Good evening from Schöneberg (Berlin)! I am writing to you from the library tonight because I think I'm going to leave my laptop here tonight and just come back in the morning to continue my job search. May do that all week actually, just one less thing to have to move.
I'm not sure what I want to name this post, but I'll share with you a little bit what's going on in my life, my mind and in my heart. I'll work on the title once I've finished putting down my thoughts here...
So, ever since I had my residence permit renewed on the 10th (Thank you, God!!), I have been feeling a lot of different things and I am not sure I have completely come to terms with what all this means. So this post is to help me sort through some of these issues. This is one of the things I love about writing, it's not only therapeutic, informational for you, but it helps me to sort out all the things that sometimes just seem to get jumbled up in my head so that I can have clear(er) direction in what needs to happen next.
First of all, I have noticed something in my character lately. This whole experience has been so amazing. I definitely feel like it has been such a gift from God. I'm so blown away with how he has blessed it, met my every need and given me incredible friendships in the relatively short time I have been here. The fact of the matter is that it has caused some pride in me. It has come out in conversations with people and even in posts on facebook. I'm sorry for that if I have treated any of you that way. I pray for your forgiveness.
I feel like God really believes in me, which is inconceivable to me.... But I look at my current situation and still have mixed feelings. In some ways I have compared my situation to those of some of those in the Bible. I look at Paul's challenges, which were far greater than mine are, but have taken some pride that God believes that I can handle them (with his help, of course) and that I actually have the ability to be successful in them as well. That makes me happy.
I was writing an email message to a friend today and I wrote the words, "I am able to stay in Germany...". I know this is going to sound weird, but I looked at that sentence and was still just blown away by the fact that I am even here. 20 years being away from this place I love is like being 20 years away from family. God has planted Germany so deeply in my heart, it's super humbling to know that I am actually here. I say to my shame that it's become a little bit routine seeing the things that I see and doing the things I do every day. I have certainly learned a lot about myself, about trusting and having complete faith in God, but it's been a very hard-fought battle. But I've grown and have friends that help me to have perspective on what God has done for me and through me here. For that I'm incredibly grateful today.
The last few days have been especially tumultuous in my heart. Battling my demons, fatigue and physical pain in my body (I have slept 2 months on a very soft bed which is wreaking havoc on my back and neck mostly) on top of the emotional stress with my last bout with the Foreigners Authority, have left me very weary and exhausted both physically and mentally. Additionally, I currently live about an hour from pretty much everywhere I usually go and my living situation is relatively challenging, generally speaking.
Please don't misunderstand me. I am extremely grateful for the generosity of Thomas and Jared, but one thing about where I currently live is that it is fairly chaotic. I don't do well with chaos. At All. I don't want this to sound like a complaint, if anything it is more of a confession. I am very grateful to have a roof over my head, but the apartment where I live has undergone what seems to be a partial renovation (ie: unfinished) and the room I stay in is filled with my stuff and stuff that belongs to my flatmate. I am living out of suitcases and the room is generally chaotic and messy. So I do try to clean the apartment regularly, but usually doesn't last too long. I tend to do most if not all of the cleaning in the apartment (again, not a big deal because they are gracious enough to let me stay there free). The apartment building is also right in the final approaches to Tegel Airport, so planes are flying in and out, only about 500 feet above the house and they are quite loud. I've drowned out the sound by now a bit, but it is still another kind of "noise" in my mind.
I'm saying all this because I don't feel like home is the place of peace and rest I want (except to sleep). It's hard to get comfortable there and I think that has worn on me a bit over the past two months. I wanted to be open about these things as a bit of confession but also so that you understand a bit more what my life here is like.
I am supposed to move in about 40 hours and, as of now, I still don't even have the address of my new place. I have to be honest, this is starting to add more stress to an already busy and challenging week. I believe God is just seeing if I am going to trust him or if I am going to try to take control again. There's a very fine balance there somewhere that I am trying to figure out.
The other thing, and I mentioned this in one of my previous posts, I am struggling to know how to continue on with my job search. Do I continue to flood the market with applications to hotels, which, so far, has produced nothing but rejections? Should I do better with follow-up? Do I try something altogether different? If so, then what? Is there something more I can do in my relationship with God? How can I continue to keep my faith up after so many denials? How can I spend more time with God through all this, despite spending even more time getting around? I'm sure there are a thousand other possible questions I could ask, but I'll struggle with these few for now. I am, however, open to any input from any of you reading this blog... Please feel free to comment on here or send me an email or facebook me if you're my friend on there.
This morning, I got together with a brother and just had to get open. I'm really struggling with all of these things right now. I have tried to be so faithful during this whole process (and in many ways, have fallen way short). I have sacrificed, worked incredibly hard for incredibly long, and I still have not seen God bless the literally thousands, if not tens-of-thousands, of prayers that we have all prayed for my situation. I just don't understand this. As I sat with this brother this morning, I just opened up to him how much I am struggling with why God has not blessed all these prayers for a job, why he is allowing me to get so far behind on my bills that could have some very far reaching effects if they don't get taken care of soon, etc. He showed me the scripture that says that God will not give us anything we cannot handle. I looked at that verse and just broke down in tears. I told the brother, I'm not sure I believe that right now. He encouraged me and read me some other scriptures that brought me back around. We prayed together and I cried out to God for help and for that miracle I have been waiting and praying for.
The reality is that I see God doing some very specific things to give me hope, like having my residence permit extended, provided a roof over my head, food in my stomach and even the ability to buy some necessary winter clothing, etc. God has been incredibly giving to me and I just need to weather this storm, but I have to be careful to really let him be in control, not just to grit my teeth and power through. I want to be able to do it with peace.
Please pray for me to renew my confidence in God and for him to bless me with something very soon. My situation is getting serious and I really need to move forward. I think my new living situation will be very good for me, I'm looking forward to having a place to call "home", where I can hang out with someone who also has a spiritual mindset, maybe be able to read the Bible together, pray together or even just chill out and pop some popcorn and put in a movie, I really miss being able to do that. It's those little things we take for granted sometimes.
There are times that I think I must be crazy, then I remember what God has done to bring me to this point. Even in the Bible, faith doesn't always "make sense" in the traditional sense. The thing I'm realizing is that despite this, I am trying to balance being responsible and independent with being humble enough to ask for help. This seems to be a recurring theme in my life here. I want so desperately to be able to work again. I miss working (even though it's also been nice to have a break). I enjoy working and giving back to society.
I have been able to work a couple hours a week filling in for an English teacher/tutor at a small school. It's been really cool to work with pre-teen and teen students, helping them. What great kids! A few hours of work per week is great, but it is unfortunately not enough to live on. I'm very grateful to have the opportunity though, I've really enjoyed it.
I have to share one thing that happened to me today. At the library today, I was sharing with a woman I have known since shortly after I arrived here about how I am starting to feel a bit impatient. Something in the moment and the conversation made me laugh so hard. She said essentially that maybe God is just saying "Wait for it..... Wait for it......... BAM!" The way she said it and in the context of the conversation made me just about fall over laughing. I'm sure it'll be obvious when the "bam" moment has arrived.
In one of my very early posts after arriving here, I wrote about the dog in the woman's bicycle basket. The dog didn't know where it was going, it just knew it was with it's owner and settled down and didn't worry about what was going to happen next, to just enjoy the ride. I need to remember that even though I do have to do some work on my end, God is ultimately get me there safely. I need to just enjoy being with my heavenly dad and enjoy the time that I am having here.
I know one day I will look back at these posts with my 20/20 hindsight and be like, "Wow, look what God brought me through." For now, I battle on, trying to love and trust the greatest thing in the universe and to serve and love the people of Berlin.
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