So I have been feeling a lot of things recently. First of all, I just was not ready for a new year a few weeks back. I'm still not exactly sure what to do with it, but I guess it's here now. My birthday came and went, and had some good time with the Wu's after church. They took me to lunch in the International District and then we went out for Boba Tea! I love Boba Tea and I was super encouraged to find out the place we went had a sit-down Pac-Man arcade game. I challenged David to a game and he did pretty well for a young buck! I still beat him, but he might have let me win. Hahahahahaha! No way, I beat him fair and square! We still had a lot of fun!
For dinner, my awesome roommates, the Vanderyachts cooked me some extremely delicious pork adobo. Mouth-watering! Also, I was very excited that Amy got me some cup holders for my car. Since my Toyota turns 29 years old this year, it didn't come with any, so I was very excited Amy remembered that I didn't have any cup holders in the car and found some for me! Now I just have to figure out where to put them! LOL
So here's where it starts to get real. I didn't realize how much the one-year anniversary of leaving Germany was going to affect me. Among some other very challenging situations in my life, I just kind of emotionally shut down for a few days. I'm not sure if I really dealt with everything completely that was going through my heart, but I definitely have made some headway in some very important areas.
One of the areas I have been struggling in is relationships. Now, since I'm writing a book on the subject, my level of conviction in this area may be higher than others (and I'm not saying that to put anyone else down, just sort of as a matter-of-fact, in my mind at least) and maybe my expectations are also higher, but I feel like especially the past few months I have been giving a lot to other relationships with not much to show from it. I know I could do better in keeping up with people, but frankly I have just been hurting lately and it's been harder for me to do that than usual. Either way, whether true or not, I feel like my phone rarely rings and few text messages, etc. I have really been trying to reach out to others, but not seeing much in the way of reciprocation.
Well, in the past week or two, I have made some progress in this area. Our bible talk leader moved to another city and since we stopped having BT in December, I have been feeling lost during the week without some of the interaction and especially as a result of my last blog entry, I decided that I would try to get our old D-Group together again to continue our accountability with each other and reinforce those relationships. We got together and we had a great time! We were able to be open and we are planning to continue the relationships even after the new groups get started so we can have some consistency. Since I have had to start over so many times in the past two years, I really needed something consistent. With the new groups we will have new relationships, which I am very excited about as well, but really need to NOT start all over again in all areas. I just can't handle it right now....
In all honesty, I'm feeling kind of low tonight. There's one main theme to it, with multiple parts. So, they have cut back my hours at work and it looks like next week it will be about 32 hours. I think this is still pretty do-able, but I certainly will not be able to have a lot of extra-curricular activities. Some of the bros went out for a movie tonight and I just couldn't afford to go and I'm definitely not loving that. The good news is that I got all my bills paid this paycheck, but only have $25 for the next 13 days. I still need to buy a few things and have not paid any tithe yet. I just hate being so broke all the time!
On the subject of good news, I have also gotten another student to teach German to. He wants to meet multiple times per week and wants to do 1.5 hour slots! So, the good news with the reduced hours at work is being able (and having the opportunity) to tutor! I'm very grateful for this. Even though it won't likely make up the full amount lost at my job, it will definitely help, and the work is more fun and time goes by more quickly!
Last month I had unexpected expenses of about $250 come up, which has taken me over a month to make up. Hopefully my next paycheck I'll finally be able to have some extra money then to go do something fun with. I'm not saying these things because I'm ungrateful or even unhappy, I'm grateful for what I have. I just want to start moving forward in this area and I feel there are just a ton of hurdles to overcome. Please pray for me to have a good attitude and to truly be grateful.
I also realized something tonight that kind of shook me to the core. The past three to four years of my life have been a very powerful exercise and test of my faith. Before leaving Spokane, I sacrificed a tremendous amount to be able to move to Germany to help out the church in Berlin. I believe God blessed that in incredible ways.
But I was thinking tonight about the story in Matthew 14, where Jesus meets his disciples by walking on the water out to the boat in the middle of the lake during the night. When he approached the boat, thee disciples were afraid, thinking he was a ghost. Peter said, "Lord, if it's you, tell me to come to you on the water." He told Peter to come. In verse 29, the Bible says that "Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!' Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. 'You of little faith, why did you doubt?'"
I'm very challenged by this for a number of reasons, but I have to be honest, there have been too many times where I have trusted God and then sort of "took a break" from believing. I took back control of areas of my life that I had surrendered to God and pursued doing things my way. I didn't want to hear the truth, I didn't want to do what was right. I wanted to do it my way and nobody was going to convince me otherwise. Tonight it occurred to me that it's all a faith issue. In Hebrews 11:6, it says "without faith, it is impossible to please God."
I have really tried hard to be faithful in every area, but there are times when I have just become weary and have decided on my own way. Every time I have done this, it only makes me feel defeated, because it essentially nullifies the faithful acts I *have* done. I feel very deeply moved and convicted by this. Sometimes I feel imprisoned by these things, but at the same time, I'm actually grateful for these challenges because even despite moments of sheer frustration and no apparent control over circumstances, I know the challenges are making me a better person. I try not to take this lightly, but I am human, and I do struggle.
I guess what I'm saying is that I have messed up. I've done so numerous times and with varying degrees of severity. But I know God isn't done with me yet. I may have days where I feel overwhelmed and that God is far away, but I know he is, in fact, near. These are all those "light and momentary troubles" that are "achieving for [me] an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." I take tremendous comfort in that, because I know my heart for God and what he's given me. I have hope that sometimes is overshadowed by the craziness of the things that I experience on this earth.
I can't tell you how much better I feel after writing all of this. I've been struggling lately what to pray for, but sometimes I just need to sit and write so that I can clear my head. I still have a long way to go. There's so much to do, and there are still a lot of forces that I feel are opposing me, but I'm grateful for all of you who read this and respond. I'm so grateful that after my last post on here, the next morning (probably 9-11a.m. sometime), I hit 10,000 views on this blog. I can't express how much that means so much to me, thank you for your support and love!
Please continue to pray for me to fight through the physical pain, relational issues and other challenges so that I can not only move forward with what is currently on my plate, but also to be able to have time to write on my book. It looks like this week I should have time, but I just need to the clarity of mind and heart to do so effectively...
Thanks again for your support and love and if you are reading this from Germany, please know how much I miss you and love all of you and hope I am reunited with you soon. So often my heart is sick to be so far away from you, but I know I will be back someday soon. Have a good night and
GO SEAHAWKS!!!!
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| Incredible sunset from Carkeek Park Beach, Jan. 14, 2015 |
