"Recalculating"

Well this sure has been an interesting ride.  Finally got the official "no" on the job today so that means I need to think/rethink how to proceed from here. My residence permit expires today which means as of tomorrow I am technically not supposed to be in Germany any more.  I really want to be respectful of the laws of this country, because if I do, in fact, have to leave, that I will have the opportunity to return.  I went to the Foreigners Registration office today to find out if I have any options, told them my exact situation, and she said to come in on Thursday again, or I would just need to leave the country.

There is a fine line I need to recognize here.  Where do I give up or give in?  How far is too far? Am I trying to take control again?  These are questions that I am agonizing over at the moment, because I have so much at stake.  I know God sees my situation and he knows exactly what I need.  I believe this is just another test to see if I will continue to trust, even if it means having to return to the states.  Before I felt like this would be confirmation of failure, but I don't see it that way any more.  In fact, looking back over the last six months, I would say this time was an incredible victory in my life, and one of the most profound and challenging experiences of my life.

What is failure?  I believe that failure is not learning from your mistakes and quitting.  Notice, I didn't say "making" mistakes, it's not learning from them that is failure.  I have had to push through so many feelings, had to ignore a lot of negativity, had to endure countless faithless statements by well-meaning people, that I tried not to let interfere with my faith that God will bring me through it.  Well, he did, and so did I.  Without the test of time, it's difficult to say which things I should have listened to and which were okay to ignore or not let affect me. It's a tough call to make right now in the middle of it.

I have also experienced the love and generosity of so many people that accepted me completely and with open arms, that have helped me to learn that I really can rely on others.  God has been refining my character (sometimes by fire, or at least it seems...) to very deep levels. He has exposed things in my heart that I never even knew were there.  It has forced me to rely on him more than I ever have before. Much more. I have built great friendships here that I will always hold close to my heart, and that will hurt if I have to say good-bye to them.

I have battled my own demons and learned a lot about myself during this time.  Along with the bad stuff, I have also learned very good things about me. One thing I have learned is that I am very interested in ministry work.  There is a saying that if you love what you do, you'll never work another day in your life.  Whereas that is mostly true, I really think ministry is what fulfills me the most, makes me happy and the ability to impact someone's life in a real and powerful way is extremely attractive to me. That is what I love, that is what I want to do with my life and my days here on earth.

So there are a few things that could still keep me here. Once again, not sure if they are my trying to regain control, or if I am just doing everything I can to stay...  There's a fine line between the two, honestly I am not sure where that line is exactly...  Either way, I think I see the writing on the wall, so to speak.  I think it might just be time for me to go back to the US.  The idea does not sit particularly well with me, but that's my problem.  I want to do what's right and what God wants from me. I want to make sure I'm not holding on too tightly.  If God wants me to return to Germany, he will make it clear.

I do have peace about something, too, which only in the past couple of days has become clear to me. I believe have finished what I have come here for.  What does that mean exactly? I believe that I have proven to myself that I have a heart for the ministry and others have told me they see it as well.  I enjoy speaking (not a big revelation to people that know me and readers of this blog, LOL) and would like to do more speaking.  I don't know what my future holds, but I believe that God might actually be showing me that I may have some strengths in these areas.  I'm very excited and encouraged about that.

I will admit, yesterday was not a good day for me. Thanks for everyone that called and texted, and sorry that I did not respond to all of them, but I was just not in a good frame of mind yesterday. I reached that point of sheer and utter disappointment.  Disappointment in myself, firstly; and secondly struggling with not understanding God's plan in all of this.  I still don't, but I do still believe that God is still as close as ever, that he will bless my sacrifice and all that he has allowed me to do and become here. I have a lot to grow in, but I am excited about what opportunities I will have back in the US.  It looks like, at this time, most likely I will be returning to Seattle.  Not 100% sure yet, but might be the best situation for me short-term...

Well, that's enough for now, need to get to our midweek devotional. I am hanging out with the campus group tonight, so it should be fun and interesting.  Have a great week!