(Tonight's blog is going to be a compilation of random thoughts and events that I have been experiencing lately. I hope it will be coherent, but I can't promise it will flow perfectly. Just going through some of the challenges and things that have been memorable in the last couple weeks since I last posted, so bear with me.)
It's interesting being back. I say interesting because as you all may know, it was not really my ideal situation to return to the states. All my concerns have been confirmed, however I do have to admit that as hard as it has been, it could have actually been much worse. First of all I just want to thank my mom, who has been so generous in letting me use her car and has helped me in every way she can. She knows how much I have on my plate right now and she has really tried hard to help me out. Thank you so much, I love you!!!
Some of the major stresses in my life are still there, but they are (I believe anyway) getting better. There have been huge hurdles to overcome, things that really challenge my character to the core. They have made me fight to be godly in the midst of adversity and to hold on God and other people more than ever. I have come to appreciate being around other people of faith more and more, and to be around them every chance I get. If you live with other christians, near other christians and live near your church (I live 30 miles from my church), then I would encourage you to count that as a blessing. Living so far away from people and not having much money for gas, makes me look forward to have those things as blessings in my life again.
I really don't believe my dream to be in Germany is dead. I don't know what God's timing is, but I am faithful that this time of being here could very well just be a test to see how much I am willing to continue to believe in him and in that dream. I just cannot discount all the prayers God has answered and miracles he has done for me in this process, as well as for the dream itself.
I have had to fight through so many things that might otherwise discourage me or derail me. That's not to say that I have not at times felt very discouraged and frustrated with those things, but it's more about remembering the things he has shown me, while Satan tries to steal those things away through so many challenges and distractions. I have good days and bad days and I know there will likely be more challenges to come. The goal is to be faithful and to never give up. I have to be honest, though. Had I known how hard this would be, I am not sure if I would have had the courage to start. Now I feel very invested in this dream and feel it's too late to turn back. What if this dream would mean that more people could become Christians? What if it means that more Christians could become even better Christians? This scares me because I've seen the challenges already... But I feel confident that God will still be there with me, supporting me in all the ways I need it. Giving me the people and assets to help me, his loving me, challenging me and making me stronger through challenging times.
With all that said, the truth of the matter is that it has been one month as of yesterday since I arrived back here in the US. I miss Berlin and the friends I made there so much. Sometimes I try not to think about it too much because it overwhelms me, makes me feel sad because I miss the friends and that amazing city and culture. God willing, I will return to you....
One of the biggest challenges for me is that I went from a huge vibrant city to a small town on the very farthest edge of the Seattle suburbs. That's okay, but it has been a huge adjustment. Being with family is often good but can also be challenging at times. I don't have some of the privacy and flexibility that I have become accustomed to (wi-fi at home, for example). I hate not being independent at the moment.
As a result of these challenges I have noticed that I have started to eat unhealthy and I can tell that I am starting to gain weight again. I haven't been getting as much exercise as I did in Germany and that is part of it. I would like to join a gym, but just don't have the money for it, so I have to try to come up with another solution. I have also been getting time with brothers by phone, Skype and in person when I can. It's really hard to start my life all over again, but things get better every day, so I do feel hopeful. It's just hard...
So there have been a few encouraging things that have happened, and to most, they may not seem like much, but to me they are significant steps forward. Yesterday, I bought some shelves to start organizing the books and things that had begun to stack up around the house. I don't have a lot of stuff, but there was no place to put it, so now I can clean up my room a bit. I also got a phone two weeks ago and am so excited to be able to call, text and even go online anywhere I'm at, and not just rely on a home phone. A sister in the church here gave me my very first smart phone which made it very inexpensive for me to get it up and running. I'm extremely grateful for that.
Two weeks ago, I decided to have my laptop re-imaged. We determined that I had lost all the information in Windows and was probably irretrievable. So, I bought a new hard drive (got a killer deal on it) and he did all the installations for free for me. I was so grateful for that, too. Despite that, I lost a ton of information, music, photos and very important documents that I may never be able to duplicate or re-create. Not ideal, but don't have much choice, I guess.
Last Saturday night, I went to a meeting for a new bible talk group that is wanting to form. It was encouraging to have dinner and discuss the new group. In the 1 - 2 hours that we were there, it snowed about an inch. Now, in Spokane this would have been no big deal. I owned an all-wheel drive vehicle and wouldn't have been a challenge. But with my mom's car (which I am unfamiliar with how it drives in the snow) and living in a very hilly environment, I was feeling somewhat less than confident in getting home safely. There is a very steep hill in the last mile or so coming home and I decided to go for it, and hit the hill with a good running start and got to the top of it with no problems. Thank God there was nobody stuck on the hill because I would not have been able to make it to the top if there was!
Due to the snow, I was unfortunately unable to make it to church on Sunday. I really missed getting time with other disciples and since there was no midweek service last week, I went 8 days without it. On Tuesday night, I did get some time with a brother who is a great encouragement to me. He's recovering from a surgery so it was good to get some time with him. Friday night we had a Valentine's dinner at a sister's place and I cooked some lasagna but there was a lot more food there. Some of us played games and some of us watched movies until after midnight. It was fun and I was grateful to get some hang out time with others!
Last week I went to the Everett library to get some work done on my book. I sat next to the windows overlooking the Puget Sound and was starting to make some progress when someone sat down across from me (I was in a study carrel) and I think the guy was taking some kind of drugs. Two minutes after he left another couple sat in the same place and I'm pretty sure they were doing the same. I did get about 1400 words written, but ended up having to move to get away from that area of the library! That was a new experience for me and I have started going to a different library....
I also had to contact creditors this week to discuss some accounts that are past due. I've always had good credit, but now I'm having to humbly look at my situation and just accept that I can't do anything to change it right now, but I will take care of it! I took one day to do the majority of the calls and it was very emotionally challenging. I'm glad I spoke to all of them though so I can start getting all that under control again. It was tough, but it feels good to find out exactly where things stand.
The last two nights we have had some pretty major storms come through here. We have had very strong winds yesterday and a ton of rain and wind tonight. We lost power for about 2 hours last night, and thank goodness we haven't lost power yet today. It sounds like it has calmed down a lot now, so hopefully it will be a quiet night.
So finally tonight, I am very encouraged. I feel like God is on the verge of doing something. I think this is the week that I will get a job. I hope to have a car soon as well (by the grace of God), but I don't know how that will work yet. Either way, I feel like things are going to start happening. Whatever happens, I do still need your prayers just for my situation and to continue to be happy despite challenging circumstances. I have started a study on the apostle Paul, and one of the things he said I appreciate so much. In Phillipians 4:12-13, he says
"I know what it is to be in want, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
I feel very challenged by this attitude. Do you know what it really means to be in want? I think that most Americans really cannot relate with this. I'm not sure I can truly relate with this either, but I am starting to understand it a bit. Thanks to Paul for his incredible example of sacrifice that we can be inspired to imitate!
So I leave you on that note. Thank you for all your support and prayers. There is much more to say, but it's late and I need to get to bed soon. Have a great week everyone and think of me this week as I hope to have work soon!
