Freedom FINALLY!!

It's 8:07 a.m. on May 29, 2021. I just woke up and the thought immediately crossed my mind that the day is FINALLY here!  

After 442 days of lock downs, quarantining, social distancing, face masks, gallons (okay maybe not gallons, but a LOT) of hand sanitizer, I'm now free!! 

On  May 15th, I got my 2nd Moderna vaccine and today marks 14 days since that momentous occasion and I'm beyond thrilled to start, in earnest, getting back to life before a pandemic turned the world's apple cart upside down.

I would have never guessed on March 13, 2020 when lock downs began that it would be 14 1/2 months of quarantine.  I'm glad I didn't know that fact back then, I think my mental health would have declined much sooner! And I must say, watching the news every night where 1000, 2000, 3000, 4000+ people were dying every single day in the United States was a heavy burden to carry. 

As of today, my day of freedom, I want to acknowledge the more than 593,000 people in the US that have died due to this virus.  We could have done much better than that, but some people made virology politics. It's sickening, it's sad, and it was unnecessary. I'll step off my soap box now. But I do want to remember the incredible toll this has caused in human terms.

Now I'd like to define freedom in this context for what my life will look like moving forward. It DOESN'T mean that I go anywhere and everywhere without a mask.  But it DOES  mean that I can see family, go to restaurants, and enjoy fun times with friends: dinners, game nights, hanging out in coffee shops, doing touristy stuff around town, traveling, etc!!

The last year has been excruciatingly difficult.  I constantly denied my impulses to go out and to keep myself and others safe by staying home.  But that comes with a high price for someone who is an extravert, lives alone, works from home, and even church became a virtual experience, the solitude became too much to handle at times.  

As a person that works in Customer Service, it has become more and more apparent that people are struggling.  In my interactions with people, poor communication skills that were once an occasional annoyance are now a common feature in calls.  

For example, too many people before the pandemic had the really bad habit of interrupting me as I was trying to answer their questions.  It didn't happen a lot, but now it happens on a much larger number of calls.  It doesn't sound like a big thing, but when you're trying to communicate really important things that will definitely effect them, many times I have to come back and highlight these issues so they don't do something that could cost them in the end.

But back to my original point.  Right now, and for all of these reasons, I'm exceedingly grateful to God that he is starting to deliver us from some of this craziness we've had to endure.  Currently (as I mentioned to my manager at work yesterday) I feel pretty "crispy".  Haha. Yeah, I'm a little burned out.

So I'm taking some time off!  Today is day one of NINE days off, and more days off next week as well.  I'll be visiting my buds in Spokane, one who turns 50 on Monday and where we will be planning to enjoy a little BBQ action for him and his daughter who both celebrate on the same day. I love that guy, he's becoming a bit of a celebrity there, and we were friends before he became locally famous. 😊

Now starts a true era of healing for me, and for us as humans.  Many of us are struggling, lonely, cooped up with family members for over a year, learning how to be social again, and some not desiring that social life any longer (not me, by the way).  Let's try to be very understanding and deliberate in how we interact.  We need to give each other a lot of grace as we re-learn how to be citizens, friends, and even family members to people we have not seen in a long time.

I plan to be very deliberate on how I control my feelings. I'm going to try to be kind despite how I may feel, especially if someone is trying my nerves, whether deliberate or not.  I'm going to always have a kind and honest word ready for people.  I'm going to try....  

And if YOU are struggling, please reach out to me.  Even if you think "Oh, it's not that bad, I'll be okay."  Well, let's not test that theory.  Based on my last post, I did that and (to an extent) didn't work too well for me. If you have my phone number, or if we're friends on FB, please reach out to me.  Or you can email me at amerigerman@gmail.com.  Please, even if you want to reconnect, it could be an encouragement to both of us.

I love you guys, let's have an incredible summer of fun with friends, and if you haven't already, please take this in the most humble way, please get vaccinated.  If we don't and the virus mutates (like the flu virus does every year), then we could be in for years of what we have just been through. And I know that nobody wants that.  Have a great day and may life return to normal for all of us very soon!

I Wish I Had a Friend Like Me

I am not sure where to even start with this post.  So I guess I'll just start "somewhere."

I'm taking a break.

I don't know how long, I don't know where to go or what to think any more. I'm discouraged, I'm lonely, I'm frustrated.  I described my situation to a brother as a "death by a thousand cuts."  No one person is to blame, no one situation caused this, and I'm trying to determine my responsibility in where I'm at, and how I can get back to me. But writing usually helps me to screw my head back on straight, so here we go.

Over the last year I've felt like I have needed a break.  I assumed that meant needing a break from work, which there is a good chance that would help me too.  But over time, I've had less and less ability to deal with inanity (a lack of sense or meaning (per Bing)).  In people, in our society, in government, and yes, even in people who mean well in Christianity but lack the Biblical knowledge and cultural support to know how to love.

Over the last 4 years, I've watched one man single-handedly work to destroy our country, and democracy. I won't tell you I respect your views if you disagree with my assessment, HOWEVER I do understand why you believe what you believe. Either way, I know with 100% confidence that you do not know all the reasons for my conclusion in this matter.  And to be honest, the majority of you that have supported this monster have little to no curiosity or desire to know the truth, so having a conversation about it is fruitless. 

This is my first frustration.

But the straw that broke the camel's back for me was one particular "brother" in another city who challenged me on some things I posted online.  I was prepared to show him the reasons for my position.  After multiple attempts to have a phone conversation with him, it became very clear that he had no intention of speaking with me directly about these things, but to carry on a fruitless debate by IM. The Bible is very clear on this issue: Mat 5:23-24 states that if you know your brother has something against you, leave your offering at the altar and go and be reconciled with your brother. I gave him this scripture on a Friday and said I would like to be reconciled with him before church on Sunday when I give my offering and take communion. No response.

Again, this was the "last" straw, not the first.  Listen, I'm not Democrat and I sure as heck ain't Republican.  But anyone that knows me, knows that I love people. I believe in them, I enjoy spending time with them, and I love encouraging them. I want to see them do well,  I want them to have the same opportunities and live life without fear due to race, sex or any other thing that people are judged on. But the last four years has shown me the ugliness and godlessness in humans like I have never seen before, and I've studied the Bible with people for 28 years!  

In a way, having learned this is actually a good thing because it's real, authentic.  But this revelation has really rocked my world.  I have ALWAYS believed that people have good intentions, that they (particularly disciples) really seek to understand Jesus' heart toward people.  I've seen that too many disciples' "love" reflects a much more worldly heart than Christ's.  I guess this shouldn't surprise me, but it does.  And it hurts a lot. And yes, I do understand it hurts God first, and hurts him more. (John 15:18)

In some ways I blame myself for this.  I've been trying to write this book about love since 2013, but the last 7 years have been fraught with challenge and hardship. I've poured myself out to rid myself of worldly ballast (my house in Spokane) and for taking care of my mom as she neared death, and finally passed away last year just as the pandemic was growing. I've pushed myself beyond my limitations and got up every morning ready to tackle the day and continue on as I held down a full time job and endure the extreme emotional hardship of watching both of my parents decline and leave this world. 

And I was in full-on survival mode. 

I was grateful to have a God helping me through it and only giving me what he did.  I acknowledge that it could have been much, much more difficult. It doesn't make what I went through easy, but I believe God did make it more bearable. But it's been nearly impossible to have the bandwidth to write with so much upheaval in my life. I believe that Satan has put so much in my way to do whatever he can to prevent me from writing this book. It deals with what the Bible says about loving others.  If you look at Jesus' live and love for others, the bar is VERY VERY HIGH.

And even thought I've had so many challenges, a part of me still blames myself for not getting this book written.

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With that said, I'm in a very weird and unexpected place right now.

Over the last few months, it's been harder and harder for me to feel engaged, especially with spiritual stuff.  With losing my parents, and the extreme loneliness I've felt since quarantining alone in my apartment for the last year, I have been CRAVING connection.  Zoom church has been great, but everyone logs off right after.

During the pandemic, I've fought to be responsible and make sure I'm being safe and not going out except for the necessities, but others somehow think it's okay to do whatever they want to, which has kept, and will continue, to keep us locked up, even despite vaccinations.  I have a lot to say on this subject, but I will restrain myself for now.

But I'm done.  There are times when I say "I'm over this."  But this is different.  I'm done.  At least for now I have decided for my own peace of mind to step back from everything except my job.  

Now in the spirit of what I mentioned before about people not having the Biblical insight or cultural support for how to truly show love, I have to talk about some things that will look on it's face like I'm calling people out.  To a small extent that is true, but really what my heart is to show how things have affected me (and may also affect others in similar situations).  I acknowledge up front that people have busy lives, responsibilities and things I know little or nothing about.  So with that in mind, here's what has been on my heart.

After I lost my dad just over two years ago, I had a lot of people reach out to me to give their condolences, and every one of those gestures were very much appreciated. Thank you if you were one of those who did.  At the time I lost my dad, I was also extremely busy with helping my mom out, which usually happened on Sundays after church.  This time I spent with my mom was so vital, special and cherished that I don't feel the need to explain it away or apologize for it.  But in that, it made me miss fun times with other singles that happened during those times.  I believe I chose the better thing, but it also prevented me from other social activities that would have been beneficial as well. 

But during this extremely challenging time, I had very few people who reached out to me.  Let me just say that when you know someone is having a tough time, and they are in your ministry, the worst thing you can do is "leave them alone."  There were many days I didn't have the strength to have long in-depth conversations with people, but the fact that almost everyone left me alone was hard. I didn't have the strength to reach out to a lot of people, but I did anyway, as much as I could.  But it took everything out of me when it did.  And I did this as often as I had the strength.

Unfortunately, my mom's passing on Feb. 26, 2020, just prior to lock downs due to the pandemic, was a perfect storm for me in my recovery.  I was just about to return to the gym when they closed down. Also, it further alienated me from others during a time where I could finally start getting time with people again.  And at that time, none of us knew that we would be quarantining for an entire year! So what ended up happening is that I didn't do much of anything physically during that time. As I healed from the previous few years, I became even more sedentary.  I began to eat whatever I wanted.  And it was easy for me to kill the pain in my heart from losing my parents by eating sweets and comfort foods of all kinds.  My weight grew to over 425 pounds.  By this point, it became extremely difficult for me to function. I've even had to start using electric shopping carts at the grocery store because my back pain had become extremely intense. That has caused a tremendous amount of shame.

Up until November 2019, I was traveling and walking all over Europe on two trips there.  I've never been limited in any way physically until now.  And now that I'm here, I'm finding it extremely difficult to get this all under control.

This has taken over my consciousness now.  It's pushed everything out because I feel desperate to bring this all back under control.  And as I said before I've felt increasing frustration and difficulty in being engaged in spiritual matters.  I asked for help and didn't get it (this is feeling like history repeating itself).  The person I reached out to ended up helping someone with a yard project as I sat helpless to get myself out of the situation I found myself in. He has since apologized, which is great, but I told another brother that it feels like trying to replace the brakes on your car after you've already wrapped it around a tree. It feels like a nice gesture, but pointless.

Many people have reached out to me in the last month since I took myself off the church messenger groups and I just haven't had the strength to answer most of the calls.  I'm grateful for the hearts of people that have reached out, my only critique is that I really could have used those calls over the last year. I know that's going to sound harsh, and I truly don't mean for it to, but one thing I've learned is that you should always encourage those around you. You surround people with love.  You come by their house, you bring food and gifts. You spend time with them, you pray with them.  I've tried to be that for others when they are hurting, but to not get that back when it would do the most good is kind of devastating. In essence, I wish I had friends that love like I've tried to love others.

Now I would like to make one thing very clear.  I COMPLETELY support the goals and hearts of the ICC movement.  Yes, I'm in a bad place, but I'm trying to understand the areas where I am struggling and acknowledge my part in getting to this unfortunate place, nor am I trying not to blame anyone in the church either.  The conclusion I've come to so far, is that God has put me in this place for a reason.  I am forced to choose whether or not to become bitter and unkind.  And to be quite honest, I'm frustrated with God right now.  I'm not angry per se, I just don't know how to overcome the overwhelming nature of my situation. I've given up everything for the Kingdom (and so far) am not seeing God's answered promises when you give up everything for him.  I know my story isn't over yet, but man I could really use some encouragement and validation that I'm not a total derelict in the eyes of God,  my spiritual family and my friends. I feel left out, I feel left behind and people, by their lack of actions, have made me feel unworthy to have true and deep friendships. I don't believe that myself, I know I am worthy, but I'm tired of trying to persuade others of my value.

So I reached this point and I just don't know what else to say.  I know I should get some therapy, but unsure how to afford it. And the stigma of mental health issues is real.  That's the reality in my mind. A brother acknowledged I've been through a very traumatic time and should really seek help. But it's another thing I have to give time and energy to, that I just don't have the energy for.  

Ugh, this is so hard.