I'm coming to you from the library and it's warm but comfortable and Dale is snoozing (and snoring I might add) a few feet away from me. The weather has been really sunny and warm except Monday when it rained. It was a nice break from 35C or 95F temps on Saturday and Sunday, and I was just drained all the time. I really miss having places that are air-conditioned... I would get home at night and just be soaking wet with sweat. Pretty gross.
On top of being wiped out from the weather, having my laptop crash, etc., I also had to make some decisions about my living arrangements this week and then had to move on relatively short notice. Thanks be to God that I didn't have too much stuff!
During the time when I was moving, I was really starting to feel low, bordering on depression. As I sat there yesterday waiting for a brother to come by with his car to pick me and my stuff up, I couldn't help but to just look at the ground, discouraged because I couldn't see any way out. I was ready to give up, to throw in the towel, to essentially prepare myself to go back to the states. Even though I still have time to look for work, I just was done, and I didn't care about anything. I just felt everything was so overwhelming.
I finally got my stuff to the new apartment and I was so exhausted that I could barely move. It was pretty hot yesterday and I was just unable to do any more work, including cleaning. As I was on my way back to the apartment (to try to clean it), my landlord sent a pretty harsh text message. I always try to do my very best to be responsible and rarely shirk them, but yesterday I was simply unable to complete them. I really felt bad, but as usual, my landlord was not very understanding. It gets really old when you have someone that is all smiles until you mess something up then comes the drama. I got to the front door of the building and rang the bell to see if he was there. He was. So I came back a while later and dropped the keys in the mailbox. Again, I felt so bad that I hadn't been able to clean, but I was so hot that at times I felt like I wanted to pass out. Cleaning was just not going to be an option for me, unfortunately.
This was not particularly helpful for my already bad mood/sick feeling. I had made an appointment with a sister to hang out with her and another sister from our newly-planted sister church in Warsaw, Poland. So I got on the train and went to hang out with them. I was still not feeling very well, but the plan was just to sit down and hang out and either grab coffee or food, so I figured I would be able to do that. And hopefully somewhere cool.... So we walked around trying to find somewhere that she could go online. We walked abut 20 minutes and tried to log on to the Wi-Fi at McDs. After 20 minutes of trying to get that to work, and a nice worker who came to our table to help, we simply could not get it to work. I suggested we head to Starbucks and try it there.
So we get to Starbucks on the Kurfürstendamm and we were not only able to log on, but the store had a HUGE upper seating area that was super plush and we hung out up there in AIR-CONDITIONED bliss... It was so nice to have a cool place to hide out for a while! Well, she was online trying to meet some people to come hang out with us and went onto couchsurfing.com and a couple of local guys came out. It was really fun. The first guy who came was a professor of cultural history (I think that's correct) and we had a great conversation! After Starbucks closed, the other person came and we had a great chat with him too. He was from Metz, France (near where I went to high school!). It's a small world. Anyway, it was a good time.
But for me the highlight of the evening was talking to this sister from here in Berlin. After having a pretty discouraging couple days, it was nice to just have some people to hang out with. This sister and I talked and talked and talked and after a few hours there, I was so encouraged again. We discussed things we see and could use improvement in the ministry here and just life and people in general. (We weren't gossiping, I promise!!) This discussion really helped to remind me of why I am here. Did you catch that? I think I finally understand why God has called me here to this city at this time.
I really want to do missions work. I see the need for a singles ministry in this city that is led by someone that can love it and give their whole heart to it. There is also a very great need to help people understand how to truly love each other in a very Biblical way, like Jesus loved people. I'm hoping to start writing my book shortly and have some, I believe, some really great and practical insights into how to really love people and give to them in a way that really helps them feel loved but also to see and understand God. I've been on the giving and receiving end of really bad things. I have had to endure a lot of hardships in the past few years, times that were painfully difficult and extremely discouraging and trying to my relationship with God. I believe that God has really helped me to rely on him through those hard times, and especially so during my time here in Berlin.
In the 20 years since I have become a Christian, I have left the church twice for relatively short periods of time. The first was just a time of great stress and big changes in the church and it just became too much for me. The second time was when I was going through some very significant struggles in my relationships with other people that I really felt like nobody cared. I was right, because nobody showed it. It simply is not enough to have love in your heart for someone. Without showing it, the other person doesn't know it. I have been reminded of that scripture in 1 John 3:18 -- "Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth."
At any rate, it was wrong for me to leave the church, but the circumstances I felt I had to endure for a year and a half had simply destroyed my faith in the goodness of people, especially people that called themselves Christians. Through all of this, though, God was never far from my heart or my thoughts. I knew I would return one day, but just needed some time off to regroup and let some healing begin in my heart. As I was being restored to God and to the church, I was going through some very intense physical issues. I began having problems with my gall bladder, sometimes having flare-ups that kept me home from work and church activities. At the same time, I was diagnosed with having sleep apnea. Because of the sleep apnea, they would not perform surgery as my blood oxygen levels would dip too low. It was a problem not being able to sleep, feeling incredibly wrung out all the time, and not being able to have surgery until I could get the sleeping issue resolved.
Anyway, after all that finally got resolved, a brother I trust dearly, named Jeff, told me "You can't just have a revolving door" in your relationship with God in the church. I was really convicted by this and had to make a decision. If I decided to continue to follow Christ, I could never leave again. Since that time in 2007-early 2008, I have had some really hard times, some self-inflicted, others just testings from God. I have had to make the decision to stay faithful because in John 6:67, Jesus asked Peter if he wanted to leave the Way as well, to which Peter replied in verses 68 and 69: "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God."
These were just a few of the significant challenges I have faced and God has helped me to overcome in the past few years. Not to mention a 30-40 hour a week job while doing a remodel on my house, selling most of my worldly possessions while still getting good time with people. It's been a very challenging time, but I am ready to see how to start this process. I have so much to give, so much that God has given me, so much he's changed in my heart. I'm ready to learn how to pass these things along to others now.
I think that's it for now, we have to close up the library for the month of August today, so for now I say "Auf Wiedersehen", until we meet again.
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