My Reality Check Bounced

God has been so good to me lately.  I wish I could say I have been the same back to him. Sometimes there is so much going on in your life and in your heart and mind that it's not really possible to process it all or to understand it.  Sometimes we don't always know how we are feeling, and even when we do, we often don't know why we are feeling a certain way or doing the things we are doing.

I have been struggling a lot lately the last 4 or 5 days and I just don't know why I'm feeling the way I do.  I have been feeling down I think partially because I just don't understand what's going on in my head and my heart. It's making me a bit crazy not knowing what to change to make my situation and or even just my emotions better.

I was just sharing with someone on facebook who is going through some struggles as well.  We'll call them "First World Problems".  Now, this term has popped up fairly recently and I think is appropriate.  It sort of reminds us that our, as the Bible calls them, "light and momentary troubles"  2 Cor. 4:17 are not the end of the world, and that often the only thing they impact is our own comfort.  However, they can and do still impact us, and are still challenges we have to face and overcome.  Especially if we have a number of them hitting at the same time, it can feel overwhelming, even humbling or discouraging.  This is how God tests our hearts for him, if we trust him and if we believe that he knows everything that happens to us.  Our reaction to these tests show God how much we really love him.

In the same way, we don't always know what others are going through, that is why it's really hard to judge people.  This is one of the reasons that the Bible talks a lot about judging others in Romans 2.  Some people have had to endure deaths of family members, emotional or physical or even sexual abuse, challenging job situations, divorce, separation, a house full of teenagers (right, parents?), relationship issues, money problems, health problems, etc.  Each person has their own journey and you will never understand someone's story just by looking at their faces for 5 seconds as you try to pigeonhole them (ie: they're fat, she's unattractive, he's arrogant, etc., you get idea).

I'm overweight, I know I'm overweight, but my weight is not who I am.  You and I should not get our identity from the outward things that other people can see.  I get my identity from doing the things that I know are right, treating people respectfully and lovingly and having a relationship with God.  I don't expect that everyone is not going to judge me because I am overweight, however if you get to know me and you still don't realize there's more to me than the fact that I'm an obese 43 year old, graying, balding man, then the problem does not lie in my fat or the amount, or color, of my hair.

I used to get my identity from my well-paying job, the fact that I owned a house, having a nicer car to drive and basically living a life as most of the world does.  If you look at my life now and you see that everything I own in Germany can be fit into one car, you might think of me differently from the way I see myself.  I have found that living out Christianity takes way more thought than I ever realized before.  So much disciplined thinking, not seeing people for how they look, but to take the time to look deeper. This is a challenge, because we have not set up our lives like this. It's quicker and easier to judge, or to compare ourselves to others, so that we make ourselves feel better.  We ALL do this, whether we are willing to admit it or not.

When was the last time you decided to sit down and have coffee with someone who was totally different than you, someone who looked different, was from a different culture, was in a totally different place in life, someone you might think is odd or unattractive?  What makes us think we are any better than anyone else?  Yes, we are different, but we are all the same, too.

I digress...  So, what I have realized lately is that I am lonely.  I am a very out-going person.  I love to be around people, go do fun things, spend time having deep or fun conversations, traveling, and having new experiences. I have found myself not calling people much because I am trying to save money on my minutes on my phone.  That is the responsible thing to do.  However, it means that I do not have the time with people that I really need and desire.  It's a tough thing to regulate and it's certainly a tough thing to legislate in other people's lives.  All I know is that I want to make a difference and that I am just not getting the time with people that I want.  I think it's also partially that I really need to do better in my times with God than I have been.  I have slacked off in my prayer life and I just need to have a much better attitude about reading the Bible.

So, once I realized that I was feeling lonely, it was weird.  It was like I was at peace and all the little demons cackling in my head were gone all of the sudden.  I was able to think more clearly and start making decisions on how to change my situation.  Still working on the specifics, but the knowledge piece is handled.  I'm very grateful for this revelation and now I can move forward.  That was my reality check this week.