Making Adult Decisions is Haaaaaaard......

Okay, so the title is a little juvenile.  I think it's funny.

There are those pivotal times in your life where you wonder, was that God speaking to me, or am I just crazy?  Did I make the right decision?  Then, I agonize over whether I should have done this, or not done that, to the point where it can actually drive you a little bit crazy.  Then you second-guess yourself and ask "What was I thinking????".

Today could be one of those days that I do that...  I guess I don't know right now, and only time will really tell.  Out of someone's pure and incredible generosity, I was given an opportunity that sounded really encouraging and promising, but from the moment the idea was given to me, my spirit was very troubled.  I'm a very sensitive person (even though I have kind of a tough shell sometimes, ha!) and I think I'm usually pretty in touch with things.  Not always, but generally speaking, I think this is a true statement.

I figuratively had an opportunity on the table, right in front of me.  I didn't have a lot of information at the beginning, but was able to ask some questions later to get some more clarity, hoping that maybe I was missing something. Once I had the information I felt I needed to make a decision, I agonized, fretted, worried, second-guessed myself, and didn't want to pass up the opportunity.  Any opportunity!

I turned it down.

It was one of those decisions that I agonized over, that tore me apart to even have to tell the person "No, thanks."  I am learning a lot about my character and because of the intensity of my situation and impact things have on my life right now and on my future, some of the decisions I'm having to make are very big ones.  I don't take these decisions lightly and I believe that whatever I decide, that God can still use me and my situation for my benefit and for the benefit of others as well.  Unfortunately for me this morning, I noticed that I was numb.  Let's just say that's not a good sign for me. After I finally decided I needed to listen to my troubled spirit and make that decision, the question became, "Now, how am I going to communicate this to the person in a grateful and loving way?"

Since I have rediscovered writing, especially through this blog, I figured I had better write an email because I just wasn't able to come up with the spoken word to somehow decline the incredibly generous and loving offer. I wrote the email and read it over a few times just to be sure. I hit the send button, no taking it back now... Shortly thereafter, I got a response full of grace and love from this person, and I have tremendous peace that I did the proper thing.

I suspect at some point I'll think I am the craziest person in the world for doing this. Hopefully I'll be able to look back on this blog post and remember why I made the decision that I did.

So for now, I go on, still looking for that miracle.  Even if it doesn't happen here in Berlin, God is still there beside me, cheering me on. I know I might be crazy, but only time will really tell.  Whether here or the U.S. or Timbuktu, this would not be the end of my journey, just a really great chapter in the book of my life, one that I know I will look back on and be incredibly thankful for.