A Stunning Realization....

Good evening everyone, thanks for checking in on me.  I'm going to warn you that tonight's post is going to be very raw, very real and there will be some very personal things I will be sharing about.

Lately I have been exhausted.  Not just tired, not just discouraged, but completely wrung out, worn out, drained, beat, sapped.... out of gas.  I haven't been able to figure out why I have been so tired all the time.  I was trying to take vitamins and do other things I knew would help, but they were having very little effect on my overall energy level.  On top of that, I couldn't sleep very long and when I did, I experienced significant back and neck pain.  I normally sleep very deep and between 6 and 7 hours every night.  Even on the days I would get that much sleep, I still felt wrung out and in serious pain.

I couldn't understand what was going on with me and it was causing me even more anxiety and stress and it just kept spiraling down, getting worse and worse and worse.  I was so discouraged and weak that I was having a hard time functioning.  The last few weeks have been a very low time for me.  I didn't want to do the things that I really loved, I didn't want to do what was right, I began to rebel, and began to be apathetic.  Things became even more overwhelming for me.  Even answering the phone was too hard, or just responding to a text message.

I was starting to get concerned about where this was heading.  When I get like this (which is never, or at least never this bad) I have tendencies....  I will eat more, and more poorly.  I will get lazy and want to indulge myself in eating and other things, not wanting to go anywhere or do anything, not meet with people, not go to bible talk or even get fellowship.  People that know me have probably never seen me act this way.  I can't imagine what people must have been thinking that don't know me very well.

So, for those of you that have seen me during this time, I hope this post will explain why I have been acting the way I have....

So one of the things that most people know about me is that I'm obese.  Clinically, I'm morbidly obese, well over 100 lbs over my ideal weight.  As such, for the last 6.5 years I have needed a CPAP machine to help me breathe at night because I have sleep apnea.  Since I got the machine in November 2007, it has helped me to breathe while I sleep.  When I sleep without the machine, my blood oxygen levels go dangerously low and I can't get any regenerative sleep (ie: I never would go into REM sleep, which is the type of sleep that helps your body to repair itself, it's also when you dream)  This is also the time in your sleep that you have "rapid eye movement" or REM.  This is where you actually rest in your sleep.

Sleep apnea happens when your muscles relax during your REM cycles, which happen about every 1.5 hours.  So even though you are unconscious, your body benefits very little from it.  And you snore VERY loudly. Between gasping for air because when your muscles relax, the weight of fat on your neck crushes your windpipe (throat) causing you to stop breathing.  This can happen hundreds of times per hour all night long. It is very dangerous and people have died from this condition.

Since I have had this machine in 6.5 years, I have replaced my mask, filters, etc, but had not yet replaced the hose from the machine to the mask.  Sometime in the past few months, it had developed a small hole about the size of a peppercorn, maybe 2-3 millimeters in diameter.  I bought a new hose last year before I moved to Germany, but didn't think I actually needed it yet.

As I was going to bed two nights ago, the hose was making a weird sort of squeaking noise and then I felt there was a small blast of air coming out of it.  I had already laid down, and I was really tired.  But I decided to get up and look for the new hose I had bought.  I finally found it and replaced it.  I'm so very glad that I did.  The past two nights of sleep have been heavenly!  I'm sleeping at least 7 hours a night now, waking up not nearly as groggy (even though I think I still have a lot of sleep to catch up on) and my back and body is not as sore as it was previously in the mornings.

But the thing I notice the most is that my mind is clear.  For months I have been feeling confused and nothing seems to make sense, on top of the exhaustion.  I still have a little way to go, but I feel so much better, it's incredible.  Not everything seems so burdensome, things don't feel so hopeless and discouraging. In fact things feel great now and encouraging and I feel like I'm getting my groove back!

I don't know how long this has been an issue, but I'm guessing at least since I returned from Germany in January.

The frustrating thing for me is that I'm trying so hard to make changes in my life.  When I'm that tired, it's very difficult to deal with a lot of new things.  That's one reason why I have been struggling so much.

So here's where it gets personal.  I know myself pretty well.  I know that when I'm tired, I tend to give in to eating, laziness, being sedentary, and just generally give in to any struggle that comes my way.  Just like any man, I have purity struggles, struggles with laziness, struggles with wanting to retain control of my life (even though God has been helping me a lot with that one in the past year or two.)  When I act out in this way, I am essentially telling God, "I want to do it my way right now."   Then I do what I want to do....

In Germany, this was especially difficult for me because as much as I loved it there and that God put so many amazing people, places and experiences in my life, when I was lonely, tired, or having a pity party, or just feeling stressed by not having a job and money, visa issues, dealing with the German authorities, unsuccessful job interviews, etc., I would struggle with these things a lot.  At times I felt especially rebellious, would harden my heart and indulge myself in all kinds of unhealthy activities.

I am saying this because I am human.  I love God with all my heart, but the last years of my life have been extremely challenging.  I'm grateful that God has put things in place that have helped me to stay faithful to him, including a group of disciples that I have met with regularly over the past 11 months, without which, I might not still be faithful.  I have had to humble myself and be real with them, and they have accepted me, loved me, prayed with me, encouraged me, and walked with me through everything that I have had to deal with.  Part of the success I have experienced has been simply humbling out and confessing things that are hard to talk to other human beings about.  But I know the only way I am going to continue to be successful is to continue to be open with them and others.

I am also deeply indebted to one of the best friends I have ever had, Christoph, that still believes in me despite who I can be sometimes.  I'm so grateful to you and my heart hurts that I can't be in Berlin to spend time with you at the TU, to pray with you or just go for a coffee. Du fehlst mir sehr, mein Bruder und mein Freund!

God gave me a very special gift this past weekend.  I feel like it was a personal greeting card from Scott Green and the Berliner Gemeinde Christi (Berlin Church of Christ). There was a video about our missions contribution this coming Sunday.  It was a slideshow of  the pictures of so many of my good friends in Berlin.  I sat in church with a huge smile on my face, excitement in my heart, but not being able to hold back tears as I watched the faces of so many people I love so dearly there go across the screen. I have sehnsucht to be there in Berlin with you, to laugh with you, to worship with you and to enjoy time doing all the crazy things we used to do.  My heart is broken to be so far away from all of you. I hope you all know how much I love you and miss you.  Basti, Helger, Christoph und Dascha, usw..... My heart lit up to see your faces again, even if it was just for a brief moment.

I think I finally am ready to admit that I think I had to return to the US to experience what I have, to remain faithful.  Maybe staying in Berlin was just not healthy for me right now.  I needed a wake-up call, something to get my attention.  Something to make me appreciate when I do actually return, not to make the same mistakes a second time.  For the first time in a while, my thoughts are clear and my direction is more obvious than ever.  I believe with all my heart that I will make it back to Germany, hopefully sooner than later, but I know I will be back there.

I have said before that I have given most everything I have for this dream of being able to help love the German people and to help them get closer to God.  That's true.  What I'm learning, is that I have not given up what I am, who I am, the things that I go to when life gets hard.  God wants my whole heart, and I'm beginning to learn what that means.

I have grown so much through this process, I have made so many mistakes, I have hurt people that have believed in me.  I have hurt myself with my sins (haven't we all?), but most of all, I hate that I have chosen things to medicate myself from the pain I have had to deal with instead of having God take those things from me and heal my heart and give me that peace.  Instead of just getting on my knees before God, I have just gutted it out, gritted my teeth until it passed, not having grown or learned from it.  It's no wonder I am where I am now (spiritually, not necessarily physically).

I was reminded of the story in Matthew 14, when Jesus was walking across the lake and the disciples in the boat saw him.  Peter asked Jesus if it was him, to tell him to come out to him, also walking on the water.  He did it, for a few steps.  Then he doubted because of all the wind and waves and he began to sink.  I console myself with the fact that I did actually step out of the boat.  TOTALLY in faith, but began to sink because of how intense the situation had become.

I guess in the past couple days I have been thinking a lot about this.  I remember seeing a meme on facebook where the diamond miner gives up just short of finding his treasure, a cache of diamonds, that he was literally inches from.  I thought I was still trying to get there, but I had stopped because I didn't fall down before God to ask for his help.  I tried to do it through my own power. (See below for copy of the image described.)

I'm very humbled by this.  I don't believe this is the end of my dream or this journey.  Not by a long shot...  But what I do believe is that I need to renew my love and commitment to God like I never have before.  I want to spend more time in prayer, not necessarily because I want God to reward me with going back to Germany, but because God himself says "I am your shield, your very great reward."  in Genesis 15:1.

So, I feel blessed, yet challenged.... I feel encouraged and yet I feel like I've failed in so many ways.  I heard something tonight on the show "Extreme Weightloss".  Only one of the two contestants made it to the end.  The trainer was standing with her, talking about how much she has had to overcome in the year she has been doing this challenge.  He said something to the effect that, "you fall 7 times and have to get up 8.  That's what happens with transformation."  I immediately started to cry, because it's so true and it's so applicable to my life right now.

If you remember, I started this blog over four years ago because it had become obvious to me that I needed to reinvent (transform) myself.  I think this has just come full circle....

I have much more to report, but I think this is enough for tonight.  I will fill you in on details of other events in my life shortly, but I really needed to get this off my heart, to share it with all of you, because this is the best way for me to not only share my life, but to get people that will hold me accountable and will help me get to the finish line.  I am grateful for all of you. Thank you, I love you all.  My heart is full tonight, and it's because of God and you.



(Image from David McElroy, with the caption, "Never give up, you might be closer to reaching your goal than you think.)

Wheels and Stuff

I have to be honest, the last couple of weeks have been a challenge.  There have been some high highs, and some pretty deep lows as well, but I'm trying to take it all in stride.  Unfortunately, some days are better than others. So let's start with the "bad", or actually, let's just refer to them as "the challenges."

I'm very grateful for my job.  It is a really good fit for my skills.  It's heavy on customer service, and it makes use of my ability to organize and get things done.  My department is kind of the heartbeat of the hotel.  We organize and dispatch service providers to assist the hotel guests in most areas of the hotel.  For instance, we are responsible for answering the phones of the hotel and following up on requests, we dispatch our engineering department to any request for repairs to pipes, electrical and other mechanical issues; we work with housekeeping, take room service orders for the restaurant, handle billing issues, organize and log lost & found items and handle shipping and receiving (among other tasks).  I really enjoy the work.

The problem started when one of the girls had gotten another job and left and the other person working in the  department was either let go or quit (not sure which).  Either way, all of the sudden, after less than 3 weeks, I had suddenly become the only person in my department and I wasn't even fully trained yet.

My bosses are amazing, they have totally supported and encouraged me, more than I could have ever asked. They have acknowledged my situation and have done much to help me get up to speed in many areas.  But it has been extremely stressful for me and I still have lots to learn. For the past two weeks I have been totally alone in my office, often having question with little outside help and seemingly critical comments about actual and perceived mistakes I am making.  There is SO much to learn in this job, so many areas of the hotel I have to have knowledge of (including knowing most employees in the hotel), and technical issues and limitations, as well as moving (separately) our office to another location and our shipping/receiving location to another floor (it used to all be in the same office).

There have been significant challenges to overcome (acknowledged by my managers) with VERY little supervision.  There have been times where I just get discouraged because I just don't understand how I can complete this overwhelming amount work, designed for 4-5 employees, by myself in eight hours per day with little help and training.  I am making progress, but it feels painfully slow.  Progress is progress, I guess.

So I think it's appropriate to brag on my managers here.  I have had to have a few uncomfortable and challenging conversations with them, and every time, they have tried to understand and help me however they can.  One manager in particular has told me numerous how excited he is to have me on board.  He wants me to kind of rebuild the department.  In my original interview, I told him that I am writing a book on how to treat people.  Hopefully he has seen that in practice in my calls.... Kind of a high bar I set from the very first time we met at my interview!!! Oy....  LOL  Oh well....

So it's going pretty good now, still feel challenged, but at least we have another person starting next week to help me get some stuff done!  That makes me happy, and supposedly they are trying to hire a couple more. Boy, that would be nice!!!  I have also been making some suggestions on how to streamline everything and make improvements in workflow, etc. Some they have accepted and embraced.  :)

One other thing that hit me like a ton of bricks last week.... I got a message from my renter in Spokane that he had a problem with the electrical in the house.  He didn't have any lights or power in either bedroom, the bathroom, or the hallway.  I was hoping it was just a bad breaker and I was praying for that to be all it was.  Unfortunately, there was a problem with one of my outlets in the back bedroom.... and it cost me over $450 to fix, which absolutely decimated my budget.  I'm not sure how I'm going to pay my mortgage this month (Which is less than the amount it cost to have the electrical problem fixed.) Uuuuughhhh.....


So now, to the good stuff...  A few weeks ago, I was kind of looking to see if there were any cars I could "afford".... Any free cars out there???  LOL  Seriously, the last couple years I have been more interested in older Toyota Corollas, so I was looking on craigslist locally (and even in Portland and Spokane!) and the cheapest cars that ran, generally started at $1000 and went up from there.  Kind of discouraging, I didn't know how I was going to be able to afford a car, but I figured if God wanted me to have a car, he would make it obvious.

One day, I was browsing and saw an ad that just said "cheap transporttation" (yes, it was misspelled).  I looked at it and immediately loved it...  It was a 1986 Corolla.   It was ugly as sin, but it ran... and it was only $600!  I didn't have any money at the time, but I thought I might be able to come up with that much. I sent him an email and he called me after a few days.  He offered to drive it over so I could test drive it, so I took it for a spin and I was amazed.  Despite it's looks, it ran really nicely!

The car was originally owned by nuns.  Seriously....  They apparently only drove them 50k miles and then they sell them.  So one of the sister's sisters bought the car from them and has owned it ever since.  Her husband (the guy I bought it from) says she drove it like a grandma!  LOL  So, it's pretty obvious that mechanically I think the car is in pretty good condition.  It needs a tune-up and filters and such, but for the little bit that I drive it, it should work great.  These cars are notoriously reliable and it only has about 180,000 miles on it (290k km).

But that is all great, but here's the amazing thing.  The first day I heard from the owner of the car, he said that his email inbox was inundated with interested parties in the car.  Everyone wanted to trade housework for the car, or make payments or whatever.  I told him I had no money, but that I was VERY interested in the car.  So every few days I would call and he kept saying he still had the car!  I absolutely couldn't believe that this car did not sell the first day it was up.  It was half the price of all other running cars, and it still had working air conditioning and a decent-sounding AM/FM stereo!  There's just no reason this car was for sale for 3 1/2 weeks!

When I got my second paycheck (and with a little help from some generous donations from followers of this blog) I was able to buy the car.  I originally told him my situation, that I had just moved back from Germany, trying to get settled again, etc.  I told him a few days before my payday that I would likely only be able to come up with $500.  He talked it over with his wife and they agreed to accept that price!  This car was already totally under-priced! I am so grateful that God held the car for me! It really runs so nicely!  Thank you, God!

Also, last weekend I was so happy to have a chance to get out of town for a couple nights to the Semiahmoo Resort and Spa in Blaine, WA for a single's retreat.  This hotel is only about 3/4 mile (just over 1 km) from the Canadian border.  It was so nice to get some time away (3 1/2 whole glorious days!) and see some people that I haven't seen in a long time.  It was badly needed!

Saturday night, some of the women from our sister church in Vancouver, BC invited us to their condo in Birch Bay for dinner.  Not just any dinner, but BBQ!!!  There was a ton of amazing food and got to catch up with an Austrian sister (yes, we did speak some German!) that I haven't seen in a few years and make new friendships as well...  It was super encouraging!!   Definitely exactly what I needed.

On the way home, we stopped in Bellingham to grab some lunch with a BUNCH of other disciples.  There were so many of us, that we ended up having to split up and go to different places, but it was fun! We went to a Mexican restaurant...

Well, I think that's enough for tonight.  Thanks for letting me get so much off my heart.  Hope you all are doing well and I look forward to updating again soon.

New Spiritual Convictions

I just got done watching this video.  I would encourage you to watch it, too, before you read the rest of this blog.  It's inspiring, moving, convicting...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cD32zEin854

I'm going to be honest.  I'm struggling with some stuff in my life.  I don't hate it, but I am having to get used to working a 40-hour week for the first time in 14 months, getting used to a new place to live and a new living situation, bus schedules, responsibilities, etc.  These aren't bad things, they are just things I am having to accept and embrace as my new life.  I've been pushed to my limits physically at times and have felt overwhelmed mentally as well.  In the course of a week, I moved twice, and had to make and accept quite a few changes in my daily schedule.  I didn't realize until this move just how stressful all these things have been collectively.

I've also realized and have learned to appreciate something like I never have before.  You know, each person has their story.  Every person has their own baggage and is on their own journey through this life.  I have learned to listen to people, to try to understand them through the things that God is allowing them to experience.  It's always interesting to see the things they are learning through their individual experiences. I'm super encouraged to meet people that have great dreams, goals, victories, and yes, even some failures. Sometimes people do well through them, sometimes people are in survival mode, and some just do not do well with their challenges.  I feel like I personally have been in each one of those places many times in the past year.

 During this journey of mine, I have encountered a lot of people that have honestly treated me like I didn't have a clue what I was doing. There have been times that it has been very hurtful to me.  I try not to take it personally, but sometimes I do.  What I have realized is this.  I am confident of what I believe God has tried to encourage me with.  The fact that my returning to the states may look like a failure to you or others, but that is not the way I see it AT ALL.

Whether you agree with me or not is not important, because you probably don't have all the information I have access to, on which I make my decisions. I have a number of advisors that I talk with, and whatever decisions I make, in the end I have to take responsibility for those before God.  Now, I'm happy to discuss anything with you if you approach me personally (within reason, of course), but one thing I have learned lately is very interesting.

When I was in Germany, I didn't live in luxury, and I got by with the basics.  And I believe that most days I was legitimately grateful for what I had.  Now, I'm hoping to buy this car, God willing, and the car is really not pretty.  It's nearly 30 years old and has damage on it, rust and a door and trunk that are not the same color as the rest of the car.  And a year ago, I would have been really concerned about what others would think of me driving such a "beater"...

Now, however, I see things differently.  I would be so excited and proud to own this car.  I would show it off to my friends and family and my face would beam with excitement and pride to be able to do so.  It's not because my friends would be jealous of what I have (maybe they would be), but it is out of gratitude.

I'll tell you right now, I have been far from perfect in the things I have done with what God has given me.  But I will not let any of these sins or "learning opportunities" stop me from pursuing my dream of returning to Germany on a permanent basis someday.  God does not expect us to be perfect, he created us and he knows what we are capable of (good and bad!), but despite my faults, my heart is to continue on, even if it seems like the direction of my life seems opposite to my dreams. God expects me to admit my faults and change my mind about those things (this is confession and repentance)  Repentance simply means to a "change of mind".  Practically, this means that we see our faults or sins in a different way.

An example of this is lying.  Lying is often a way we protect ourselves from negative consequences from others, from something we have done wrong. Repentance in lying would be not to just stop lying, but seeing that our lies really might hurt someone else (spouse, friend, etc.). Seeing the pain we cause others can be a motivation to not want to do that any more.  This is how we can "change our minds" on the sin of lying.

________________________________________________

In the past year, there has been a significant amount of negativity from people regarding my life.  That's fine, it doesn't bother me too much.  All I have to do is remember what God has done for me and deal with the daily challenges of my life and I can continue to move forward.  I try to block out the negativity and remember God's promises for those that are faithful to him. I am on a journey, and so are you. My journey has not come to an end yet.  Every day my heart is broken that I can't be in Germany.  That doesn't mean that I don't like where I'm at, my situation, my job, my friends, etc., it just means that my heart will continue to desire to be there.  My heart has been there since 1985 when I moved there and I doubt that will ever change.

So since we are all on our own journey, let's encourage one another to stay the course and ask together for God's blessing to be on us and we continue through this life.  Each person is responsible for his/her life and journey.  If you have concerns, let's talk to each other openly and honestly.  I don't know what God's plan is.  I could be here in Seattle, for instance, for 10 days or 10 years, I don't know.  What I do know is that my heart would be broken to not pursue the dream that God placed on my heart nearly 3 years ago.

What is your dream?  What are you willing to do to pursue your own dream?  You don't have to fly across the world to pursue a dream, but what is your passion?  What gets your blood pumping and gets you out of bed in the morning?  Fight for your dreams and make them God's dream for you as well.

Sorry to continue to mention it, but I would encourage you to read my blog post from last night as well, but I'm really trying to be able to afford this car and would appreciate even a $5 donation to help me get a VERY reasonably priced and I believe, reliable car.  You can donate directly with the button below.  Thanks!

Update

Just wanted to update you on the donations. Thank you to the person who donated $20!  I'm very grateful for your generosity!  That's unfortunately also my grand total.  Seriously even if you could spare $5, please help.  I live very humbly, I am not going to spend this money on anything else but buying this car so I am able to spend more time with the people God has put in my life.  It's so hard to ask for help, but your $5 really will help me.  Thanks!

A Need

Over the past nine months, I have felt needy.  Not emotionally needy, but physically needy.  I have had to ask for help with being able to afford to eat,  I had to ask for a place to stay for free (for three months!) and even for a pair of shoes to replace a pair that was completely worn out.  I sacrificed a lot to fulfill what I still believe was a very clear sign from God for me to go be able to help our church in Berlin.  I do not regret having sold most of my worldly possessions (except my house and some personal items, clothing, etc.) and honestly I would do it again in an instant to have the same experience again.

In making the decision to go, I talked to a lot of spiritual men about my thoughts and they all supported me and walked me through the financial and spiritual challenges that could confront me as a result of making this kind of decision.  I took all of that into consideration and stepped out on faith. I prayed a lot and God blessed my prayers clearly and quickly and in ways that it was very obvious that it was an answer from God.  After all was said and done, it was hard to make the decision to go, despite the fact that in Spokane I was not making enough money to support myself living in my home and taking care of the other responsibilities that I had.  It had become clear to me either way that my time there was coming to an end.

In many ways, the last year of my life has been the most fun and inspiring time of my life.  The relationships I built in the churches in Berlin and Munich, but also the connections (no pun intended) I was able to make outside the church were equally impacting.  At my going-away party, I was so encouraged to hear what people had to say about what God had allowed to work in my being there. I was actually blown away, moved and deeply touched.  

In many other ways, however, the last year has also been the most challenging of my life.  There were days when I didn't know where my next meal would come from, where I was out of money, out of food and had to ask for help.  There were times when I had to wait to the very last moment to find out if my residence permit would be extended or not. Not including my move between hotels, I have moved seven times in the last year.  

One of my prayers in moving to Germany was to put myself in a place where I truly could rely on God.   I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I prayed that prayer!  Don't get me wrong, there is very little I would change about the last year of my life, but it has been incredibly difficult to be on this journey and to live in such a humble way, relying on the generosity of God and others to help me make it through with just the basics. 

I have had to ask for financial help more often than I would like.  But what God has shown me is that when you have a need, sometimes you have to just humble out and ask for help.  I hate it, and frankly I would much rather just be able to take care of my own business without help from anyone.

What I believe that God is showing me is that it's more important for my character to just be humble and ask.   If God has blessed you with a home, a warm bed, and food on your table; if he has made your life comfortable and blessed you with family and everything you could ever want, I would like to make a plea to you.  

In returning to the US, God has blessed me richly with everything I have needed, including a job, a new place to live and wonderful relationships, both new and old. The one thing that I do not have now that I am realizing is a need for me is a car.  I don't need something fancy, just something that is going to get me down the road.  I have found a car that is $600 and is in seemingly very good mechanical condition (although it isn't very pretty). It's great on gas and cheap to insure.  I am trying to borrow money, but the reality is that I am trying to get caught up on some bills and just don't have a lot of room in my budget to have a car payment, even a small one.  

Not having a car is very challenging here.  I am able to get to work just fine, but I am looking into possibly getting additional income from tutoring, which would require me to have a car.  I would also like to be able to help my mom but am unable to get to her house from here by bus.  (Obviously it's possible, but it would be expensive (relatively for me) and would take hours in buses to there and back).   Not to mention, just running to the grocery store or going to visit or encourage friends, run errands, etc. I am also trying to join a gym and the only one I can afford is about 3 miles away. (It's only $10/month!).

So I am asking, in all humility, if you have $5 or $10 or $20 to spare (or more if you are willing), seriously ANY amount will help me.  Either way, please don't give unless you really feel moved to.  I don't want anyone coming to me later and saying that I manipulated them into giving.  Please do it only if it is on your heart to....  The link to donate is below. I believe you can also give anonymously.

Anyway, thanks for hearing me out, and whether you give or not, I am sincerely grateful for your support.  Have a great week!

Job 'n Stuff

Well, I'm happy to report that I've started my job at the hotel and have been in training for the past two weeks.  I've been trained in areas of the hotel that my department has relationships with (reservations, restaurant, housekeeping, etc.) and it has been an interesting time.  I'm glad, however, that on Saturday, I was able to actually start doing my job.

It was a pretty busy day and one of the associates was out sick, so the person who was training me was filling in for them at the front desk.  As a result, I was on the phones, helping customers and coordinating assistance for the guests more or less by myself.  Actually, I think I did okay, and I really enjoyed it. I think this job is such a great fit for my skill set.  My job is a service position where guests call to a central number in the hotel to request everything from shampoo or towels for the rooms, any maintenance issues, room service, or just to ask information.

The job requires me to be in contact with pretty much every department in the hotel to have them deliver the item or service that the guest requires.  I really enjoy it because I love to be in customer service and I'm pretty organized usually and I think it will generally be a fun job.  The other thing I love about it is the people I work with.  They are super friendly and are so eager to help people.  And my co-workers seem happy.

The company also really seems to take excellent care of their employees.  You can tell by the relationships the people have with each other and the guests.  Management tries to work around any days off you request as well as try to get you 2 days off in a row (so you can hopefully have an actual "weekend").  I know it's not always going to be possible to get those requests, but they do want to try their best to make the employees happy.  That's huge for me.

The past week, however, has been a little challenging for me otherwise.  I'm getting used to a new schedule and a new place and physically I have been more tired than normal.  I have great roommates (the couple that's renting the room to me) and they have truly been so generous and loving.  But since I don't drive, I do feel a bit isolated here.  I know things are definitely going in the right direction and I'm very grateful for what I have, so I am trying to just be content.  I really have been blessed with an amazing job and an great living situation.

So I have been sort of knocking around the idea of trying to find a car.  I have been looking on craigslist for a car and most everything has been $1000 or more for basic, barely running cars.  I found an older car that I have been kind of looking at for the past few days and I assumed it had been sold, but this morning I got a call from the guy and he brought it over for me to look at and drive!!  I was amazed at the overall condition of this car.  It's 28 years old and a bit rough, but has actually been very well cared for.  It had decent power and everything worked on it, good tires and brakes, etc.  For $600!!!!

I don't have $600, and I hate asking for help, but I really do need a car just to get to the transit center (some days I have to be at work at 6am), the grocery store, to the gym (trying to start getting into shape), to church and to be able to be of more help in my ministry. If you feel so inclined, I have included a link if you would like to donate, but please don't feel obligated.  I believe if God wants me to have this car, he will make it obvious.

Thank you for checking in with me and I look forward to continuing to update on what's going on with me.  Thanks for your support and all the love you have shown me.  Have a great and productive week and make sure to love up on those that God has put into your lives.

Grrrr....

Tonight's post is going to be a bit of a rant, so I am just going to forewarn you....

First of all, I'm going to start with the good.  I'm very grateful for my new job.  I love working in downtown Seattle.  I love the job description, and the many things I will be doing.  Just imagine all the tasks that take place in a hotel that deal with customer service (except checking people in and waiting tables), I will have a hand in most of the rest of them.  I really think I will enjoy the job....

I am grateful to be all moved into my new place.  I had Sunday and Monday off and with the exception of church, I did little else than start to get my room organized.  I was so tired and sore after a week of moving, and standing while I was training last week. You can say what you want, but being my age and weight and not being used to standing 5-6 hours a day, my feet and my lower back were killing me.  It was nice to have a couple days to just chill out and get stuff done.

So, I got home from work tonight and checked my emails.  I got an email from my credit union that I had requested some information.  I was very frustrated to find out that they were unwilling to follow through with something they had led me to believe they would be willing to do to help me get caught up on some things.  I love my credit union, but I am extremely frustrated by this.

With as much as I have had to deal with lately, I just feel like this is the last straw.  I'm tired, I'm trying, I'm exhausted.  I could really use some things to really start working.  I know this is just a speed bump in the road, but I'm sick of speed bumps.  I want to start making some headway.  I want to start moving forward. I don't need more challenges, I need help and hope.  I feel like I take two step forward and a step and a half back.  I'm so frustrated about this.

I know I just need to go to bed, but I needed to get this off my chest.  I know God's in control and this is all part of the plan, but I'm physically and emotionally at my limit.  Please God, give me some hope and some direction on how to overcome this.  I'm going to bed....