Really Needing a Little Time Off

If you are reading this within a week or two of my writing this post, I have a special request of you:  Please read all the way to the bottom.  I'll keep it short, I promise....

So, I have been thinking a lot about my life, the direction I should be going, and what the next step in my journey should be.  I've thought a lot about this, and certain events have confirmed suspicions about what my options are.

I wrote a while back that I really wanted to try to get some writing done on my book and I have only been able to do a very small amount of writing since then and I'm finding it very challenging to have free time and a free mind to organize my thoughts better and to actually sit down and write.

On top of that, even though my job has been getting much better recently, I still have not really had any time off since March, more than just a couple days.  I feel pretty physically exhausted and am looking to get some time away so that I can do just that.... clear my mind and be able to relax so that I can put pen to paper (so to speak).

So, I have found a hotel room in Ocean Shores, WA where I can have some quiet.  During the first week or two of December, they offer great deals, starting at about $50/night.  I am so convinced this book will be a key in helping people to learn how to love other people (with it's foundations firmly planted in scripture), but simply don't have the ability to afford much earning $13/hour and living in Seattle.

I need to structure/restructure the thoughts and the ideas, as well as the scriptures and examples I will be using in the book.  There is a lot of overlap in topics and I need to have the time to sort through them, putting them in as logical an order as possible.  I will also be able to sit down and put together a presentation to publishers that will show them how valuable this book will be to people in their relationships with God and each other. God has put so much on my heart on this subject.  The topics are very powerful and very practical.

So, I hate to even have to ask, but I just have no other options at the moment.  Even though I live very simply, my budges is unfortunately maxed out by the bills that I do have. Please help me to fulfill this dream of mine to finally start making some very serious progress on this very important project, which is incredibly complex and time-consuming. I'm asking for my readers that are willing and able, to sponsor me for a night (or two, if possible), but any amount would be helpful and greatly appreciated.  For any donations $25 or more, I will give you a shout-out in my book as well.

So, thank you so much for reading this all the way to the end.  I hope you can truly appreciate what this project means for me, but more importantly, how it will impact so many people!  Please click the link below if you would like to give. Thank you!!!

What a Day!

Well, I have not updated two days in a row recently, but here we go.  I just wanted to share my very special day.  If not for your entertainment, then certainly to record it for my own benefit.

The day started with church and a great time of worship and time with my brothers and sisters.  Had a short but very encouraging time with the Renfrows, whom I love dearly.  Few people know my heart like these  amazing friends. Thank you both!

Then I headed to watch my Seahawks lay a serious smackdown on the New York Giants, as I hung out with my brothers and sisters and just enjoying some chill time....

Then, it was off to the Mauerparty, celebrating 25 years (today) of the fall of the Berlin Wall. I got to meet new friends, spoke a ton of German and had some great German food and watched videos, slide shows, current and past news programs, books, etc., which reminded me of things I saw in 1986 that are no longer there. Things I had completely forgotten.

I know this may not be all that exciting for you to read, but I'm beyond encouraged to have done what I did today.  I love my brothers and sisters, my Seahawks, and all things German.  That being said, there are only a few things that I could imagine that would have made my heart happier than it was today.  It was a long day, but a very encouraging time.  Thank you, God!  I hope you can enjoy the things in life that bring you this kind of joy.  I wish that for you.  May you dream big, and may God give you the desires of your heart!

Good night and have a great week!

I Want to Be In Berlin SO Bad Today!

Hi all!  Thanks for tuning in to What's Up With Tim.... tonight I'm just going to talk a little bit about Berlin because today is an extremely exciting and historic day there.

Twenty-five years ago today was absolutely one of the most important days in modern world history, where an absolutely horrific concrete monument to division, ideological and personal, began to crumble.  A monument to fear and control, upon which ONE people, of different countries, finally were able to dance and sing, cry and celebrate with family, friends and with perfect strangers!  On that day, everyone was family!  That day was over 28 years in the making, and brought about an incredible and nearly audible sigh of relief for men all over the world.

It wasn't the first domino to fall, but it WAS the most important one!  This was the crack in the iron curtain that was to be it's ultimate demise, and it was very long overdue.

I have always been so fascinated by the cold war era, from the cloak and dagger espionage of World War II Berlin, to the creation of a separated Europe, to it's ultimate reunification, this time in history was fraught with deep secrets of government so insecure that some estimate that 1/4 of the population of East Germany essentially employed by the "State Security" (Stasi) to report any suspicious activities of neighbors.

I have previously written in this blog about my first visit to East Berlin in 1986 as a 16-year old high school student and the impressions of that time that still follow me, and to some extent still haunt me.  There are things I will never forget.  The obvious sadness in people's faces, the lack of color in the city, the guards on watch on Alexanderplatz.  These images will live in my mind forever....

On November 9, 1989, I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I found out the wall had come down.  I was living in Munich and going to the University of Maryland on McGraw Kaserne.  I had gone to class that day and had come home pretty tired from the day.  It was maybe 4pm or so and I decided to go back to bed and take a long nap, which I never did. When I got up, around 6pm, I turned on the TV.  I had a US television set and could only receive the US station, AFN.  But all I remember seeing was hundreds of Germans on top of the wall that had just until that morning had separated families: one race of men.

Now, all of the sudden, they were taking pickaxes and whatever they could find to destroy that damned wall that stood for everything contrary to the indomitable human spirit.  It was finally going away!!!  The flow of humanity and excitement could no longer be stopped.  It was over!  The line of Trabants coming west was kilometer-long and the throng of celebrating humanity has never been seen before in Germany, and may never be seen again in our lifetime.

But back in my dorm room in Munich, as I sat on my bed in shock and disbelief, but with utter joy, the tears uncontrollable.  I remember not being able to even see the screen through the warm salty tears welling up in my eyes, then travelling down my cheeks to soak my shirt.  I wanted to get up and dance, I wanted to scream and yell and celebrate with anyone and everyone I saw.  Because I saw the way it had been on the other side of that horrible prison wall.

I was very blessed to have been able to live in Berlin for two months in 1992 as well.  One day, as I was riding my bike, I had only made it a few blocks from home before I stopped suddenly.  Though there was really no trace of it, I had stopped in No-Man's-Land.  For those not familiar with this term (or at least how it pertains to Berlin), basically there were two walls.  There was a wall on to the west, and one wall to the east.  First, this made it twice as difficult to escape, but the area between the walls was about 100 meters, and laden with mines, razor wire, etc.  That was no-man's land.

So, here I was standing right in the dead zone, where in the middle of the city there had been no buildings, no roads, only devices and guards with weapons to keep their citizens in. Or else.

So, I looked around me and realized that I was crossing over to the east.  This was less than 3 years after the wall had begun to come down.  It was obvious by the look of the buildings that I was entering a different place.  I paused for a moment to just take it in.  Then I got back on my bike and headed north into the center of Berlin, on the east. The area I stopped in is near Moritzplatz, and is now almost completely indiscernible from when I saw it on that day in September 1992.  To a large extent I'm glad about that.

So what can I say about all this?  I'm not sure.  I guess this is just me strolling down memory lane with you a bit.  I'm feeling so excited for my German family today, yet wishing I could be there to celebrate with you, to share your stories and sharing my small piece of my indelible experiences as well.  Germany will always have a very powerful and special place in my heart, and it's exactly this kind of thing that will always solidify my love of that people and the land, and its history.  These things can never be taken from me, because they have made me who I am today.

I guess it all comes full circle as, even now, my eyes are welling up with tears of joy and deep gratitude and as they roll down my cheeks; just as they had a quarter century ago. Those days I remember as though they had just happened yesterday.  Thank you, God, for allowing me to be able to be there.  I know I will return in your time.  I just ask that you speed the day.

So, finally tonight, I wanted to share a book that I read while I was in Berlin and HIGHLY recommend it for anyone interested in knowing more about this incredible time in history.  The book is called Tear Down This Wall by Romesh Ratnesar.  Here is a link to some more information on the book if you're interested:  http://books.simonandschuster.com/Tear-Down-This-Wall/Romesh-Ratnesar/9781416556916
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It's after midnight in Seattle, and later tonight, I am joining a group of Germans at a "Mauerparty" to talk about our experiences, have a beer and some German food.  I'm so excited to have this experience. I miss Germany with all my heart.  I'm giving my heart here in Seattle more and more, but I yearn for what I consider to be the place I really belong....  It's hard to be so far from where my heart is.  I want to let you all know there that I love you and miss you deeply, and that I can't wait for the day where I can be with you all again. Bis hoffentlich bald!!!!

With all my love, Tim

Where the Wall once stood between Spandau and Falkensee

New Direction

Good evening all!  Thanks for taking time out of your life to read up on what's going on in my life.  I'm finally getting all the chaos of my life somewhat organized in my heart and getting back on top of all the challenges.  I still feel overwhelmed by the things that are going on, and some days I feel like I'm making progress, sometimes I feel like just going back to bed.  Either way, I try to keep going, moving forward, but in some ways I feel a bit aimless, not sure where I should put my time and energy.

Obviously, my relationship with God is first, with people second, and like anyone, have work and home responsibilities... 

Well, I have said it before (if not in this blog, definitely in my conversations with others), but I really need to get back on writing my book. With all the challenges I have been facing, this is much easier said than done. But it is possible.  November is National Novel Writing Month (we really DO have a month or day for just about everything!).  Also, apparently there was a sermon at the International Singles Conference just over a month ago about "52", essentially encouraging people to consistently add a positive habit, and commit to it for 52 days.  So, with those two things, I have decided to write.

I really believe in the power of the Bible and this book I'm writing is on relationships and is based on Biblical principles.  I believe that some of the concepts really have not been dealt with and I have seen so many people do things the wrong way (myself included).  I also believe that the implementation of these concepts will not only change our own lives, it will change our churches and the world.  I know it sounds a little "pie in the sky," but I really believe it with all my heart.
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I've also been very encouraged lately about friendships that I have been building here.  They are truly helping me, and hopefully I will be able to encourage them as well. 

I have also sent an email to the company that I trained with at this time last year in Berlin to see if they have any positions opening soon.  They liked me and I liked it there as well, and we'll see if God blesses that or if he wants me to stay here longer.  I feel like I need to start moving forward in my life because I feel well and truly stuck right now.

I'm really working on my attitude, which some days is great, but other days I still struggle.  I am just praying that God will make it clear either way.

In the meantime, I have really been enjoying going out to the beach to pray, and just be quiet. With the somewhat wetter weather and colder temperatures lately, I haven't been there in a week or two, but it really has helped me feel closer with God.  Still have a lot of work to do there, but I'm grateful for whatever progress I can make.

I will continue to battle the challenges that I face, God willing, but please pray for me to be successful in my dream to finish the book, and be able to make it back to Berlin.

Thanks for catching up and am happy to answer any questions, either on here, by email or in social media.  Have a great week!

Emotional!

Good evening all! Sorry I haven't been writing much lately, but have been dealing with a lot the past few months; some good and some not so much.  Either way, it's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster.  That's not a bad thing, just the facts....

I was super encouraged on September 30th, that my good friend Jürgen from Berlin was in town for almost two weeks! I was super excited to see him and speak some German and just see how he and everyone is doing back in Berlin.  I picked him up at the airport and we did a little bit of sightseeing, including downtown Seattle, the troll and Gasworks Park.  God provided a really nice Fall day for it and it was great to hang out with him.  We ended up at a really cool little coffee shop in Greenwood, not too far from where I live. He also got to meet my car, which I named after him, I named my Toyota "Jürgen Jägerschnitzel".  He seemed to really like the car and the car didn't seem to mind him either.  LOL.  Here's a picture of them together (and I can't tell you how encouraged I was to be able to take this shot):


He also stayed the night in the guest room of the house where I am living (thanks Dave and Francis!) and unfortunately I had to be at work at 10 a.m. the next morning, so we didn't have a long time to hang out, but it was great.  I'm really grateful for him, he's also been trying to help me find opportunities to serve somehow in the ministry in Berlin, but nothing yet.  I really appreciate that because I know he believes in my ability to serve in that way. Thanks brother!

I also took him to Ikea (I was running errands on my day off and dragged him with me) and since we were both hungry, we grabbed some food at the restaurant there.  I had never had their meatballs and he had crawfish (I didn't know you could get such a thing there....).  Then we went to Wal-Mart in Renton, which I figure that Germans are generally aware of the sort of interesting people that go there, and I thought that particular store would give us a good possibility of seeing that type of thing (I used to live in Renton, so no judgment).

Actually, the most interesting thing was watching the German trying to take in the vast selection of products there.  He would spend time looking at individual products so we unfortunately spent a bit more time there than originally planned.  Then we went to the Museum of Flight but didn't have enough time to do it properly (spent too much time at Wally World) and it was too expensive as well. Then we went downtown to meet Lynda and some of her family.

On the Sunday night before he left, there was a going-away party for him, where he volunteered to be grillmaster.  I figured that since Germans were generally not as fluent in the language of grilling, I would show him how to cook the steaks more or less to order.  They turned out pretty good (or at least that's what people said.)  :)  It was hard to say "Auf Wiedersehen" to my friend again, but was so glad to have the opportunity to spend such great time with him!  Thanks for coming and for making time for me!!!
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So, a few weeks ago, I had to go back to Spokane for the first time in almost a year and a half.  This was a very hard thing for me because when I left there, I feel like I had to shake off some things that I had experienced there.  If I can be completely honest about it, I was very happy to leave last year.  Please don't misunderstand me, I have some very dear friends there that I miss terribly and keep in touch with regularly, but the last few years I was there was extremely challenging for me and I was discouraged, and found it difficult to find my place there.

As I was driving with my friends toward the city, I got very emotional.  I told the people I was riding with that I felt like I was "returning to my abuser."  I was serious, and I was nearly in tears.  I had so many wonderful memories of Spokane in the 10.5 years I was there, but I was so unhappy there. I was grateful for the dream to go to Germany, otherwise I might still be there, struggling.  I'm sorry if I offend anyone living there, but that is how I felt.  (Please keep reading).

I ultimately had gone there to do some work on my house that could have been a serious issue.  Thankfully, it was minor, and I was able to make the repairs, take a quick look at the property (it looked AMAZING!!) and was able to really enjoy the weekend with friends. The weather was beautiful and Ryan and Sara and I went out to Coeur d'Alene to just enjoy the really beautiful day.  It was really nice!  As I left, I realized that Spokane really wasn't so bad, in fact, the city and the surrounding areas are very beautiful!

(Sorry for the blue tint on the pics, wasn't aware my phone was making everything blue)
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Coming back to Seattle, I was reminded how much I love the beach.  So, lately I have been trying to go enjoy some time at the water's edge, praying.  It's been so nice to breathe in the salty, cool air, and enjoying the scenery and the wildlife.  I decided that I wanted to go to the beach at Carkeek Park, which is the closest one to my house.  I found it on Monday and actually found parking.  It was a beautiful day 74F/25C and it was incredible.  Unfortunately, I didn't get much alone time because the place was packed, but it was nice. I went back on Wednesday and even though it was overcast, I had the beach almost all to myself!  It was about 62F/17C, and there wasn't much wind, so it was very comfortable.

I had a great prayer time and even once, as I was praying, I was looking out about 30-40 feet in the water and there was a small gray seal with his head popped out of the water, looking right at me.  I was fumbling to get my phone to try to get a  picture of him, but he ducked back underwater before I could get my camera going. He popped up once more a few seconds later, but couldn't get a shot of him before he went back under.  What a great surprise!  I saw a seal one other time like this about 15 years ago when I was kayaking in the San Juan Islands, I love seeing wildlife like that!

I have decided that I really need to spend more time at the beach, whenever I can.  I really love it there.  I love sitting on a log, praying, taking in the scenery and the fresh air.  It's really amazing.  I can really feel connected to God there....

So, back to the title of this post....  Lately, I have been feeling much better.  After about two months of just struggling, feeling physically overwhelmed, and in a lot of pain after my fall in June, I had a pretty unpleasant summer.  I have been super encouraged that we have been still having nice weather since I missed a good portion of the summer this year because I was not able to do much physically.

After Jürgen's visit, I have been feeling much more encouraged and inspired to continue in my goal to try to return to Germany.  I really miss it and the people there a lot.   You may be thinking, "Tim, what are you thinking? Get over it!"  I understand why you would think that, but I am equally as committed to that dream and I will only do it when God makes it abundantly clear.  I'm not going to be irresponsible about trying to return.  I'll leave it at that for now.

A German friend of mine from Spokane sent me a link to a series of videos put out by the Berlin tourist bureau, and I got through 4 or 5 of them (short videos), and I was sobbing uncontrollably.  I have also been very emotional while listening to another song that talks about removing yourself from a stagnant situation to follow your dreams.  While the title of the song is French, it's a German song.  It's called Au Revoir  by Mark Forster.  I cry every time I hear this song.

What's your favorite thing?  What makes you happy?  What would your life be incomplete without?  For me, that's Germany and things German.  I feel like the U.S. is just a stopover, and I'm just waiting for my chance to go back.  Berlin feels like home now.  There's another song by Adel Tawil called Zuhause.  The title means "home", and the words of the song say "Home is there, where your friends are.  The love is free there."  Of course, this song makes me cry as well, because Berlin really does feel like home.  My friends are there, and the love is free from them.  Sigh.  I really miss them.

I will continue to give my heart in Seattle, but I'm also going to be honest, that Germany is where my heart is really at.  I hope that the emotion slows a bit, but if it's not, God knows my heart and he counts my tears because I love his people there.  By the way, I have officially been back from Germany longer than I was there.  I'm not sure how I feel about that, but it IS a sad thought.

Well, I think I'm going to leave it there for tonight.  I know I'm forgetting a lot of other stuff, but I'll add another post if I think of it and it's worthy of publishing here. Please pray for an opportunity to come up for me to do some ministry work, and that I can at least cover my expenses with it.  Thanks, bis zum nächsten Mal!

Looking to Move On

Good evening!  Just wanted to post a short blog tonight because I'm super excited about a job interview I have tomorrow.  It is in my field -- Insurance!  I'm so  excited for this interview I can't stand it.  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pray for me, send me good thoughts, vibes, I'll take it all!  I would love to get back into my field so I can afford to cover my costs every month.  When I saw this particular job opening, I was really excited to apply for it!

Also, my current work situation is okay, but it is a very negative and has become toxic for me.  I really need to get out of there!  This opportunity would be very interesting and is a job that I have actually done before and that I LOVED.

Anyway, thanks for checking in on me, and in advance for your prayers and good vibes!

I'll let you know how it goes!

An Exciting Look Back in History!

I am beyond excited to share with you what's on my heart tonight. I've been planning this post for the past week or more because I want to tell you a true story.  It involves a very important time in modern history, and it actually includes a very small player, an observer really, me.

Before I begin, I just want to say that I'm so humbled to have been able to experience the amazing things God has allowed me to experience in my life to make me the person I am today.  As far as I'm concerned this was one of the biggest miracles God has pulled off in the past 50 years and I got to see an important piece of it up close and very personally.  This miracle touched millions of lives all over the world, but none so much as those in Eastern Europe and in the country I love as my 2nd home, Germany.

Okay, so I won't leave you all in suspense any longer.  In Europe right now, it's October 7.  Twenty-five years ago today I know exactly what I was doing.  It was one of the most significant days of my life, and also one of the scariest, but above all, one of the most exciting.  I was living in Munich, but had taken a weekend tour through my college, the University of Maryland, Munich Campus, to Prague, Czechoslovakia.  I didn't know at the time I booked this weekend how it would impact my life for many years to come and how perfect the timing of it was.  And it still amazes me today, exactly 25 years to the day later.

The week before I left for Prague an absolutely unprecedented crack began to form in the iron curtain (for those of you unaware of this term, it described a political wall between Eastern European communist and socialist ideology and western (free) society).  I watched with great interest as, for the first time since the Berlin Wall was erected in 1961, 28 years previously, the East Germans were allowed to travel freely to another country, Czechoslovakia.  Many fled the oppressiveness of the East German government.  Suddenly, they had some freedom, and they took advantage of it!

I had watched as TV stations were reporting from behind the West German embassy in Prague, where literally hundreds and hundreds of refugees were holed up in the courtyard in tents!  I was bound and determined to make my way there to see it for myself.  So, I talked two of my fellow students into going to check it out with me.

Here is the story I wrote for my school newspaper about that experience.  I remember staying up until 3 a.m. to make sure it was absolutely perfect when I turned it in.  Oddly enough, instead of writing it as a reporter of the college (I was one of the editors of the paper), the school decided it might be better that I do an Op-Ed article (just in case the story might cause some sort of international incident.)  It didn't, thank goodness.  Here's the story I wrote:

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(From the Munich Observer, November 1989, page 2)

STUDENTS TRY TO HELP IN E. GERMAN FLIGHT

By Tim Morse, Guest Columnist

The Sun was setting as we prowled through a quickly darkening forest in West Prague. We could see Czech guards only 50 years away, watching us through the trees.

“I have to talk to those refugees, “ I thought.

That infamous eight-foot iron gate I had seen in the media eluded me by only a few meters.  But I wasn’t about to give up.

I and sophomores Amy Cashman and Tara Brown went to the West German Embassy in Prague, only to find it heavily guarded by Czechoslovakian police.  At the time of October visit, about 1,000 East Germans called the West German Embassy courtyard home.

At one point, we were able to come within a few meters of that iron gate which had meant the last major obstacle to freedom for thousands of East Germans in the preceding weeks. 

It, too, was heavily guarded. 

My dream of helping a refugee over that gate was quickly dashed as I viewed the security around it.

We still tried everything in our power to get closer to the gate.  We walked around the embassy, mostly on the wooded hill behind it, for over two hours.

We even tried sneaking through the dark, steep forest that led to the back side of the embassy, that is, until we realized we were being watched.

We then tried to talk to the guards, who were huddled around a small fire.  Not only were they unwilling to help us, but they were downright rude about it.

Because I didn’t have my passport, they refused to acknowledge me, told me very bluntly to leave, and pointed the way.

The second group of guards we met around a similar fire was surprisingly friendly.  They tried to communicate with us in German and English, and of course Czech, but they couldn’t allow us to access the gate either.

They did allow us, however, to take pictures of all of us together.  It should be quite a souvenir.

I thought we could meet the refugees on our own, but of course, couldn’t.  So, as a last resort, we went to the front door of the embassy.

I talked in German to the man who answered the door, but he responded that it would be “überhaupt nicht möglich” (not at all possible) to talk to any refugees for matters of security.

I took this news very hard, but comforted myself that I was, in fact, witnessing history in the making.

The events leading up to this exodus are historical.

For the first time in over 40 years, people in Eastern Bloc countries were, for a time, able to “escape” the oppression of their countries with relative ease.

Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev, on a trip to East Berlin to celebrate the 40^th anniversary of East Germany last month, advised now former Communist Party leader Erich Honecker to ease restrictions in his country so that Gorbachev’s policy of glasnost might gain more credibility throughout the world.

In past months, Czechoslovakia and Hungary have opened up their borders to the point that the people may come and go almost as they please, according to our tour guide, Vladimir.

This made it possible for these East Germans to come West because before, they didn’t need visas to enter Czechoslovakia.

Because of the exodus, they now do.

Media sources say that a majority of West Germans would like to see the two Germanies reunify, but this would cause numerous social and economic problems for West Germany.

West Germany would have difficulties supporting the large numbers of new residents should the East German government allow such a reunification. West Germany has an acute housing shortage among other things.  Sophomore Martina Manley, whose mother is German and who plans to settle down in Germany, is skeptical.  She believes that the refugees will take job opportunities away from the West Germans, herself included.

Whatever the outcome, I hope that the people of the Eastern Bloc, who are suffering under the oppression that can still be felt there, will one day soon be able to enjoy all the things we take for granted here in the West – especially liberty.

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Well, reading it now, stylistically it's not perfect, but not bad for a 19-year old punk kid from Yakima, WA!

Anyway, as we all know, the Berlin wall fell just one month after this.  I remember exactly where I was when I watched Germans breaking through the wall, standing and dancing on top of it.  I remember sitting on my bed, in my dorm room in Munich, and weeping that the East Germans were finally free!

You may remember that as a 16 year-old, I visited East Berlin (see my posts in this blog from April 2013) and saw how depressed and sad the people were, how little they had and most of them had no idea what it was like on the other side of that large, looming wall....

Well, that's it for tonight.  I have to be up in a few hours and I wanted to share this incredible experience I had. It's been intense remembering all of those things again after so long.  I hope you're as encouraged reading it as I am to be able to share it with you.

Make sure to give thanks for your freedom, there are still some that don't have it and never will.  We are truly lucky to have it.

Good night, and until the next time!

Guess I'm Doing the Challenge by Myself

After a couple of days, not a single person responded to my idea.  Not even one. There was no good input, nobody encouraging me or even telling me I'm crazy.  No thoughts on maybe making it a shorter term or any other suggestions, just complete and utter silence.

I'm not sure what to think of that. Frankly, I'm completely shocked no one wanted to give it a try.  It may be a week or two out, but I am going to do it!  I am a firm believer that our relationships are the most important things to God and I am going to go after them!

What Do You Think? Social Experiment in Seattle

So, I had this idea, and I wanted to get your input on it.  I'm thinking of doing a social experiment with my friends in Seattle.  Here's the premise:  One week electronics and social media fast, but with a twist.  I am thinking about avoiding social media, TV, movies, etc., but to replace those "down time" activities with quality time with other people.

If we all tried to do it at the same time, it would give us the best opportunity to hang out with each other.  We would shun social media and the internet in general, no TV or movies, but would be a week for relationships:  with your family, spouse and kids, friends, co-workers, neighbors, building your relationship with God (prayer, reading, fasting, serving), etc. Obviously, if use do internet or social media for your job, it would be a matter of just refraining from them in your free time.  Texting would be okay but limited to your plans with people, normal family business, etc.

The goal is to clear our schedules to have time for each other, to spend time getting to know people better that you already know, and to make new friends as well.  I think it would even be great for married couples to have some special time together as well, or for a mom or a dad to have special one-on-one time with their kids. One requirement, however, would be to get time with one new person that you don't know well or at all (safely). The goal would be to have at least a few of these during the week.

One other thought.... I think it's super encouraging to make dinner for others, BUT, my challenge is to use the time to get to know each other better, not be super busy making a meal.  I would suggest getting coffee or go out for a walk, go out for food, or an activity that is conducive to being focused on the relationship.

So, seriously, I would like your input, especially for my friends in Seattle....  Let me know on facebook or by email, or text me, or write a comment on this post what you think. I would like to do it in a few weeks, maybe mid-September when people should be somewhat settled back into the fall school schedules AND it would give us time to set up those appointments by scheduling it a few weeks out.  I think it would be fun, how about you?

Trials... but Finally, Peace!

I'm feeling a bit melancholy tonight, but pensive.  There is a whole lot of Berlin in my head tonight. Honestly, it might just be that I'm exhausted after working 8 days straight, but when I get like this, I love to write, just put my thoughts into words and put them on (digital) paper. :)

This has been a very significant week for me.  As you know if you read this blog, that I've struggled quite a bit in the past 7 months (I'm not going to even address that I've been back in Seattle for that long right now). I feel like God has helped me get past the majority of my challenges, but there are still several significant hurdles still to overcome.  Deep breath....

So, a week ago, I sort of hit my point where I just couldn't take any more.  I shared that previous Saturday with my purity group that I was finally starting to feel hopeful with my job.  My one colleague had just returned from nearly two months leave, they hired a supervisor, and they had just hired a new person who was to start sometime last week.  I thought to myself, "that's FOUR people in my department!"   I was very encouraged!

Unfortunately, I had no idea how short lived this would would be.

That same Saturday afternoon, just hours after I shared my hopefulness, my co-worker informed me that she quit and two days later, she would be starting her new job! She had been back for FIVE days! Of course she shared that at the beginning of my shift, and for the rest of the day, I was just emotionally numb.  I had the next two days off to process it all.  Then, when I returned to work the next Tuesday (a week ago), I was talking to my new manager, who I really like, and he confirmed that the new hire had also decided to take another job and wouldn't be coming in.

I was devastated and angry.  I asked him about the raise that we had been discussing over the past month or two and he said he just couldn't get management to budge.  Now I was pissed. I looked him straight in the eye and told him, "I will also be looking for another job."  He said he understood.

He left my office and about an hour later, I decided to go in and chat with the general manager of the hotel.  I went to her office and she wasn't there.  As I was walking back to my office, I noticed the general manager, the HR manager and my manager were all in the HR manager's office and they motioned for me to come in.  I sat down there and they finally admitted that the wage I have been earning is "on the low end" of the market.  They offered me $1.50 per hour more, but I also asked for retroactive pay, especially because I have run that department alone for over 4 months while I trained.  I told them they have clearly saved a ton of money on salaries....

They nixed the retroactive pay, but they did give me an additional 50 cents per hour.  My manager stood up for me again!!!!  This guy is great!

I still am going to be seeking a new job, however.  They told me when I got the job that I would try to give me Sundays off and once again, they have reneged on another promise.

So, I tell this story not only because I'm excited about a raise, but that I'm tired.  I'm tired of having to fight and fight and still not feel like the work I do is really appreciated.  I finally stopped getting angry, I stopped feeling frustrated, I just felt peace and determined that I just need to get out of a really toxic situation. I really love the people I work with, they've been super supportive and encouraging to me personally.  But, either way, I don't know how to underscore how important it has been for me to have peace again, it has changed my perspective and I'm getting happy again!

The stress of this job is really making me into someone that I don't like.  I don't like being angry, frustrated, sad and feeling so low all the time.  So, I'm excited to start looking for work again, and to hopefully find something back in the insurance field.  The economy is pretty good here in Seattle, so I'm hopeful that I can find something.

God has definitely allowed me to be pushed me to my limits.  That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is unpleasant.  My heart is still sold out for God, despite a lot of struggling the past few months and really struggling to pray, read my Bible, etc.  I have been having great daily prayers, especially for Berlin and my good friend Christoph there.  I got an email from him a few days back , absolutely made my day.  Man, I miss that brother so much.  There are few people in this world that know my heart better than he does.

Also, Scott Green has been here in Seattle for the past six weeks and I was hoping to get some time with him before he returned to Berlin yesterday.  I was grateful for about 10 minutes with him before church Sunday before I had to head out to work. I was encouraged even though we didn't get time to get into depth, but it was good nonetheless.  I have to be completely honest, I'm a bit envious that he's back there now....  So I continue to pray.

Something also happened on the day I got the raise, the email from Christoph and some time with another brother here.  There was a guy I went to high school with that got an extra copy of the yearbook from my senior year of high school. When I left Berlin in 1993, I had to put about 12 boxes in storage with my landlady.  Apparently sometime in the next two years, all my boxes with my photo albums, souvenirs from my travels all over Europe, and everything else, was stolen.  No yearbooks, no photos, only what I was able to bring home in two suitcases and a carry-on bag, which obviously wasn't much...

Anyway, this classmate was offering to give it away, and had a taker shortly before I saw the facebook post. The girl who had responded before me read my comment that all my yearbooks from high school had been stolen, and she very generously told the other classmate that she wanted me to have it.  After such a great day, this brought me to tears.  No, actually I wept.  Before I moved to Berlin last year, I prayed that I would be able to somehow locate some of these items that were stolen while I was there.  So even though it was not actually MY yearbook, it was THE yearbook from my senior year and I absolutely believe it was an answered prayer, thank you God!!!

Of course, I took time and looked through the whole thing the first night.  Wow, what memories it brought back.  I hadn't seen this yearbook since 1992.  What a gift!!! I'm very humbled to have a copy of it again!

As I look at my life right now, I do wonder how I got here.  Listening to "Safe and Sound" from the band Capital Cities on Spreeradio, thinking of Scott and Lynne in Berlin, getting ready to Skype with Katja tomorrow morning, my heart is definitely in Berlin right now.  I miss it so much, I can't wait for the day when I can come back to see this amazing city and to fall into its loving arms again, this time hopefully permanently!  Please let it be so, God!

I still have a lot to overcome, but I'm doing well.  I can say that confidently for the first time in months.  Please pray for me to get a job in the insurance field.  I have lots of bills to catch up on and my car needs some work, too.  Either way, I am grateful that you decided to take the time to read up on what's up with Tim.   Have a great week!

Groundhog Day

I know it's not Feb. 2nd, I'm actually referring to the movie.  You know the one, where Bill Murray re-lives the same day over and over (ad nauseum), trying everything in his power to jump start whatever he needs to, in order to end the repetition and finally move on to Feb. 3rd.

Well, I feel like I'm having a similar experience.  Not long after arriving at work today, my coworker informs me that tomorrow is her last day.  I'm happy for her, that she found a new, better-paying job, but now we're almost back to where we started before.  Ugh. I'm so exasperated by this job, I feel so done.  I don't sincerely know how much more of this I can stand.

I am grateful for the job and I actually really like it, but it's severely underpaid for it's impact on customer satisfaction at the hotel.  The reason people are leaving is because people can't live on that wage.  Unfortunately I'm also in that boat.

I guess I will have to start looking for another job as well.  With the crazy and inconsistent hours (although I do regularly work 40 hours per week), I miss a lot of things.  I'm really trying to be grateful, and most days the job is just fine, but I'm just tired.

The reason I thought of Groundhog Day was that Bill Murray's character was kind of screw-up and finally began to realize he needs to change.  Once he started to make those changes (and did things "right") that is when the day finally advanced.  I think God is having me in this situation so that I will fall to my knees more often, instead of just gritting my teeth and powering through. I clearly haven't learned my lesson yet.  At least that's what I hope the lesson is here.

I wonder if my being able to return to Germany is somehow tied to my making these changes.  I don't think anyone knows for sure, except God himself, but I sure am having to go through the same stuff, and my reaction has been the same every time these challenges come up, so I think I need to give it a shot.... Seeing as how this is my dream and I'm willing to do anything to make that dream come true, it's certainly worth that shot!

This feels like hard work.  Maybe it's not and I'm just over-thinking it.  I'll need to sleep on it.  Either way, I'm tired because it's very late and I have to be at church early in the morning.  Night all!

About the Friendships....

I'm not sure if I mentioned this in my previous posts, but when that brother was here from another church, he was surprised by how many people I knew at the conference.  He asked me why I was having such a hard time making friendships here in Seattle when I know so many people.  What occurred to me was something that was preached that very morning in the men's service.  It's not about friendships (acquaintances?), it's about brotherhood.

There was a Ted Talk by a guy named Sebastian Junger (I don't know who this is, but maybe you do) and he said that the reason that veterans miss the war is not because it's exciting, in fact, it's just the opposite. They remember the camaraderie, that they had to be like family to protect each other and they had to become like brothers.  Mr. Junger talks about one traumatized veteran in the video who tells someone that he misses just about everything about war. Mr. Junger says the guys not a psychopath, but says "I think that what he missed is brotherhood... connection to the other men he was with."  (Link to this Ted Talk at the bottom.)

Since becoming a Christian in 1993, I have felt that camaraderie, but since I just moved back, and with the intensity of my situation, I have simply not had the energy to put as much effort into relationships as I would have liked.  I don't honestly know if that's just all my fault, or if there should be any expectation for others to give a crap about me or others.  It might be both, but I don't really know...

So, something happened last night that really shows why I feel this way.  A brother came to me and very sincerely asked me how I was doing.  I am really trying not complain, nobody likes a Debbie Downer, but I was honest and just trying to be open. I said that I felt challenged by my current job and health situations and described a bit of how it's been affecting me. But at the end of about a 5 minute conversation it was very obvious that he was ready to get away.

I'm not sure how to feel about it.  Maybe it was just too much for him to deal with.  What is it with people? Why can't they deal with others challenges?  I wasn't asking him to fix it, I was just trying to be open.  This makes me really sad. This world needs help and I'm concerned that Christians can't even listen to someone who is struggling.  There is something terribly wrong here.

Last week I had a discussion with another brother who was very quick to tell me everything I was doing wrong.  Not that he was incorrect, but this is someone I consider a friend.  There was no "Hey, I'm concerned about you.  What's going on?"  It was just "You need to....".  Where is the compassion? Where is the desire to figure out what the disease is, not just deal with the symptoms? We're never going to make an impact in people's lives that way.

I felt like despite the fact that the past few months have been extremely challenging for me, I was made to feel like the bad guy.  And you know, that's just not okay.  Jesus had compassion on people because they were overwhelmed.  At the end of the conversation, we both agreed that we had areas in which we need to grow and I'm sure we'll need to have additional conversations, but this is the kind of thing that I have been dealing with.

I don't typically shy away from having those "hard talks", but lately it has been significantly more difficult for me.  But I have been noticing something in reading the Bible lately.  I was reading in Jonah and I realized that when God spoke to Jonah, he asked him a lot of questions.  Even when Jonah was just totally rebellious and even in sin, God didn't rebuke him, he just asked him questions to help him to see that God's way is better.

I think I might study this out a bit, just read more scripture (especially in the Old Testament where God speaks literally a bit more), to see if this is a pattern.  I strongly suspect it is.

So I do have some good news in the area of friendships.  In the past couple weeks, I have gotten a chance to spend time with a number of people; some that I knew from Spokane and some new friends here.  I've had some great conversations (and one poor brother that did have to hear some more negative stuff. Sorry about that, bro.)  Either way, I feel like I have found some people that I can really be encouraged to be friends with (and I will continue to pursue those other friendships as well.)

So, two weeks ago at our men's midweek service, Jay had us get into random groups and discuss 1 Thessalonians 3, and the charge was to find out what we can pray for each other about.  Now, I have to be honest, I really didn't follow through praying for the others in my group (just didn't feel like I had the ability to add another thing on right now. Sorry).  But I do know that others had been praying for me specifically for relationships in Seattle.  I definitely feel like this is an answer to all those prayers, but continued prayers in this area would be greatly appreciated!

If you would like to watch that Ted Talk, here it is.  It's about 13 minutes long, but well worth it.  At the conference, they started the video at about the 8 minute mark, and that is where the great quotes began.

http://www.ted.com/talks/sebastian_junger_why_veterans_miss_war

Here are a couple more quotes from the Ted Talk that I find especially inspirational:  "Friendship happens in society" where it really doesn't matter how you feel about other people.  "Brotherhood has nothing to do with how you feel about the other person.  It's a mutual agreement... where you put the welfare and safety of the group above your own.  In effect, you're saying 'I love these other people more than I love myself.'"

Even though we are not at war, we are fighting a battle for our own souls.  Every day, we have to decide to do the right thing or not.  Sometimes we do the right thing, but nobody ever does it perfectly every time. I  feel most days, especially recently, that I mess up more than most.  Either way, I know I need God.  He's made that abundantly clear to me in the past few months.  I need you, and you need me if we call ourselves Christians.

So let's work together to build one another up, let's give each other the benefit of the doubt and then take steps to work harder together to help each other get to heaven. Colossians 1:28-29 - We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me."

So I think that's it for today, thanks for listening to me rant.  Have a great day!

Working Through New Challenges

Man, it has been such a whirlwind lately.  So much has happened and I finally feel like things are starting to move slowly in the right direction (still?)....  Anyway, I wanted to update everyone what's going on in my life. The past month and a half has been incredibly challenging for me.  I'll try not to complain, but I have felt challenged in so many new areas of my life, it's been challenging and discouraging. Sigh.

So, here's the story.  I mentioned a while back that I fell on June 20th.  At first I was super embarrassed and tried to just "shake it off".  Unfortunately, that has not been possible.  Within a short period of time after my fall, I began to get really bad headaches.  They covered the entire top of my head and they weren't migraines, but despite that, they were very unpleasant.  I never get headaches and these were pretty debilitating.

I also started to get dizziness.  About a week after the fall, I went to the emergency room and they did everything from urine test to CT scans and everything seemed fairly normal.  One of the side effects of this injury is that I cannot do anything that is strenuous.  No lifting heavy objects, no running, no going to the gym and I am only allowed to walk short distances, starting at only 15 minutes at a time, and even that was sometimes too much as I would get very dizzy.

This has been extremely challenging for me because even though I'm not in great shape, I am still pretty active and now that I have a gym membership, I can't even use it.  When I come home from work I haven't been able do very much.  I feel like I'm a slave to this and there's nothing I can do about it.  I have gained weight over the past few months and I can't do anything to be active.  It's kind of driving me crazy.

My physical therapist told me it's not uncommon for people to get this kind of dizziness after a fall if their neck muscles tighten up, because if it's really bad, those muscles can actually cut off circulation to the brain.  After I felt like I was making progress this was just devastating for me.  I feel like I'm taking one step forward, two steps back.

I am super grateful to have insurance covering this injury, but it definitely has added more to my schedule.  Oh well, hopefully I will be past this situation soon.  Please pray for my back and neck muscles to loosen up!

Also, things at work seem to be getting better.  I'm grateful for my manager, I feel like he's really concerned about his employees and that makes such a huge difference for me.  Like I said, the wheels do seem to be moving slowly, but at least they are moving.

Yesterday, I had a massage appointment with the same physical therapy practice I've been going to, but a different person doing it.  She worked the knots out very intensely, by far the most intense since I started a few weeks back and this is good.  I've been asking to do whatever is necessary to make me feel better, get rid of these headaches and get back to normal.  Well, she did a great job and to the point that I was physically ill today as a result of all those toxins being released into my blood stream.  I'm grateful I had the day off today, it would have been tough to work today through all that.

When I woke up this morning, I was so sore from the massage yesterday, that I immediately called the physical therapist to cancel my appointment for this afternoon.  I would not have been able to make it through that....

So, I would like to ask for prayers again for my dad.  He's back in the hospital with complications from his double lung transplant from about 9 months ago.  I haven't seen him or my stepmother since they went to the airport with me April of last year when I left for Germany.  I would like to go visit them, but can't afford it nor do I have time to take off from work.  Please pray for God to make it possible for me to be able to go visit them for a few days in Arizona.

Well, that's about it for now.  I just wanted to let you know what's been going on with me.  I haven't been posting much lately simply due to my circumstances, current health issues, etc.  Thank you all for all your prayers and support.  I would love to thank each one of you personally one day.

Until then, love those around you.  Not just your family, but everyone that is a part of your life.  The world needs more people to give of themselves.  Have a good night!

Letting Go And Standing Tall

I'm just staring at this blank screen and thinking, "Where do I start?"...  Well, I guess what God has been teaching me is to let go.  Well, that's not completely true, but I think he's showing me areas of my life where I need to let go and others where I need to be more determined.  That scares me a little bit because I think I can already be kind of intense, so I have to be careful here.

I think I am the type of person that fights for the underdog, for the weak and those without a voice, for those who cannot fend as well for themselves, or stand up courageously.  I have been thinking a lot lately about a time in my life, as a 19 year old when I went skiing with my dad and my stepmother.  I think it was only my 2nd or 3rd time skiing and we went to the Matterhorn in Zermatt, Switzerland.  I remember making all the way up the tram to the top of the mountain at about 13,000 feet (if memory serves.  That was pretty much 25 years ago) and I remember I just pointed my skis down the hill and went.  I had no fear.  On the way home on the bus, they were giving out awards to the best in different areas and they announced they had one more award to give away.  I had my finger on the play button of my walkman (yes with a cassette tape in it) when they called my name.  They said I was the best newby skier, that I had no fear and that I just went out and did it.

I think in some ways I'm still like that in areas of my life.  Lately I have had to stand up for myself, but before I had kind of let things go, which ended up looking like I was letting people walk all over me.  I don't really see it that way, but one day I sort of reached this point where I said "Enough is enough!".  I didn't have a problem speaking clearly and in no uncertain terms.  I told someone what I wanted and told him that I would do whatever it took to make it happen, that I'm not afraid to include other people that were in positions that could help me achieve my desired result. I did it unapologetically and still believe it was the right thing to do.  I made it clear that I was serious.

An interesting thing has happened.  I still haven't gotten what I wanted, but that's alright for now.  I've spent a lot of time muddling my way through situations and challenging circumstances in the past few years and sometimes things just take time.  One thing I believe God has given me is a determined spirit.  There are times when God says no, and I push it until he closes all the doors.  I don't believe this is one of those times.  I think this is the time to ride that horse until the horse has worn itself out.  Right or wrong, I will know that I did everything I could to do what I believe is the right thing.

In some ways I feel like I am finally in my right mind again. Unfortunately that has come as a result of some bad choices, but like Billy Joel said "Just like a boxer in a title fight, you've got to walk in that ring all alone.  You're not the only one whose made mistakes, but they're the only things that you can truly call your own." I have the ability to choose to stay down, or get back up and try to start moving forward again, having to ask God and others for forgiveness, forgive myself and keep going.

I console myself with the fact that I know I've done what's right. Now the challenge is to stay the course and build deep friendships that will help me through those tough times.  These last six months (yes, it's been SIX months since I've returned from Germany) I have had a TON of challenges.  I have struggled terribly with seemingly everything, scrapping for every dollar, every inch of progress I've made.  I still am.  When I look back in 10 years, I hope to see that this time in my life produced something extraordinary in my spirit, in my character and in my heart for God.  All of this has not escaped God, he knows I'm going through it and he still believes I can succeed.  I've still been relying too heavily on myself and now is time for me to get on my knees like I have never done before.  I can't let this just be words, it must become my life.

So that's it for now.  Thing ARE getting better, albeit slowly....  But progress is progress.  Anyways, thank you for listening tonight.  I wish everyone a safe and fun weekend.  Love those around you that need a friend. Be an ear, be a shoulder, but be there for others that are hurting.  This world has too many broken hearts that need mending. Be there for someone.

Okay, let's try this again....

I already had a post mostly written but I deleted it.  It was all over the place and frankly fairly negative.  I'll say that it's been a good week, but it's been long. 28 hours this week so far and another 20 to go. Pray for me, I need it!

So I'm going to try to just share positive things that are happening.  First of all, I'm very excited for the Northwest conference next week.  I'm so excited to see so many friends that I haven't seen in well over a year (or more) from all over the northwest.  I am house-sitting/dog-sitting that weekend for some friends from the church here and I found out that a very close brother is going to be in town for the conference that weekend and is going to be able to stay there with me for the weekend.  That will be so good for my heart to have someone there that knows me very well and is a mature and strong brother.  I can't wait for that!

I find it so hard to build relationships in this church.  This is the first time I've really struggled with this, I don't know what to do about it.  Seattle is a wonderful place, but there is such a focus on the richness of life, but with that can come a blind spot that there are real needs all around.  I don't for a minute believe that EVERYONE acts like this, but it is nonetheless true.  This is not meant to offended anyone, but it is meant to encourage you to look around to see who could use encouragement: an ear, a specific need met, for you to be a friend.

What ever God has given you in abundance, you should spread around. There are so many needs.  People are lonely, hurting and poor in spirit, health and every other way.  This world needs you to look for needs, to show Christ through our lives, to meet needs and not just see people as "undesirable" or worse, as a burden, lazy, or sinful.  We all have strengths and weaknesses, we all have successes and failures, but every person has a heart, and needs someone to believe in them, trust them and fight for them.

This is my plea to YOU tonight. GO!!! Find someone to love.  Do it, and you'll never be the same.  LOVE!!! You'll never regret it!  FIGHT! You'll be victorious no matter what the outcome! You can never lose when you love someone with all your heart!

Happy 4th of July everyone!  Have a safe time, and make sure to love someone new this week!

Climbing Out of the Pit

Well I felt much better yesterday after my really bad day on Tuesday.  My job is just killing me at the moment and I simply could not stand it any longer.  My job is so stressful and busy and it has just sucked the life and joy out of me. Yesterday went much better, but today I nearly quit.  I'm so grateful for my manager.  We had a very open and honest conversation and he gave me hope that they are, in fact, hiring.  He said he hopes to have 5 people in my unit hopefully within the next month or so.  He also said that he sees that I am very competent in my duties.  I still have room for improvement, but am at least competent and he sees that I am trying very hard.

As I was leaving tonight, I ran into one of the other managers, and he asked me how I was doing.  I told him that I'm just trying to make it.  He told me that he doesn't know how I do it.  Finally, someone sees the amount of work I do, and a little confirmation that it really is too much for one person to handle all byhimself. When he said that I was already pretty raw from my conversation with my manager and I nearly broke down in tears as I got in the elevator.

Another day tomorrow and I just need to continue to push through. One day at a time, one minute at a time. This is extremely challenging for me, I don't know how I'm going  to make this another few weeks by myself.  I'm still not even fully trained in my job, but almost.  Please, please, please pray for me to make it.  I'm noticing how I'm struggling with being constantly frustrated and unhappy.  This needs to change soon, for my own sanity.

Finally tonight, I would like to thank everyone for their kind comments and love, they really made a difference for me to feel understood and loved by you.  Unfortunately there was one person that responded in a negative way and it was with that specific person in mind that I asked for people not to try to fix me. I meant it, and now I have to deal with the fact that one person refuses to respect my boundaries. Just what I need on top of all my other challenges right now....   Ugh.

I'll make it through this time, but I would really appreciate your prayers and good thoughts.  I need all the help I can get right now.  Thanks for all your support!

Sincerely

I sincerely hate my life right now.  Hate it.  I know I'm supposed to be joyful and grateful and all that crap, but I'm not.  I don't want to be either.  If you're reading this and you want to "fix" me, don't.  Over time I have pushed through hard times and have overcome a lot, but I'm tired.  I'm tired of pushing through hard times.  I'm tired of hard times.  I'm tired of having to expend 110% just to do the most simple things.  I'm discouraged, lonely, and extremely frustrated. I hate working in a job that is making me feel depleted every day.  I have no control over anything in my life and I'm tired of being at the mercy of every wind and opinion of people that neither know my heart or my situation and that cannot relate.

Whether I'm right or wrong I don't particularly care at this point.  I have lived a very challenging existence for the last few years.  I know very few people that could go through what I have and still have a smile on their face.  What I do want is some compassion, some acknowledgment that I've had to fight through so much.  I don't need to know how great God is, I already know.  I don't want you to shove scriptures down my throat to fix me.  I want someone to listen, someone to take an interest in a fellow brother/human being.

For those of you who know me really well, something happened to me today that I don't recall ever happening to me.  If it has, it is extremely rare.  I didn't want to talk to anyone, see anyone, or be around anyone.  I'm as outgoing as they come (okay, there are probably others that are actually more outgoing, but either way, I am pretty outgoing), but I don't want to be around anyone right now. I don't want to get on the phone, and I don't want to chat with anyone.  I'm sure tomorrow I will be better, but for now, I'm just at the end of my patience.  I'm not sure that I will actually post this to my blog, but you'll know if I do, and you won't if I don't.

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So that this post is not all doom and gloom, I wanted to share with you a few of the good things that have been going on with me lately.  Most recently, this weekend I was able to get away for about a day to a good friend's house in Port Orchard, which is about 70 miles away.  Just the night before I finished the last piece of a tune-up on the car that has taken me about a month and a half to complete.  It sure runs better now!  It still needs new CV axles (they clatter pretty good going around corners when I start driving in the morning!) and I should do an oil change and a radiator flush.  Those will come in time....  For now, the car is getting the 35mph it should be getting, instead of 22 before the tune-up.  That will save me some serious money on gas!  It did great on the drive and got me there and back quickly and safely.

I talked to my dad on Sunday for Father's Day, and I was very encouraged to find out today that his monthly checkup showed that he is making very good progress on his infection, but the doctors would like for him to stay in Arizona for at least another month to make sure he can maintain his good health before they are willing to send him back to Washington State.  Unfortunately, this time of year can get extremely hot there and they are not enjoying having to be indoors all the time.  Thanks for all your prayers for him.

Well that's all I can do for now.  I need to chill and go to bed early here in a while. Maybe it's one of those nights to sit and watch some old great music videos from the 80's...

A Stunning Realization....

Good evening everyone, thanks for checking in on me.  I'm going to warn you that tonight's post is going to be very raw, very real and there will be some very personal things I will be sharing about.

Lately I have been exhausted.  Not just tired, not just discouraged, but completely wrung out, worn out, drained, beat, sapped.... out of gas.  I haven't been able to figure out why I have been so tired all the time.  I was trying to take vitamins and do other things I knew would help, but they were having very little effect on my overall energy level.  On top of that, I couldn't sleep very long and when I did, I experienced significant back and neck pain.  I normally sleep very deep and between 6 and 7 hours every night.  Even on the days I would get that much sleep, I still felt wrung out and in serious pain.

I couldn't understand what was going on with me and it was causing me even more anxiety and stress and it just kept spiraling down, getting worse and worse and worse.  I was so discouraged and weak that I was having a hard time functioning.  The last few weeks have been a very low time for me.  I didn't want to do the things that I really loved, I didn't want to do what was right, I began to rebel, and began to be apathetic.  Things became even more overwhelming for me.  Even answering the phone was too hard, or just responding to a text message.

I was starting to get concerned about where this was heading.  When I get like this (which is never, or at least never this bad) I have tendencies....  I will eat more, and more poorly.  I will get lazy and want to indulge myself in eating and other things, not wanting to go anywhere or do anything, not meet with people, not go to bible talk or even get fellowship.  People that know me have probably never seen me act this way.  I can't imagine what people must have been thinking that don't know me very well.

So, for those of you that have seen me during this time, I hope this post will explain why I have been acting the way I have....

So one of the things that most people know about me is that I'm obese.  Clinically, I'm morbidly obese, well over 100 lbs over my ideal weight.  As such, for the last 6.5 years I have needed a CPAP machine to help me breathe at night because I have sleep apnea.  Since I got the machine in November 2007, it has helped me to breathe while I sleep.  When I sleep without the machine, my blood oxygen levels go dangerously low and I can't get any regenerative sleep (ie: I never would go into REM sleep, which is the type of sleep that helps your body to repair itself, it's also when you dream)  This is also the time in your sleep that you have "rapid eye movement" or REM.  This is where you actually rest in your sleep.

Sleep apnea happens when your muscles relax during your REM cycles, which happen about every 1.5 hours.  So even though you are unconscious, your body benefits very little from it.  And you snore VERY loudly. Between gasping for air because when your muscles relax, the weight of fat on your neck crushes your windpipe (throat) causing you to stop breathing.  This can happen hundreds of times per hour all night long. It is very dangerous and people have died from this condition.

Since I have had this machine in 6.5 years, I have replaced my mask, filters, etc, but had not yet replaced the hose from the machine to the mask.  Sometime in the past few months, it had developed a small hole about the size of a peppercorn, maybe 2-3 millimeters in diameter.  I bought a new hose last year before I moved to Germany, but didn't think I actually needed it yet.

As I was going to bed two nights ago, the hose was making a weird sort of squeaking noise and then I felt there was a small blast of air coming out of it.  I had already laid down, and I was really tired.  But I decided to get up and look for the new hose I had bought.  I finally found it and replaced it.  I'm so very glad that I did.  The past two nights of sleep have been heavenly!  I'm sleeping at least 7 hours a night now, waking up not nearly as groggy (even though I think I still have a lot of sleep to catch up on) and my back and body is not as sore as it was previously in the mornings.

But the thing I notice the most is that my mind is clear.  For months I have been feeling confused and nothing seems to make sense, on top of the exhaustion.  I still have a little way to go, but I feel so much better, it's incredible.  Not everything seems so burdensome, things don't feel so hopeless and discouraging. In fact things feel great now and encouraging and I feel like I'm getting my groove back!

I don't know how long this has been an issue, but I'm guessing at least since I returned from Germany in January.

The frustrating thing for me is that I'm trying so hard to make changes in my life.  When I'm that tired, it's very difficult to deal with a lot of new things.  That's one reason why I have been struggling so much.

So here's where it gets personal.  I know myself pretty well.  I know that when I'm tired, I tend to give in to eating, laziness, being sedentary, and just generally give in to any struggle that comes my way.  Just like any man, I have purity struggles, struggles with laziness, struggles with wanting to retain control of my life (even though God has been helping me a lot with that one in the past year or two.)  When I act out in this way, I am essentially telling God, "I want to do it my way right now."   Then I do what I want to do....

In Germany, this was especially difficult for me because as much as I loved it there and that God put so many amazing people, places and experiences in my life, when I was lonely, tired, or having a pity party, or just feeling stressed by not having a job and money, visa issues, dealing with the German authorities, unsuccessful job interviews, etc., I would struggle with these things a lot.  At times I felt especially rebellious, would harden my heart and indulge myself in all kinds of unhealthy activities.

I am saying this because I am human.  I love God with all my heart, but the last years of my life have been extremely challenging.  I'm grateful that God has put things in place that have helped me to stay faithful to him, including a group of disciples that I have met with regularly over the past 11 months, without which, I might not still be faithful.  I have had to humble myself and be real with them, and they have accepted me, loved me, prayed with me, encouraged me, and walked with me through everything that I have had to deal with.  Part of the success I have experienced has been simply humbling out and confessing things that are hard to talk to other human beings about.  But I know the only way I am going to continue to be successful is to continue to be open with them and others.

I am also deeply indebted to one of the best friends I have ever had, Christoph, that still believes in me despite who I can be sometimes.  I'm so grateful to you and my heart hurts that I can't be in Berlin to spend time with you at the TU, to pray with you or just go for a coffee. Du fehlst mir sehr, mein Bruder und mein Freund!

God gave me a very special gift this past weekend.  I feel like it was a personal greeting card from Scott Green and the Berliner Gemeinde Christi (Berlin Church of Christ). There was a video about our missions contribution this coming Sunday.  It was a slideshow of  the pictures of so many of my good friends in Berlin.  I sat in church with a huge smile on my face, excitement in my heart, but not being able to hold back tears as I watched the faces of so many people I love so dearly there go across the screen. I have sehnsucht to be there in Berlin with you, to laugh with you, to worship with you and to enjoy time doing all the crazy things we used to do.  My heart is broken to be so far away from all of you. I hope you all know how much I love you and miss you.  Basti, Helger, Christoph und Dascha, usw..... My heart lit up to see your faces again, even if it was just for a brief moment.

I think I finally am ready to admit that I think I had to return to the US to experience what I have, to remain faithful.  Maybe staying in Berlin was just not healthy for me right now.  I needed a wake-up call, something to get my attention.  Something to make me appreciate when I do actually return, not to make the same mistakes a second time.  For the first time in a while, my thoughts are clear and my direction is more obvious than ever.  I believe with all my heart that I will make it back to Germany, hopefully sooner than later, but I know I will be back there.

I have said before that I have given most everything I have for this dream of being able to help love the German people and to help them get closer to God.  That's true.  What I'm learning, is that I have not given up what I am, who I am, the things that I go to when life gets hard.  God wants my whole heart, and I'm beginning to learn what that means.

I have grown so much through this process, I have made so many mistakes, I have hurt people that have believed in me.  I have hurt myself with my sins (haven't we all?), but most of all, I hate that I have chosen things to medicate myself from the pain I have had to deal with instead of having God take those things from me and heal my heart and give me that peace.  Instead of just getting on my knees before God, I have just gutted it out, gritted my teeth until it passed, not having grown or learned from it.  It's no wonder I am where I am now (spiritually, not necessarily physically).

I was reminded of the story in Matthew 14, when Jesus was walking across the lake and the disciples in the boat saw him.  Peter asked Jesus if it was him, to tell him to come out to him, also walking on the water.  He did it, for a few steps.  Then he doubted because of all the wind and waves and he began to sink.  I console myself with the fact that I did actually step out of the boat.  TOTALLY in faith, but began to sink because of how intense the situation had become.

I guess in the past couple days I have been thinking a lot about this.  I remember seeing a meme on facebook where the diamond miner gives up just short of finding his treasure, a cache of diamonds, that he was literally inches from.  I thought I was still trying to get there, but I had stopped because I didn't fall down before God to ask for his help.  I tried to do it through my own power. (See below for copy of the image described.)

I'm very humbled by this.  I don't believe this is the end of my dream or this journey.  Not by a long shot...  But what I do believe is that I need to renew my love and commitment to God like I never have before.  I want to spend more time in prayer, not necessarily because I want God to reward me with going back to Germany, but because God himself says "I am your shield, your very great reward."  in Genesis 15:1.

So, I feel blessed, yet challenged.... I feel encouraged and yet I feel like I've failed in so many ways.  I heard something tonight on the show "Extreme Weightloss".  Only one of the two contestants made it to the end.  The trainer was standing with her, talking about how much she has had to overcome in the year she has been doing this challenge.  He said something to the effect that, "you fall 7 times and have to get up 8.  That's what happens with transformation."  I immediately started to cry, because it's so true and it's so applicable to my life right now.

If you remember, I started this blog over four years ago because it had become obvious to me that I needed to reinvent (transform) myself.  I think this has just come full circle....

I have much more to report, but I think this is enough for tonight.  I will fill you in on details of other events in my life shortly, but I really needed to get this off my heart, to share it with all of you, because this is the best way for me to not only share my life, but to get people that will hold me accountable and will help me get to the finish line.  I am grateful for all of you. Thank you, I love you all.  My heart is full tonight, and it's because of God and you.



(Image from David McElroy, with the caption, "Never give up, you might be closer to reaching your goal than you think.)

Wheels and Stuff

I have to be honest, the last couple of weeks have been a challenge.  There have been some high highs, and some pretty deep lows as well, but I'm trying to take it all in stride.  Unfortunately, some days are better than others. So let's start with the "bad", or actually, let's just refer to them as "the challenges."

I'm very grateful for my job.  It is a really good fit for my skills.  It's heavy on customer service, and it makes use of my ability to organize and get things done.  My department is kind of the heartbeat of the hotel.  We organize and dispatch service providers to assist the hotel guests in most areas of the hotel.  For instance, we are responsible for answering the phones of the hotel and following up on requests, we dispatch our engineering department to any request for repairs to pipes, electrical and other mechanical issues; we work with housekeeping, take room service orders for the restaurant, handle billing issues, organize and log lost & found items and handle shipping and receiving (among other tasks).  I really enjoy the work.

The problem started when one of the girls had gotten another job and left and the other person working in the  department was either let go or quit (not sure which).  Either way, all of the sudden, after less than 3 weeks, I had suddenly become the only person in my department and I wasn't even fully trained yet.

My bosses are amazing, they have totally supported and encouraged me, more than I could have ever asked. They have acknowledged my situation and have done much to help me get up to speed in many areas.  But it has been extremely stressful for me and I still have lots to learn. For the past two weeks I have been totally alone in my office, often having question with little outside help and seemingly critical comments about actual and perceived mistakes I am making.  There is SO much to learn in this job, so many areas of the hotel I have to have knowledge of (including knowing most employees in the hotel), and technical issues and limitations, as well as moving (separately) our office to another location and our shipping/receiving location to another floor (it used to all be in the same office).

There have been significant challenges to overcome (acknowledged by my managers) with VERY little supervision.  There have been times where I just get discouraged because I just don't understand how I can complete this overwhelming amount work, designed for 4-5 employees, by myself in eight hours per day with little help and training.  I am making progress, but it feels painfully slow.  Progress is progress, I guess.

So I think it's appropriate to brag on my managers here.  I have had to have a few uncomfortable and challenging conversations with them, and every time, they have tried to understand and help me however they can.  One manager in particular has told me numerous how excited he is to have me on board.  He wants me to kind of rebuild the department.  In my original interview, I told him that I am writing a book on how to treat people.  Hopefully he has seen that in practice in my calls.... Kind of a high bar I set from the very first time we met at my interview!!! Oy....  LOL  Oh well....

So it's going pretty good now, still feel challenged, but at least we have another person starting next week to help me get some stuff done!  That makes me happy, and supposedly they are trying to hire a couple more. Boy, that would be nice!!!  I have also been making some suggestions on how to streamline everything and make improvements in workflow, etc. Some they have accepted and embraced.  :)

One other thing that hit me like a ton of bricks last week.... I got a message from my renter in Spokane that he had a problem with the electrical in the house.  He didn't have any lights or power in either bedroom, the bathroom, or the hallway.  I was hoping it was just a bad breaker and I was praying for that to be all it was.  Unfortunately, there was a problem with one of my outlets in the back bedroom.... and it cost me over $450 to fix, which absolutely decimated my budget.  I'm not sure how I'm going to pay my mortgage this month (Which is less than the amount it cost to have the electrical problem fixed.) Uuuuughhhh.....


So now, to the good stuff...  A few weeks ago, I was kind of looking to see if there were any cars I could "afford".... Any free cars out there???  LOL  Seriously, the last couple years I have been more interested in older Toyota Corollas, so I was looking on craigslist locally (and even in Portland and Spokane!) and the cheapest cars that ran, generally started at $1000 and went up from there.  Kind of discouraging, I didn't know how I was going to be able to afford a car, but I figured if God wanted me to have a car, he would make it obvious.

One day, I was browsing and saw an ad that just said "cheap transporttation" (yes, it was misspelled).  I looked at it and immediately loved it...  It was a 1986 Corolla.   It was ugly as sin, but it ran... and it was only $600!  I didn't have any money at the time, but I thought I might be able to come up with that much. I sent him an email and he called me after a few days.  He offered to drive it over so I could test drive it, so I took it for a spin and I was amazed.  Despite it's looks, it ran really nicely!

The car was originally owned by nuns.  Seriously....  They apparently only drove them 50k miles and then they sell them.  So one of the sister's sisters bought the car from them and has owned it ever since.  Her husband (the guy I bought it from) says she drove it like a grandma!  LOL  So, it's pretty obvious that mechanically I think the car is in pretty good condition.  It needs a tune-up and filters and such, but for the little bit that I drive it, it should work great.  These cars are notoriously reliable and it only has about 180,000 miles on it (290k km).

But that is all great, but here's the amazing thing.  The first day I heard from the owner of the car, he said that his email inbox was inundated with interested parties in the car.  Everyone wanted to trade housework for the car, or make payments or whatever.  I told him I had no money, but that I was VERY interested in the car.  So every few days I would call and he kept saying he still had the car!  I absolutely couldn't believe that this car did not sell the first day it was up.  It was half the price of all other running cars, and it still had working air conditioning and a decent-sounding AM/FM stereo!  There's just no reason this car was for sale for 3 1/2 weeks!

When I got my second paycheck (and with a little help from some generous donations from followers of this blog) I was able to buy the car.  I originally told him my situation, that I had just moved back from Germany, trying to get settled again, etc.  I told him a few days before my payday that I would likely only be able to come up with $500.  He talked it over with his wife and they agreed to accept that price!  This car was already totally under-priced! I am so grateful that God held the car for me! It really runs so nicely!  Thank you, God!

Also, last weekend I was so happy to have a chance to get out of town for a couple nights to the Semiahmoo Resort and Spa in Blaine, WA for a single's retreat.  This hotel is only about 3/4 mile (just over 1 km) from the Canadian border.  It was so nice to get some time away (3 1/2 whole glorious days!) and see some people that I haven't seen in a long time.  It was badly needed!

Saturday night, some of the women from our sister church in Vancouver, BC invited us to their condo in Birch Bay for dinner.  Not just any dinner, but BBQ!!!  There was a ton of amazing food and got to catch up with an Austrian sister (yes, we did speak some German!) that I haven't seen in a few years and make new friendships as well...  It was super encouraging!!   Definitely exactly what I needed.

On the way home, we stopped in Bellingham to grab some lunch with a BUNCH of other disciples.  There were so many of us, that we ended up having to split up and go to different places, but it was fun! We went to a Mexican restaurant...

Well, I think that's enough for tonight.  Thanks for letting me get so much off my heart.  Hope you all are doing well and I look forward to updating again soon.