The last couple days have been very encouraging and today started off great, but at this particular moment I am super frustrated and feeling defeated. The things I'm dealing with are not the end of the world, but I've been battling so much that I just feel drained, ineffective and done. I'm not giving up yet, but I am sure tempted right now.
When I left Spokane, in faith, I sold most everything I had (excluding my home and a few items of minimal value) to be able to come to Germany, following what I still believe to be a very clear indication from God that this is where he wants me to be. The money from the sale of my possessions was to be able to keep me going for a couple months while I looked for a job. Unfortunately, that money is gone now and I just don't know what to do. I have only about 3 weeks to find a job before I have to go back to the states or I have to ask for an extension to stay longer. Either way, I am out of money. I'm stuck.
Everything here in Berlin has been so amazing. The brothers and sisters in the church have been so willing to help me out, have befriended me, have encouraged me and have been extremely generous. I hate being the needy one, I like to be the generous one, but I'm at a spot where there is nothing more I can do.
I had my first telephone interview today and honestly I don't think it went as well as I wanted it to, but I also don't think it went horribly either. I was trying to think of a word in German and it just never came to me. I don't think I was very effective at answering some of the questions they asked me. Once again, I don't think I butchered it, but it wasn't a great interview for me either (in my opinion). Ugh.
I won't bore you with all the details, but this whole experience has been a lot more expensive than I imagined. Not to mention an underhanded landlord that essentially stole $400 from me, and that some of the expenses I had before I left Spokane were more than I expected (a LOT more actually). So here's the thing that I hoped I would never have to do, ask for monetary help.... Ugh. I hate this... Anyway, I don't even know how to ask, but if anyone is willing to donate anything, and I mean even $5 will help right now, I would be eternally grateful. If you want to send anything, you can just send it to me via Paypal to: timmorse@outlook.com. I'm so sorry to even have to ask, but I just don't know how to proceed at this point any more. I'll post more later, but I think for now I just need to go pray...
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Well I did get out of the house for a bit and did pray as well, kinda. I talk a lot on here about the great things that are happening for me and there are a LOT of really great things. I AM very grateful to be here. I do love this city and its people, I am growing and changing. I know God is going to bless me, he promises us that he will take care of us...
Right now, my problem is that I'm tired. I'm just tired of being broke. I'm tired of having to work so hard and have so little come out of it in the way of money I can spend. The last few years have been at times extremely difficult physically and financially and I'm tired of having suffered so much and worked so hard. I just want my life to move forward. I'm tired of waiting and waiting and waiting. I'm tired of every dime I have going out the door to some other urgent thing that needs to be done. I believe I've done all this with the right heart. I've gotten lots of advice and prayed and things still seem all messed up. I'm confused and frustrated and I just want a job. That's all, just something I can do where I can serve people and take home a paycheck. In the process maybe help some people come to know God. I'm committed to that cause, I've sold nearly everything to that end. I know I have to wait for God's timing, but I'm tired.
I love God and I have no intention of stopping what I'm doing, slowing down or being driven off course. God has given me great hope and Satan is not happy about the positive things in my life. I may be totally wrong by writing and thinking and feeling these things, but that is where I'm at right now. I know there are so many people praying for me, sincerely, thank you all for your prayers. I know they are extremely meaningful to God and to my life. I'll be fine and tomorrow is a new day. I try to keep a positive spirit, but sometimes I just need to get things off my chest. I'm not a fake person, quite the opposite. Most of the time you can see in my face EXACTLY how I'm feeling -- good or bad. I haven't been fake in this blog, but these are some of the other things that are going on in my heart.
This is me, how I truly am. I hope that you understand my heart for God. I don't believe this lessens my love for him at all, but I just reach a point where I don't think I could walk another step, add one thing to the list, deal with one more disappointment. Thanks for letting me share some of the deeper things with you tonight. Good night, tomorrow is a new day.... Amen!!!!...
(Tomorrow or the next day, I'll take some time to share my amazing weekend with you.)
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