Coming to you today from the Snohomish Public Library.... I definitely have a lot on my heart today, still going through a roller coaster of emotions and challenges, but am inspired by a movie I saw last night, Blood Brother. First of all, if you haven't seen this movie, I very strongly encourage you to see it. It is one of the most inspiring and deep films I have ever seen. I think every human being needs to watch this show, it will change your life.
Shortly after I left Spokane last year, they had a screening of the film there and I was unable to see the movie. After I left Berlin, they had a showing there as well. But pretty much as soon as I arrived in Seattle, the church announced that they would be showing the movie here and I was able to watch it last night, at long last!
I had no idea how this movie would rock my world. It starts out showing this brother in our sister church in Pittsburgh going to India to serve the poor there. He absolutely fell in love with the people and the culture and it became a large part of his heart. But then he was forced to return to the US due to his visa being denied. (Sound familiar?)
You could tell in his mannerisms when his best friend picked him up at the airport how he was not encouraged to come back. You could see the struggle and "deflation" as he was getting situated back in his life in the states. He made a couple comments that have really stuck with me. First he said that he wanted to return to India and he felt like nobody could relate with his situation or his love for this place. He said "I know my desire and I feel confident of it." (That is not a direct quote, but the idea is there).
I can relate with the deflation and feelings of self-doubt that he felt. I love Seattle, but as much as I love this city and the people in it, my heart is still in Berlin. I miss the people, the good times I have had there and the city. I have been thinking a lot of my situation the past month and a half since I have been home, and to try to process what God is trying to teach me through my being here. The answers still aren't clear, but I am sure of one thing. I know God is with me, and he is not punishing me.
To those of you who have been following this blog or who know me personally and also don't understand what is going on in my life, I don't either. But I would like to be clear in this: I am not perfect (that's not news) and I have made a lot of mistakes on this journey. But one thing I am totally confident of is that I have made every effort to make good decisions all along the way, even before I left Spokane. I haven't made those decisions for you or anyone else, but I do make them with sobriety before God, taking into consideration how He would feel about them, acknowledging the prayers he has answered in my life and his promises. I take into consideration my situation, how those decisions might impact others, possible spiritual and financial consequences, and I try to always get advice from spiritual men and women in my life as I make them.
I do not make these decisions in haste or flippantly. At times I agonize over them, and often those decisions may not always make "sense" to others. But I do absolutely make them in faith and I sometimes even experience some consequences of them. I have had to humble myself constantly, respect how others might view them (right or wrong), pray about it, and move forward. I don't claim to know what God's plan is, but I know where I want to be and what I want to do in the future. I have sacrificed a great deal for those things and I strive to continue toward those goals. I don't believe that God has said "no" to my dreams. So my journey continues.
Not unexpectedly, my dream is to return to Germany. Whether that is in two months, two years or in 20 years, I believe I will go back. Germany is where I was born and where in high school and college I grew up, became a man, and had my first relationships. It's where I bought my first car, had my first apartment and my first jobs. I came to love the German people, culture and even their food with all of my heart. You can't take that away from me and I hope you can respect that. I have a passion for Germany, it's the deepest part of my heart.
But I realize now that I have to wait. I'm not sure for how long, but I do have to wait. Waiting is not fun and I would rather have the answers right now, but that is not usually how God works. In the meantime, please pray for me to give my heart here for as long as I need to, and pray for there to be a clear opportunity for me to return soon.
I was talking to a brother on the phone the other day who I have not spoken with in about a year. It's someone I have known for a number of years and I respect him deeply. He was telling me about some things he was thinking of, specifically how he could give more and be more effective with his giving. He gives his tithe to the church but he wants to meet more personal needs with what God has given him. I was very inspired by this and encouraged him that this was a very mature and loving thing.
There are so many personal needs in this world and there is a huge demand for people to take time to consider how they can personally help others, whether it is with money, time or strength. It doesn't have to just be money, some people just need to have someone they can talk to, someone to help them move, fix their car, cook for them, etc. I believe God wants us to use the talents and material goods he has given us for the encouragement of others. And serving is good for our own hearts as well.
So that was definitely the theme of this movie I watched last night. I don't want to give it away, because the images and principles in the film are much more powerful than any words I can write here. But what the film does show is one person's selflessness, his constant humility, even putting himself in danger for the service of others, where the recipients of his service are not able to give back to him, except for their love. It's an incredibly powerful message!
I have heard the movie is now out on DVD, however I don't know how widely available it is, but I was able to find it on amazon, here's the link to rent or purchase: http://www.amazon.com/Blood-Brother-Rocky-Braat/dp/B00H8ZODXA/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1393702156&sr=8-1&keywords=Blood+Brother
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I have also been encouraged by a few people in the past few months to finish writing my book. I was so excited to get the Introduction done a couple months back, but unfortunately, it was lost when my laptop crashed a month or two ago. I think I may wait until the end to re-write it. For some reason, God allowed it to get irretrievably lost, so maybe it was the message that He wanted it to convey... Maybe after writing the book, the purpose will be somewhat clearer or even slightly different than my current vision. Either way, I need to move past the things that I have no control over, to things that I do have "control" over.
Also, please pray for me as I have an interview on Monday for a job with a major company here in the Seattle area. It looks like it would be a great fit for my experience and skills and am very excited to market myself to them.
I was extremely anxious about a situation this week and felt I could not have a conversation with the other person involved. Long story. Fortunately, God worked it out so that we did, in fact, have a conversation. It was remarkably fruitful and it annihilated my anxiety! It was the first step in a series of events this week that have helped me to have the energy to deal with other things that just weren't getting done. It's been a very productive week and I hope this is a sign of even better things to come....
I was also able to get health insurance this week and to continue to get food stamp assistance. It's hard for me to ask for this kind of help, but I just couldn't put it off any longer. The process was relatively quick and simple and I was grateful I took the time to do it. Thanks, God! Let's just hope I don't need those services for very long. I'm so ready to get back to work!!!
Well, I think that's enough for today. Thanks for checking up on me and I hope to have a job soon. Thanks for your prayers and support!
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