In reality, life has actually been pretty encouraging, but there always seems to be a few significant challenges coming my way or hanging around making themselves a nuisance in my life. The Bible talks about our hope in heaven in 1 Peter 1:6-7 "In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith -- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire -- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
I have to be honest, I am struggling with the "rejoice" part of this scripture. This week has been super challenging. It started last week with having to move and all the stuff that went along with that. Then, I found out that my father is in the ICU in Arizona with double pneumonia, which is serious at his age, despite his otherwise good health. Then I found out that he had been moved to another hospital where it looks like he is going onto the donor's list to receive either one or two lung transplants. I'm 5,000 miles away and can't do anything to be there now...
On top of all that, I still have not been able to get in touch with anyone in Spokane to help my renter by looking at an issue in the house that needs to be evaluated. This is despite having 3 or 4 people promise to help me with minor issues with the house while I'm gone. Again, being so far away, I have ZERO power to do anything at all about it. These are people that I know are busy, have their own lives, but in the opposite situation, I think I would try to help out. I'm struggling to forgive and trust the people that have not decided to try to help me. I feel hurt and abandoned. If you say you are going to do something (anything), people rely on you to have integrity and to do it, otherwise it could put someone in a very challenging situation. I have to work through these issues on my own, but it doesn't hurt any less. Even in the world, we say "Your word is your bond", the Bible says (Jesus actually speaking in the 'Sermon on the Mount') in Matthew 5:33-37 -- "Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the Lord the vows you have made.' But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all; either by heaven, for it is God's throne; or by earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. All you need to say is simply 'Yes' or 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one." James repeats this in his letter in James 5:12.
None of us is perfect in this, but especially as Christians, we need to strive to do much better in this area.
Between the very serious health challenges of my father and my family, my inability to move forward with my renter, and the regular stuff that happens daily, I have just been feeling beat down again. I was so discouraged last night. I'm so grateful that my most recent plea for help was not in vain and that it looks like I might be able to at least find out what is going on at the house...
I would like to also share something that happened to me last night. I was unconsciously waiting for this to happen and honestly I didn't think it would take more than 7 months for it to happen the first time. I have shared before that on Alexanderplatz, there are bratwurst vendors that essentially wear a grill and they are able to walk around and sell their stuff. Lately, they have a new recruit who is in a wheelchair. I will seek this guy out before I go to the others because they seem to stick him in less-traveled areas. As I was buying a bratwurst, a younger kid (late teens, early 20's maybe), walking behind me, said "Fetter Sau" which means fat pig. It took me a few seconds to realize he was talking to me, but I just ignored him. The bratwurst vendor's eyes got really big and he looked at me with a look like "didn't you just hear what he said?", moving his head to point out the kid that had just walked by. I looked at him and said "I don't take stupid people like that seriously." I really felt bad about calling the guy stupid, but I really just sort of blew the whole thing off.
When you are in the process of reinventing yourself and you have persevered through what I have the past few years, I just couldn't take him seriously. He doesn't know the first thing about me, he was simply ignorant. I don't get my identity from my weight, or any superficial aspect of myself. I have my identity in that I love God and am actively trying to live in a way that honors him. Why would I believe the opinion of any person that has never met me, spoken to me or tried to understand who I am or why I am how I am. I am confident in who I am, and I actually really like who I am (even though there is still a lot I need to change) and any other negativity, I have learned to disregard. In the train a few minutes later, I just started smiling, thinking of all the ways God has blessed my life. I felt really sorry for that kid. I prayed for God to help him out in whatever areas he is struggling that he doesn't know how to love. I really hope God moves in his heart powerfully.
Generally, I have decided to ignore negativity in my life. If anyone comes to me and points out something (even if they don't do it in a loving way), I always try to listen, because I believe that people generally wouldn't say anything unless they believed there was a hint of truth in it. That's not what I'm referring to. I have to stand before God one day to justify how I lived my life, and I will do my best to explain to Him why I make the decisions I did, but in the end, they are my responsibility before God. So are yours. If I'm in sin, please show me my fault. If you can back it up with scripture, then you will very likely win me over. If it's matter of opinion or a "disputable matter", I will still listen to you but I may or may not change it.
I have also been super encouraged by my new roommates. When I moved in, they had just made some rice krispie treats, which is hard to make here because some of the ingredients are somewhat difficult to find. They have cooked for me, and ask me frequently ask me to join them for dinner. One of them even offers to throw some of my laundry in with theirs because they don't want to do a half load. We have had some great talks and it's been super encouraging to live here.
Also, this week, I have been doing some training for a company, in the hopes that they will hire me on for a call center job. I really enjoy it a lot and am learning a ton. I'm very grateful for the opportunity and could use your continued prayers for it to turn into employment for me.
Also as I got up this morning and was getting ready to leave the house, I saw this amazing sunrise. After going to bed last night discouraged and frustrated, and had a hard time falling asleep. I was able to get a little extra sleep and then saw the sunrise from God. I believe that he knows what's going on my life, and that he is going through them with me. Scott preached on that this week. Super encouraging.
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| Sunrise from my balcony this morning. Wish my camera took better pics... |
Well, I have not gotten a lot of sleep the past few nights and it's 6:30pm and I'm already ready for bed. I probably won't be going to bed for a while, but I'm definitely tired enough to crash right now!
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