Lately I have been exhausted. Not just tired, not just discouraged, but completely wrung out, worn out, drained, beat, sapped.... out of gas. I haven't been able to figure out why I have been so tired all the time. I was trying to take vitamins and do other things I knew would help, but they were having very little effect on my overall energy level. On top of that, I couldn't sleep very long and when I did, I experienced significant back and neck pain. I normally sleep very deep and between 6 and 7 hours every night. Even on the days I would get that much sleep, I still felt wrung out and in serious pain.
I couldn't understand what was going on with me and it was causing me even more anxiety and stress and it just kept spiraling down, getting worse and worse and worse. I was so discouraged and weak that I was having a hard time functioning. The last few weeks have been a very low time for me. I didn't want to do the things that I really loved, I didn't want to do what was right, I began to rebel, and began to be apathetic. Things became even more overwhelming for me. Even answering the phone was too hard, or just responding to a text message.
I was starting to get concerned about where this was heading. When I get like this (which is never, or at least never this bad) I have tendencies.... I will eat more, and more poorly. I will get lazy and want to indulge myself in eating and other things, not wanting to go anywhere or do anything, not meet with people, not go to bible talk or even get fellowship. People that know me have probably never seen me act this way. I can't imagine what people must have been thinking that don't know me very well.
So, for those of you that have seen me during this time, I hope this post will explain why I have been acting the way I have....
So one of the things that most people know about me is that I'm obese. Clinically, I'm morbidly obese, well over 100 lbs over my ideal weight. As such, for the last 6.5 years I have needed a CPAP machine to help me breathe at night because I have sleep apnea. Since I got the machine in November 2007, it has helped me to breathe while I sleep. When I sleep without the machine, my blood oxygen levels go dangerously low and I can't get any regenerative sleep (ie: I never would go into REM sleep, which is the type of sleep that helps your body to repair itself, it's also when you dream) This is also the time in your sleep that you have "rapid eye movement" or REM. This is where you actually rest in your sleep.
Sleep apnea happens when your muscles relax during your REM cycles, which happen about every 1.5 hours. So even though you are unconscious, your body benefits very little from it. And you snore VERY loudly. Between gasping for air because when your muscles relax, the weight of fat on your neck crushes your windpipe (throat) causing you to stop breathing. This can happen hundreds of times per hour all night long. It is very dangerous and people have died from this condition.
Since I have had this machine in 6.5 years, I have replaced my mask, filters, etc, but had not yet replaced the hose from the machine to the mask. Sometime in the past few months, it had developed a small hole about the size of a peppercorn, maybe 2-3 millimeters in diameter. I bought a new hose last year before I moved to Germany, but didn't think I actually needed it yet.
As I was going to bed two nights ago, the hose was making a weird sort of squeaking noise and then I felt there was a small blast of air coming out of it. I had already laid down, and I was really tired. But I decided to get up and look for the new hose I had bought. I finally found it and replaced it. I'm so very glad that I did. The past two nights of sleep have been heavenly! I'm sleeping at least 7 hours a night now, waking up not nearly as groggy (even though I think I still have a lot of sleep to catch up on) and my back and body is not as sore as it was previously in the mornings.
But the thing I notice the most is that my mind is clear. For months I have been feeling confused and nothing seems to make sense, on top of the exhaustion. I still have a little way to go, but I feel so much better, it's incredible. Not everything seems so burdensome, things don't feel so hopeless and discouraging. In fact things feel great now and encouraging and I feel like I'm getting my groove back!
I don't know how long this has been an issue, but I'm guessing at least since I returned from Germany in January.
The frustrating thing for me is that I'm trying so hard to make changes in my life. When I'm that tired, it's very difficult to deal with a lot of new things. That's one reason why I have been struggling so much.
So here's where it gets personal. I know myself pretty well. I know that when I'm tired, I tend to give in to eating, laziness, being sedentary, and just generally give in to any struggle that comes my way. Just like any man, I have purity struggles, struggles with laziness, struggles with wanting to retain control of my life (even though God has been helping me a lot with that one in the past year or two.) When I act out in this way, I am essentially telling God, "I want to do it my way right now." Then I do what I want to do....
In Germany, this was especially difficult for me because as much as I loved it there and that God put so many amazing people, places and experiences in my life, when I was lonely, tired, or having a pity party, or just feeling stressed by not having a job and money, visa issues, dealing with the German authorities, unsuccessful job interviews, etc., I would struggle with these things a lot. At times I felt especially rebellious, would harden my heart and indulge myself in all kinds of unhealthy activities.
I am saying this because I am human. I love God with all my heart, but the last years of my life have been extremely challenging. I'm grateful that God has put things in place that have helped me to stay faithful to him, including a group of disciples that I have met with regularly over the past 11 months, without which, I might not still be faithful. I have had to humble myself and be real with them, and they have accepted me, loved me, prayed with me, encouraged me, and walked with me through everything that I have had to deal with. Part of the success I have experienced has been simply humbling out and confessing things that are hard to talk to other human beings about. But I know the only way I am going to continue to be successful is to continue to be open with them and others.
I am also deeply indebted to one of the best friends I have ever had, Christoph, that still believes in me despite who I can be sometimes. I'm so grateful to you and my heart hurts that I can't be in Berlin to spend time with you at the TU, to pray with you or just go for a coffee. Du fehlst mir sehr, mein Bruder und mein Freund!
God gave me a very special gift this past weekend. I feel like it was a personal greeting card from Scott Green and the Berliner Gemeinde Christi (Berlin Church of Christ). There was a video about our missions contribution this coming Sunday. It was a slideshow of the pictures of so many of my good friends in Berlin. I sat in church with a huge smile on my face, excitement in my heart, but not being able to hold back tears as I watched the faces of so many people I love so dearly there go across the screen. I have sehnsucht to be there in Berlin with you, to laugh with you, to worship with you and to enjoy time doing all the crazy things we used to do. My heart is broken to be so far away from all of you. I hope you all know how much I love you and miss you. Basti, Helger, Christoph und Dascha, usw..... My heart lit up to see your faces again, even if it was just for a brief moment.
I think I finally am ready to admit that I think I had to return to the US to experience what I have, to remain faithful. Maybe staying in Berlin was just not healthy for me right now. I needed a wake-up call, something to get my attention. Something to make me appreciate when I do actually return, not to make the same mistakes a second time. For the first time in a while, my thoughts are clear and my direction is more obvious than ever. I believe with all my heart that I will make it back to Germany, hopefully sooner than later, but I know I will be back there.
I have said before that I have given most everything I have for this dream of being able to help love the German people and to help them get closer to God. That's true. What I'm learning, is that I have not given up what I am, who I am, the things that I go to when life gets hard. God wants my whole heart, and I'm beginning to learn what that means.
I have grown so much through this process, I have made so many mistakes, I have hurt people that have believed in me. I have hurt myself with my sins (haven't we all?), but most of all, I hate that I have chosen things to medicate myself from the pain I have had to deal with instead of having God take those things from me and heal my heart and give me that peace. Instead of just getting on my knees before God, I have just gutted it out, gritted my teeth until it passed, not having grown or learned from it. It's no wonder I am where I am now (spiritually, not necessarily physically).
I was reminded of the story in Matthew 14, when Jesus was walking across the lake and the disciples in the boat saw him. Peter asked Jesus if it was him, to tell him to come out to him, also walking on the water. He did it, for a few steps. Then he doubted because of all the wind and waves and he began to sink. I console myself with the fact that I did actually step out of the boat. TOTALLY in faith, but began to sink because of how intense the situation had become.
I guess in the past couple days I have been thinking a lot about this. I remember seeing a meme on facebook where the diamond miner gives up just short of finding his treasure, a cache of diamonds, that he was literally inches from. I thought I was still trying to get there, but I had stopped because I didn't fall down before God to ask for his help. I tried to do it through my own power. (See below for copy of the image described.)
I'm very humbled by this. I don't believe this is the end of my dream or this journey. Not by a long shot... But what I do believe is that I need to renew my love and commitment to God like I never have before. I want to spend more time in prayer, not necessarily because I want God to reward me with going back to Germany, but because God himself says "I am your shield, your very great reward." in Genesis 15:1.
So, I feel blessed, yet challenged.... I feel encouraged and yet I feel like I've failed in so many ways. I heard something tonight on the show "Extreme Weightloss". Only one of the two contestants made it to the end. The trainer was standing with her, talking about how much she has had to overcome in the year she has been doing this challenge. He said something to the effect that, "you fall 7 times and have to get up 8. That's what happens with transformation." I immediately started to cry, because it's so true and it's so applicable to my life right now.
If you remember, I started this blog over four years ago because it had become obvious to me that I needed to reinvent (transform) myself. I think this has just come full circle....
I have much more to report, but I think this is enough for tonight. I will fill you in on details of other events in my life shortly, but I really needed to get this off my heart, to share it with all of you, because this is the best way for me to not only share my life, but to get people that will hold me accountable and will help me get to the finish line. I am grateful for all of you. Thank you, I love you all. My heart is full tonight, and it's because of God and you.
(Image from David McElroy, with the caption, "Never give up, you might be closer to reaching your goal than you think.)
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