After So Many Years of Challenges, I Finally Made it Home to Berlin!!!

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  Proverbs 13:12

Wow, where do I even start tonight?  I still can't fathom the importance of today...

I think I'm going to start with a thought I had a couple of days ago that completely and UTTERLY blew my mind.  So the leader of the Berlin team encouraged me to head out to Berlin on Sunday, but I had made plans already to hang out with the brothers' household in Amsterdam that Sunday night (which was so much fun, by the way!)  He said that it was okay to leave Monday then.  

But as I booked the train tickets, the date got stuck in my head a bit: October 3rd.... Yes, I know it's the Day of German Reunification, but it was also the date that I left Germany back in 1992.  Yes, EXACTLY 30 years to the day after I left Germany, I moved back!!!  And I don't believe this to be a coincidence either.  And I swear I didn't plan it this way either! A "memory" on my Facebook page confirmed this date as well 10 years ago as I had confirmed the date I left Germany then as well!

So now I'm back!  And I have to be honest, I'm just absolutely on cloud nine.  Before I left Amsterdam yesterday, I was just in tears.  It felt more like I was crying because I missed my mom (and my dad, too...) but today I was crying tears of just joy for such a humbling honor to return to the place on this earth that I love so much.

And I want to apologize to anyone who sees me posting about my travels this summer.  I promise I'm not trying to boast or brag, I'm just so blown away by what God has allowed me to experience these last three and a half months. These times are the product of a LOT of pain, loss, prayers and hopes and dreams of the last 30 years of my life and the scripture at the top of this entry fits it perfectly. 

 I definitely feel like I'm home.  But in all honesty, I nearly lost it all two weeks ago.  Bad choices almost put me in a very bad place.  But I was as humble as I could be about it, but more importantly an incredible amount of love, forgiveness and mercy was shown to me so I didn't have to lose it all. 

I don't deserve to be here.  At the same time, I know God has seen everything I have been through, including being present during the time both my dad and my mom were on their death beds. I've had to endure so much, and I'm just grateful that God has allowed me to be here right now.  I seriously feel like the most blessed guy in the whole world.  

Before I left Seattle, and also my first week in Amsterdam, I shared my testimony for communion. I talked about my incredible LACK of faithfulness.  Yes, I've been a disciple for almost 30 years, BUT in that time, I have fallen away SEVEN times.  Nearly eight...  But the fact that I had left God seven times was just devastating to me.  So I'm not saying "Look how awesome I am".  Just the opposite!  What a wretched wicked person I can be! I'm (to some extent) the perfect example of what NOT to be!

But then I come back to God's mercy!  Wow, I am so totally undeserving! Thank you, God for not treating me as I truly deserve and for blessing my prayers even when my heart was starting to wander again. 

So if you'll indulge me, I'd like to share my last 24 hours or so.

I left about 7pm for Amsterdam's Centraal Station (yes, it's spelled correctly😀) for my 8:30 pm departure. We stopped in Utrecht and Arnhem before crossing the border about 10:20 p.m. on October 3, 2022.

I had to change trains in Duisburg, a city I had visited in 1991 briefly for a weekend with a co-worker. It felt so good to be back in Germany!!! But there was some confusion with the train and almost missed it because the boards took our train off the itinerary as it was very late getting to Duisburg.  When it showed up, the board said it was a different train to Dortmund! Thankfully we realized what was happening before it was too late!

But the DB (German railway) required masks on the train.  Thankfully I kept some in my backpack. I haven't worn one of those in a while! And while the train was about 40 minutes late, we only arrived about 19 minutes later than scheduled to the Berlin Hauptbahnhof! I arrived at 5:58 a.m. today, October 4th!

So I found my way to the hotel, it was kind of far out in Marzahn, I'm writing this post from there, but wasn't able to check in until 11.  So I went to Alexanderplatz, grabbed some breakfast and a coffee and just enjoyed being home again! I checked in at 11, and since I had only gotten about 2 hours of sleep on the train, I took about a 3.5 hour nap.  It was glorious!  And badly needed!

Then I went to look at an apartment and I told the guy that I was in finance and that I had come to Berlin as a missionary, he asked for my CV to give to his company to see if they could use someone like me in their company.  It seemed legit, so I sent it to him.

Then I went back to Alexanderplatz (nearby) and did some shopping, and then went to Mr. Gyros for my favorite food in all of Berlin!  It was still good, but I think maybe the ownership has changed because it wasn't quite as good as I remember it.  Still a very solid Gyro though.  I actually had two of them, because I was seriously craving them and one just wasn't enough to satisfy my hunger after traveling and eating train station food, LOL.

Then I took the train back to the hotel and here I am... Man, what a day.  I'm still just so blown away by what God is allowing to happen in my life.  I want to implore you, whatever your dream is, especially your Kingdom dream, don't ever give up on it! Things may seem impossible to you, but they're not. I've had to fight through so incredibly much to get to this point (and there are still a lot of battles to be fought), but the battle is God's, and we are just here to swing our swords!

So please be praying for me to get a job where the company can sponsor me so that I can get a work permit and a residence permit.  And pray for us to get a great apartment for the single brothers.  Thanks!

But that's it for tonight. FROM BERLIN! I'm so grateful to God for this opportunity.  Please pray for me to be faithful in everything for HIS glory!  I love you guys and than you again to my heavenly dad for taking such great care of me, meeting my needs, and today... blessing my dreams! I love you!

(Due to internet issues at my hotel and the very late hour I completed this, I am uploading this entry the day after writing it...)

Back to School for this 52-year old!

So I have to acknowledge that my being here in London and having the ability to go back to school for the first time sine 1991 is nothing short of a miracle of God himself. That said, I'm exhausted!!!  

But I survived my first week of my intensive CELTA certification course to teach English as a second language, and to be honest, it was fraught with some pretty intense challenges.  

A week ago last Monday, I had flown to Berlin to look for apartments with a brother from Amsterdam.  I pushed myself really hard and even through discouraging prospects, fought to persevere and push myself to my physical limits.  And I did so happily!  But by Friday, I was pretty wiped out!  On average in London, I was walking about 10,000 steps per day.  In Berlin, I was averaging over 14,000!

My flight left BER at almost 11pm on Friday night and it was packed!  It was through British Airways, but it was staffed by Iberian Airlines.  And I didn't get the sense that the crew really knew what they were doing.  I've never felt that before on a flight.  

Anyway, the flight was fine, we got in on time and everything, but we landed at midnight on 7/29.  Well at that same time, there was a rail strike starting.  I also flew in and out of Gatwick Airport, which is pretty far south of London, so pretty much the only public transportation option was trains at that time of night...  So that wasn't happening.  

The queue for taxis was at least 100 people deep, and no buses. So it was walking 50 miles or Uber.  The uber was about 72 pounds, or almost $100.  Yikes!  But when I went to book it, it deleted my request because now there was a higher demand.  So it increased the rate 1.8X!  My final bill was about 120 pounds.  I don't want to even do that math....

Anyway, I got home about 2 a.m. and crashed immediately.  And I enjoyed my last weekend of freedom with disciples before starting my class on Monday.  

So I went to class on Monday and I had a bit of a tickle in my throat.  Concerning but hoping it wouldn't turn into anything.  On my first day, our instructor said that we really can't afford to miss any days of class since it's an intensive course.  

But I think I caught a bug on that flight back from Berlin, because the next day I had to call out.  I didn't know what that even meant.  I didn't want to push the boundaries of the course, but I didn't have a choice.  Then, all the thoughts went through my head: "what if it's Covid?" "What if I get someone else sick when I go back?"  "Can I even make up my first missed teaching practice?"   

I was really stressed about how I could navigate missing a day in this course. 

So on Tuesday, as I was home sick, I went out to get some food at the grocery store and grab a few things. When I returned home, there was someone waiting for us. It was an exterminator, that had made an appointment several weeks ago that this (of all days!!) was the day he was going to spray the house and I couldn't be there for 3-4 hours. I asked if there was any way to reschedule. He said no.  

Ugh.

So where do you go when you're sick and you can't be at home? I was like "Really, God???" Now what do I do?  So I decided to go to a coffee shop and do a little bit of reading.  That killed like 1.5 hours....  Then I went to pray at a park near my house.  But when I was praying, before I could pray the sentence I had formed in my head, I would pass out!  I was on a bench praying, then sleeping, praying then sleeping!  This happened several times. 

After about 3.5 hours, I was finally able to return home to rest and recover a bit.

And when I returned to class on Wednesday, the instructor assured me that we could work it out.  But I had to give my first teaching practice THAT DAY!  

Which brings up the second issue that I was having: technical issues downloading the software I will need to do my lessons.  I had just purchased a new laptop right before I left Seattle as I knew I would need something for my class.  But for some reason I was not able to download it onto that laptop.  I was told by the software company that I didn't have a "full version" of Windows.   Huh???  

Thankfully I brought my old laptop with me that's about 4 years old.  It's an HP and it's far and away the worst piece of technology I've ever owned.  Nothing seems to work right, it's just garbage.  I rarely use it, and even though it's 4.5 years old, it has easily less than a year's worth of use.  Probably more like 6 months worth of use.

So Wednesday night I decided that was priority one!  But it took THREE hours to download it and once I had it on my system, my laptop was glitching out badly. So I spent some time removing some other programs that I no longer needed and one browser.  After rebooting a few times (which took up to 30 minutes each), it was unclear if it would work. I went to bed very late and very tired and just prayed that it was enough to move forward. 

I shut down the laptop and took it to school.  I pulled it out and was preparing myself for the worst.  Thankfully, it BOOTED. RIGHT. UP!! Thank you God!  Thankfully I also didn't have to do a teaching practice that day, but I did need to do one the next day, Friday. 

And I was also doing all this while sick, blowing my nose constantly, coughing, the whole nine yards! 

So Thursday night I got home after a long day and I was pretty wiped out!  But I was encouraged to actually be able to do my homework on the software that was finally on my laptop!  So I got it started and for some reason, the application shut down on my screen, it just disappeared.  I couldn't figure out what happened and I couldn't get it to come back.  So I decided to reboot.  Problem was, Microsoft decided that was the perfect time to do an update! At about 10:30 p.m.....

Ugh............

An hour later when the update was finished and I couldn't function any more.  I just went to bed and hoped I'd be fresh enough in the morning to get it done after I get up.

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I was able to get my homework done before work and it was ultimately a successful week.  

There were clearly so many challenges that were big and daunting, not to mention the fact that I haven't seen the inside of a classroom (as a student) in more than 31 years.  But what I'm learning through all of this is that all of these things were not unknown to, or unplanned, by God.  Just the opposite is true, that each one of these issues was allowed by God to expose my character.  So what have I learned about my character through them? 

1. Lack of trust in God. Now some might say that I am living out my faith by this extraordinary time in my life.  Yes, but that's only partially true.  I'm a grumbler.  I whine and gripe when things don't go the way I think they should.  God HATES grumbling.  So much so, that for the Israelites that he rescued from Egypt and did miracle after miracle (like the parting of the Red Sea, sending manna every day to feed them, and even the rescue itself), he said that they would not be allowed to enter the land he promised them!  And then he made them wander through the desert for 40 years and they did not enter the promised land.  God took care of their every need and yet it wasn't enough for them.  I'm doing the EXACT same thing. (Deut. 1 & 2)

2. Not rejoicing in sufferings.  As much as I hate to admit this one, it's sooooo hard to do! But the Bible is also super clear.... "Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS, I will say it again, REJOICE!" Phillipians 4:4 and that I don't trust God when he is challenging my character.  The only chance for me to get to heaven is to allow God to mold me to be more like him.  He's not trying to make my life hard, he's trying to make my heart soft like his.  His goal is for me to pray more, not to get more angry or frustrated.  That's unfortunately where my heart has been at.

1 Peter 4:12-13 - Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

So I wanted to apologize to everyone, and to God, for my ungodly posts last week.  I'm saddened that I haven't trusted God with everything.  He's blessing my life so much right now and I have the gall to complain about how he's doing it.  Please forgive me as I also ask forgiveness from God. 

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers of support.  I'm grateful for the love you show me and our friendships.  Sorry to be a poor example in the area of my faith.

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So I'll close this by attaching a photo of my first day of school.  I couldn't resist.  Thanks Harry for taking the picture.  I needed a good laugh after this week!  Love you all!

Wow, My Dreams Are Coming True!

 Wow, what a whirlwind of encouragement these past few weeks!  I suspect this will be a long post, so thank you if you read to the end.  If you don't, I'll understand too. Either way I won't know the difference so there you go.... LOL

So I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm writing this from London, UK!  I got off the plane and it's been in the 70's, sunny and glorious! My heart is happy and full!  I'm incredibly encouraged that I get to call this place home for the next four months or so!

Back in January of this year, I was watching a sermon by Michael Williamson, who leads the London ICC church and he had mentioned that our movement would be sending out a mission team to Berlin, Germany.  I was so excited because back in 2017 I was being considered for the mission team, but it didn't end up going out at that time.  Unfortunately, at that time it was becoming clear that mom was needing more help.  Either way, I wouldn't have been able to go out at that time. 

So in January of this year, I contacted Michael to let him know that I would be interested in being on the team.  A couple of months later I was contacted by the brother in another city who is leading the team that I was being considered!  We had a interview and he said that he would love to have me on the team.  To say that I was thrilled would be a gross understatement! Was my kingdom dream really coming true????  Be still my heart!

I loved my job and this was one of the biggest struggles I have had in the last several months.  I have to be honest, I was getting super burned out on customer service.  I have been there for over six years and the last few months have been BRUTALLY busy.  On top of dealing with a hurting public who have been savagely brutalized by the past few years, political turmoil and only God knows what other craziness goes on in people's lives, it was becoming increasingly difficult to help people and since I'm an empath, I always feel peoples' pain personally and deeply.  And taking on the burdens of 100s of people every week was more than I could handle any more. 

My company was the best I have ever worked for.  They helped me so much when I was taking care of my mom and gave me time when both she and my father passed.  They had the best managers I have ever had.  But in the end, they had me on a "plan" since December and at the end of March, I was told that I would be let go after May 1st if I didn't meet my goals (I was either meeting them or missing them by the slightest possible margins every month).  

My manager ended up taking a job in another area and my new manager, who I've known for the whole time I've worked there, told me after two very emotional calls (crying, not yelling) and I finally told her that I was going to need to submit my resignation effective immediately because the job was starting to affect my health.  I was beyond burned out.  

So that gave me the time to start moving toward leaving Seattle for Europe!!  

But as I was starting to make preparations, I realized that we still hadn't had a memorial service for mom.  So I got ahold of her good friend Sandy and she helped coordinated all aspects of the service.  Jake was there and so was my friend Roger. It was so beautiful and I believed it honored her memory. I miss her so much and even though she passed away in February of 2020, pandemic lockdowns made it impossible to have an in-person memorial.

But so many people shared their stories about her, and people brought quilts and other items mom made for them, so it was great to see her handiwork.  I brought the small VW bug quilt she made for me, but was unable to bring the big quilt because apparently the suitcase it was being stored in got some moisture in it and it was very musty. 

So once that was over, I only had nine days before I left.  During that week, I asked to I've the sermon at the men's midweek service.  My first full sermon in over 29 years in the kingdom! And I got good feedback too!  Here's the link if you'd like to listen to the audio-only sermon.   (8) 2022 Midweek | Faith & Other Things | Tim Morse - YouTube 

I also agreed to do the communion message at church the day before I flew out.  I was very emotional (once again, crying) and I had a lot of encouragement from people on that as well.  By the way, Michael Williamson asked me today if I would do communion this coming Sunday and I agreed.  What was I thinking??? LOL.  JK, but I think I'll do the same one as last week.  Another emotional Sunday!  LOL It'll be great, but it will help me to do the same one again....

But I digress...

So then it was GO TIME.  Even though I ad been working hard to get rid of stuff, it was not enough. At the end I was just stuffing things into my suitcases, hoping they were the things I was going to need. In 30 years of renting and owing places to live, I've never left one that bad before. And it was bad. So I'm asking some brothers in Seattle to help set up some cleaning and I'll pay them.  I also was not able to sell my car.  These two things are kind of still bugging me.  That car has been pretty reliable the past few months, but it's also become a royal pain the my backside, too.  Anyway, I remind myself that God is in control of all of this anyway so I really should not worry. 

But the good news was that once I locked up the door, I was on my way to the airport! My stepmom came over from Yakima to take me and we had a good, but unfortunately, short time to catch up. But I had just gone to visit her Monday and Tuesday of last week, so we did have lots of time to catch up then.  I love her, she's been such a great stepmom to me, and wife to my dad.  

Then came a pretty long flight.  Thankfully I decided for my own health (and sanity) to take a direct flight from Seattle to Heathrow.  It's only an 8 1/2 hour flight and when I got to London, 5 brothers came to meet me: Tosin, Jurij, Aaron, Pablo, and I forgot the other brother's name already.  Hey, I was jet lagged and exhausted from packing for the last few weeks!  Anyway, they sang "We Love You With The Love of the Lord" as I came out of baggage claim.  I was SOOOO encouraged to see them!

And the only real kind of negative/inconvenient thing since I got her was the rail strike, so no "Tube" in a city of like 12 million people.  Taking the bus is normally not a bad way to travel, but when EVERYONE is trying to take them, it's a bit messy. Also, at the airport we had to wait an hour for our Uber driver as there was so much demand, the backup of cars trying to get to the airport literally went for miles... Our poor driver was having a bad day with all of that...

But I got to the brother's house where I'll be staying for the next four months or so and I'm living with a bunch of campus guys and I'm super impressed by them, I had great talks with almost all of them my first night here.  

This morning was a morning of firsts for me.  Joining a campus household, check!  Getting up at 4:30 a.m. to sing happy birthday to a brother, check! Eating a piece of cake at 4:45 a.m., check!  

Then at 6:30 am, we all went out to pray together and along the way, we were singing. I was having trouble singing AND walking at the same time.  Now even though God has helped me TREMENDOUSLY in my abilities to be more active, I was struggling with both. But the weather was beautiful, clear and crisp morning and I couldn't imagine a more perfect morning! 

Now I want to talk a little bit about my health.  My health has not been good in the last few years.  A year ago, I could only walk a block or two before I was out of breath and my back started hurting so much that it would literally take my breath away.  Fast forward one year and I've had many days in a row over 8000 steps, today at about 9500.  I am so grateful that God has allowed me to grow so much and that I'm still over 40 pounds down from my highest weight. 

I'm able to do shopping trips without the electric scooter carts finally for the first time in over two years and I'm so much more mobile than even a few months ago!  But as much as I have grown, I'm feeling a bit challenged here still.  After the morning walking worship time and a long journey across the city (including a grocery trip), I got home and I was exhausted.  And my body was starting to shut down.  So much so that I didn't make it to midweek which I hated, because I really wanted to be there, it was supposed to be my first meeting of the body in London.  Well, the good news is that I'll be getting together with brothers tomorrow, Friday and on Saturday will be a Singles' event. And of course, church on Sunday.

 But after just a day and a half, and despite my exhaustion, I couldn't be happier. I'm still having a hard time believing I'm here and that in just over a month I'll be taking an intensive course on teaching English as a second language. Please pray for me because I haven't been in school in 32 years! And I literally feel like the most blessed person on earth!