I'm just staring at this blank screen and thinking, "Where do I start?"... Well, I guess what God has been teaching me is to let go. Well, that's not completely true, but I think he's showing me areas of my life where I need to let go and others where I need to be more determined. That scares me a little bit because I think I can already be kind of intense, so I have to be careful here.
I think I am the type of person that fights for the underdog, for the weak and those without a voice, for those who cannot fend as well for themselves, or stand up courageously. I have been thinking a lot lately about a time in my life, as a 19 year old when I went skiing with my dad and my stepmother. I think it was only my 2nd or 3rd time skiing and we went to the Matterhorn in Zermatt, Switzerland. I remember making all the way up the tram to the top of the mountain at about 13,000 feet (if memory serves. That was pretty much 25 years ago) and I remember I just pointed my skis down the hill and went. I had no fear. On the way home on the bus, they were giving out awards to the best in different areas and they announced they had one more award to give away. I had my finger on the play button of my walkman (yes with a cassette tape in it) when they called my name. They said I was the best newby skier, that I had no fear and that I just went out and did it.
I think in some ways I'm still like that in areas of my life. Lately I have had to stand up for myself, but before I had kind of let things go, which ended up looking like I was letting people walk all over me. I don't really see it that way, but one day I sort of reached this point where I said "Enough is enough!". I didn't have a problem speaking clearly and in no uncertain terms. I told someone what I wanted and told him that I would do whatever it took to make it happen, that I'm not afraid to include other people that were in positions that could help me achieve my desired result. I did it unapologetically and still believe it was the right thing to do. I made it clear that I was serious.
An interesting thing has happened. I still haven't gotten what I wanted, but that's alright for now. I've spent a lot of time muddling my way through situations and challenging circumstances in the past few years and sometimes things just take time. One thing I believe God has given me is a determined spirit. There are times when God says no, and I push it until he closes all the doors. I don't believe this is one of those times. I think this is the time to ride that horse until the horse has worn itself out. Right or wrong, I will know that I did everything I could to do what I believe is the right thing.
In some ways I feel like I am finally in my right mind again. Unfortunately that has come as a result of some bad choices, but like Billy Joel said "Just like a boxer in a title fight, you've got to walk in that ring all alone. You're not the only one whose made mistakes, but they're the only things that you can truly call your own." I have the ability to choose to stay down, or get back up and try to start moving forward again, having to ask God and others for forgiveness, forgive myself and keep going.
I console myself with the fact that I know I've done what's right. Now the challenge is to stay the course and build deep friendships that will help me through those tough times. These last six months (yes, it's been SIX months since I've returned from Germany) I have had a TON of challenges. I have struggled terribly with seemingly everything, scrapping for every dollar, every inch of progress I've made. I still am. When I look back in 10 years, I hope to see that this time in my life produced something extraordinary in my spirit, in my character and in my heart for God. All of this has not escaped God, he knows I'm going through it and he still believes I can succeed. I've still been relying too heavily on myself and now is time for me to get on my knees like I have never done before. I can't let this just be words, it must become my life.
So that's it for now. Thing ARE getting better, albeit slowly.... But progress is progress. Anyways, thank you for listening tonight. I wish everyone a safe and fun weekend. Love those around you that need a friend. Be an ear, be a shoulder, but be there for others that are hurting. This world has too many broken hearts that need mending. Be there for someone.
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