After So Many Years of Challenges, I Finally Made it Home to Berlin!!!

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  Proverbs 13:12

Wow, where do I even start tonight?  I still can't fathom the importance of today...

I think I'm going to start with a thought I had a couple of days ago that completely and UTTERLY blew my mind.  So the leader of the Berlin team encouraged me to head out to Berlin on Sunday, but I had made plans already to hang out with the brothers' household in Amsterdam that Sunday night (which was so much fun, by the way!)  He said that it was okay to leave Monday then.  

But as I booked the train tickets, the date got stuck in my head a bit: October 3rd.... Yes, I know it's the Day of German Reunification, but it was also the date that I left Germany back in 1992.  Yes, EXACTLY 30 years to the day after I left Germany, I moved back!!!  And I don't believe this to be a coincidence either.  And I swear I didn't plan it this way either! A "memory" on my Facebook page confirmed this date as well 10 years ago as I had confirmed the date I left Germany then as well!

So now I'm back!  And I have to be honest, I'm just absolutely on cloud nine.  Before I left Amsterdam yesterday, I was just in tears.  It felt more like I was crying because I missed my mom (and my dad, too...) but today I was crying tears of just joy for such a humbling honor to return to the place on this earth that I love so much.

And I want to apologize to anyone who sees me posting about my travels this summer.  I promise I'm not trying to boast or brag, I'm just so blown away by what God has allowed me to experience these last three and a half months. These times are the product of a LOT of pain, loss, prayers and hopes and dreams of the last 30 years of my life and the scripture at the top of this entry fits it perfectly. 

 I definitely feel like I'm home.  But in all honesty, I nearly lost it all two weeks ago.  Bad choices almost put me in a very bad place.  But I was as humble as I could be about it, but more importantly an incredible amount of love, forgiveness and mercy was shown to me so I didn't have to lose it all. 

I don't deserve to be here.  At the same time, I know God has seen everything I have been through, including being present during the time both my dad and my mom were on their death beds. I've had to endure so much, and I'm just grateful that God has allowed me to be here right now.  I seriously feel like the most blessed guy in the whole world.  

Before I left Seattle, and also my first week in Amsterdam, I shared my testimony for communion. I talked about my incredible LACK of faithfulness.  Yes, I've been a disciple for almost 30 years, BUT in that time, I have fallen away SEVEN times.  Nearly eight...  But the fact that I had left God seven times was just devastating to me.  So I'm not saying "Look how awesome I am".  Just the opposite!  What a wretched wicked person I can be! I'm (to some extent) the perfect example of what NOT to be!

But then I come back to God's mercy!  Wow, I am so totally undeserving! Thank you, God for not treating me as I truly deserve and for blessing my prayers even when my heart was starting to wander again. 

So if you'll indulge me, I'd like to share my last 24 hours or so.

I left about 7pm for Amsterdam's Centraal Station (yes, it's spelled correctly😀) for my 8:30 pm departure. We stopped in Utrecht and Arnhem before crossing the border about 10:20 p.m. on October 3, 2022.

I had to change trains in Duisburg, a city I had visited in 1991 briefly for a weekend with a co-worker. It felt so good to be back in Germany!!! But there was some confusion with the train and almost missed it because the boards took our train off the itinerary as it was very late getting to Duisburg.  When it showed up, the board said it was a different train to Dortmund! Thankfully we realized what was happening before it was too late!

But the DB (German railway) required masks on the train.  Thankfully I kept some in my backpack. I haven't worn one of those in a while! And while the train was about 40 minutes late, we only arrived about 19 minutes later than scheduled to the Berlin Hauptbahnhof! I arrived at 5:58 a.m. today, October 4th!

So I found my way to the hotel, it was kind of far out in Marzahn, I'm writing this post from there, but wasn't able to check in until 11.  So I went to Alexanderplatz, grabbed some breakfast and a coffee and just enjoyed being home again! I checked in at 11, and since I had only gotten about 2 hours of sleep on the train, I took about a 3.5 hour nap.  It was glorious!  And badly needed!

Then I went to look at an apartment and I told the guy that I was in finance and that I had come to Berlin as a missionary, he asked for my CV to give to his company to see if they could use someone like me in their company.  It seemed legit, so I sent it to him.

Then I went back to Alexanderplatz (nearby) and did some shopping, and then went to Mr. Gyros for my favorite food in all of Berlin!  It was still good, but I think maybe the ownership has changed because it wasn't quite as good as I remember it.  Still a very solid Gyro though.  I actually had two of them, because I was seriously craving them and one just wasn't enough to satisfy my hunger after traveling and eating train station food, LOL.

Then I took the train back to the hotel and here I am... Man, what a day.  I'm still just so blown away by what God is allowing to happen in my life.  I want to implore you, whatever your dream is, especially your Kingdom dream, don't ever give up on it! Things may seem impossible to you, but they're not. I've had to fight through so incredibly much to get to this point (and there are still a lot of battles to be fought), but the battle is God's, and we are just here to swing our swords!

So please be praying for me to get a job where the company can sponsor me so that I can get a work permit and a residence permit.  And pray for us to get a great apartment for the single brothers.  Thanks!

But that's it for tonight. FROM BERLIN! I'm so grateful to God for this opportunity.  Please pray for me to be faithful in everything for HIS glory!  I love you guys and than you again to my heavenly dad for taking such great care of me, meeting my needs, and today... blessing my dreams! I love you!

(Due to internet issues at my hotel and the very late hour I completed this, I am uploading this entry the day after writing it...)

Back to School for this 52-year old!

So I have to acknowledge that my being here in London and having the ability to go back to school for the first time sine 1991 is nothing short of a miracle of God himself. That said, I'm exhausted!!!  

But I survived my first week of my intensive CELTA certification course to teach English as a second language, and to be honest, it was fraught with some pretty intense challenges.  

A week ago last Monday, I had flown to Berlin to look for apartments with a brother from Amsterdam.  I pushed myself really hard and even through discouraging prospects, fought to persevere and push myself to my physical limits.  And I did so happily!  But by Friday, I was pretty wiped out!  On average in London, I was walking about 10,000 steps per day.  In Berlin, I was averaging over 14,000!

My flight left BER at almost 11pm on Friday night and it was packed!  It was through British Airways, but it was staffed by Iberian Airlines.  And I didn't get the sense that the crew really knew what they were doing.  I've never felt that before on a flight.  

Anyway, the flight was fine, we got in on time and everything, but we landed at midnight on 7/29.  Well at that same time, there was a rail strike starting.  I also flew in and out of Gatwick Airport, which is pretty far south of London, so pretty much the only public transportation option was trains at that time of night...  So that wasn't happening.  

The queue for taxis was at least 100 people deep, and no buses. So it was walking 50 miles or Uber.  The uber was about 72 pounds, or almost $100.  Yikes!  But when I went to book it, it deleted my request because now there was a higher demand.  So it increased the rate 1.8X!  My final bill was about 120 pounds.  I don't want to even do that math....

Anyway, I got home about 2 a.m. and crashed immediately.  And I enjoyed my last weekend of freedom with disciples before starting my class on Monday.  

So I went to class on Monday and I had a bit of a tickle in my throat.  Concerning but hoping it wouldn't turn into anything.  On my first day, our instructor said that we really can't afford to miss any days of class since it's an intensive course.  

But I think I caught a bug on that flight back from Berlin, because the next day I had to call out.  I didn't know what that even meant.  I didn't want to push the boundaries of the course, but I didn't have a choice.  Then, all the thoughts went through my head: "what if it's Covid?" "What if I get someone else sick when I go back?"  "Can I even make up my first missed teaching practice?"   

I was really stressed about how I could navigate missing a day in this course. 

So on Tuesday, as I was home sick, I went out to get some food at the grocery store and grab a few things. When I returned home, there was someone waiting for us. It was an exterminator, that had made an appointment several weeks ago that this (of all days!!) was the day he was going to spray the house and I couldn't be there for 3-4 hours. I asked if there was any way to reschedule. He said no.  

Ugh.

So where do you go when you're sick and you can't be at home? I was like "Really, God???" Now what do I do?  So I decided to go to a coffee shop and do a little bit of reading.  That killed like 1.5 hours....  Then I went to pray at a park near my house.  But when I was praying, before I could pray the sentence I had formed in my head, I would pass out!  I was on a bench praying, then sleeping, praying then sleeping!  This happened several times. 

After about 3.5 hours, I was finally able to return home to rest and recover a bit.

And when I returned to class on Wednesday, the instructor assured me that we could work it out.  But I had to give my first teaching practice THAT DAY!  

Which brings up the second issue that I was having: technical issues downloading the software I will need to do my lessons.  I had just purchased a new laptop right before I left Seattle as I knew I would need something for my class.  But for some reason I was not able to download it onto that laptop.  I was told by the software company that I didn't have a "full version" of Windows.   Huh???  

Thankfully I brought my old laptop with me that's about 4 years old.  It's an HP and it's far and away the worst piece of technology I've ever owned.  Nothing seems to work right, it's just garbage.  I rarely use it, and even though it's 4.5 years old, it has easily less than a year's worth of use.  Probably more like 6 months worth of use.

So Wednesday night I decided that was priority one!  But it took THREE hours to download it and once I had it on my system, my laptop was glitching out badly. So I spent some time removing some other programs that I no longer needed and one browser.  After rebooting a few times (which took up to 30 minutes each), it was unclear if it would work. I went to bed very late and very tired and just prayed that it was enough to move forward. 

I shut down the laptop and took it to school.  I pulled it out and was preparing myself for the worst.  Thankfully, it BOOTED. RIGHT. UP!! Thank you God!  Thankfully I also didn't have to do a teaching practice that day, but I did need to do one the next day, Friday. 

And I was also doing all this while sick, blowing my nose constantly, coughing, the whole nine yards! 

So Thursday night I got home after a long day and I was pretty wiped out!  But I was encouraged to actually be able to do my homework on the software that was finally on my laptop!  So I got it started and for some reason, the application shut down on my screen, it just disappeared.  I couldn't figure out what happened and I couldn't get it to come back.  So I decided to reboot.  Problem was, Microsoft decided that was the perfect time to do an update! At about 10:30 p.m.....

Ugh............

An hour later when the update was finished and I couldn't function any more.  I just went to bed and hoped I'd be fresh enough in the morning to get it done after I get up.

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I was able to get my homework done before work and it was ultimately a successful week.  

There were clearly so many challenges that were big and daunting, not to mention the fact that I haven't seen the inside of a classroom (as a student) in more than 31 years.  But what I'm learning through all of this is that all of these things were not unknown to, or unplanned, by God.  Just the opposite is true, that each one of these issues was allowed by God to expose my character.  So what have I learned about my character through them? 

1. Lack of trust in God. Now some might say that I am living out my faith by this extraordinary time in my life.  Yes, but that's only partially true.  I'm a grumbler.  I whine and gripe when things don't go the way I think they should.  God HATES grumbling.  So much so, that for the Israelites that he rescued from Egypt and did miracle after miracle (like the parting of the Red Sea, sending manna every day to feed them, and even the rescue itself), he said that they would not be allowed to enter the land he promised them!  And then he made them wander through the desert for 40 years and they did not enter the promised land.  God took care of their every need and yet it wasn't enough for them.  I'm doing the EXACT same thing. (Deut. 1 & 2)

2. Not rejoicing in sufferings.  As much as I hate to admit this one, it's sooooo hard to do! But the Bible is also super clear.... "Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS, I will say it again, REJOICE!" Phillipians 4:4 and that I don't trust God when he is challenging my character.  The only chance for me to get to heaven is to allow God to mold me to be more like him.  He's not trying to make my life hard, he's trying to make my heart soft like his.  His goal is for me to pray more, not to get more angry or frustrated.  That's unfortunately where my heart has been at.

1 Peter 4:12-13 - Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

So I wanted to apologize to everyone, and to God, for my ungodly posts last week.  I'm saddened that I haven't trusted God with everything.  He's blessing my life so much right now and I have the gall to complain about how he's doing it.  Please forgive me as I also ask forgiveness from God. 

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers of support.  I'm grateful for the love you show me and our friendships.  Sorry to be a poor example in the area of my faith.

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So I'll close this by attaching a photo of my first day of school.  I couldn't resist.  Thanks Harry for taking the picture.  I needed a good laugh after this week!  Love you all!

Wow, My Dreams Are Coming True!

 Wow, what a whirlwind of encouragement these past few weeks!  I suspect this will be a long post, so thank you if you read to the end.  If you don't, I'll understand too. Either way I won't know the difference so there you go.... LOL

So I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm writing this from London, UK!  I got off the plane and it's been in the 70's, sunny and glorious! My heart is happy and full!  I'm incredibly encouraged that I get to call this place home for the next four months or so!

Back in January of this year, I was watching a sermon by Michael Williamson, who leads the London ICC church and he had mentioned that our movement would be sending out a mission team to Berlin, Germany.  I was so excited because back in 2017 I was being considered for the mission team, but it didn't end up going out at that time.  Unfortunately, at that time it was becoming clear that mom was needing more help.  Either way, I wouldn't have been able to go out at that time. 

So in January of this year, I contacted Michael to let him know that I would be interested in being on the team.  A couple of months later I was contacted by the brother in another city who is leading the team that I was being considered!  We had a interview and he said that he would love to have me on the team.  To say that I was thrilled would be a gross understatement! Was my kingdom dream really coming true????  Be still my heart!

I loved my job and this was one of the biggest struggles I have had in the last several months.  I have to be honest, I was getting super burned out on customer service.  I have been there for over six years and the last few months have been BRUTALLY busy.  On top of dealing with a hurting public who have been savagely brutalized by the past few years, political turmoil and only God knows what other craziness goes on in people's lives, it was becoming increasingly difficult to help people and since I'm an empath, I always feel peoples' pain personally and deeply.  And taking on the burdens of 100s of people every week was more than I could handle any more. 

My company was the best I have ever worked for.  They helped me so much when I was taking care of my mom and gave me time when both she and my father passed.  They had the best managers I have ever had.  But in the end, they had me on a "plan" since December and at the end of March, I was told that I would be let go after May 1st if I didn't meet my goals (I was either meeting them or missing them by the slightest possible margins every month).  

My manager ended up taking a job in another area and my new manager, who I've known for the whole time I've worked there, told me after two very emotional calls (crying, not yelling) and I finally told her that I was going to need to submit my resignation effective immediately because the job was starting to affect my health.  I was beyond burned out.  

So that gave me the time to start moving toward leaving Seattle for Europe!!  

But as I was starting to make preparations, I realized that we still hadn't had a memorial service for mom.  So I got ahold of her good friend Sandy and she helped coordinated all aspects of the service.  Jake was there and so was my friend Roger. It was so beautiful and I believed it honored her memory. I miss her so much and even though she passed away in February of 2020, pandemic lockdowns made it impossible to have an in-person memorial.

But so many people shared their stories about her, and people brought quilts and other items mom made for them, so it was great to see her handiwork.  I brought the small VW bug quilt she made for me, but was unable to bring the big quilt because apparently the suitcase it was being stored in got some moisture in it and it was very musty. 

So once that was over, I only had nine days before I left.  During that week, I asked to I've the sermon at the men's midweek service.  My first full sermon in over 29 years in the kingdom! And I got good feedback too!  Here's the link if you'd like to listen to the audio-only sermon.   (8) 2022 Midweek | Faith & Other Things | Tim Morse - YouTube 

I also agreed to do the communion message at church the day before I flew out.  I was very emotional (once again, crying) and I had a lot of encouragement from people on that as well.  By the way, Michael Williamson asked me today if I would do communion this coming Sunday and I agreed.  What was I thinking??? LOL.  JK, but I think I'll do the same one as last week.  Another emotional Sunday!  LOL It'll be great, but it will help me to do the same one again....

But I digress...

So then it was GO TIME.  Even though I ad been working hard to get rid of stuff, it was not enough. At the end I was just stuffing things into my suitcases, hoping they were the things I was going to need. In 30 years of renting and owing places to live, I've never left one that bad before. And it was bad. So I'm asking some brothers in Seattle to help set up some cleaning and I'll pay them.  I also was not able to sell my car.  These two things are kind of still bugging me.  That car has been pretty reliable the past few months, but it's also become a royal pain the my backside, too.  Anyway, I remind myself that God is in control of all of this anyway so I really should not worry. 

But the good news was that once I locked up the door, I was on my way to the airport! My stepmom came over from Yakima to take me and we had a good, but unfortunately, short time to catch up. But I had just gone to visit her Monday and Tuesday of last week, so we did have lots of time to catch up then.  I love her, she's been such a great stepmom to me, and wife to my dad.  

Then came a pretty long flight.  Thankfully I decided for my own health (and sanity) to take a direct flight from Seattle to Heathrow.  It's only an 8 1/2 hour flight and when I got to London, 5 brothers came to meet me: Tosin, Jurij, Aaron, Pablo, and I forgot the other brother's name already.  Hey, I was jet lagged and exhausted from packing for the last few weeks!  Anyway, they sang "We Love You With The Love of the Lord" as I came out of baggage claim.  I was SOOOO encouraged to see them!

And the only real kind of negative/inconvenient thing since I got her was the rail strike, so no "Tube" in a city of like 12 million people.  Taking the bus is normally not a bad way to travel, but when EVERYONE is trying to take them, it's a bit messy. Also, at the airport we had to wait an hour for our Uber driver as there was so much demand, the backup of cars trying to get to the airport literally went for miles... Our poor driver was having a bad day with all of that...

But I got to the brother's house where I'll be staying for the next four months or so and I'm living with a bunch of campus guys and I'm super impressed by them, I had great talks with almost all of them my first night here.  

This morning was a morning of firsts for me.  Joining a campus household, check!  Getting up at 4:30 a.m. to sing happy birthday to a brother, check! Eating a piece of cake at 4:45 a.m., check!  

Then at 6:30 am, we all went out to pray together and along the way, we were singing. I was having trouble singing AND walking at the same time.  Now even though God has helped me TREMENDOUSLY in my abilities to be more active, I was struggling with both. But the weather was beautiful, clear and crisp morning and I couldn't imagine a more perfect morning! 

Now I want to talk a little bit about my health.  My health has not been good in the last few years.  A year ago, I could only walk a block or two before I was out of breath and my back started hurting so much that it would literally take my breath away.  Fast forward one year and I've had many days in a row over 8000 steps, today at about 9500.  I am so grateful that God has allowed me to grow so much and that I'm still over 40 pounds down from my highest weight. 

I'm able to do shopping trips without the electric scooter carts finally for the first time in over two years and I'm so much more mobile than even a few months ago!  But as much as I have grown, I'm feeling a bit challenged here still.  After the morning walking worship time and a long journey across the city (including a grocery trip), I got home and I was exhausted.  And my body was starting to shut down.  So much so that I didn't make it to midweek which I hated, because I really wanted to be there, it was supposed to be my first meeting of the body in London.  Well, the good news is that I'll be getting together with brothers tomorrow, Friday and on Saturday will be a Singles' event. And of course, church on Sunday.

 But after just a day and a half, and despite my exhaustion, I couldn't be happier. I'm still having a hard time believing I'm here and that in just over a month I'll be taking an intensive course on teaching English as a second language. Please pray for me because I haven't been in school in 32 years! And I literally feel like the most blessed person on earth!  

Freedom FINALLY!!

It's 8:07 a.m. on May 29, 2021. I just woke up and the thought immediately crossed my mind that the day is FINALLY here!  

After 442 days of lock downs, quarantining, social distancing, face masks, gallons (okay maybe not gallons, but a LOT) of hand sanitizer, I'm now free!! 

On  May 15th, I got my 2nd Moderna vaccine and today marks 14 days since that momentous occasion and I'm beyond thrilled to start, in earnest, getting back to life before a pandemic turned the world's apple cart upside down.

I would have never guessed on March 13, 2020 when lock downs began that it would be 14 1/2 months of quarantine.  I'm glad I didn't know that fact back then, I think my mental health would have declined much sooner! And I must say, watching the news every night where 1000, 2000, 3000, 4000+ people were dying every single day in the United States was a heavy burden to carry. 

As of today, my day of freedom, I want to acknowledge the more than 593,000 people in the US that have died due to this virus.  We could have done much better than that, but some people made virology politics. It's sickening, it's sad, and it was unnecessary. I'll step off my soap box now. But I do want to remember the incredible toll this has caused in human terms.

Now I'd like to define freedom in this context for what my life will look like moving forward. It DOESN'T mean that I go anywhere and everywhere without a mask.  But it DOES  mean that I can see family, go to restaurants, and enjoy fun times with friends: dinners, game nights, hanging out in coffee shops, doing touristy stuff around town, traveling, etc!!

The last year has been excruciatingly difficult.  I constantly denied my impulses to go out and to keep myself and others safe by staying home.  But that comes with a high price for someone who is an extravert, lives alone, works from home, and even church became a virtual experience, the solitude became too much to handle at times.  

As a person that works in Customer Service, it has become more and more apparent that people are struggling.  In my interactions with people, poor communication skills that were once an occasional annoyance are now a common feature in calls.  

For example, too many people before the pandemic had the really bad habit of interrupting me as I was trying to answer their questions.  It didn't happen a lot, but now it happens on a much larger number of calls.  It doesn't sound like a big thing, but when you're trying to communicate really important things that will definitely effect them, many times I have to come back and highlight these issues so they don't do something that could cost them in the end.

But back to my original point.  Right now, and for all of these reasons, I'm exceedingly grateful to God that he is starting to deliver us from some of this craziness we've had to endure.  Currently (as I mentioned to my manager at work yesterday) I feel pretty "crispy".  Haha. Yeah, I'm a little burned out.

So I'm taking some time off!  Today is day one of NINE days off, and more days off next week as well.  I'll be visiting my buds in Spokane, one who turns 50 on Monday and where we will be planning to enjoy a little BBQ action for him and his daughter who both celebrate on the same day. I love that guy, he's becoming a bit of a celebrity there, and we were friends before he became locally famous. 😊

Now starts a true era of healing for me, and for us as humans.  Many of us are struggling, lonely, cooped up with family members for over a year, learning how to be social again, and some not desiring that social life any longer (not me, by the way).  Let's try to be very understanding and deliberate in how we interact.  We need to give each other a lot of grace as we re-learn how to be citizens, friends, and even family members to people we have not seen in a long time.

I plan to be very deliberate on how I control my feelings. I'm going to try to be kind despite how I may feel, especially if someone is trying my nerves, whether deliberate or not.  I'm going to always have a kind and honest word ready for people.  I'm going to try....  

And if YOU are struggling, please reach out to me.  Even if you think "Oh, it's not that bad, I'll be okay."  Well, let's not test that theory.  Based on my last post, I did that and (to an extent) didn't work too well for me. If you have my phone number, or if we're friends on FB, please reach out to me.  Or you can email me at amerigerman@gmail.com.  Please, even if you want to reconnect, it could be an encouragement to both of us.

I love you guys, let's have an incredible summer of fun with friends, and if you haven't already, please take this in the most humble way, please get vaccinated.  If we don't and the virus mutates (like the flu virus does every year), then we could be in for years of what we have just been through. And I know that nobody wants that.  Have a great day and may life return to normal for all of us very soon!

I Wish I Had a Friend Like Me

I am not sure where to even start with this post.  So I guess I'll just start "somewhere."

I'm taking a break.

I don't know how long, I don't know where to go or what to think any more. I'm discouraged, I'm lonely, I'm frustrated.  I described my situation to a brother as a "death by a thousand cuts."  No one person is to blame, no one situation caused this, and I'm trying to determine my responsibility in where I'm at, and how I can get back to me. But writing usually helps me to screw my head back on straight, so here we go.

Over the last year I've felt like I have needed a break.  I assumed that meant needing a break from work, which there is a good chance that would help me too.  But over time, I've had less and less ability to deal with inanity (a lack of sense or meaning (per Bing)).  In people, in our society, in government, and yes, even in people who mean well in Christianity but lack the Biblical knowledge and cultural support to know how to love.

Over the last 4 years, I've watched one man single-handedly work to destroy our country, and democracy. I won't tell you I respect your views if you disagree with my assessment, HOWEVER I do understand why you believe what you believe. Either way, I know with 100% confidence that you do not know all the reasons for my conclusion in this matter.  And to be honest, the majority of you that have supported this monster have little to no curiosity or desire to know the truth, so having a conversation about it is fruitless. 

This is my first frustration.

But the straw that broke the camel's back for me was one particular "brother" in another city who challenged me on some things I posted online.  I was prepared to show him the reasons for my position.  After multiple attempts to have a phone conversation with him, it became very clear that he had no intention of speaking with me directly about these things, but to carry on a fruitless debate by IM. The Bible is very clear on this issue: Mat 5:23-24 states that if you know your brother has something against you, leave your offering at the altar and go and be reconciled with your brother. I gave him this scripture on a Friday and said I would like to be reconciled with him before church on Sunday when I give my offering and take communion. No response.

Again, this was the "last" straw, not the first.  Listen, I'm not Democrat and I sure as heck ain't Republican.  But anyone that knows me, knows that I love people. I believe in them, I enjoy spending time with them, and I love encouraging them. I want to see them do well,  I want them to have the same opportunities and live life without fear due to race, sex or any other thing that people are judged on. But the last four years has shown me the ugliness and godlessness in humans like I have never seen before, and I've studied the Bible with people for 28 years!  

In a way, having learned this is actually a good thing because it's real, authentic.  But this revelation has really rocked my world.  I have ALWAYS believed that people have good intentions, that they (particularly disciples) really seek to understand Jesus' heart toward people.  I've seen that too many disciples' "love" reflects a much more worldly heart than Christ's.  I guess this shouldn't surprise me, but it does.  And it hurts a lot. And yes, I do understand it hurts God first, and hurts him more. (John 15:18)

In some ways I blame myself for this.  I've been trying to write this book about love since 2013, but the last 7 years have been fraught with challenge and hardship. I've poured myself out to rid myself of worldly ballast (my house in Spokane) and for taking care of my mom as she neared death, and finally passed away last year just as the pandemic was growing. I've pushed myself beyond my limitations and got up every morning ready to tackle the day and continue on as I held down a full time job and endure the extreme emotional hardship of watching both of my parents decline and leave this world. 

And I was in full-on survival mode. 

I was grateful to have a God helping me through it and only giving me what he did.  I acknowledge that it could have been much, much more difficult. It doesn't make what I went through easy, but I believe God did make it more bearable. But it's been nearly impossible to have the bandwidth to write with so much upheaval in my life. I believe that Satan has put so much in my way to do whatever he can to prevent me from writing this book. It deals with what the Bible says about loving others.  If you look at Jesus' live and love for others, the bar is VERY VERY HIGH.

And even thought I've had so many challenges, a part of me still blames myself for not getting this book written.

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With that said, I'm in a very weird and unexpected place right now.

Over the last few months, it's been harder and harder for me to feel engaged, especially with spiritual stuff.  With losing my parents, and the extreme loneliness I've felt since quarantining alone in my apartment for the last year, I have been CRAVING connection.  Zoom church has been great, but everyone logs off right after.

During the pandemic, I've fought to be responsible and make sure I'm being safe and not going out except for the necessities, but others somehow think it's okay to do whatever they want to, which has kept, and will continue, to keep us locked up, even despite vaccinations.  I have a lot to say on this subject, but I will restrain myself for now.

But I'm done.  There are times when I say "I'm over this."  But this is different.  I'm done.  At least for now I have decided for my own peace of mind to step back from everything except my job.  

Now in the spirit of what I mentioned before about people not having the Biblical insight or cultural support for how to truly show love, I have to talk about some things that will look on it's face like I'm calling people out.  To a small extent that is true, but really what my heart is to show how things have affected me (and may also affect others in similar situations).  I acknowledge up front that people have busy lives, responsibilities and things I know little or nothing about.  So with that in mind, here's what has been on my heart.

After I lost my dad just over two years ago, I had a lot of people reach out to me to give their condolences, and every one of those gestures were very much appreciated. Thank you if you were one of those who did.  At the time I lost my dad, I was also extremely busy with helping my mom out, which usually happened on Sundays after church.  This time I spent with my mom was so vital, special and cherished that I don't feel the need to explain it away or apologize for it.  But in that, it made me miss fun times with other singles that happened during those times.  I believe I chose the better thing, but it also prevented me from other social activities that would have been beneficial as well. 

But during this extremely challenging time, I had very few people who reached out to me.  Let me just say that when you know someone is having a tough time, and they are in your ministry, the worst thing you can do is "leave them alone."  There were many days I didn't have the strength to have long in-depth conversations with people, but the fact that almost everyone left me alone was hard. I didn't have the strength to reach out to a lot of people, but I did anyway, as much as I could.  But it took everything out of me when it did.  And I did this as often as I had the strength.

Unfortunately, my mom's passing on Feb. 26, 2020, just prior to lock downs due to the pandemic, was a perfect storm for me in my recovery.  I was just about to return to the gym when they closed down. Also, it further alienated me from others during a time where I could finally start getting time with people again.  And at that time, none of us knew that we would be quarantining for an entire year! So what ended up happening is that I didn't do much of anything physically during that time. As I healed from the previous few years, I became even more sedentary.  I began to eat whatever I wanted.  And it was easy for me to kill the pain in my heart from losing my parents by eating sweets and comfort foods of all kinds.  My weight grew to over 425 pounds.  By this point, it became extremely difficult for me to function. I've even had to start using electric shopping carts at the grocery store because my back pain had become extremely intense. That has caused a tremendous amount of shame.

Up until November 2019, I was traveling and walking all over Europe on two trips there.  I've never been limited in any way physically until now.  And now that I'm here, I'm finding it extremely difficult to get this all under control.

This has taken over my consciousness now.  It's pushed everything out because I feel desperate to bring this all back under control.  And as I said before I've felt increasing frustration and difficulty in being engaged in spiritual matters.  I asked for help and didn't get it (this is feeling like history repeating itself).  The person I reached out to ended up helping someone with a yard project as I sat helpless to get myself out of the situation I found myself in. He has since apologized, which is great, but I told another brother that it feels like trying to replace the brakes on your car after you've already wrapped it around a tree. It feels like a nice gesture, but pointless.

Many people have reached out to me in the last month since I took myself off the church messenger groups and I just haven't had the strength to answer most of the calls.  I'm grateful for the hearts of people that have reached out, my only critique is that I really could have used those calls over the last year. I know that's going to sound harsh, and I truly don't mean for it to, but one thing I've learned is that you should always encourage those around you. You surround people with love.  You come by their house, you bring food and gifts. You spend time with them, you pray with them.  I've tried to be that for others when they are hurting, but to not get that back when it would do the most good is kind of devastating. In essence, I wish I had friends that love like I've tried to love others.

Now I would like to make one thing very clear.  I COMPLETELY support the goals and hearts of the ICC movement.  Yes, I'm in a bad place, but I'm trying to understand the areas where I am struggling and acknowledge my part in getting to this unfortunate place, nor am I trying not to blame anyone in the church either.  The conclusion I've come to so far, is that God has put me in this place for a reason.  I am forced to choose whether or not to become bitter and unkind.  And to be quite honest, I'm frustrated with God right now.  I'm not angry per se, I just don't know how to overcome the overwhelming nature of my situation. I've given up everything for the Kingdom (and so far) am not seeing God's answered promises when you give up everything for him.  I know my story isn't over yet, but man I could really use some encouragement and validation that I'm not a total derelict in the eyes of God,  my spiritual family and my friends. I feel left out, I feel left behind and people, by their lack of actions, have made me feel unworthy to have true and deep friendships. I don't believe that myself, I know I am worthy, but I'm tired of trying to persuade others of my value.

So I reached this point and I just don't know what else to say.  I know I should get some therapy, but unsure how to afford it. And the stigma of mental health issues is real.  That's the reality in my mind. A brother acknowledged I've been through a very traumatic time and should really seek help. But it's another thing I have to give time and energy to, that I just don't have the energy for.  

Ugh, this is so hard.

A HUGE Unexpected Surprise!

 Wow, so I have to admit I wasn't prepared for the news I got last night.  I think I'm still in a bit of shock this morning...  So I've doing a ketogenic (keto) diet off and on for the last two months or so.  Mostly "off" if I'm totally honest.   But during the times I have been on it, I've followed the rules pretty closely.  

Six months ago, back on June 8th, I decided to do an initial weigh in.  I say to my shame that with all the challenges (see my blog from a few days ago), I had let myself gain a lot of weight. I had a scale that would register up to 400 lbs (181 kg), and I had exceed that scale's limit. Ugh.  So back in June I bought another scale and had to weigh myself on both at the same time to get my starting point.  

Now your weight shifts constantly so neither of the scales wouldn't stop on any number, so they were constantly changing.  So I decided to video the displays and when I uploaded the video, I was able to pause every few seconds, add up the numbers and then take an average of the results.  At that time it was 421.2 lbs (191 kg).  I watched the June 8th video and it was obvious I was still having a tough time with everything.

So I'm certain in the months between June and October that I gained weight.  There's no doubt in my mind of that, at least a few pounds, but likely more than a few.  But for the sake of accountability I will use 421.2 as my official starting point on June 8, 2020. 

The last few weeks, since probably two weeks before the election, I was off my diet.  It was such a stressful time and I couldn't stay on the plan and deal with the insanity of the state of our country and the election.  But I started my diet again about 10 days ago.  My goal (and I thought I would have to lose 25-30 pounds) was to get below 400 by the end of the 2020.  

So last night I decided to weigh in again to see where I was at.  For the first time, in the last week or so, I could tell I had been losing some weight, but I also knew that I had been very bad there for several months.  So I did the same thing again, two scales, video and stopping every few seconds and add the numbers, do an average, etc.  And I couldn't believe what I saw!  I was thinking that I was adding incorrectly!  But it came out at 403.2 pounds!  That's a loss of 18 pounds officially, and likely more unofficially!  And it put me only three pounds from my first goal!  And I still had 20 days until the end of the month!  For that kind of number, it had to be God!  Thank you, God!!

Now I know this is going to sound strange, and maybe even a little bit controversial, but I've learned from several trustworthy sources (a doctor and a biologist) that when you're first starting the keto diet, they suggest not doing intense workouts because it can kick you out of ketosis (the central piece to the keto diet that makes you lose weight).  But I have been more active, walking more, working on my car, and just getting more movement generally and not being as sedentary. After the first phase, you can start being more active, doing more workouts, etc.  Either way, I think that would be more difficult for me right now anyway, so I'm okay with that. 

But for now I'm just really excited.  I was completely unprepared for the news that I had come this far already.  I was SOOO tempted last night to go get an ice cream or a pizza or something, but decided to have some berries instead.  And they were pretty delish.  I had already had my (not really allowed) cheat day two days ago because I went to the German store and couldn't refuse some jelly filled gingerbread, a bar of Ritter Sport (strawberry) and a few Hanutas. So I couldn't justify another cheat day. 

When my dad was still alive, every year I never knew what to get him and my stepmom, so I would bring, or send, lots of German Christmas treats for us all to enjoy together.  And they were always a huge hit! It's one of the few Christmas traditions I have, with the other being that I would bring a fruit pie as I'm not a huge fan of pumpkin or pecan pie. (And the fruit pie was ALWAYS the first one eaten) Either way, I don't regret the cheat day and I jumped back on the plan the next day, albeit with some more sugar cravings!  Oh well, life goes on.  

So I feel pretty motivated now and I hope that I will, in fact, meet my goal for this month.  So I'm going to UN-officially change my goal to 390 by the end of December. That's the weight at which I still felt pretty functional.  This last year, I have felt very non-functional, so I'm excited to hit that modified goal! 

And I can't wait to get rid of one of my scales, hopefully in the next week!

Covid Quarantine, Remedies for Cabin Fever, and Dealing with Loss

 Wow, what a whirlwind the last few years have been.  One of my last entries was talking about getting my house sold, which was stressful, but God finally closed that chapter.  In June of  2018, my mom had asked for me to start helping her as my nephew was moving out on his own.  Since she was living on her own and her own mobility was starting to become significantly worse, the choice was clear.  Since she lived about 25 miles (40 km) away, I could really only go up to see her about once a week to help her.  But that worked for both of us just fine.  

I would do shopping for her, and some cooking and cleaning in the house. I would take my own laundry up as well and make a day out of it, usually on Sundays after church. It was so great getting some time with her.  I know she enjoyed the time we spent together too.  While the laundry was going, we would chat and watch our favorite shows together, typically American Pickers, or her favorites like Live PD and pretty much any show involving animals. Because she was such a great mom, she would also let me watch a car show like Gas Monkey Garage or others.

But after 4 months or so, I was starting to get overwhelmed. Very overwhelmed.  I started feeling physically weak and only having one day to recover every week was starting to take it's toll on me.  But I found out that my employer offered up to 20 days per year of family leave, which I was approved for.  And I took Fridays off to help mom so that I could still have a couple days to recuperate each week. 

We started looking for a nursing care facility as mom knew she would need to do that soon. My step sister also came up to visit and she and I went to look at a couple of places.  And we were stunned by the prices.  The cheapest one we could find was over $5,500 per month!  So we were forced to put that on hold for a little while. 

Shortly after starting to take the family leave days to help mom, I got a call from my dad's wife.  She told me that she was pretty certain that it would be his last Christmas.  He had had a double lung transplant about 5 years earlier and over the years, he has just continually become weaker and the seriousness of the complications became more serious and with increasing frequency. 

Since they lived on the other side of the mountains, and I was still feeling maxed out (yes, even despite the family leave days), I was really struggling.  With everything else going on, the LAST thing I wanted to do is drive through the snow over the mountain pass in December.  I seriously just couldn't deal with it.  But I agreed to go, and just started praying.  Well, actually I started begging God to make passage EASY both directions.  And he totally answered my prayers!  All the roads were totally clear both directions! That's very unusual for December, especially twice!

So we had a wonderful time at Christmas with my dad and step mom.  But unfortunately, her prediction of it being his last Christmas were, in fact, correct. 

At the beginning of February, mom called me to tell me that she was in the hospital. As she was going to bed one night, she was twisting to sit down on her bed, and she pulled a ligament in her knee. She was told that she could not return home as she would no longer be able to walk.  So now started a mad dash to clear out the house, find a buyer, and get it sold as soon as humanly possible.  After 10 or 11 days, she was released from the hospital into a nursing home, but her cost to stay there was $300/day  (That's $9,000 per month!), and that was not covered by any of her insurance. 

So for February and March, I worked so hard to get her house cleaned out, mostly by myself.  I was exhausted, and at the same time, watching my mom struggle.  It was a very emotional time.

On the same day mom went into the hospital, dad also went into the hospital in Eastern Washington. Thankfully he was released after a period of time and was relatively stable during the months of February and March.  I didn't have the time or energy to go visit.  That was, until mid-March when I got a call from my step mom. Dad was back in the hospital and it was getting more and more serious with his lungs.  They decided to put him into a nursing home and had authorized hospice care. 

So the next day (Monday) I let my employer know that my dad was not doing well and that I needed to go see him.  About the time I arrived, he had just been transferred to the nursing home.  He seemed to be doing well, playing pinochle with a doctor, and just joking with the staff.  And my stepmom kept watch over him as much as she could physically. After two days, I decided I needed to return to Seattle.

At the end of March, after two of the most physically and emotionally challenging months of my life, we finally got mom's mobile home sold, and the buyer agreed to haul off a BUNCH of stuff I had to leave behind because I had nothing left physically in me to haul that stuff off. I can't tell you how much of an answered prayer that was.  God was seriously protecting me from a project I don't think I could have handled.

But God also gave me a dozen amazing friends from church to help me move the stuff we kept into storage.  Finally, I was able to take a breath.

Or so I thought.

So mom paid for her 40+ days in the nursing home, over $11,000, and we were so blessed to find a group family home for her to live in at $5,000 per month (the cheapest we had found so far). She was moved there on a Thursday, and by Sunday we moved in her personal items.

But that same day, dad had gone into the hospital again. This time they said there was nothing they could do. His body was just too weak to put him through another procedure.  I got the call and I couldn't respond.  After getting mom all set up in the evening, I went to bed to get ready for the week because I just didn't have the energy to make a decision on dad.  When I woke up in the morning, it was clear to me that I needed to go.  So I called in to work, and let them know I needed to back to see my dad.  So I packed the car for a few days, and made a reservation at a hotel in their town and headed over the mountains.

When I arrived, dad was being transported to the hospice facility.  Dad was pretty lucid and we were able to interact with him a bit.  My brother arrived later that day and he stayed in dad's room that night. 

The next morning we all went back and dad just slept.  In the times he was awake, he was not really able to interact.  At lunch, we all stepped out of the room to their little break room and had some food all together with some of my step mom's sisters.  My stepmom went back to the room while we all chatted a bit longer.  She must have known something we didn't.    When we returned to the room, for the first time, dad's head was turned to the side instead of facing forward.  I knew this was not a good sign.  We called in the nurse and she confirmed he was very close to death.  We were all upset and my stepmom asked if I could pray.  So the three of us gathered in a small circle and we prayed for dad.  It must have been during our prayer that he decided to go.

Needless to say, this was a very challenging time.  I remember after we had our chance to say good bye in the room, they wheeled him into the small chapel there before loading him into the transport. That's the last time I saw him.

He passed on a Tuesday, and I stayed the rest of the week to be with the family. The one thing I have to say is, especially while dad was in the hospice facility, we laughed so much.  So many memories of us being rotten kids and how we tormented our poor dad as kids. So. Much. Laughter.    So many wonderful memories!

So after this, life returned more or less to normal.  Or at minimum, to a new normal.  The week after I returned home, I had a fall out with one of my roommates, who got in my face about having a chore schedule in the house.  And I lost it.  I was done.  It was too much.  I stormed out of the house as I just couldn't deal.  It felt like the perfect betrayal.  I was devastated by the interaction.  I had been trying to keep things together, to move on with real life, and this stopped me dead in my tracks. It was truly the last straw.

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A month or so later, I got another call from my mom.  I didn't answer it because I had just gotten off the bus coming home from work and didn't want to have a conversation at the transit center.  I regret not having taken the call.  She was calling me to tell me that she was going to the hospital.  I tried calling her back, but couldn't reach her.  I didn't know what was happening, and there was no way for me to find out.

She hadn't been feeling well that day, and by mid afternoon, she was starting to worry.  So they called an ambulance and took her to the ER.  While they were examining her, they said that they couldn't tell what was wrong.  They were about to release her when the doctor exclaimed that she was having a heart attack.  Right there in the ER while she was being examined!  So they rushed her in to surgery and had 3 or 4 stents put in.  She was in the hospital for another week or so as I recall and then was released to go back home to the group home. 

In July, I was still feeling pretty overwhelmed by everything: dad dying, trying to still be there to help mom, recover and be reconciled with my roommate, etc. But I wasn't doing very well with it.  So I decided I needed to find my own place for a while, got some advice, and started looking.  I found a place and moved in on Aug. 17th.  It was a micro studio in a really GREAT part of town.  It was a newer building (the newest I had ever lived in as an adult) and I moved in and tried to organize my life, everything I owned, into 230 square feet (21 square meters).  It took several months, but I was able to get it organized.  Finally!!!

During this time, I was going through lots and lots of boxes that came out of her shed.  Many wonderful items I hadn't seen in decades.  Some I had never seen, but most if it belonging to her mom who had passes over 20 years before.  So for many months, my apartment was filled with foul smelling boxes and the treasures of two lives.

So then came the holidays.  And pretty much every week I was still helping mom, cooking for her, shopping for her and just going up to visit.  She moved a little closer to me, but I had also moved a bit farther away, so the distance was still about the same.  We had Thanksgiving turkey breasts and most of the trimmings and for Christmas she just wanted spaghetti.  She absolutely loved both of them.  We exchanged gifts for Christmas and just sat around talking and laughing like we always did.  

After the holidays, and in the month of January, I was finally able to just relax a bit.  2019 had been such a brutal year, I literally needed a month off. I still went to see her pretty much every week, but it was much more relaxed.  Then February hit.  Mom was back in the hospital again.  She was so tired. She hadn't been able to get up or out of her room since July.  The doctors told her they wanted to do a procedure, but she told them in no uncertain terms "no"!  She only wanted comfort care from now on.  No more procedures, she wanted to be left alone.  I found out later that she even stopped using her CPAP machine when she slept.  

She hadn't been able to eat much for months.  Her nurses were very concerned about this and so she would eat some things that I made for her, and she ate the spaghetti at Chritmas and we had Outback steaks for my birthday in January where she did eat a full meal.  

At this point, the second week of February, she began to have a very soft and raspy voice and it was very hard to understand her.  The doctors said she may have a slight case of pneumonia.  But unfortunately, this was the beginning of the end.  Two weeks later, mom passed.  And in 10 1/2 months, both parents: gone.  

My nephew's wife and I sat there for about 5 or 6 hours on the day she died. So about 6:15 p.m., I decided to go home.  She passed about an hour and a half later. My best friend, my biggest fan, my wholehearted supporter was gone. I got the call and drove the 25 miles back to see her. My amazing friend and hospice nurse, Roger, came also to be with me. I don't know what I would have been like alone there in that room. So glad it was Roger.

Then started the pandemic.  Couldn't donate items to charity as nobody would accept them, so therefore I was unable to get the storage until cleaned out until July.

By September everything was done, except the memorial service.  The pandemic killed all large meetings.  I guess we'll have to see when that can be done. Right now the virus is completely out of control.  I don't foresee any memorial service until at least summer 2021. 

Between grieving for my mother, and dealing with all of the other challenges over the past few years, I have been exceptionally grateful for having an amazing employer that allows me to work from home. I'm also grateful for having been able to live alone to quarantine myself from the virus.  It's been a blessing and a curse though.  I long for times with my friends, going to a restaurant, seeing family at the holidays, and being able to invite people over for dinner, games or a movie (or all three!).

Nine months in quarantine drives you a little bit nuts.  Again, I'm very grateful to be able to work from home, but I haven't left the house much in the last nine months, except to get groceries, and try to get fresh air. But the vast majority of the time has just been spent IN my apartment.  And the cabin fever has been getting progressively more serious. Over the months, I was essentially getting no exercise and I didn't need to go anywhere, and I suspect i gained about 30 - 40 pounds. And because I wasn't doing my standard daily stuff, all my muscles were atrophying and when I did try to walk, or even stand for periods, my back would spasm so bad that I had to rest it.

So I finally decided that I needed an outlet.  I really didn't want to just go out and walk, that's the most boring thing in the world to me.  And with the virus, I felt even less like going out. And since my gym has been closed, I haven't had that as an outlet either.  Even when it did re-open, I didn't feel comfortable going in with there even being the possibility of catching the virus.

So I decided to buy a little fixer-upper car like I used to have when I had my house.  After a couple months of searching, I finally found the perfect little car: a 1982 Honda Civic. It's 38 years old and needs a fair amount of "love" to get it to be something I would feel comfortable using a lot, but I still have my Accord, so right now I don't need it for much.

1982 Honda Civic, "before" picture

But yesterday, I figured I had better make use of a rare sunny Saturday in December and go out and do some work on the car.  The guy I bought it from was trying to make it into some kind of rally car or whatever and had put these weird racing seats in it.  It was nearly impossible to get in and out of the car because of the bolsters on the sides of the seats.  So I found a regular seat for that model and installed it.  Now I can reach all of the buttons on the dash and even change the radio station!!  

And I have to share a funny story.  It wasn't so funny at the time, but now I'm glad it was something minor.  So I had gone to run an errand and I was stopped on this steep hill.  Then the car died.  So I tried starting it again and I got it to go a bit farther, but then it died again, and it was on an even steeper grade.  But it wouldn't start again the second time.  So I was able to back it down the hill and do a U-turn on the road and then compression start it with the downhill grade.  I got it home and didn't think much about it.  It seemed like there was no gas in the tank, but it was showing well over 1/4 tank...

So then I had to run another errand a few minutes later and this time it died on me on a much busier intersection.  I was able to drive it the two blocks home, but then it wouldn't start again today.  Which is so weird because it usually starts almost immediately.  And so I was able to confirm...  no gas!  Easy and cheap fix ($10 for a gas can) and now all is good with the world again.  

I've also started doing the keto diet in earnest.  Between the stress and sadness of this year, the pandemic, the election, the protests and seeing this country for what it is, I just haven't been able to start in any meaningful way.  I'll post my start weight soon and will provide updates.  I may even start doing video diaries.  But between working on my car and the diet I have already made progress!  Please pray for me to continue in that!

So finally tonight, I've been thinking a lot about my health lately.  Having this car is helping my mood, my spirituality and my physical health doing lots of little things to make the car a little better every time I work on it.  I love making a shabby little car into something special and rare and useful.  It's the basis of every DIY show on cable!  It's so much fun to create something cool!

If you're struggling during the pandemic.  I have two encouragements for you: 

1. If you feel distant from God, please contact me.  God is the ONLY thing that has allowed me to keep sane during this crazy time.  Please let me help you understand who God is, my life isn't perfect, but with Him, it's not only tolerable, it's AMAZING.

2. Once you have a true, deep, intimate relationship with God.  Get a hobby.  Do something you enjoy. Get away from the kids for a bit (if you can), and read a book, build something, take a walk, whatever it is that fires you up!  But please seek God before this step.  Nothing can bring you the peace and the happiness that you get when you know God.

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So if you've made it this far, thank you.  Writing is how I process my little world, my challenges, and it helps me somehow to create order out of chaos in my mind.  It's so therapeutic and healing.