Well, this certainly has been an eventful past few days.... I AM still hopeful. I AM still faithful. I AM still searching for a job. But there have been no shortage of challenges. I am a firm believer that if something is truly worth fighting for you will give up everything, sacrifice, leave no stone unturned, remain completely undeterred no matter the circumstance. There are times where that is so hard to do. Simply to trust, to keep on keepin' on, with faith that, in the end, it will all work out.
I'm all in on this deal, but the last few days have been particularly challenging. On Saturday morning, I woke up and overnight Friday I had run an anti-virus scan on my computer, but even while I was asleep I could tell that something wasn't right because I could hear the fan on the laptop acting funny. So I woke up and sure enough, a virus had caught hold of my system. Phooey! This is the one thing I was hoping wouldn't happen while I'm job-searching. Apparently I should be able to fix the problem relatively easily, however, the Windows XP CD (don't judge, it's much more reliable than Vista was) is in storage in Spokane and the person with the key is on the other side of the country. Part of me just finds that funny, part of me doesn't find that the least bit amusing. Oh well, one more test of my faith and my fortitude, I guess.
The weather the past few days has been pretty brutal. It's been 90 or above for three straight days with high humidity and my body is just not accustomed to being in it constantly with no relief, except for possible brief moments of air conditioning in a bus or grocery store... On Sunday, it was about 95 and I was just completely soaked with sweat by the time I got home. It was really nasty. I'm learning how to give my body what it needs when it's that hot, but only after trial and error, unfortunately. Today it's back to about 75, was really muggy this morning but now is sunny, warm and much dryer air. Thanks God, I'm starting to feel like a human again!
I am really hoping for some relief very soon. There has been some possible good news on the housing front, but need to get some advice on it because it seems like a great temporary situation, but long-term it might actually be harder, so I need to sort that out very soon.
So, I am also very encouraged because I have been asked to lead a singles devotional again this Wednesday evening. It will be very good, but may need to do things manually (ie: without a computer), I am sure God will work it out with me.
I feel like people in my life are some of my biggest critics. I think overall that is good, but sometimes I feel like people see things just from a worldly standpoint and not from position of faith. It's so hard to be in this situation in my life, because honestly (and I'm not saying this as a martyr), I don't think some people really completely understand what is going on in my life and they cannot relate. I think even some people may even believe that God might be punishing me for something. While that is definitely a possibility, I don't believe God is punishing me. I have tried so hard to be faithful in everything. God is not punishing me, he's pruning me, to purify my heart. That's what I believe from the bottom of my heart. Please don't approach me as if I am stupid or uninformed, please approach me humbly and ask me, "have you considered...?" As opposed to approaching me "You need to...". Emotionally I am kind of raw right now. This is really one of the most difficult times of my life, not because I don't live in an AMAZING city, with AMAZING people and an AMAZING God, it's because for the first time in my life I have decided to not rely on my strengths, but to allow myself to be weak so that God can show his strength. There is so much to consider, narrow windows of opportunity to get a job, work permit, residence permit. Trust me when I say I have agonized over many many details about every step of this process, and have had to just turn them over to God again and again because I do not have the power over these things, only God does. God keeps reminding me of this scripture (now one of my very favorite scriptures):
2 Cor 12:7-10 -- Because of these surpassingly great revelations...in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
This scripture is so contrary to the world. For all the years I lived and had a good-paying job, I was well respected because I could take care of my business. Now that I have nothing (relatively speaking), to the world it may look like God is punishing me. But God knows my heart. As anyone who knows me is well aware, I am F-A-R from perfect, but he knows my heart is for him. I hope it is becoming more and more so every day....
That having been said, I do sometimes feel envious of others. I sometimes wish I could take great vacations to luxury resorts in tropical places, afford to go to a nice restaurant and not worry about how much it costs, buy that new gadget, go where ever, whenever I want. Unfortunately that is not my current reality. I'm very sorry God for my envy. Please help me to be completely joyful, even in financially sparse times. Please let my relationship with you truly be enough for me, that if our relationship was all I had for the rest of my life, that I could still have that joy and peace that transcends all understanding.
I think that's enough for now. I need to get a few more things done before I head home. Have a great week, everyone and thanks for looking in on me....
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