Letting Go And Standing Tall

I'm just staring at this blank screen and thinking, "Where do I start?"...  Well, I guess what God has been teaching me is to let go.  Well, that's not completely true, but I think he's showing me areas of my life where I need to let go and others where I need to be more determined.  That scares me a little bit because I think I can already be kind of intense, so I have to be careful here.

I think I am the type of person that fights for the underdog, for the weak and those without a voice, for those who cannot fend as well for themselves, or stand up courageously.  I have been thinking a lot lately about a time in my life, as a 19 year old when I went skiing with my dad and my stepmother.  I think it was only my 2nd or 3rd time skiing and we went to the Matterhorn in Zermatt, Switzerland.  I remember making all the way up the tram to the top of the mountain at about 13,000 feet (if memory serves.  That was pretty much 25 years ago) and I remember I just pointed my skis down the hill and went.  I had no fear.  On the way home on the bus, they were giving out awards to the best in different areas and they announced they had one more award to give away.  I had my finger on the play button of my walkman (yes with a cassette tape in it) when they called my name.  They said I was the best newby skier, that I had no fear and that I just went out and did it.

I think in some ways I'm still like that in areas of my life.  Lately I have had to stand up for myself, but before I had kind of let things go, which ended up looking like I was letting people walk all over me.  I don't really see it that way, but one day I sort of reached this point where I said "Enough is enough!".  I didn't have a problem speaking clearly and in no uncertain terms.  I told someone what I wanted and told him that I would do whatever it took to make it happen, that I'm not afraid to include other people that were in positions that could help me achieve my desired result. I did it unapologetically and still believe it was the right thing to do.  I made it clear that I was serious.

An interesting thing has happened.  I still haven't gotten what I wanted, but that's alright for now.  I've spent a lot of time muddling my way through situations and challenging circumstances in the past few years and sometimes things just take time.  One thing I believe God has given me is a determined spirit.  There are times when God says no, and I push it until he closes all the doors.  I don't believe this is one of those times.  I think this is the time to ride that horse until the horse has worn itself out.  Right or wrong, I will know that I did everything I could to do what I believe is the right thing.

In some ways I feel like I am finally in my right mind again. Unfortunately that has come as a result of some bad choices, but like Billy Joel said "Just like a boxer in a title fight, you've got to walk in that ring all alone.  You're not the only one whose made mistakes, but they're the only things that you can truly call your own." I have the ability to choose to stay down, or get back up and try to start moving forward again, having to ask God and others for forgiveness, forgive myself and keep going.

I console myself with the fact that I know I've done what's right. Now the challenge is to stay the course and build deep friendships that will help me through those tough times.  These last six months (yes, it's been SIX months since I've returned from Germany) I have had a TON of challenges.  I have struggled terribly with seemingly everything, scrapping for every dollar, every inch of progress I've made.  I still am.  When I look back in 10 years, I hope to see that this time in my life produced something extraordinary in my spirit, in my character and in my heart for God.  All of this has not escaped God, he knows I'm going through it and he still believes I can succeed.  I've still been relying too heavily on myself and now is time for me to get on my knees like I have never done before.  I can't let this just be words, it must become my life.

So that's it for now.  Thing ARE getting better, albeit slowly....  But progress is progress.  Anyways, thank you for listening tonight.  I wish everyone a safe and fun weekend.  Love those around you that need a friend. Be an ear, be a shoulder, but be there for others that are hurting.  This world has too many broken hearts that need mending. Be there for someone.

Okay, let's try this again....

I already had a post mostly written but I deleted it.  It was all over the place and frankly fairly negative.  I'll say that it's been a good week, but it's been long. 28 hours this week so far and another 20 to go. Pray for me, I need it!

So I'm going to try to just share positive things that are happening.  First of all, I'm very excited for the Northwest conference next week.  I'm so excited to see so many friends that I haven't seen in well over a year (or more) from all over the northwest.  I am house-sitting/dog-sitting that weekend for some friends from the church here and I found out that a very close brother is going to be in town for the conference that weekend and is going to be able to stay there with me for the weekend.  That will be so good for my heart to have someone there that knows me very well and is a mature and strong brother.  I can't wait for that!

I find it so hard to build relationships in this church.  This is the first time I've really struggled with this, I don't know what to do about it.  Seattle is a wonderful place, but there is such a focus on the richness of life, but with that can come a blind spot that there are real needs all around.  I don't for a minute believe that EVERYONE acts like this, but it is nonetheless true.  This is not meant to offended anyone, but it is meant to encourage you to look around to see who could use encouragement: an ear, a specific need met, for you to be a friend.

What ever God has given you in abundance, you should spread around. There are so many needs.  People are lonely, hurting and poor in spirit, health and every other way.  This world needs you to look for needs, to show Christ through our lives, to meet needs and not just see people as "undesirable" or worse, as a burden, lazy, or sinful.  We all have strengths and weaknesses, we all have successes and failures, but every person has a heart, and needs someone to believe in them, trust them and fight for them.

This is my plea to YOU tonight. GO!!! Find someone to love.  Do it, and you'll never be the same.  LOVE!!! You'll never regret it!  FIGHT! You'll be victorious no matter what the outcome! You can never lose when you love someone with all your heart!

Happy 4th of July everyone!  Have a safe time, and make sure to love someone new this week!