Just Struggling

I have always tried to be positive and upbeat, not only on this blog, but also in my daily life.  I feel I have been grateful for what I have and not fake, but I just need to really be honest about some things that have been taking root in my heart.

First of all, I would just like to say that this has been one of the most meaningful and rewarding times in my life.  I have been living my dream, in a place I absolutely love, reacquainting myself with a city that never fails to amaze me, with a God that is completely faithful.  I have had everything I have needed, and I am truly grateful and humbled by the amount of love and generosity I have experienced from God and the people here. I would trade the last nearly 5 months for anything.

With that said, the reality of my situation is causing deep anxiety.  On the outside, as I said, I am trying to be faithful, patient and really putting my trust in God.  I am absolutely confident of that.  This process has also revealed some things in my character that have really challenged me.  I also have a new appreciation for Satan.  I know that sounds weird, but hang in there with me while I explain.

When I left Spokane I was doing pretty well spiritually.  Honestly, it was hard to gauge because I had been in survival mode a bit while I was busy working on my house, selling stuff, etc.  But I think overall I was doing well.  I have also mentioned in previous posts about the struggle between good and evil. You will see this when you try to lose weight and seemingly every possible temptation is vying for you to give in to that piece of cake or a cookie, or "just a little something".  Right?  Paul said it best in Rom 7:15-23:

I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do.  And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.  As it is, it is no longer myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.  I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.  For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing.  Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.  So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.  For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.

What I have been experiencing here has been that very principle, but to a much larger extent.  I still believe my heart is to do the right thing.  I still believe I came here because God called me.  But I'm struggling. A lot. Satan knows just where to hit me.  I am having some great spiritual victories in my life and he has just been attacking me relentlessly in the areas of my character that are the weakest.  He's a crafty devil, and knows just how to discourage me and to lead me away from the pack, where I am the most vulnerable.

I feel weak right now.  All my bills are past due at home except my mortgage and 2nd mortgage. I have no money to live on and have to continually ask for help.  I haven't worked in 7 months and its driving me crazy. I want to work, I want to be a contributing part of society.  I hate being bored and not doing anything.  But that is my lot right now.

I want to ask for some specific prayers.  I know God is stronger than my struggles and Satan's influence, but I feel physically and spiritually week.  Please pray for strength for me and for my relationship with God.  I am still working to find a job, but with every passing day it gets harder. Please pray for me to be faithful and strong, but I am weak now and I need you all and your prayers more than ever.

On a positive note, I had two interviews on Wednesday.  Frankly I was not very hopeful about either, but I went and tried my very best.  The first one was communicated by a dear friend and I thought it went well, and apparently so did the interviewers.  I am hopeful about this one, so please pray for God's will on that one.

Also, last night, I was just feeling tired and burdened from the job search and all the stuff that's been weighing on my heart.  I decided instead of going home extra early, that I would take a bike ride out to Templehofer Feld.  This is a very large park not too far from where I hang out at the library.  You may even know this place because it used to be the main airport in Berlin, Templehof Airport.  I would post pictures, but of course my camera did not want to cooperate.  Hopefully another time.

Ever since I started learning German back in 1985 in Virginia, I remember having a chapter in our book on Berlin.  It introduced us to many of the main tourist and historical attractions in Berlin, and this is one of those places I remember from that time.  I remember even in history class learning of how the Russians blocked the main roads into Berlin in 1948, 3 years after the war, to force the city to essentially become reliant on them, this was known as the Berlin Blockade.  But the allies decided to fly in food and supplies to the city to keep them alive and running. They needed to airlift a million pounds of supplies into the city EVERY DAY to keep people from starving or freezing. In just over a year, the allies flew 278,228 flights into the city, that's nearly 700 flights a day.  If running 24 hours a day, that would be a flight every two minutes. In all, these flights brought 5 billion pounds of food, coal and supplies to the city. (Info per wikipedia article)

As a teenager, I remember being so blown away by this.  When I was here in '86 and '92, I wanted to spend time there, but the airport was still a US Air Force base, and I really had no way of getting on either time.  Now, that I actually have access to it, what a treat!!!

It was a perfect evening last night as I ambled my way through the streets to get there. There was a breeze but the temperature was about 70-75.  Skies were clear and I stayed until the sun began to set.  There were thousands of people there, but it's so large it only seemed like a few.  Some people wer having barbecues, some playing volleyball or tennis, most walking, running or riding there bikes, and a few of the lucky ones were skate-sailing.  I don't know if that's the actual term for it, but essentially dudes are riding around on skateboards with large kite/sails and with the stiff breeze, looked like a blast!  I need to try that sometime!

So, I stopped to get my sunglasses out of my backpack, and just then, Katja called me. So, we decided to meet and we went to get a bite to eat.  We went to a restaurant and I tore up a chicken.  It was really good.  Katja already ate, so she just had some coffee.  All in all, a really great evening.  With everything going on, I really needed it.

Also, Connections library is back open for business for the Fall.  I CANT believe it's September already!!!  Anyway, Larry just got back from the states two days ago and all is getting back to abnormal.  Teri and Mindy have been making all kinds of changes and the place really looks fantastic.

Well, as usual, I wrote significantly more than I expected.  Have a great weekend and I'll keep everyone updated on the job front.  Until the next time...