Praying for a Miracle

Well, this certainly has been an eventful thrill-ride of emotions lately. I have to be honest,  I wish I would have been a better person while I have been here.  I've struggled so much, and have not been patient with God.  I have been selfish, moody and downright rebellious at times.  I don't deserve to stay in Germany.  God has been incredibly patient with me as I have run the gamut of emotions here, but I have to say that I am not proud of the way I have handled the stress.

Last Saturday when I received word that I did not receive the job, in one sense I was relieved to finally have an answer.  In another sense, I was numb, in shock.  They extended my visa with the understanding that it was based on THAT position.  They made an exception for my situation since I was waiting to hear back from them when my visa was running out.  I asked the manager at the hotel if there were other positions available and said he would forward my information on to the reservations department. It's a slim chance, but a chance nonetheless.

I have sort of beat myself up lately.  Just after I learned of the denial, I was to be on a Skype call with some brothers in the states.  I was really struggling though.  One of the brothers, after many years of trying, finally got his dream! I was happy for him, but at the same time sad for my situation.  The brothers have been so patient with me, enduring heart-wrenching thoughts from me, and yet firmly and lovingly pointing me back the right way.  In Berlin last night, even Katja encouraged me to go with her to the campus bible talk.  I'm so glad I went.

Satan has really been working overtime on me.  I have seen this cartoon that people have posted on facebook (numerous times and at times that I have needed to see it) of a guy digging a tunnel and he stops just short of the treasure.  He gave up.  I just don't want to be that guy.  I have worked so hard and have sacrificed so much....  I just don't want to have to return to the US...

So, on that note, I started off last Saturday being kind of numb.  That lasted for a couple days then eventually it hit me that I might actually be to blame for God not blessing my dream.... That may or may not be true, but I was definitely broken.  I got mad at myself for ruining my own life. Again!!!

Then it occurred to me that it's possible.  Just possible, that God will not make me go home.  In the book of Genesis in the Bible, God promises Abraham he will have a son.  He is 90 and his wife Sarai was 100 when she had him.  God also promised him that his legacy would continue through that very son.  God later told Abraham that he wanted him to kill his son.  Abraham was known for his faith (this being the "big test"), and was prepared to kill his son when God told him to stop.  God then knew that Abraham was "all in", that he put his relationship with God above all other things.  My hope and my thought has been, "Can God bring back my dream from this apparent death?"  I have to try to believe it because I just don't want to have to give it up.

Another interesting thing has happened.  Since all of this has happened, I have dealt with the pain, had the anger and the tears, etc.  I have also sort of accepted the fact that I may have to return.  I woke up this morning and my first thought was "maybe it won't be so bad."  I think that might be growth.  One thing I am certain of with God, is that he loves me and he's not mean-spirited toward me or anyone else.  The worst thing that could come out of this time is for me to have spent approximately 3 1/2 months in a place that I absolutely love, a city I have returned to twice now, falling more and more in love with it and its people every time I come here.  How's that for the "worst case scenario"?   Being away for 20 years and spending 3 months here has been incredible. In the same situation, with all the heartache, pain and work that it took me to get here, I do not regret it at all, and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Tonight, I was incredibly humbled by a sister posting something on facebook for me, asking for prayers for me to stay.  The last couple of days I have been praying for a miracle.  That's what I need now.  The end seems near, but I have to remain faithful.  Please God, you can do anything!  If it's your will, I need a miracle to stay here in Germany and I have to go to the Foreigners Administration office tomorrow.  You are a loving and just God and I confess here and now I'm not worthy to stay.  Please show mercy to me despite my sin.

I also would just like to say that being here has increased my faith in the goodness of disciples a hundredfold. These men and women here have shown their love and support for me like I have never seen before. I have had many instances of deep love from disciples, but the Berlin church is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!! I'm so grateful to all of you that have shown me love and helped me through rough waters. God sees your amazing hearts, and I want the world to know how much I appreciate you.

Please keep praying for my dream.  I hope to have some more information soon.  Whether I stay or whether I go home, I will not regret this time. I will not see myself as a failure because I have overcome incredible odds to get here.  I hope to have the surprise I have teasing you with very soon. Sorry, this week has just been too much, and I haven't had the bandwidth to prepare it.  I'll try to get it ready by the weekend.

Thanks all for all your support and love. I'm so encouraged by your notes to me on facebook.  Please feel free to write a comment here or facebook or my email.  I'm grateful for all of you.  Good night.