Heaven Helps The Man Who Fights His Fear

Quick, what song is the title of this post from? Anyone? Famous dance movie from 1984.... The song is from Kenny Loggins, it's called "I'm Free (Heaven Helps the Man). So is Tim now trying to do some kind of trivia game or something? No. I'll tell you why I brought this song up.

God definitely works in mysterious ways. God uses scripture and conversations with other people to convict our hearts, but since I have been in Berlin, God has used music for me as well. Since I'm a child of the 80's (teen actually and since 80's music is a large portion of what's on my iTunes), God has spoken to me, challenged my heart and encouraged me immensely through music.

Once again this afternoon, I was just messing around on the computer when this song came on. It's a very upbeat, sort of passionate song with lots of energy and a very powerful rhythm. It played and I hadn't heard it for a while and so I decided to play it again, this time I listened to the lyrics more closely. Not many in the song, but here are the words:  (Sorry this site is not allowing me to copy and paste the words, see below for some excerpts).

I looked at the words to this song and once again, it just felt like God was trying to speak through this song to me. "Nothing I want is out of my reach." and "Heaven helps the man who fights his fear" and "you're the reason that I'm hanging on" and "shaking the past, making my breaks", etc. Song really spoke to me about facing my fears, which I have done a lot of in the past few years. Breaking out of a difficult situation into a different kind of challenge. Struggling, but not deterred.

I have to be honest, this week was so hard for me. Despite having two very encouraging interviews this week, Friday I just felt so humbled and was starting to feel desperate and discouraged. I have 9 days before I have to return to the US unless I have a job or a very good reason to stay here. NINE days..... 

The reality of this has been slowly creeping in the past couple weeks and I was showing my angst in a number of different ways by acting out, feeling stressed, consuming more sweets to feel comforted, but never really feeling fulfilled. Despite being very open with God, there was an underlying fear that God would not come through. If that was the case and I did have to return to the U.S., I would be so discouraged. Seriously I do not know how I could even approach God if he did not give me a job here. Remember, this whole idea of coming to Germany was not my idea, I was just following what I still believe to be clear signs from God that I need to come to Berlin. I have done everything in faith and a trusting heart and have completely put myself in God's hands in a V-E-R-Y real and at times extremely uncomfortable way. 

When I got together with Christian Z on Friday, he chided me about not following his advice that he gave me a few weeks ago. We had talked about being able to ask for help financially from the church here and I didn't do it, mainly because I had requested help from another source and I didn't want it to be perceived as trying to get money from multiple sources. I explained this to him in the past, but he still felt like I should have at least asked for help because they could potentially help me in other ways than financially (ie: where to apply for jobs, how, etc.) I admitted that was not what I was thinking. Still felt stressed about everything and to add that onto the top of all the other emotions and insecurities I had been dealing with really put even more pressure on me. We sat down at a park to pray after a couple minutes of silence and I just broke down in tears because I felt like I was at the end. I had no money and no job here and with the exception of family, had nothing to return to the states to. I felt like it was a failure and that God was waiting too long to answer. I was totally discouraged, disillusioned and had been struggling with other sin as well which certainly was aggravating an already out-of-my-control situation. Waiting on God to answer prayers I am finding is incredibly difficult. Maybe some of you can relate. 

 
Also, two other people mentioned that my last post seemed like I was angry. After the second person mentioned it, I was just decimated. It was later at night and I was tired from the week. I just felt completely beaten down, like God was trying to tear down the old Tim to the foundation so a new Tim could be built on it. I had some things on my heart that I just couldn't go to bed without getting them on "paper". Due to the subject matter, I decided to write my thoughts in a Word document and not add them to this blog for a number of reasons, but it would suffice to say they were just too personal to share in such a forum. Either way, it was worth it because it was very therapeutic to my heart. I also joined a group of people by Skype to deal with some aspects of some of the things I am dealing with, so we had a long talk yesterday and it was super encouraging and helpful to my heart. Man, I had no idea that moving to Germany was going to expose my heart so completely and so painfully. In reality, though, it's really good that this is happening, I'm really taking my relationship with God to a new level. I realize how much HE is God, and how much I'm NOT. Ha!

At any rate, part of what I was struggling with on Friday night was that I received an email about 6pm that I did NOT get the job for the 2nd interview I had earlier in the week. I was struggling, but I feel like I didn't automatically go and try to dull the pain with sweets or anything else. That's growth for me. 

 So after a number of encouraging events on Saturday and being able to go to service today and see my friends, things are going so much better. I had an interview on Friday with a hotel and they told me to call back on Saturday, so I did. They asked me to sleep on it and call them back Saturday, so I did and I told them that I would be interested in the position. He said he would like to have me come in on Tuesday for a "Probearbeiten" (trial work is the best way to translate it), but never called back. If I don't hear from him in the morning, I will call back. I hope it was just him being too busy and not something worse. I'm trying not to be too worried about it though. Please pray for me to be able to do this on Tuesday and to get the job.

So, as for the surprise, I worked a bit more on it today. I'm very excited to hopefully be able to present it sometime this week. Still not going to tell you what it is though.... I did want to report that I have gone down another belt size. It's still pretty snug, but have been able to do it! So excited, but because I don't have a scale at home, I'm not sure where I'm at exactly yet. I'll try to update that soon for you too....

Anyway, thanks for letting me tell you what's going on with Tim in Germany. Stay tuned, I really hope and pray that God allows me to have great news on the job front this week. I don't have much time left... Talk to you all again soon!

Observations

Good evening world!  Well tonight I decided to share some things with you that are, well... some of my observations of Berlin and the German people. If you're German, you'll either completely understand some of these things, or you'll get very angry at me.  Either way, they're just observations and if you're anything like me, you can learn to laugh about yourself. Your other option is that it will drive you crazy.  You have the choice... I know you will love it actually....

I'm certainly not the fashion police (ha!!!), but there is one thing that still shocks me when I see it here.   Some Germans apparently don't own white socks, just black.  Lately since the weather has been getting warmer, I have noticed a trend of seeing men wearing shorts and black sock with their sneakers.  Some of the socks go up mid-calf!!  It looks so weird, I cringe every time I see it. Some Germans do wear white socks though too.  Okay, I'll step off my fashion soapbox now.  

I also find it interesting in a country where nearly everyone owns at least one bicycle, everyone seems to walk everywhere they go (before and after they take public transportation) and, especially 20 years ago but even still now to a large extent, in general eats pretty healthy; people smoke like chimneys here! I don't think I'll ever get used to sitting out in the "fresh" air while I'm waiting for the bus and someone decides to light up a cigarette upwind of me and I'm right in the direct line of  copious amounts of smoke coming from them. It's really disgusting  I remember there being a lot of smokers here, but I forgot how bad it was, I guess!!!

My roommate is a great example.  The first couple weeks I was here, I offered him some food that I had cooked and he declined because he had been training for a 200km (120 mile) bicycle tour and he had a special diet that he was needing to stick to.  But he smokes a LOT.  Something just ain't computin' in with me.  You're watching what you eat but you wake up every morning (and for the next few hours) hocking up a lung because you smoke.  He did the bike ride, so somehow he's still in pretty good shape. Still doesn't quite make sense to me somehow.

Apparently there is some pretty fierce competition going on by tissue companies in Germany.  Apparently 2-ply or 3-ply tissues are not enough... They have 4-PLY tissues.  It's like blowing your nose with sandpaper.  I think I'm going to try to find some 2-ply tissues while I still have a nose. LOL.

Also, I am very impressed by German bureaucracy.  If bureaucracy was an Olympic sport, the Germans would be the Gold medalists every time and nobody else would be even close.  I've had to visit 4 or 5 city or federal agencies since I've been here.  I've been told a dozen stories about what I needed to do, and I think maybe 3 or 4 were correct.  Government workers just don't seem to have much interest in trying to get the correct information for you.  If they don't know they answer, it's almost like they make something up. It's happened to me enough times that I think there might be some truth to it.

I was at the unemployment office and honestly I REALLY wasn't expecting to get any unemployment money from them, but they wanted to sit down with me and help me get moving on my job search, etc.  They made an appointment for me and I went in.  I told the lady my situation, that I just moved from the US and just needed some ideas on where to start, etc. I explained to her that I wasn't looking for compensation, just help with the job search.  She said, "Oh, I guess I should have looked at your file better beforehand, because I can't help you."  Wow.  Just wow....  Thanks, I just spent 45 minutes getting there, hurrying because one of my buses didn't show up and you tell me you didn't take a look to see what I was there for????  Oy!!!  Oh well, she made an appointment with another lady that was able to give me some help.

On May 8, I had an appointment to get my very old paper drivers license changed into the new fancy plastic ones.  So it cost me about $30 and I was told to come back about mid-June to pick it up.  (Just over 5 weeks handling time)  I thought, "wow, seems like a long time, but okay."  I was hoping to have it a bit earlier so I went in on the 11th.  No license.  A few days later, still no license.  A few more days: no.  A week later, still no license.  By this time the guy is starting to get frustrated with me.  He demands to see another form of ID from me.  I show him my old German license.  He goes to check and it's still not there!  He gets angry and says "It takes two months!"  I told him that they said it would be done by mid June.  I told him that I will probably come in once a week.  He didn't seem to happy about that, but if I have to return to the US in two weeks, there's a possibility that it still won't be there!!!  For such an efficient society, and such a large government (city, state, federal and otherwise), you would think this would be quick.

One side effect I have realized of not having the newer license is that I spent some time a week or two ago trying to locate somewhere that I could rent a movie because I hadn't just chilled out and watched a movie for a while (or TV either) and so the guy would not accept my old German drivers license so despite walking around for over an hour, I went home empty-handed.  I had to leave my area to find a place to rent a movie, so it was a two-hour process almost...  So now I can't wait to get my new license for that reason!

Also I have come to realize that if you want to have any kind of good paying job, you need the following:

1. German Abitur (certification that you completed high school, the American equivalent will not suffice)
2. College Diploma (again, US equivalent may or may not suffice) 2-year degrees not accepted
3. Ausbildung - training, usually unpaid, in the area of your expertise
4. Experience in your field.

There is a possibility that I will have to complete the German Abitur even though I have high school AND college diplomas.  It's a two-month program. I'm 43 years old and worked in my field for nearly 12 years and you're saying I need to take a high-school level exam???  Nobody looks and says, "this doesn't make sense" they just see that everyone has to have it. I really wish I would have known this when I was here 20 years ago.  I think I would have gotten some of that out of the way then. 

On the job search front, I have had two job interviews so far.  The first one last week was a phone interview for a hotel based in Spain, so the possibility would exist for me to use my German, English and Spanish speaking skills.  Unfortunately I kind of bombed the interview.  I found out today that I did not get the job but I was neither surprised nor disappointed because I *really* didn't do well in the interview.  I figure that was my trial interview, got the mistakes out of the way with that one....  

The second interview was yesterday and I think it went quite a bit better.  I had a very nice conversation with one of the owners of a company that has a very interesting business idea.  I won't say what it is right now, but it's hotel related.  I'm more hopeful on this one.  God knows what I need, if it's this one, great.  If not, I have one more interview on Friday and I'm still putting out more apps.  Prayers are still much appreciated even when I do get a job because the bureaucrats that process requests for work permits can reject the requests for any reason, or potentially even no reason at all.  

Today is the 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy's speech in Berlin where he uttered the now famous words "Ich bin ein Berliner."  I decided this afternoon that I did not want to pass up an opportunity to go to Rathaus Schöneberg where he delivered that speech to see if they were having any kind of remembrance of the event.  There was nobody there, but I got some good pics of the place and got to say I was there on the anniversary.  I think they already commemorated it a week or two ago on the weekend when people could be there, not in the middle of the week.  

Last week was not a good one for me.  Let's just say that I had taken my eyes off what was important (my last post went through most of the issues I was having) but have just been selfish and desiring things that are not in line with why I'm here.  I also realized that along the way that my actions were really hurting someone. I felt terrible.  Tonight I was able to work it out with them.  They're still a little bit hurt, but at least we're actually good now. I just hate feeling like a jerk.  Lesson learned (hopefully).  

This has been a great journey but sometimes I don't realize how stressful it is to change everything in my life at one time.  I get out of my comfort zone when I struggle to release control and just trust God.  It's really hard to do.  I know God is merciful, but still feel terrible for not trusting him completely.  Please help me God to ask for more help!!

Well, that's it for tonight.  Hope you enjoyed a few observations I have made on these crazy Germans (you know I love ya!).  I have a little surprise for all of you, especially for those of you back in the states. Some of you may not appreciate it, both others will absolutely love it.  I'm not going to tell you what it is yet, because I like to keep you in suspense.  On that note, Good night!!!

Rathaus Schöneberg, taken 26 June 2013, 50th Anniversary of JFK's "Ich bin ein Berliner" speech, the location of  it's delivery

It's Too Darn Hot!

Hello again from the great HOT north!  I love me some nice summer weather, but it's just too hot here right now.  I'm writing you from Connections Library, with fan to my left and a small view out the window, where it's now about 96 degrees F.  I thought it didn't get that hot here... Well, actually, that's not completely true, because when I moved to Berlin on Aug. 2, 1992, it was 102 degrees in Berlin... At that time, it was the hottest temperature I had ever experienced.  I thought it was a fluke, and it probably was, but I was a lot thinner back then.  Even with that it was unbearably hot.

I get on the S-Bahn (surface trains) and they are not air-conditioned.  They do have small windows at the top that you can tilt open.  With this kind of heat, they help, but not much, especially when you have a train full of people.  The subway trains are much better because it's generally much cooler underground, so I've been trying to use those more than the surface trains.  Buses are okay, they are technically air-conditioned, but it's not like the buses back in the states, it's still pretty uncomfortable.  Anyway, I'm really looking forward to some cooler weather the next couple days so I can start feeling human again.

So yesterday, President Obama was in town and gave a speech at the Brandenburg Gate.  I was going to see if I could go watch him give his address, but apparently it's in a very restricted area and was by invitation only.  Probably just as well, I certainly didn't want to go sit out in the hot sun for a couple of hours in 90+ degree heat anyway...

June 26 marks the 50th anniversary of JFK's speech in Berlin (the speech was NOT given at the Brandenburg Gate, however) where he uttered that very famous line "Ich bin ein Berliner", essentially calling himself a jelly-filled donut. LOL, it was an endearing comment that the populous still enjoy to this day.  On June 12, 1987, almost 26 years ago to the day, Ronald Reagan made his famous speech at the Brandenburg Gate, saying "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!" Which was also incredibly powerful and controversial at the time.  Now, it's become an iconic statement that will forever be one of the first dominoes to fall to end not only the division of this incredible city, but of the Cold War itself.  Very weighty stuff!

On that very subject, in the Connections library where I now sit, I happened to see a book called "Tear Down This Wall" written by Romesh Ratnesar.  I've seen it occasionally and thought, I should read it.  I decided yesterday it was time to stop thinking about it and actually do it.  Now, I'm not much of a reader.  I do read my Bible and spiritual books, but it's a pretty rare occasion that I pick up a book for fun.  More aptly, I should say I pick up a book if I'm having trouble sleeping.  In any case, I started reading it but didn't get too far as one of the patrons of the library wanted to be chatty. No biggie, but I will be doing some reading after posting this entry.

I'm very interested in this particular time in history as I visited Berlin about 10 months prior to Ronald Reagan delivering this speech.  I got to see how totally different East Berlin was from the West.  It was heartbreaking to see so many people, in effect, imprisoned socially and politically in their own city.  When the wall fell 2 years and a few months after this speech, I remember sitting in my dorm room in Munich crying as I watched live pictures of men and women taking pickaxes to the wall and watching thousands of East Berliners pass through the gaps.  One of the greatest days in modern history in my opinion!

So tonight, I'm going to watch the speech on youtube and pick up the book to learn more about the time and people that made this very controversial speech possible. I'll let you know if it's worth a read.  I can't imagine that I wouldn't like it, but I'll update you either way.  This time in history for some reason is very close to my heart. I'm not 100% sure why, but I tear up every time I hear about it.  Better get some Kleen-Ex handy before I start to watch!

For the last few days, I've really been feeling the weight of my current situation.  I have less than 3 weeks before I will have to return to the US if I don't have work.  Money is pretty much gone and I'm really in God's hands. I've been struggling a lot with that, I have to be honest.  I've never felt so vulnerable in my entire life.  Part of my dream of coming here, was to trust God to the point where I would REALLY have to rely on him.  He's definitely showing me the extent of that decision.  It's so hard.

I'm such a control freak that not having much other than just the clothes on my back and a temporary roof over my head is slightly unnerving.  I'm trying to fight through all the emotions to try to keep control and to let go of it, but man, it is hard.  I'm doing well, and I plan to have many more people in my life the next few weeks so that when I go home to my usually empty apartment, I won't feel quite so lonely and won't struggle with wanting to give in to eating bad things or other ways of just being selfish and self-focused.

Well, as usual, I had a lot more on my heart than I thought.  Thanks for looking in on me, hopefully by the end of tonight, or maybe even as I write this, I expect to surpass the landmark 2000 hits on my blog!  Thank you all for your support and your prayers.  I know they are working to move God's heart in my situation. I love and miss you all, talk to you again soon!

A Little Excursion

The last few days have been interesting to say the least.  There are always great things going on even when it seems like the little things have taken over my thoughts and my heart.  My post last night was good.  I really do try to keep this blog very light and easy to read, and enjoyable as I share with you the adventures (and misadventures) of this incredibly remarkable time in my life. To me, this blog is part pressure valve, part confessional, part inclusion of friends, part stream of consciousness.  I really try to fight the urge to be negative because I believe that there is more to be thankful for in everyone's life, than there is to complain about.  If that is not the case for you, I would encourage you to write a list of things you are thankful for, things that you own that you enjoy and every friend and relative that you know.  You'll find that you do have so much to be grateful for...

But I digress...   Yesterday was emotional for me. I woke up in the morning and rode my bike to the river to pray.  Man, I just love riding my bike.  Seriously, there's something familiar yet primal about it, especially when you share the street with cars and buses whizzing by you just a foot or two away from you.  I love it.... Anyway, so I went down and had some prayer time at the river.  My heart was just so full of joy and gratitude.  I prayed about my job interview and felt resolved that no matter how it went, it went the way it should have.  Whether I get the job or not, I prayed to do my best.

I also went to reload my wireless device so that I could get internet back, so when I got home, I started that process.  For some reason I was feeling stressed out about it and called the company to do it for me.  In the meantime, the phone number on the receipt from the store did not work so then it put me through to the information (in US, 4-1-1).  That cost me nearly $3 just to find out it was the wrong number.  When I did finally get through to someone, they said they couldn't renew over the phone, that it had to be done online. That was also a fee to call that number.  

I finally got the internet working but was pretty frustrated by that point because it took me a while to get it figured out.  Plus it was about 1 hour before my phone interview was to start.  

The phone interview went overall pretty well, but I'm a terrible judge of these things because I'm a perfectionist. Especially for a job where one is on the phone all day, phone etiquette and accuracy is very important.  I don't think I did great, but we did have a nice conversation.  I'm trying not to obsess over every mistake...

Later in the afternoon, I heard a voice talking and it was coming from my pocket!  I realized I had pocket dialed a number (it looked like a local number, but not one I recognized)  Apparently the call had been going for nearly 15 minutes and it was some kind of recording.  I still have no idea what it was, but I can only assume that there was a fee to call that number because my balance of 31 Euros on my account was now down to 6 cents and I couldn't even make a call to the phone company to tell them there was a problem. 31 Euros should have lasted me 2 weeks at least, it only lasted 3 days.... Ugh!  

I went online and chatted with a representative who, in a word, was not able to help me because of something in the paperwork I didn't sign when I got my phone on April 9....  I tried to explain my situation, but she didn't seem to care.  I had no choice but to travel across town to reload my phone with money I just didn't really have.

I'm not sure why, but after all of these very not-encouraging phone calls, losing over $30 in usage on my phone, bad customer service and being strapped financially, something in me just deflated.  I've been working so hard, I've been trying to pinch pennies, and now I'm literally at the point where I have to use money that was earmarked for my mortgage payment just to use my phone.  I've fought to get to Germany, I've fought for relationships, I've fought to stay close to God and it was kind of the straw the broke the camel's back, so to speak.  I had just had enough. So many things seemed to be going wrong.  I'm falling behind on my bills because I had hoped to have a job by now.  

One of the things I have tried to remind myself when these types of things come up, is that none of our problems is outside of God's ability to see or take care of. He is in control of EVERYTHING... my health, my finances, my basic needs.... everything!  Now, what I have realized is that I had taken my eyes off the faith that I have had and just felt overwhelmed.  I told God, "This is too much!".   But then as I was on my way home last night, I was waiting for the bus to come at Ostkreuz when I remembered 2 Cor. 12:9 -- "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  What this means is that whatever you and I go through in our lives, God does miracles through the times we have no power or control over the outcome of our situation. God will glorify himself when we can't take the credit for it.  Even Paul struggled with this one, so I think it's okay if I try to understand what this means for my life too.  I just need to humble out and trust that God has it firmly under control.  I've forgotten that he knows better than I do.

So, enough with the heavy stuff, let me tell you about my weekend.  So last week, my friend Oliver, a brother in the church here in Berlin asked if I would be interested in going to the ocean with him.  I was so excited at the prospect!  As much as I love Berlin, I also wanted to see other places in Germany as well.  This was such a great opportunity!  So I met him and we headed out to the towns of Ahrenshoop and Wustrow.  Both are on the Baltic coast in NE Germany.  I had never seen the Baltic Sea before and I was certainly impressed.  The water near the beach was very clear and light blue/green.  The sand was nearly white, but there were very small black or purple flecks in the sand (probably from mussels).  It was very fine and the beaches were very clean.  We did a little bit of walking along and above the beach.  

One of the things I was not prepared for there was that people sometimes will swim naked.  Of course there was a couple men just next to where I was sitting that decided to do just that.  It was pretty awkward.  So from the beach we headed up the hill a ways to a small restaurant.  Oliver said he usually goes there when he comes up to this area.  We had Sanddorn Torte, which is a tort made with a local yellow-orange berry.  It was super yummy and of course, we also had coffee.  Right above the beach, it was sunny and warm and beautiful.  It was a bit windy too, the chocolate pieces kept blowing off the top of the tort!!  Then an older couple came and sat with us and we had a great chat.  Wish I would have gotten a pic with them.  Oh well, they were pretty cool, we just chatted and laughed with them.

A little while later we decided to head back to the car and go eat dinner at at restaurant called Moby Dick in nearby Wustrow.  It was a cool little place right by the boardwalk.  We sat inside because it had just started to rain.  10 minutes later, the sun came out and Oliver thought it might be nice to sit out on the patio.  So we did, and we got our food, but I was looking out over the water and it was starting to look pretty ominous. Clouds were dark purple and very low, but just behind them, you could see more gray clouds that were clearly producing rain.  Then they hit.  30 mile per hour winds and heavy rains.  We grabbed our food and drinks and headed back inside where it was warm and dry!  It remained pretty cold and wet and windy outside and when we finished dinner, we decided to head back toward Berlin.

Shortly before we got to the Autobahn, I had noticed that the rain was gone and that it had gotten sunny and dry for a bit and I couldn't see any more clouds in the distance.  I asked Oliver if he had ever been to the city of Rostock, which was less than 10 minutes away.  He said he had, but would be willing to head there since it was still relatively early (about 7:30).  So we stopped and started walking around what looked like a really old part of town.  We found an old church from the 1200s that had been turned into apartments!  It looked very weird, but the church itself was super cool.  Across the street, there was an old building from 1590!  423 years old!!! The churches there were amazing.  The Petrikirche had this HUGE steeple, I thought it had to be at least 100 yards tall!  I looked it up after I got home and it was 117 meters (383 feet tall), almost the height of a 40-story building!!!  This church was built 800 years ago!!! That just blew my mind. Still does.

So we walked further into town and saw another church, the Marienkirche.  This church was WAY bigger than the Petrikirche! This place was so huge. It was closed by the time we got there, would love to go back and walk through these churches.  All three of the churches are right about 800 years old.  Mind. Blown.... If you're interested, here's a link in English for this church: http://www.marienkirche-rostock.de/html/english.html

So we walked down to the waterfront through where they used to store the grain that came in on ships.  One grain storage building we saw was from 1795.  There was just some great architecture in that city!!!  So we went back up into the city and walked down the main shopping street.  It really reminded me of the buildings you'd see in Amsterdam.  The architecture was very similar.  I posted some pics on facebook, and I'll put a few on here, too.

I forgot to tell you about the drive up...  Oliver is like any good German man, he likes to drive fast on the Autobahn.  Nothing new there.  I have to be honest, I wasn't quite prepared for HOW fast though.  One time I looked over at the digital speed readout and we were driving 132 miles per hour.  This is more than twice the speed limit in most cities in the US.  TWICE!!!!  There were a few very scary moments, I have to be honest.  On the way back, I asked him if he could keep it down to about 110.  He was very accommodating. The way back took a bit longer, but at least I wasn't totally white-knuckling it at times.  It was really great to see the German countryside, something I haven't enjoyed in a long time. Oliver has a nice newer Citroen C5 station wagon (black with dark tinted windows), pretty sweet.

Sunday was the official send-off for Terry and Sue Folker who lead the church here. They are heading back to the US to Tennessee to work in one of our churches there.  It was very encouraging to talk to Terry briefly about what he felt the greatest needs of the church in Berlin were. He mentioned an area that I might be able to help out in.  I hope I can stick around to help in that area.  It was a beautiful day, had a great time with people and had my first Jaegerschnitzel (with mushroom sauce) since being back. Mmmmmm.... so yummy. Got some really great photos and really great fellowship. One other thing that I have to share... only in Germany...  We went to a Biergarten that was near the church. First of all, as an American, I think it's funny to go to a Biergarten right after church, but one of the interesting things about this particular place is that it had a play area for kids.  You know, swings, slides, climbing toys, etc.....  For a moment there, my brain kind of short-circuited.  That would never fly in the US.  Ha!!!!  Did I mention lately that I love Germany?  LOL!

Anyway, thanks to everyone for your continued prayers for me. I'm actually doing fine, but just had one of those days yesterday where I was feeling particularly raw and vulnerable.  It's so hard to trust God with literally every aspect of my life.  I don't have my comfort to hold on to, all I have is the belief that my God will deliver me from this uncertain feeling I have right now.  God, please bless my efforts and forgive my weakness and help me to overcome my doubt... 

Ahrenshoop Bay

Petrikirche 383 ft spire!

Ahrenshoop Beach

Rostock building from 1590

Breakwater with seagulls in Ahrenshoop

Typical house in Ahrenshoop

Oliver and I and Sanddorntorte

Thatched rooftops in Ahrenshoop

Massive Marienkirche - Rostock

Grainery from 1795

Good night all!

I Need Your Help

The last couple days have been very encouraging and today started off great, but at this particular moment I am super frustrated and feeling defeated. The things I'm dealing with are not the end of the world, but I've been battling so much that I just feel drained, ineffective and done.  I'm not giving up yet, but I am sure tempted right now.

When I left Spokane, in faith, I sold most everything I had (excluding my home and a few items of minimal value) to be able to come to Germany, following what I still believe to be a very clear indication from God that this is where he wants me to be.  The money from the sale of my possessions was to be able to keep me going for a couple months while I looked for a job.  Unfortunately, that money is gone now and I just don't know what to do.  I have only about 3 weeks to find a job before I have to go back to the states or I have to ask for an extension to stay longer.  Either way, I am out of money. I'm stuck.

Everything here in Berlin has been so amazing.  The brothers and sisters in the church have been so willing to help me out, have befriended me, have encouraged me and have been extremely generous.  I hate being the needy one, I like to be the generous one, but I'm at a spot where there is nothing more I can do.

I had my first telephone interview today and honestly I don't think it went as well as I wanted it to, but I also don't think it went horribly either.  I was trying to think of a word in German and it just never came to me.  I don't think I was very effective at answering some of the questions they asked me.  Once again, I don't think I butchered it, but it wasn't a great interview for me either (in my opinion).  Ugh.

I won't bore you with all the details, but this whole experience has been a lot more expensive than I imagined. Not to mention an underhanded landlord that essentially stole $400 from me, and that some of the expenses I had before I left Spokane were more than I expected (a LOT more actually).  So here's the thing that I hoped I would never have to do, ask for monetary help.... Ugh. I hate this...  Anyway, I don't even know how to ask, but if anyone is willing to donate anything, and I mean even $5 will help right now, I would be eternally grateful.  If you want to send anything, you can just send it to me via Paypal to: timmorse@outlook.com.  I'm so sorry to even have to ask, but I just don't know how to proceed at this point any more.  I'll post more later, but I think for now I just need to go pray...

_________________________________________

Well I did get out of the house for a bit and did pray as well, kinda.  I talk a lot on here about the great things that are happening for me and there are a LOT of really great things.  I AM very grateful to be here. I do love this city and its people, I am growing and changing.  I know God is going to bless me, he promises us that he will take care of us...

Right now, my problem is that I'm tired.  I'm just tired of being broke.  I'm tired of having to work so hard and have so little come out of it in the way of money I can spend.  The last few years have been at times extremely difficult physically and financially and I'm tired of having suffered so much and worked so hard.  I just want my life to move forward. I'm tired of waiting and waiting and waiting. I'm tired of every dime I have going out the door to some other urgent thing that needs to be done.  I believe I've done all this with the right heart.  I've gotten lots of advice and prayed and things still seem all messed up.  I'm confused and frustrated and I just want a job.  That's all, just something I can do where I can serve people and take home a paycheck.  In the process maybe help some people come to know God.  I'm committed to that cause, I've sold nearly everything to that end.  I know I have to wait for God's timing, but I'm tired.

I love God and I have no intention of stopping what I'm doing, slowing down or being driven off course.  God has given me great hope and Satan is not happy about the positive things in my life.  I may be totally wrong by writing and thinking and feeling these things, but that is where I'm at right now.  I know there are so many people praying for me, sincerely, thank you all for your prayers.  I know they are extremely meaningful to God and to my life.  I'll be fine and tomorrow is a new day.  I try to keep a positive spirit, but sometimes I just need to get things off my chest.  I'm not a fake person, quite the opposite.  Most of the time you can see in my face EXACTLY how I'm feeling -- good or bad.  I haven't been fake in this blog, but these are some of the other things that are going on in my heart.

This is me, how I truly am.  I hope that you understand my heart for God.  I don't believe this lessens my love for him at all, but I just reach a point where I don't think I could walk another step, add one thing to the list, deal with one more disappointment.  Thanks for letting me share some of the deeper things with you tonight.  Good night,  tomorrow is a new day....  Amen!!!!...

(Tomorrow or the next day, I'll take some time to share my amazing weekend with you.)

I Have Wheels!

I'm doing things a little different today because, well I can.  I usually write my blog later in the evening, usually just before I turn in.  I have had a little extra time today because I haven't been feeling well.  That's actually a really good thing.  I'll explain. But not yet. :)

So the beginning of the week I was distracted and feeling selfish again.  This time I just decided that I need to make a decision how to proceed from here.  Do I want to pursue the things of this world, or do I want to do what I came here for?!  I chose God's vision because I know in my past I have a tendency to mess things up if I am not staying close to God.  Sometimes the world can feel very powerful, but I know that God is more powerful and he has the ability to bless my life and the world only causes ruin and destruction in peoples' lives.

So I have actually decided another thing too (as if I don't have enough on my plate already).  I am kidding of course, because doing the right thing for your life and your body should always be a high priority. On Tuesday night (here) I called my amazing and spiritual friend Greg back in Spokane to get some advice on something and I don't recall how exactly we got on the subject, but he mentioned that he lost 30 pounds just by not eating sugar any more.  I am always open for new ideas on how to lose weight, and I thought that sounded like a good idea, so I have cut it out of my diet.  

Yesterday, I went in to Connections library to work on my job search and ordered a cappuccino, no sugar. Micah looked at me like I was from another planet and asked me "Are you sure it'll taste okay without sugar??"  I replied "No, but I need to cut sugar out."  She laughed.  So I was drinking my not-very-sweet coffee and feeling good about my decision.  A while later I needed a break and went to get a Coke, paid for it and took a few drinks before I realized I was drinking a sugary drink!  Dang, I hate it when I do that!! I was later consoled by Matthias that sometimes it just takes time to change those habitual things...  I didn't try to mess myself up, I just wasn't thinking.  

I have been excited this week because I heard Scott Green was going to be in town.  We had such a great talk in Spokane back in March that I was so excited to see him IN Berlin!  Anyway, he was at the men's devotional last night and he preached.  Landon Rawson was also there, so we had a mini Washington reunion there!  It was very encouraging.  Scott preached on Luke 5, about Jesus asking Peter to let down the nets and Peter, as a fisherman could have one of three responses in his heart: 1.  Jesus, get away from me, I'm a sinner.  No really, go away...; or 2. I've already tried that, Jesus, we've been here all night....; or 3. If you say so, I'll do it  (despite my previous failure in this area because they had not caught any fish all night).  It was encouraging us to be about the mission of saving the lost.  

He also talked about a recent bowling experience in England, where the automatic scorekeeper wasn't working quite right.  Every time they threw, no matter how many pins fell, they got an "8".  One of the teens apparently mentioned they had the "Grace Alley" because they were mostly getting less than that each throw.  He mentioned that, as disciples, when we sin, God not only doesn't keep track of our sins, he probably doesn't even have the any way of keeping track of them. They just don't exist because of grace.  I was super encouraged by this, that's what amazing grace is. We automatically get an 8, even when we get a gutter ball, as long as we are being faithful.  Amen!

After the devo, my amazing amazing amazing friend Samea had offered to let me borrow his bike.  So he brought it to service and let me take it.  After tinkering with the front light a bit, we got it to work so that it would be legal to ride.  It was starting to get dark as it was about 9:30pm.  So the tires needed some air, but thought I might try to hit a gas station on the way home to pump them up a bit more.  So off I went, the first time I had ridden a bike in about 2 years (last time was Hiawatha Trail, 12 miles down hill), so I was interested to see how I would do.

When I lived in Germany in the late 80's and early 90's, I practically lived on my bicycle.  I went nearly everywhere on my bike.  I forgot how much I love to ride.  It was nice that a good portion of the ride home was either flat or downhill.  I found a gas station to pump up my tires, but apparently you need some kind of special gadget because I couldn't get it to work.  Unfortunately in the process, I let a bit more air out of the front tire.  Since I had come nearly directly from Connections to the devo, so I still had my very heavy laptop in my backpack, plus my new big heavy Bible donated by the also amazing Larry.  I was also carrying a song book and some other smaller items in there too.  Altogether, it was probably about 12-14 lbs.  And riding a bike with nearly flat tires.

So I got a good distance into the ride and was enjoying it.  I drove right by Templehof Airport where the Allies flew supplies into the city in the Berlin Airlift in 1948 to help Berliners survive because roads were blocked coming into the city.  Anyway, the ride was good, but I started to get a little tired and thought I might take the bus the rest of the way.  I was following the bus route home because that was the only way I knew how to get home from there other than the trains.  I decided to go on and made it home safely in about 40 minutes.  The bus passed me and I ended up passing it at one of its stops and ended up beating it to my stop!  I was pretty proud of that.  I REALLY enjoyed the ride.  I got my heartrate up but just felt so fired up!  I love to ride and it's fun to do it in the city (at 10pm at night, not in the daytime traffic)  Anyway, I was just stoked when I got home, I felt on top of the world!

So, it was a really good day yesterday and I went to bed feeling great.  

Unfortunately, I haven't really worked out at all the past two months since I left Seattle and I'm definitely still dealing with some circulation issues.  As such, I woke up this morning not feeling well, just generally feeling tired and a little bit icky.  It occurred to me that my bike ride cleaned out all the gunk in my blood system and my body is trying to filter out all that yucky stuff today.  So unfortunately I haven't made any progress on job search today, but I plan to hit the ground running tomorrow.  I want to get at least 30 applications out tomorrow.  I may have some time on Saturday to do more as well, we'll see what my day ends up looking like.

This has been a week of repentance for me.  (Repentance comes from the Greek word "metanoya", which means a change of mind.)  I realized that I have been seeing mole hills as mountains in my life and have not wanted to deal with that.  As a result, I have no job yet and feel a bit "behind the 8 ball".   That's okay, I believe that God blesses repentance.  Either way, I would really appreciate your continued prayers the next couple weeks especially because if I can't find work, I will have to return to the US by July 8 or apply for an extension to stay longer. That's not a given even if I do request it. Thanks!

Well, I'm starting to fade again, so I will leave it at that for tonight.  Thanks for checking in on me and for your thoughts, good vibes and prayers! Til the next time!

Small Zweibrücken Reunion in Berlin

I was certainly encouraged that someone I went to high school with contacted me today (he also contacted me about two weeks ago about it as well). He lives in London currently and he let me know he was in Berlin for business the next couple days.  So we got together on the Kurfürstendamm near his hotel and grabbed a bratwurst then sat down at one of my favorite hangouts, the Alt Berliner Biersalon for a beer. Did I mention that today marks 25 years since the last day of classes at our high school?  Coincidence? I think not.  :)

Anyway, so honestly James and I didn't know each other that well, but we still had a great time talking about what has happened to the both of us in the last 27 years.  We both went to college in Munich (for a short time we were there at the same time), and we both lived in Seattle as well at the same time for a few years in the meantime.  It was cool to catch up.  He had two other brothers that were there in high school the same time I was there and we all knew each other, but not really well.  

So we sat down for a beer, we were on the sidewalk seating very close to where people were walking by, and it started to rain a bit.  Then it began to rain hard, so they opened a VERY large awning that stretched probably 30 feet, but not quite enough to cover the front row.  Since James and I lived in Seattle, we stuck out the little bit of rain, even with an umbrella for a few minutes, but went under the awning after the deluge began.  A couple offered to share their table with us wet folk and we couldn't say no.  It was fun anyway.  Thanks for hanging out with me and letting me know you were in town, James!  Honestly, I had totally forgotten about it....

Anyway, as I was going to meet him, coming up out of the subway station I realized there was some kind of street party going on.  When I got to the street level, I realized it was a car show!!!!  I was so excited because I LOOOOVE old cars and rarely get to see the old European ones, so I was in heaven! They had closed of the Ku-damm (one of Berlin's main boulevards) and I got there early, so I was able to walk around a little bit.  After I got James as we were talking, I was also snapping photos of the cars... :) I was listening to him though.... I really was.  I'll try to post some pics tomorrow if I have some time after the job search.

Also today, Micah has been trying to save the last chocolate chip cookie she made a couple days ago for me, and wasn't sure if she could do it, but she brought it to church today and it was amazing.  Thanks, Micah, you're the best!!!

I have to say one last thing.  The weather has been very nice the past few days, but it has been incredibly humid.  I need to get used to this again because I have been in dry Spokane for the last 10 years.  I hope I can get used to it quickly!

So that's it from Berlin for tonight. Have a great week everyone and thanks for looking in on me.  As of today, almost 1800 hits on this blog!!  You guys are amazing! Thanks...

Major Anniversary Disappointment

I really wanted to write something tonight and I couldn't really think of much.  But the past day or two I have been just a little bit melancholy about something and I was talking to Matthias about it today so I figured I would share it on the blog as well.

This coming Tuesday, June 11, 2013 marks the 25th anniversary of my high school graduation ceremony.  My high school is in Zweibrücken, which is relatively far away from Berlin.  I really wanted to be in Zwei on that day because I wanted to take some video to be shown at the "all-years" reunion taking place in Las Vegas in about a month. I am so close (relatively speaking), but just can't afford to go.  Not to mention the fact that I am still in the midst of looking for a job and only having 30 days before possibly having to return to the states if I don't have a reason to be here. I just can't justify being away from Berlin for any amount of time right now.

I realized a couple days ago that I'm super bummed out about this.  I went to my 10-year reunion in Orlando, FL in 1998 and I remember catching the shuttle bus with Keith Z ('87) and I remember the conversation so well.  His co-workers asked him why he wanted to go to his reunion.  He told them that the school was like family, he couldn't NOT go.  I totally felt the same way.

As military brats we built a special bond somehow.  Honestly, when I first moved to Zweibrücken in my sophomore year of high school, I didn't realize how unique this group of people really was.  We were close, and we were a small school. We even had some middle school kids too, which means as a high school, we really were very small!  It was such a great group of friends!  Sure, we had cliques and jocks and nerds and the whole array of people, but there was something really special during that time.  By the time I graduated in 1988, there was a notable difference in the people that were there.  I really did enjoy a very fun and unique time in my high school years there. I will never forget my Zweibrücken family.

I say all that to just convey how special I regard those years there.  The last time I went there, in 1989, was to watch my two best friends Paul W and Kerry M graduate.  Since then, I have only dreamed of going back.  I'm so grateful to be back in Germany under amazing circumstances, and honestly I hope to be able to go back to Zwei any time I want to in the coming years, but the fact remains that I'm kind of mourning not being able to celebrate this this anniversary there.

In the whole scheme of things, this really isn't a very big deal.  I was coming home tonight and I'm still in awe of the fact that I'm in Germany.  I thank God regularly for allowing me to come here.  My dream is to be able to stay and if going to Zwei would hinder that IN ANY WAY, then I don't want to do it right now.  In my life the past two years (especially) I have had to sacrifice my time, money, and energy to fulfill my dream to return here with the hope to help out the church in any way that I can.  I don't want to jeopardize that on a frivolous trip (especially one that I cannot afford) when there are so many things that I need to focus on here in Berlin.  It's hard, but I believe it's the right thing.  For me, it's good just to write it down so that I can deal with how I feel about it, then I can move forward with the other more important things.

Well, on that note, I need to move on to bed, it's 12:30a.m. and I have church in the morning. Thanks for looking in on me!  Have a great rest of your weekend.  Follow your dreams, they're worth it!

God's Gift of Confidence. In Him...

Firstly tonight, I wanted to take a minute to thank all of you who read this blog.  I'm very grateful that as of the writing of this tonight, I have had nearly 1600 hits on my blog since it started, over 1100 of which have been in the last 45 days!  I have had people tell me that I talk a lot.  It's true.  I appreciate that I believe most of you work through the length and I hope you can see my heart.  I allow myself to be pretty transparent on this blog.  It's kind of my diary, so to speak.  I certainly would never put extremely personal issues that (I hope anyway) would make anyone struggle, but please let me know if you do have any concerns.  That said, as you can see I do have a lot on my heart when I do write, mostly because it's been a few days, or more, since I last sat down and put my thoughts on the internet for all to see.  What I'm trying to say with all this, is that I apologize for the length of some of my posts.  This is definitely written for me to just get things off my chest (good and bad) and for my family and friends to share this incredible experience with me.

Today was absolutely beautiful in Berlin.  The sun was out and it was warm and just amazing!  I was stuck in the house most of the day, but finally later in the afternoon, I had to get out.  So I decided that I wanted to go to Charlottenburg Palace (Castle?).  It looks more like a palace to me, but either way, it's very beautiful. I'll share photos on here and on facebook. Anyway, the grounds of this palace are pretty amazing. It's pretty large and I walked around most of it and through a good part of the gardens.  It was great with the sun starting to go down to just sit at a fountain and pray.  Not too many tourists around at 7pm, so it was nice and quiet. I remember coming here in 1992 but somehow it seems different now.  Not in a bad way, just different.  Might just be that I look at a lot of things with different eyes than I did before.  Not sure though.

Picture taken by me tonight 6/6/13 at about 8pm

I have to be honest, I'm still not used to the fact that I can go look at castles any time I want.  This country and this city are so amazing to me. For my German friends, you have such a special land.  I hope you appreciate it.  I hope I never take things like these for granted. I want to always be impressed by such things,  God willing....

Sunday at church I spoke with one of the leaders in the church here and said I wanted to be able to help out in some way in the Singles.  This particular person and I got together on Tuesday as well for lunch and just to hang out and had just a really super encouraging talk.  He assured me that my story isn't crazy (which seemed to indicate that I'm not either... whew!!)  and I was just able to share with him some of my dreams and some of my pain as well.  It's so good to have someone to just listen and not judge, but empathize with some rather painful things in my past.  I was very grateful to be able to do that with him.

Anyway, on Sunday, after I said I wanted to feel more useful, he suggested that I lead a short introduction sermon to the Singles group on Wednesday night (last night).    I had to make sure that I heard him correctly.  First I said I could do it in English and he said he could translate.  I figured either way, it was a good challenge and I decided to go ahead and try.  I sat down to write and everything just sort of flowed in German. As I practiced, it seemed like I could do it just fine in German.  Huh??? Really?  I was pretty shocked actually.  I did ask him to be ready just in case I couldn't think of what to say.  He agreed, of course. 

I was actually giving a short 10-15 minute intro to a older sister from Boston (64 years old) who lost her husband after 30 years, 12 years ago.  She basically said that she has learned more about love since his death than in their 30 years of marriage.  Everything that she had to say was very impacting about how she loves being single.  I talked a little bit about family and how we as single disciples should be just as much a family to each other as our physical families.  That God intended the church to be a family.  I used Mat 12:46-49,  1 Cor 12:7, 24b-26 and ended with Ecc. 8:15 as the scriptures.  Afterward, I had a lot of positive feedback on my lesson and I was super encouraged.

Oddly, I really wasn't too nervous, a little, yes, but not too bad.  I was confident of my own convictions on the subject of family in the church and my German has definitely improved, but really it was totally God who worked.  On that subject, it's been very encouraging, but somehow kind of hard to explain.  God has definitely blessed my being here in ways too numerous to mention here, but I think what I'm learning is that I am really trying to love and trust God and I've really put myself out there not only to get to Germany, but to improve myself.  God hasn't just answered prayers, he's blown them out of the water.  Not just little blessings but with seemingly HUGE victories for me. Really for his glory, but I'm just so humbled by it. I've never seen God move quite like this and it's really, well, humbling to be on the receiving end of such incredible things. I'm quite speechless about it, I'm really so blown away by how God has worked here. Can't wait to see the job he has in store for me! :)

Backing up a few days, on Friday (May 31), I had the chance to talk a bit with my landlord, letting him know that I was going to try to move out on 6/15 and that I would not be paying rent this month, seeing as how I paid already from 4/15 to 6/15, plus 300 Euros security deposit (about $400).  I figured then if I moved out on 6/15 I could at least get my deposit back and have some money to move into another place that was coming open.  Basically he told me that was not our agreement, that I paid for the full month of April on the 15th when I moved in!!!  I told him that was not my understanding.  Naturally, I agreed to pay rent on the 1st and did so for May. Anyway, to keep a long story short, I wasn't getting any money back was sort of the bottom line.  I was super angry with him, hurt and felt like he was just a swindler.  I tried to explain that this was the last of the money I came here with and that he has taken it all from me.  I was angry and frankly, became despondent. I finally told him that "I made a mistake and I'll have to live with it."  He tried to continue to explain to me and I responded sharply "Didn't you just hear what I said?  *I* made a mistake..." He stopped and left the room.  I was just L-I-V-I-D.  I called him the next day to say that I would go ahead and stay the whole time and he seemed very excited that I came to that conclusion.

I found out a few minutes before we talked that I was out of minutes on my phone, so I had to leave to go put some more money on it.  Of course, I always find these things out JUST after the store closes where I can do that close to home, so I had to cross town to do it.  I figured on the way, I needed to go pray.  I went to the bridge over the river Spree by where I usually catch the train.  I was really struggling with this.  I was in shock that someone would treat another human being that way.  Either way, I prayed because I was very sad for him, like Jesus said when he was on the cross, "They do not know what they are doing".  I really thought about it, if I can't show him Christ, and even love the guy despite how much HE was clearly in the wrong (in my mind at least), I HAD to show him Jesus.  After I got done getting my phone working again, I just sat on Alexanderplatz and thought and thought and thought.  I was really so devastated by this whole thing I was starting to just feeling numb.  For the next day or two I just didn't want to do anything.  Didn't want to do something good, didn't want to do something bad, just didn't want to do anything at all. Finally I chose to just be selfish and indulge my selfishness.

What I finally concluded was that either way I had a place to stay up to July 15th because I had paid that far in advance already and he agreed originally that I could definitely stay that long.  Not my first choice, but it was an acceptable compromise for both of us.

Here is where my last post about Billy Joel's "You're Only Human (Second Wind)" came in.  The song just reminded me of some very tough times in my life where I really didn't feel like I had any friends.  People liked me, but nobody wanted to spend any time with me.  You think I might be exaggerating, but I'm not.  For a time, I felt like I couldn't buy a friend.  It was an incredibly sad and discouraging time in my life.  One that I will prayerfully never experience again. I hope nobody has to ever go through that.  Despite the pain of that, I decided to (as the song says) get "a little faith so I could catch my breath and face the world again."  I can't think of more appropriate words.  I realized shortly after this time in my life, my faith is not based on how I'm treated by men and women (even brothers and sisters in the church).  It's all about me and God.  If I really believe God loves me and can truly do ANYTHING, I need to rely on him, not on friendships.  This was a HUGE revelation for me.  This song really spelled it out for me.  More than that, it challenged me on my selfish and sinful behavior that I had been wallowing in the past couple days.  It brought me to tears because the song reaffirms that we all make mistakes, you just have to get your second wind (God).  I felt so bad that I had allowed myself to take my eyes off God and just think about myself.  I felt the song was God saying, "Tim, I forgive you. Move On."

All God wants from us is to have a relationship with him.  When we are selfish, we can't be close to God. He's still there, but we have the choice how we live.  With him in purity of heart, or away from him doing things he has warned us will cause separation in our relationships with him.

So last night after the devotional, I got to hang out with Samea and Katja and we went to a little gyros place near his apartment. He invited me Monday to go with him there, not knowing that gyros (next to Mexican food) is like my favorite food.  So this was the 2nd time we went.  (Truthfully I went again today, because their gyros are soooooooo amazingly yummy.)  Anyway, after we had our fill of gyros, we all went back to his place until like 11:30pm.  I figured at that time I had better start heading home.

So Katja and I walked back to subway and as is my custom, I got on the train in the wrong direction....  I ended up at a place where I could change and go by another line home (not the way I had planned, but would have been fine).  So I got back on another train going the way I had originally intended.  I went to change to the regional trains and got on the train, only to realize it was going the wrong way. Now, in my defense, they were doing track maintenance or something and they didn't indicate WHAT direction they were actually going in, so I had to guess. As usual, I guessed wrong. There were no trains AT ALL going in my direction.   Hm. Anyway, I ended up one stop further away from home.  Then I was able to change there to a subway line to the very same subway line (and in the same direction) that Katja caught an hour earlier.  Of course, by the time I got to my stop on the subway, my bus had stopped running.  If I would have just caught the train with her, I could have caught the last one or even the one before that.  At any rate, I was able to catch a bus that got me closer to home, but the whole journey took me 1 hour and 45 minutes!!!  I finally got home this morning at 1:20a.m!
 Ugh....  I think I just need to stop over-thinking it and just catch the one I usually catch. Would have had some more time to chat with Katja if nothing else....

So I think that's enough for tonight.  It's midnight now and I'm meeting Christian tomorrow at 8am to pray, so I had better wrap it up!  Thanks for checking in on me and I appreciate everyone's love and support.  Please keep praying for a job for me. Thanks!!!!

"You're Only Human"

I was listening to my iTunes today and the Billy Joel Song "You're Only Human (Second Wind)" came on.  I had just been praying for God to give me some perspective about my being here, about making mistakes and being focused on the wrong things. I've been struggling with some things here that have been very intense in the past few days.  It's really my own sinful nature...

I believe God put that scripture in Eph. 6:12 on my heart which says, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood (other people who might sin against us, purity struggles, etc.) but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms (temptations from satan)." (NIV)  Okay, to some my notes in parentheses may just sound weird, but it's really true.  I talked a little bit before about when you're trying to do something positive, losing weight for instance, that every possible (and seemingly impossible) distraction and obstacle comes up to derail your progress.  Am I right?

Anyway, that Billy Joel song came on and I really feel like the song was written about my life.  It's so crazy how accurate and painful it was to my heart.  On the other side, though, the theme of the song is about the fact that we ARE just humans, we're going to make mistakes. The tone of the song is so positive and it sounds like it was just fun to record the song (he actually laughs in the song).

The part of the song that just broke my heart was this section:
I survived all those long lonely days
When it seemed I did not have a friend
Cause all I needed was a little faith
So I could catch my breath and face the world again.

It just reminded me that I've come a LONG way to get here.  I'm still fighting my demons but I'm so encouraged that I'm here, that God has been extremely patient and forgiving to me.  I just have to remember what my life is about.  It's not about me or my comfort or my pleasure, it's about glorifying God.  This song has brought me to tears today numerous times, in a good way.  

I'm only human, I can choose today to give in to fear or my temptations, or I can catch my breath and face the world again.  Thanks Billy Joel, I've always loved your music since I was a kid.  Today I heard God's voice through your music and am going to be a lifelong fan of that song.   

I will be doing another update soon, hopefully tonight.  Thanks for checking in on me.  Please be praying for me to find work this week!  

Here are the full lyrics of that song (taken from metrolyrics.com): 

You're having a hard time and lately you don't feel so goodYou're getting a bad reputation in your neighborhoodIt's alright, it's alrightSometimes that's what it takesYou're only human, you're allowed to make your share of mistakesYou better believe there will be times in your lifeWhen you'll be feeling like a stumbling foolSo take it from me you'll learn more from your accidentsThan anything that you could ever learn at school
Don't forget your second windSooner of later you'll get your second wind
It's not always easy to be living in this world of painYou're gonna be crashing into stone walls again and againIt's alright, it's alrightThough you feel your heart breakYou're only human, you're gonna have to deal with heartache
Just like a boxer in a title fightYou got to walk in that ring all aloneYou're not the only one who's made mistakesBut they're the only thing that you can truly call your own
Don't forget your second windWait in that corner until that breeze blows in
You've been keeping to yourself these daysCause you're thinking everything's gone wrongSometimes you just want to lay down and dieThat emotion can be so strongBut hold onTill that old second wind comes along
You probably don't want to hear advice from someone elseBut I wouldn't be telling you if I hadn't been there myselfIt's alright, it's alrightSometimes that's all it takesWe're only humanWe're supposed to make mistakesBut I survived all those long lonely daysWhen it seemed I did not have a friendCause all I needed was a little faithSo I could catch my breath and face the world again
Don't forget your second windSooner or later you'll feel that momentum kick inDon't forget your second windSooner or later you'll feel that momentum kick in