Deep Stuff

Happy Wednesday everyone!  I would love to regale all of you with wonderful stories of places I've seen and wondrous memories rekindled, but today I just want to get some stuff off my chest of a bit more personal nature.  Let me start off by saying that every day I wake up here and get out and see Germany, it still amazes me.  Today I did go to an Imbissstube (yes, there are 3 s's in that word), and I got to eat a bratwurst, fries and a coke... for old time's sake.  Anyone who has ever had this combo, knows how special it is.  Okay, so I lied, there was one great memory I got to relive today.  It was amazing...

So, now that I'm kind of planted in my new place, getting things all set up and trying to find my place here in Berlin, I have come to some realizations.  This place kind of freaks me out a little.  Not Berlin, not Germany per se, just sort of my situation.  I wouldn't trade it for the world, but I'm realizing that my new home is not Spokane. Or Seattle.  I don't live in my house any more.  I don't own a car and I'm not here on vacation.  Honestly I don't think I ever looked upon this adventure as a "holiday" but there are aspects of being here that feel that way.

I guess what it really boils down to is that for the past two years of my life, I have worked VERY VERY hard.  I have nearly completely rebuilt an entire room in my house, mostly by myself (and with some amazing servants: Ryan Gauthier, Mark McCune and Mike Scally and others!!) but for the first time in a long time, I have very little to do.  Now I have begun in earnest to look for a job, but most of the heavy lifting, cleaning, projects and insanity has ended.  As a result, I am very physically tired (which is understandable for an obese 43 year old that has done what I have over the past however many months), so I guess today I felt kind of guilty for more-or-less taking the day off.  I slept 9 hours last night, 8 the night before and 10 the night before that. Over the past few months it's been consistently 5 to 6.5 hours per night.  I'm pretty sure that is my body and mind working together, realizing that I'm not in survival mode any more and that it's okay to get some shut-eye.  But I guess I still feel kind of guilty.

So the other thing I have been experiencing is that I speak German better than I understand.  For the last week (I've been here 8 days already!) I'm realizing I'm totally out of my element, struggling to understand not only WHAT people are saying, but trying to figure out simply how things work here.  It's pretty intense honestly. In Spokane, I knew how things worked so I was in control.  Here, I constantly misunderstand people, do the wrong things and make a fool of myself, which makes me feel self-conscious.  And for the first time in a very long time, I really feel weak and Satan has even tried telling me I'm stupid or ignorant or something.  Now, I'm not listening to him, but I have to admit, it is V-E-R-Y humbling being here under these circumstances.  It's only been a week, and I know it will get better, but it's been stressful!

At the same time, my physical body is severely out of shape.  As I have mentioned before on facebook, I have been doing a ton of walking.  This is a good thing, because one of my goals by moving here was to lose some weight. I can already tell my body is changing, but this is going to be a long-term project that took me 15 years to create.  I know it's not going to go away overnight.  That said, after a long day of walking around this enormous city, my feet hurt and my back hurts and I am very tired.   Ah, the wonders of aging!  LOL  Also, my room is on the 3rd floor of my building in an "Altbau" or an older style building with 10+ foot ceilings.  When I first came here last Saturday I could barely make it up to the door.  I was completely winded though, but I made it.  Today I could tell my legs were hurting a bit, but I'm not so winded any more.  Progress is good. Getting up in the mornings has been difficult, too, but I know that for a bit I'll have to deal with my body not wanting to do all this, but I know in a couple months I will see significant progress...

But here's the cool thing:  When I started this blog over 3 years ago, my goal was to reinvent myself.  I thought I was just talking about my body.  God wanted me to work on the inside first, and then the outside. Work on the heart, the way I think, the way I act....  It's actually a very biblical concept.  In Matthew 23, Jesus is rebuking the religious leaders because on the outside they looked good, but on the inside, they were not good.  Here's what he said to them:

Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence.  Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.  Mat. 23:25-26

Now that was a bit of a scathing rebuke, but the general concept still applies to me.  If my heart is not in the right place, no matter what I do to the outside, I will still not be in a good place.  Once I'm in a good place in my mind and in my heart, my chances are better that I won't go back to the place I was (am now) before.

I have to be honest, there are moments when I feel a bit overwhelmed and intimidated here.  I know that won't last forever, but in the meantime, please pray for me to submit to God, to trust him, to listen to what he says and then do it, to pray more fervently than ever before and to read my Bible like it's all I got. By leaving Spokane, I have left the distractions that kept me from really enjoying my relationship with God, I have rented the house that I have lived in for 9 years, sold my cars and gave away my dog.  These were all the things that I took comfort in and had control over.  By releasing that control and trusting in God, my hope was that I really could be a better Christian and to find out why it is that he called me here to Berlin.  My tendency is to look at the negative and to wallow in self pity.  Well, as much as today has been a "day off" or a day to take stock in my own mind, I believe it has still been a successful day.  Because I didn't give in to the negativity or listen to Satan's lies.  I slept in, laid around a bit, but for my situation, I don't think God is going to be mad at me for it. So there you have it, I have had a mind change that is going to continue to carry me through this.  And I think for this evening I will get some cash and treat myself to a beer at the local watering hole and get to know the neighbors.  And I won't have to worry about driving home.  Now how's that for reinventing myself!

 Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts and for checking in on me again!  I will continue to keep you posted.