Feeling super overwhelmed lately. Yes, there are a lot of things that I am unsure of at present. Yes, I feel like I need a few miracles. Yes, I am discouraged. I have been thinking a lot lately about gratitude. I know that my needs are, in fact, being met at the moment, but I'm struggling to remember what those things are. So, if you'll bear with me, I'd like to share with you a few of those things that are good in my life tonight. Though this is not a complete list, these were the things that came to mind right away. I will likely also share a few of my challenges and feelings about them as well.
I am grateful for:
1. my relationship with a powerful God
2. Being able to be home with my family
3. For having a roof over my head
4. having a warm bed to sleep in
5. that I still have access to food stamps so I can eat
6. a safe trip back from Germany
7. so many people already that have given me rides here
8. my mom who is allowing me to use her car
9. my mom's church for helping us with gas money
10. brothers and sisters to network with for jobs
11. nine months in the most amazing city in the world (Berlin)
12. God allowing me to make so many life-long friends in that city
13. revitalizing old friendships in Seattle
13. that I am able to help my mom out
14. that there are many good jobs in my field available in the Seattle area
So, I was thinking about how my life is challenging since I have been back in the U.S. I was thinking that I live so far away from disciples, without a car, with no money and no means of earning money (yet). I've been home now 11 days and I definitely have some good leads, but as of today, I am completely broke. No more money. I don't even know what to do. I've never really been in this position before and I've been struggling to pray and get in the Word the past couple days. I feel a bit numb, don't know how things are going to work out. In my mind, I know that God can still do a miracle, but not sure my heart is there any more. I'm exhausted, discouraged and I feel alone.
It's good to be with my family again. I am glad that I can help my mom out right now, but sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with everything on my plate. I don't know how to get out of this situation. A job would help, but I don't think that is the whole story. I have really tried to trust God over the past year, waiting for his answer, and yet I still wait. I know he is there, I know he is working on my character, but I am desperate for that elusive answer.
Just before I left Germany, I asked one of my flatmates to load Linux on my laptop. BIG mistake. I have had nothing but problems since. I had a brother here look at it for me to see if I could access the other partition where Windows was stored. He said it wasn't there. In doing this, the system inadvertently erased (?) the partition with Linux and since Windows was no longer there, I can't use my laptop at all. My laptop turns 6 years old this week and I am not sure how much life it has left. On top of that, it's having problems reinstalling Linux. Another dead end (no pun intended).
So this is just a sampling of some of my struggles of late. I remembered today as I was doing an errand, that in Exodus, God got very angry with the Israelites because when they were wandering around in the desert, they complained. A lot. God provided food every morning (manna) and even provided water out of a rock! Despite that even though their lives were uncomfortable, their needs were being met. God was so angry because of their complaining that he swore on oath that nobody brought out of their slavery in Egypt, into the land he promised them, would ever enter it. That is why they wandered in the desert for 40 years. I don't want to complain about my situation, even though at times it seems hopeless. God assures me he will never leave me alone and that he will provide for my needs (but makes no promises about my wants).
I realized that my situation is different than in Germany, and in some cases more severe, but it is actually essentially the same. It was excruciatingly difficult to leave Germany and put my dream on hold, but I know it's from God because he made it clear I should return. The reasons are not completely clear yet, but I am trying to trust his will. The only real difference in my being here is that it's somewhat harder for me to get around. I also don't have a cell phone at the moment, but I do have a home phone that I can make and receive calls with. I guess what is hardest for me to deal with is the additional loss of control and maybe even certainty of what is to come. With my move to Germany, I laid it all on the line, I decided I did not want to be afraid anymore and begin to live my dream.
I guess the next question is, "How do I feel about coming home?" The answer is mostly "Not good.", however, that is not the whole picture. I do love Washington State and I really love Seattle. I have family and many great friends here and I am grateful in the past 11 days to make new friends! But in reality my life is a bit more difficult, and for the second time in a year, I have to start all over again. Challenging, but not impossible. I'm grateful for a positive start (even though it has been a struggle). I don't think it's bad to struggle, in fact it can be very good in many ways, but at times it can be unpleasant.
So I guess if I could sum up my feelings right now, I just want to be content in my current situation. I can't focus so much on where I would rather be, but to live here and now, where I am. That was actually one of my goals for the year. Despite that, I do hope I can return to Germany soon. Only time and God will reveal if that is the plan, so for now, I will try to just be happy and grateful in Seattle and hopefully I can encourage this city as much as it encourages me.
In the meantime, please pray for me to find work so that I can help my mom out with her finances as she is on a fixed income. I'm very excited to get back to work, I hate not working and miss very much the sense of purpose it gives me as well as getting to know new things and new people.
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