It's definitely been a great day, but it has also been emotionally challenging. I woke up this morning and the first thing I see on facebook is that my Spokane mom finally succumbed to cancer. I'm an emotional person to start off with, but the sadness was just too much for me to take and I cried deeply for my amazing friend. I'll miss you, Chris. Thank you for being such a great example!
After a few hours, I was able to pull myself together and get out of the house so that I didn't sit here all day just being sad. I'm really glad I did, too. Got a chance to meet up with a brother and just share how I was feeling, sharing the sorrow and just having a great talk about everything. I've definitely been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately, lots of challenges, lots of things to accomplish, lots of prayers that need to be prayed.
All in all, my life is actually pretty good right now. All my needs are taken care of. There are annoyances and inconveniences, but I'm trying to just stay thankful for what God has given me. Today, a brother generously offered to help me be able to buy some shoes, because my old ones were just simply starting to fall apart. The soles were coming off, they were wearing really unevenly in the back so I was walking funny on them, etc. So we went to this shoe store today and we found these really cool shoes, they were 60% off the original price and the brother said that the price was good. They are Gore-Tex and very cool looking and I can use them around town and even to do some light hiking too. I'm very blessed to have such generous people in my life. Thank you, you know who you are.
Also tonight, because of Chris passing, I asked some people if they would be willing to hang out for a while with me so I didn't have to come home and be by myself tonight. So, the amazing Katja, Matthias and Jürgen met me at a restaurant and we had a really fun time. Well, most of it was fun anyway. You see, a couple really interesting things happened not long after Katja and had joined me.
So I took a drink and realized there was something in it. It was moving and quickly realized what it was (hold on to your hats here folks). I spit out my beer, a wasp, and small bits of bread all over the table and unfortunately Katja got a bit of it as well. I didn't just spit once, I spit like THREE times, but not before the wasp stung me on the inside of my mouth. I was horrified. Mortified. Concerned. Katja looked at me and asked me what was wrong, I explained to her that there was a bee in my beer (she later corrected me that it was a wasp. Sheesh) and that I was pretty sure it had stung me. She looked at me with sheer horror in her eyes. She asked me if we should do something. I said I don't know. I'm not allergic to bees or wasps that I know of and waited a bit to see if anything started swelling up. I would give periodic updates as to the pain or whatever was happening, but thank God it only hurt for a while and at worst was just a throbbing pain. I don't think the stinger got stuck.
But the fun was not nearly over yet. Shortly thereafter, the waiter was delivering a full tray of drinks to the table right behind us. I realized he was very close to me so I figured I should move my chair forward to give him some room. As I did so, I didn't realize that he had put one foot under my chair, so when I went to move forward, one of the legs landed RIGHT on the tip of his toe. I was horrified. This was approximately 3 minutes after I got stung inside my mouth by the wasp. On top of everything else that has been going on in my life lately, I was just trying to not completely lose my mind in that moment. Poor Katja, all she could do is just watch the proverbial train wreck that was happening in front of her. That waiter deserves a medal, I don't think he spilled one drop of any of those drinks, even though he confided to me later that it hurt. A LOT. I explained to him that I felt terrible about it, and that just prior to that happening, I got stung by the wasp in my beer. He was pretty dumbfounded as well and offered to let us move to another table. We thanked him, but declined and tried to enjoy the rest of our dinner.
I got home and was still feeling a bit down about the loss of Chris. I sent a message on facebook to my great amazing friend Lori and asked if she wanted to Skype. She agreed and we spent nearly an hour and 20 minutes just catching up and talking about Chris and what's all going on in our lives. Lori and Chris were very close and Lori and I are as well, so she was the perfect person for me to talk to tonight about everything I was going through. I'm so grateful for such a great friend that I have in that sister. Thanks for taking the time to let me grieve with you tonight, I really needed it!
On that note, I need to get to bed, it's been a good but really exhausting day and I need to get some rest. Thanks for all your support and love, I am so grateful for all of you. Make sure to hug the people you love, because tomorrow is not a given. Much love to all of you from Berlin.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
A Tribute
I woke up this morning to find out you had finally passed. My heart is broken that you're no longer here, but I am so glad your pain is gone, that there are no more tears or struggles or cares for you. My tears and my pain will get better with time, I know, but I hope the memory of knowing you will never fade.
You were such a rock, Chris, I will always remember the times we just sat around and talked, laughed and had a great time. I was so encouraged by your wisdom, great sense of humor and your love for others, and your courage and strength as you faced the biggest challenge of your life, cancer. You always want to hope that you would survive such an ordeal, but in your case, God wanted to bring you home to be with him.
I'm a better person for knowing you and the world was a better place because you were here. You will be loved and missed by so many on this earth, and I can't wait to see you again on the other side. Thank you for your love, friendship and so many dear memories, to my Spokane mom. Thank you for adopting me into your amazing family as a 39-year old! I know it was an honorary thing, but I was honored. I will miss you with all my heart, my dear friend. You made it, you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your soul.
In all this, you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so the proven genuineness of your faith -- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire -- may result in praise, honor and glory when Christ Jesus is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love(d) him; and even though you do not see him ... you believe(d) in him and [were] filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Pet 1:6-9 (with slight changes for Chris)
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
My Reality Check Bounced
God has been so good to me lately. I wish I could say I have been the same back to him. Sometimes there is so much going on in your life and in your heart and mind that it's not really possible to process it all or to understand it. Sometimes we don't always know how we are feeling, and even when we do, we often don't know why we are feeling a certain way or doing the things we are doing.
I have been struggling a lot lately the last 4 or 5 days and I just don't know why I'm feeling the way I do. I have been feeling down I think partially because I just don't understand what's going on in my head and my heart. It's making me a bit crazy not knowing what to change to make my situation and or even just my emotions better.
I was just sharing with someone on facebook who is going through some struggles as well. We'll call them "First World Problems". Now, this term has popped up fairly recently and I think is appropriate. It sort of reminds us that our, as the Bible calls them, "light and momentary troubles" 2 Cor. 4:17 are not the end of the world, and that often the only thing they impact is our own comfort. However, they can and do still impact us, and are still challenges we have to face and overcome. Especially if we have a number of them hitting at the same time, it can feel overwhelming, even humbling or discouraging. This is how God tests our hearts for him, if we trust him and if we believe that he knows everything that happens to us. Our reaction to these tests show God how much we really love him.
In the same way, we don't always know what others are going through, that is why it's really hard to judge people. This is one of the reasons that the Bible talks a lot about judging others in Romans 2. Some people have had to endure deaths of family members, emotional or physical or even sexual abuse, challenging job situations, divorce, separation, a house full of teenagers (right, parents?), relationship issues, money problems, health problems, etc. Each person has their own journey and you will never understand someone's story just by looking at their faces for 5 seconds as you try to pigeonhole them (ie: they're fat, she's unattractive, he's arrogant, etc., you get idea).
I'm overweight, I know I'm overweight, but my weight is not who I am. You and I should not get our identity from the outward things that other people can see. I get my identity from doing the things that I know are right, treating people respectfully and lovingly and having a relationship with God. I don't expect that everyone is not going to judge me because I am overweight, however if you get to know me and you still don't realize there's more to me than the fact that I'm an obese 43 year old, graying, balding man, then the problem does not lie in my fat or the amount, or color, of my hair.
I used to get my identity from my well-paying job, the fact that I owned a house, having a nicer car to drive and basically living a life as most of the world does. If you look at my life now and you see that everything I own in Germany can be fit into one car, you might think of me differently from the way I see myself. I have found that living out Christianity takes way more thought than I ever realized before. So much disciplined thinking, not seeing people for how they look, but to take the time to look deeper. This is a challenge, because we have not set up our lives like this. It's quicker and easier to judge, or to compare ourselves to others, so that we make ourselves feel better. We ALL do this, whether we are willing to admit it or not.
When was the last time you decided to sit down and have coffee with someone who was totally different than you, someone who looked different, was from a different culture, was in a totally different place in life, someone you might think is odd or unattractive? What makes us think we are any better than anyone else? Yes, we are different, but we are all the same, too.
I digress... So, what I have realized lately is that I am lonely. I am a very out-going person. I love to be around people, go do fun things, spend time having deep or fun conversations, traveling, and having new experiences. I have found myself not calling people much because I am trying to save money on my minutes on my phone. That is the responsible thing to do. However, it means that I do not have the time with people that I really need and desire. It's a tough thing to regulate and it's certainly a tough thing to legislate in other people's lives. All I know is that I want to make a difference and that I am just not getting the time with people that I want. I think it's also partially that I really need to do better in my times with God than I have been. I have slacked off in my prayer life and I just need to have a much better attitude about reading the Bible.
So, once I realized that I was feeling lonely, it was weird. It was like I was at peace and all the little demons cackling in my head were gone all of the sudden. I was able to think more clearly and start making decisions on how to change my situation. Still working on the specifics, but the knowledge piece is handled. I'm very grateful for this revelation and now I can move forward. That was my reality check this week.
I have been struggling a lot lately the last 4 or 5 days and I just don't know why I'm feeling the way I do. I have been feeling down I think partially because I just don't understand what's going on in my head and my heart. It's making me a bit crazy not knowing what to change to make my situation and or even just my emotions better.
I was just sharing with someone on facebook who is going through some struggles as well. We'll call them "First World Problems". Now, this term has popped up fairly recently and I think is appropriate. It sort of reminds us that our, as the Bible calls them, "light and momentary troubles" 2 Cor. 4:17 are not the end of the world, and that often the only thing they impact is our own comfort. However, they can and do still impact us, and are still challenges we have to face and overcome. Especially if we have a number of them hitting at the same time, it can feel overwhelming, even humbling or discouraging. This is how God tests our hearts for him, if we trust him and if we believe that he knows everything that happens to us. Our reaction to these tests show God how much we really love him.
In the same way, we don't always know what others are going through, that is why it's really hard to judge people. This is one of the reasons that the Bible talks a lot about judging others in Romans 2. Some people have had to endure deaths of family members, emotional or physical or even sexual abuse, challenging job situations, divorce, separation, a house full of teenagers (right, parents?), relationship issues, money problems, health problems, etc. Each person has their own journey and you will never understand someone's story just by looking at their faces for 5 seconds as you try to pigeonhole them (ie: they're fat, she's unattractive, he's arrogant, etc., you get idea).
I'm overweight, I know I'm overweight, but my weight is not who I am. You and I should not get our identity from the outward things that other people can see. I get my identity from doing the things that I know are right, treating people respectfully and lovingly and having a relationship with God. I don't expect that everyone is not going to judge me because I am overweight, however if you get to know me and you still don't realize there's more to me than the fact that I'm an obese 43 year old, graying, balding man, then the problem does not lie in my fat or the amount, or color, of my hair.
I used to get my identity from my well-paying job, the fact that I owned a house, having a nicer car to drive and basically living a life as most of the world does. If you look at my life now and you see that everything I own in Germany can be fit into one car, you might think of me differently from the way I see myself. I have found that living out Christianity takes way more thought than I ever realized before. So much disciplined thinking, not seeing people for how they look, but to take the time to look deeper. This is a challenge, because we have not set up our lives like this. It's quicker and easier to judge, or to compare ourselves to others, so that we make ourselves feel better. We ALL do this, whether we are willing to admit it or not.
When was the last time you decided to sit down and have coffee with someone who was totally different than you, someone who looked different, was from a different culture, was in a totally different place in life, someone you might think is odd or unattractive? What makes us think we are any better than anyone else? Yes, we are different, but we are all the same, too.
I digress... So, what I have realized lately is that I am lonely. I am a very out-going person. I love to be around people, go do fun things, spend time having deep or fun conversations, traveling, and having new experiences. I have found myself not calling people much because I am trying to save money on my minutes on my phone. That is the responsible thing to do. However, it means that I do not have the time with people that I really need and desire. It's a tough thing to regulate and it's certainly a tough thing to legislate in other people's lives. All I know is that I want to make a difference and that I am just not getting the time with people that I want. I think it's also partially that I really need to do better in my times with God than I have been. I have slacked off in my prayer life and I just need to have a much better attitude about reading the Bible.
So, once I realized that I was feeling lonely, it was weird. It was like I was at peace and all the little demons cackling in my head were gone all of the sudden. I was able to think more clearly and start making decisions on how to change my situation. Still working on the specifics, but the knowledge piece is handled. I'm very grateful for this revelation and now I can move forward. That was my reality check this week.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
It's a Bittersweet Symphony
Sometimes life is just hard and unfair. Despite amazing things that God is doing in my life right now, my heart is heavy tonight. Today one of my best friends, one of the closest things I have to a brother (who is not actually family) has given us news today that I have been dreading to hear. Almost a year ago, Chris, the woman I have called my "Spokane mom", was diagnosed with, I believe, stage 4 cancer. She has endured two rounds of chemotherapy already but unfortunately is in her last days here on earth with us.
A few years ago, I somewhat jokingly asked her if she and her two sons (two of my very best friends) would adopt me into their family, I was 38 years old. Apparently they actually talked about it and agreed to do it! Since then, I have enjoyed such great fellowship with the family. I didn't actually join them for family functions or anything like that, but it was kind of an honorary thing... So, Chris really was my Spokane mom. Many a time we spent just talking and I even helped her look for and buy the car that she has driven for about two years now. Time goes by so fast. At any rate, I have such great memories of her, but unfortunately I have only been able to watch from a distance as the cancer has taken such a toll on her body and the rest of the family, especially her two sons. It breaks my heart that I can't be there to support and give love, encouragement, and just listen to two people I love share this challenging chapter in their lives. I wish so dearly that I could be there right now...
On top of that, her oldest son is getting married in two days. As I recall, last year when her diagnosis was described as "terminal", all she wanted was to be able to be there when her boys got married (please let me know if this is not completely accurate, but this is how I remember it). God, please give her the strength she needs to be there for the wedding.
The good news is that Chris is definitely a faithful disciple, a brave woman that for the last year has had to deal with her own mortality, knowing that there was a good chance she would not survive this disease. She has faced it with such courage and strength and faith. Chris, I will miss you so much, but am so excited that your pain will be gone and there will be no more tears, no more worries and you will get to see our almighty father in heaven.
Sometimes it's just good to get these things off my heart. I know that this has been a roller coaster ride of a blog the last few months, but I decided to continue writing for my family and friends to follow what is going on with me here, halfway across the world from them. It has helped them to understand a little bit of what I see and do and experience here, which has been very encouraging for me. One thing I did not expect from this blog is how therapeutic it has been for me to just share my heart through writing. I feel it has helped me feel closer to God and to all of you. That has been one of the most powerful things about this blog for me. I am so grateful for your support, for your constant prayers (over 4 1/2 months!) and your feedback.
I think that's enough for me for tonight. I already feel better... Sometimes life is hard and unfair, but life does still go on. Onward I go....
A few years ago, I somewhat jokingly asked her if she and her two sons (two of my very best friends) would adopt me into their family, I was 38 years old. Apparently they actually talked about it and agreed to do it! Since then, I have enjoyed such great fellowship with the family. I didn't actually join them for family functions or anything like that, but it was kind of an honorary thing... So, Chris really was my Spokane mom. Many a time we spent just talking and I even helped her look for and buy the car that she has driven for about two years now. Time goes by so fast. At any rate, I have such great memories of her, but unfortunately I have only been able to watch from a distance as the cancer has taken such a toll on her body and the rest of the family, especially her two sons. It breaks my heart that I can't be there to support and give love, encouragement, and just listen to two people I love share this challenging chapter in their lives. I wish so dearly that I could be there right now...
On top of that, her oldest son is getting married in two days. As I recall, last year when her diagnosis was described as "terminal", all she wanted was to be able to be there when her boys got married (please let me know if this is not completely accurate, but this is how I remember it). God, please give her the strength she needs to be there for the wedding.
The good news is that Chris is definitely a faithful disciple, a brave woman that for the last year has had to deal with her own mortality, knowing that there was a good chance she would not survive this disease. She has faced it with such courage and strength and faith. Chris, I will miss you so much, but am so excited that your pain will be gone and there will be no more tears, no more worries and you will get to see our almighty father in heaven.
Sometimes it's just good to get these things off my heart. I know that this has been a roller coaster ride of a blog the last few months, but I decided to continue writing for my family and friends to follow what is going on with me here, halfway across the world from them. It has helped them to understand a little bit of what I see and do and experience here, which has been very encouraging for me. One thing I did not expect from this blog is how therapeutic it has been for me to just share my heart through writing. I feel it has helped me feel closer to God and to all of you. That has been one of the most powerful things about this blog for me. I am so grateful for your support, for your constant prayers (over 4 1/2 months!) and your feedback.
I think that's enough for me for tonight. I already feel better... Sometimes life is hard and unfair, but life does still go on. Onward I go....
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Dreams Are A Funny Thing
I was reminded tonight of a dream. Not my dream and probably not yours either. It was the dream of an obscure, unattractive, frumpy 47-year old woman from Northern England. I remember the first time I heard the name Susan Boyle. I remember the first time I saw her amazing audition with Britain's Got Talent in April 2009. I remember seeing that video for the first time at a church service at the Portland Church of Christ. Just like everyone else, I was skeptical. This woman was an extremely unassuming type. If you look at her, you might think the things I mentioned above and write her off as just another sad old cat lady, as she admitted, had "never been kissed". You may have written her off: until you heard her sing.
Why did she make it to that audition that day? She was unemployed, so she probably had the time. But I don't think that's why. For 36 years (since 1975) she has been singing. Her family and friends had the amazing blessing of hearing the angelic vocals of this daughter or sister. Finally in 2009, something told Susan to break out, to see if she could make her mark on the world. In watching the video, Susan sings the song, the entire audience is on their feet nearly the whole time. And the judges jaws were lying on the table! She finishes, she blows a kiss and begins to walk off stage. Now, I'm sure she was just nervous, excited that she "rock(ed) that audience"! I could be wrong, but I think maybe she was just happy to have lived her dream: to sing in front of a large crowd. Maybe for just a moment, she thought: "I did it". In a sense, in that moment she could have died happy. Fortunately for the world, that's not what happened.
She had a dream, even her song was about having a dream. EVERYONE (including me) could not believe their ears. Susan made that fateful trip to greet the world that day. This 47-year old cat lady did it; she won the love and respect and the hearts of everyone who heard her sing. I have personally watched this video 30 or 40 times (possibly more) and it never fails to bring a tear to my eye. When you have a dream and God blesses it, it's the greatest thing in the world. Whether it's finding a spouse or singing in front of an audience, you cannot describe the complete and utter feeling of accomplishment and blessing in that moment. I'm sure Susan felt this strongly, and even after 4 years, may still be a bit in shock! I hope it has been everything for her that she hoped. If nothing else, it has certainly been a huge inspiration for me.
When I was still living in Spokane, I was with a very great, long-time friend, Jeff. I told Jeff about my dream and asked him what he thought. He was very supportive and since this was very early on in the process, he asked me, "If you didn't do this, would you regret it later?" The answer was very simple. Yes, I would regret not following my dream. I was ready, but I really appreciated his question. What is YOUR dream, reader? What do you want to accomplish in this life? You only have one chance to live it the way you want. Have you given up on your dreams? Are you comfortable in your life or are you willing to get uncomfortable in order to live your dream? It's hard work, it's uncomfortable, it's emotionally draining, but it's so amazing to live out your dream. Even if I had to leave Germany tomorrow, I still wouldn't regret my decision to come here, even if I had to return to nothing.
I am so blessed. My life is not without challenges, but I have God and an amazing support structure in my life. Do I want/need a job? Absolutely, and soon! Do I need a permanent place to live? Yes, but despite that, God has provided. Often, multiple options even! This has in some ways been the hardest and most humbling time in my life, but man, has God been working on my character. What else could anyone need? Even with very little, I feel like the richest guy in the world. By letting go, I have comfort in the safety of God's great strength and ability. God is the best, he's faithful, he knows even better then we do what we need, every aspect of our situations, and everything else that we don't even know we need to consider! He's all knowing and perfect. Let us not rely on ourselves, let's rely on God and only secondarily on the people he has put in our lives.
Finally, thank you to the anonymous reader that asked the first question on my ask.fm account. If you would like to see the question and answer, (it was a GREAT question), please click on: http://ask.fm/amerigerman
The video for Susan Boyle's 2009 Britain's Got Talent audition is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mS5Om47vsaA
Why did she make it to that audition that day? She was unemployed, so she probably had the time. But I don't think that's why. For 36 years (since 1975) she has been singing. Her family and friends had the amazing blessing of hearing the angelic vocals of this daughter or sister. Finally in 2009, something told Susan to break out, to see if she could make her mark on the world. In watching the video, Susan sings the song, the entire audience is on their feet nearly the whole time. And the judges jaws were lying on the table! She finishes, she blows a kiss and begins to walk off stage. Now, I'm sure she was just nervous, excited that she "rock(ed) that audience"! I could be wrong, but I think maybe she was just happy to have lived her dream: to sing in front of a large crowd. Maybe for just a moment, she thought: "I did it". In a sense, in that moment she could have died happy. Fortunately for the world, that's not what happened.
She had a dream, even her song was about having a dream. EVERYONE (including me) could not believe their ears. Susan made that fateful trip to greet the world that day. This 47-year old cat lady did it; she won the love and respect and the hearts of everyone who heard her sing. I have personally watched this video 30 or 40 times (possibly more) and it never fails to bring a tear to my eye. When you have a dream and God blesses it, it's the greatest thing in the world. Whether it's finding a spouse or singing in front of an audience, you cannot describe the complete and utter feeling of accomplishment and blessing in that moment. I'm sure Susan felt this strongly, and even after 4 years, may still be a bit in shock! I hope it has been everything for her that she hoped. If nothing else, it has certainly been a huge inspiration for me.
When I was still living in Spokane, I was with a very great, long-time friend, Jeff. I told Jeff about my dream and asked him what he thought. He was very supportive and since this was very early on in the process, he asked me, "If you didn't do this, would you regret it later?" The answer was very simple. Yes, I would regret not following my dream. I was ready, but I really appreciated his question. What is YOUR dream, reader? What do you want to accomplish in this life? You only have one chance to live it the way you want. Have you given up on your dreams? Are you comfortable in your life or are you willing to get uncomfortable in order to live your dream? It's hard work, it's uncomfortable, it's emotionally draining, but it's so amazing to live out your dream. Even if I had to leave Germany tomorrow, I still wouldn't regret my decision to come here, even if I had to return to nothing.
I am so blessed. My life is not without challenges, but I have God and an amazing support structure in my life. Do I want/need a job? Absolutely, and soon! Do I need a permanent place to live? Yes, but despite that, God has provided. Often, multiple options even! This has in some ways been the hardest and most humbling time in my life, but man, has God been working on my character. What else could anyone need? Even with very little, I feel like the richest guy in the world. By letting go, I have comfort in the safety of God's great strength and ability. God is the best, he's faithful, he knows even better then we do what we need, every aspect of our situations, and everything else that we don't even know we need to consider! He's all knowing and perfect. Let us not rely on ourselves, let's rely on God and only secondarily on the people he has put in our lives.
Finally, thank you to the anonymous reader that asked the first question on my ask.fm account. If you would like to see the question and answer, (it was a GREAT question), please click on: http://ask.fm/amerigerman
The video for Susan Boyle's 2009 Britain's Got Talent audition is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mS5Om47vsaA
Ask Me a Question
I've noticed some people on facebook have joined a website that allows others to ask them questions, either anonymously or not. It's called "ask.fm". I thought this might be a good way to get feedback and answer any questions the followers of this blog might have. My site on ask.fm is http://ask.fm/amerigerman.
Looking forward to seeing what's on your minds. All I ask is that you keep the questions appropriate. Thanks!
Looking forward to seeing what's on your minds. All I ask is that you keep the questions appropriate. Thanks!
Monday, August 19, 2013
A Day of Destiny
The last few days have been a bit of a challenge. After a very encouraging week last week, on Friday morning woke up and was starting to feel a little tickle in my throat. When I came home on Thursday evening, I had to walk up about 2 1/2 flights of stairs, walked into the apartment completely out of breath, sweating, and just generally exhausted. It seemed odd to me at the time because normally I wouldn't be that winded coming up the stairs to this apartment. Well, Friday morning I got a call from one of the ladies at church. I had forgotten to open the library for them. Again, not typical for me. I apologized profusely and they figured out an acceptable alternative. Sorry ladies, I really feel terrible for not being there for you.
So for the day, I just sort of took it easy and hoped that it would get better. Unfortunately, it only got progressively worse. I got a wicked sore throat and started to generally feel bad. A really amazing brother had a barbecue on Saturday evening and I wanted to make sure I went, so that he felt supported and encouraged. I stayed a couple hours, but they knew I hadn't been feeling well, so they understood when I left a little early. I would have loved to have stayed longer though. Food was amazing, and I hope I was okay company, I really wasn't feeling well and was not my normal talkative self.
And then, for the first time since I have arrived here, I missed Sunday service. It was killing me because I missed Scott's sermon (which I should at least be able to listen to online in the next few days), and just generally missed having that fellowship with everyone. Anyway, in the afternoon, got a bunch of calls from people, mostly about my housing situation that was announced at church, but also to see how I was doing. I was encouraged because that had not typically happened in the past. I was very encouraged.
So, about my housing situation... I have been generally so amazed by how God has really met and exceeded my expectations and answered my prayers since I have been here. When I asked for a bike, I was offered two. A third came up which I also received last week (see my last entry), which for all intents and purposes is brand new. I have been living where I currently am for about 3 weeks now, thanks to Larry and Teri, for free while they have been away. So, I have decided that I shouldn't worry about it, give it to God, and before I knew it, I have received two offers to stay with people for free at least for a few more weeks, possibly more. TWO offers.... I really don't know why I haven't tried doing this before. God is SOOOO faithful, man I'm just so humbled by how God has really taken great care of me. THANK YOU, GOD!!!!
Today I went to visit the first place that was offered to me. It's a bit far away from most things, but really not that much further than where I was to start off with. I'm certainly not complaining, it is a total blessing from God!!! I met with the person that is living in the apartment. First of all, let me say, this is a nice big apartment, overall very quiet and in a really wonderful part of the city. I've been there before and have blogged specifically about it back in May, I think. Anyway, got a chance to talk with the guy who's living there currently and we are both grateful for a brother who has made this place available for both of us. This brother is incredibly sacrificial and generous, I'm humbled by his and this other person's willingness to allow me to stay there for a bit. We will see exactly how long, but should be a decent amount of time.
Now to the reason I have named this post what I have. There are just days when you wake up (in this case, sick!) and you look at your energy level and have serious doubts (LOL) about how much you will be able to accomplish, how things will go, etc. Today was just one of those days that I really believe God wanted me to meet this person and have the conversation with him that I did. He is also American, and he worked for a while as an English teacher, gave me some GREAT advice on where to put in my application, etc. He also gave me some insight into some magazines and websites that would also help. These are specific to Americans in Berlin and feel I would not have made these connections without this conversation. I'm so grateful to God that not only do I feel like I have a new friend, but that He is really helping me move toward finding work! Amen, I'll take that!!!
On a similar note, they say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different outcome. Well, it's official, I'm insane. :) For some reason, I have continued to put out applications at hotels, from which I continue to receive denial after denial. I have been specifically targeting reservations jobs because that is what I did before, but I am still getting denials. This conversation today convicted me that I have just not given the English teaching the chance I need to. One of the things this person told me was that so many companies hire Americans (and other native speakers) over others that speak it as a second language, for obvious reasons. Anyway, I know what I'll be doing for the rest of the week.
I also had a bit of reflection time on the train today as well. I was thinking what I was doing this time last year and I was kind of blown away. It was hot in Spokane and I was really working hard to get my kitchen put back together so I could have my house re-warming party in September. Ryan laid the tile in the kitchen and dining room the first week of August last year (you're my hero, by the way!) and I remember that I was putting in a tremendous amount of time into it, so that I could not only have a kitchen and dining room to use, but also that I could have my party. I worked incredibly hard during this time. Since I'm not much a fan of really hot weather, this was not a particularly pleasant time for me, but I pushed through and God allowed me to get it done. I remember Sara on the back patio with power tools, mixing the grout in the buckets and Ryan in the kitchen and dining room trying to make every tile perfect. It was a very challenging time, but so many great memories.... September 9 will be one year since my house re-warming party. Doesn't seem possible that it was nearly a year ago now. Crazy....
Well, that's the latest here in Berlin. Hope everyone has a great week and thanks for all your prayers. I love you and miss all of you that I know. I'm grateful for the rest of you that don't know me, and yet still tune in to see how I'm doing! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
1 Cor 1: 7-9 -- Therefore you do not lack any spiritual gift as you eagerly wait for our Lord Jesus Christ to be revealed. He will also keep you firm to the end so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is faithful who has called you into fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.
So for the day, I just sort of took it easy and hoped that it would get better. Unfortunately, it only got progressively worse. I got a wicked sore throat and started to generally feel bad. A really amazing brother had a barbecue on Saturday evening and I wanted to make sure I went, so that he felt supported and encouraged. I stayed a couple hours, but they knew I hadn't been feeling well, so they understood when I left a little early. I would have loved to have stayed longer though. Food was amazing, and I hope I was okay company, I really wasn't feeling well and was not my normal talkative self.
And then, for the first time since I have arrived here, I missed Sunday service. It was killing me because I missed Scott's sermon (which I should at least be able to listen to online in the next few days), and just generally missed having that fellowship with everyone. Anyway, in the afternoon, got a bunch of calls from people, mostly about my housing situation that was announced at church, but also to see how I was doing. I was encouraged because that had not typically happened in the past. I was very encouraged.
So, about my housing situation... I have been generally so amazed by how God has really met and exceeded my expectations and answered my prayers since I have been here. When I asked for a bike, I was offered two. A third came up which I also received last week (see my last entry), which for all intents and purposes is brand new. I have been living where I currently am for about 3 weeks now, thanks to Larry and Teri, for free while they have been away. So, I have decided that I shouldn't worry about it, give it to God, and before I knew it, I have received two offers to stay with people for free at least for a few more weeks, possibly more. TWO offers.... I really don't know why I haven't tried doing this before. God is SOOOO faithful, man I'm just so humbled by how God has really taken great care of me. THANK YOU, GOD!!!!
Today I went to visit the first place that was offered to me. It's a bit far away from most things, but really not that much further than where I was to start off with. I'm certainly not complaining, it is a total blessing from God!!! I met with the person that is living in the apartment. First of all, let me say, this is a nice big apartment, overall very quiet and in a really wonderful part of the city. I've been there before and have blogged specifically about it back in May, I think. Anyway, got a chance to talk with the guy who's living there currently and we are both grateful for a brother who has made this place available for both of us. This brother is incredibly sacrificial and generous, I'm humbled by his and this other person's willingness to allow me to stay there for a bit. We will see exactly how long, but should be a decent amount of time.
Now to the reason I have named this post what I have. There are just days when you wake up (in this case, sick!) and you look at your energy level and have serious doubts (LOL) about how much you will be able to accomplish, how things will go, etc. Today was just one of those days that I really believe God wanted me to meet this person and have the conversation with him that I did. He is also American, and he worked for a while as an English teacher, gave me some GREAT advice on where to put in my application, etc. He also gave me some insight into some magazines and websites that would also help. These are specific to Americans in Berlin and feel I would not have made these connections without this conversation. I'm so grateful to God that not only do I feel like I have a new friend, but that He is really helping me move toward finding work! Amen, I'll take that!!!
On a similar note, they say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different outcome. Well, it's official, I'm insane. :) For some reason, I have continued to put out applications at hotels, from which I continue to receive denial after denial. I have been specifically targeting reservations jobs because that is what I did before, but I am still getting denials. This conversation today convicted me that I have just not given the English teaching the chance I need to. One of the things this person told me was that so many companies hire Americans (and other native speakers) over others that speak it as a second language, for obvious reasons. Anyway, I know what I'll be doing for the rest of the week.
I also had a bit of reflection time on the train today as well. I was thinking what I was doing this time last year and I was kind of blown away. It was hot in Spokane and I was really working hard to get my kitchen put back together so I could have my house re-warming party in September. Ryan laid the tile in the kitchen and dining room the first week of August last year (you're my hero, by the way!) and I remember that I was putting in a tremendous amount of time into it, so that I could not only have a kitchen and dining room to use, but also that I could have my party. I worked incredibly hard during this time. Since I'm not much a fan of really hot weather, this was not a particularly pleasant time for me, but I pushed through and God allowed me to get it done. I remember Sara on the back patio with power tools, mixing the grout in the buckets and Ryan in the kitchen and dining room trying to make every tile perfect. It was a very challenging time, but so many great memories.... September 9 will be one year since my house re-warming party. Doesn't seem possible that it was nearly a year ago now. Crazy....
Well, that's the latest here in Berlin. Hope everyone has a great week and thanks for all your prayers. I love you and miss all of you that I know. I'm grateful for the rest of you that don't know me, and yet still tune in to see how I'm doing! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
1 Cor 1: 7-9 -- Therefore you do not lack any spiritual gift as you eagerly wait for our Lord Jesus Christ to be revealed. He will also keep you firm to the end so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is faithful who has called you into fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Amazing Grace
Wow. What a week! Monday started off a bit rough. I helped a brother clean out a relative's apartment that had recently died. What a heart-breaking story! My heart really went out to him and his family. We had to take some stuff to dump and just clean out the apartment a bit. I wish I could have done more to help, but it was really encouraging to spend time with a good friend either way. I was very grateful because he said that one of the things left was a bicycle. He offered to give it to me, I was very humbled by his generosity. I was very encouraged to have a bike again and we checked it over and with the exception of the taillight not working, everything looked great! At one point I had to stop to put a little bit more air in the rear tire. As I looked the bike over, something occurred to me. This bike was brand new. I don't think the bike had ever been ridden before. The brother corrected me that he actually took it for a test ride last week. Okay, so it's been ridden once.... I would guess the bike is about 10-15 years old, but there wasn't even dust on it. I'm so thankful to God and this brother for such a great gift.
So I had to get the bike home and I have to be honest, I was trying to avoid buying a one-day train ticket to get me and the bike back home. Where I picked the bike up was ALL the way, almost in the farthest corner of the city. Since it's been like 3 weeks since the last time I rode a bike, I could tell I was getting out of shape and was hesitant to ride all the way home. But I decided I didn't want to spend the money after all and climbed on and started home. The trip was over 14 miles and I was pretty sore afterward, especially because I didn't have my super comfy seat. I'll leave it at that. I also realized that all that was wrong with the rear light was that the wire was missing from the generator. It cost me 1 Euro for a new wire, that's approximately $1.30 and only took about 10 minutes to fix, even in the dark! I was super encouraged to finally get the bike home, because even though it started to rain a little bit the last couple kilometers, it didn't start really raining hard until just after I got home. Once again, thanks God!!!
I'm also super grateful for really amazing friends in this city. I feel so humbled to be able to have really godly and generous men that God has allowed me to know here. And today I have so much more confidence. I've been feeling super insecure over the past week or two and got a chance to just get some things off my heart today with another brother. I felt so trusted and there was so much forgiveness and grace and just love. I was really struggling with some stuff and in a moment, after talking, I felt the weight of the world coming off my shoulders. I just felt so much joy and peace. Thanks, God for men that love you and have accepted me here, I'm truly a blessed man. I soooo don't deserve to be so well treated.
So I got up early this morning to take Blakester to the airport this morning. Since I was the one who met him there almost 3 months ago, I really wanted to go back to see him off as well. We had our men's devotional last night and was super encouraged to see him there. He's been in Paris the last few weeks hanging out with other Christians and going to a conference, so I was not expecting to see him before he left. When he asked me if I would see him off this morning, I said I absolutely would. We had a great conversation and it was sad to have to say "Auf Wiedersehen" to him, (which means "until we see (each other) again".) I think we'll see him here in Berlin again. I hope....
As a result of all these wonderful events today and this week, now I'm tired. Add to that a short night of sleep last night, my legs are SO sore from the bike ride, and my feet are killing me from walking around today. I know, I know, I'll stop complaining now. Actually, I'm extremely encouraged, happy and at peace. I'm so grateful to God for his love and forgiveness. These other things are not important, simple growing pains. I will be heading to bed tonight a VERY happy individual. So blessed. I'm the luckiest guy in the world.
So I had to get the bike home and I have to be honest, I was trying to avoid buying a one-day train ticket to get me and the bike back home. Where I picked the bike up was ALL the way, almost in the farthest corner of the city. Since it's been like 3 weeks since the last time I rode a bike, I could tell I was getting out of shape and was hesitant to ride all the way home. But I decided I didn't want to spend the money after all and climbed on and started home. The trip was over 14 miles and I was pretty sore afterward, especially because I didn't have my super comfy seat. I'll leave it at that. I also realized that all that was wrong with the rear light was that the wire was missing from the generator. It cost me 1 Euro for a new wire, that's approximately $1.30 and only took about 10 minutes to fix, even in the dark! I was super encouraged to finally get the bike home, because even though it started to rain a little bit the last couple kilometers, it didn't start really raining hard until just after I got home. Once again, thanks God!!!
I'm also super grateful for really amazing friends in this city. I feel so humbled to be able to have really godly and generous men that God has allowed me to know here. And today I have so much more confidence. I've been feeling super insecure over the past week or two and got a chance to just get some things off my heart today with another brother. I felt so trusted and there was so much forgiveness and grace and just love. I was really struggling with some stuff and in a moment, after talking, I felt the weight of the world coming off my shoulders. I just felt so much joy and peace. Thanks, God for men that love you and have accepted me here, I'm truly a blessed man. I soooo don't deserve to be so well treated.
So I got up early this morning to take Blakester to the airport this morning. Since I was the one who met him there almost 3 months ago, I really wanted to go back to see him off as well. We had our men's devotional last night and was super encouraged to see him there. He's been in Paris the last few weeks hanging out with other Christians and going to a conference, so I was not expecting to see him before he left. When he asked me if I would see him off this morning, I said I absolutely would. We had a great conversation and it was sad to have to say "Auf Wiedersehen" to him, (which means "until we see (each other) again".) I think we'll see him here in Berlin again. I hope....
As a result of all these wonderful events today and this week, now I'm tired. Add to that a short night of sleep last night, my legs are SO sore from the bike ride, and my feet are killing me from walking around today. I know, I know, I'll stop complaining now. Actually, I'm extremely encouraged, happy and at peace. I'm so grateful to God for his love and forgiveness. These other things are not important, simple growing pains. I will be heading to bed tonight a VERY happy individual. So blessed. I'm the luckiest guy in the world.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Waiting is Always the Hardest Part
I'm trying to give myself some perspective.... I'm working on being patient in my situation and trusting in God. It's now been 4 months (tomorrow) since I arrived in Berlin. It's been 6 months since I have worked. I hate that. I love to work, I'm a hard worker, and as most men, I love to feel productive and useful. Right now I don't feel like I am being as useful as I want to be.
I think about how long God made people wait in the Bible. God told Noah to build an ark and it took Noah 100 years to build it!!! I don't know about you, but can you imagine hearing the snickering and mockery of your neighbors as you build a massive boat in the desert in you back yard for ONE HUNDRED years??? Also, when God freed the Israelites from Egypt, God made them wander in the desert for forty years before he allowed them to enter the land where he was leading them.
So I guess my four or six months really is not all that bad. Nonetheless, it is still hard for me to wait. I really believe God is calling me to trust him completely, not trying to take back control. There are days that this is excruciatingly difficult. There are, however, subtle ways I do to try to take back that control. Eating sweets, wanting to act out, be angry or agitated or just feel numb or apathetic. I'm learning that these are some of the ways I act out my angst caused by the stress I allow myself to feel in my situation.
The reality is that I have had everything that I have needed. I have not missed a meal, I have been able to get around town without problems, I have been able to do a lot more than you would think. I have experienced incredible love, acceptance and generosity by the church here as well as from people at home in the US. I have a powerful relationship with my heavenly father, the creator of the universe. I look at all these facts and I feel a little bit ashamed that I have any issues at all. I'm really trying to learn how to trust God completely, how not to feel stressed when things don't seem to be working as I think they should.
So, on the job front, I have decided to ask for a miracle. My time is getting very short but I have to keep reminding myself that God knows the timing better than I do. I have to trust that. I would like to ask for all of you to be praying for a miracle as well...
God has definitely also been showing me that, despite my trying to take back control, he still has a purpose for me here. The past two weeks or so God has allowed me to prepare another Singles Devotional that took place last night. I was asked to lead it and I was very excited, but frankly I think Satan wanted me to feel like I was just too sinful to be effective. I realized this was just a tool to discourage me, so I decided to grab a hold of the challenge and do my best. Unfortunately, I was not aware (or possibly I forgot?) that we needed to send out a reminder email to everyone to remind everyone that it was going on. Either way, I was fighting not to give in to discouragement shortly before the devotional...
At any rate, there was about 10 of us there and three people shared about their experiences traveling over the summer to far away places (Australia, Korea and the Singles Conference in Budapest, Hungary). After they shared, I had prepared a lesson on relationships in the church, and asked some questions about how we are doing now, and how we can improve it, how we can maybe set up our lives to improve relationships. I led the lesson in German and frankly my German was not very good. Think I was just getting tired, but I was hoping that despite my inability to speak the language well, that the point would get across to everyone. The lesson went quite long, but there was a tremendous amount of good discussion over some of the questions that were asked. I cut some of the lesson out and finished up. I was able to share a photo of my family so that singles could "meet" the people that I love back in the states.
I was really tired after the lesson, it had been a long day. I was, however, very surprised by some of the responses I got afterward. I was very humbled by that but also very encouraged. I had a couple good conversations afterward as well. Katja and I cleaned up the library and we sat down to pray for a bit as well. All in all, it was very encouraging.
Afterward, I got to Skype call my Mom and then my Dad. After those conversations, I went home, satisfied with how God had blessed the day, but ready for some sleep!
This morning my roommate returned to the US, so now I'm staying alone in my current place. I really enjoyed having the company, but this will be fine as well. Looking forward to the next couple of weeks here. In my first apartment, I only had my laptop for entertainment. Now, I have TV, DVD, internet, etc, and very comfortable places to chill out and sleep. I really feel spoiled here. Thanks to Larry and Teri for so generously allowing me to stay here!!!
Well, I think that is it for tonight. Thanks for looking in and I look forward to seeing a miracle happening soon. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers, I'm eternally grateful....
I think about how long God made people wait in the Bible. God told Noah to build an ark and it took Noah 100 years to build it!!! I don't know about you, but can you imagine hearing the snickering and mockery of your neighbors as you build a massive boat in the desert in you back yard for ONE HUNDRED years??? Also, when God freed the Israelites from Egypt, God made them wander in the desert for forty years before he allowed them to enter the land where he was leading them.
So I guess my four or six months really is not all that bad. Nonetheless, it is still hard for me to wait. I really believe God is calling me to trust him completely, not trying to take back control. There are days that this is excruciatingly difficult. There are, however, subtle ways I do to try to take back that control. Eating sweets, wanting to act out, be angry or agitated or just feel numb or apathetic. I'm learning that these are some of the ways I act out my angst caused by the stress I allow myself to feel in my situation.
The reality is that I have had everything that I have needed. I have not missed a meal, I have been able to get around town without problems, I have been able to do a lot more than you would think. I have experienced incredible love, acceptance and generosity by the church here as well as from people at home in the US. I have a powerful relationship with my heavenly father, the creator of the universe. I look at all these facts and I feel a little bit ashamed that I have any issues at all. I'm really trying to learn how to trust God completely, how not to feel stressed when things don't seem to be working as I think they should.
So, on the job front, I have decided to ask for a miracle. My time is getting very short but I have to keep reminding myself that God knows the timing better than I do. I have to trust that. I would like to ask for all of you to be praying for a miracle as well...
God has definitely also been showing me that, despite my trying to take back control, he still has a purpose for me here. The past two weeks or so God has allowed me to prepare another Singles Devotional that took place last night. I was asked to lead it and I was very excited, but frankly I think Satan wanted me to feel like I was just too sinful to be effective. I realized this was just a tool to discourage me, so I decided to grab a hold of the challenge and do my best. Unfortunately, I was not aware (or possibly I forgot?) that we needed to send out a reminder email to everyone to remind everyone that it was going on. Either way, I was fighting not to give in to discouragement shortly before the devotional...
At any rate, there was about 10 of us there and three people shared about their experiences traveling over the summer to far away places (Australia, Korea and the Singles Conference in Budapest, Hungary). After they shared, I had prepared a lesson on relationships in the church, and asked some questions about how we are doing now, and how we can improve it, how we can maybe set up our lives to improve relationships. I led the lesson in German and frankly my German was not very good. Think I was just getting tired, but I was hoping that despite my inability to speak the language well, that the point would get across to everyone. The lesson went quite long, but there was a tremendous amount of good discussion over some of the questions that were asked. I cut some of the lesson out and finished up. I was able to share a photo of my family so that singles could "meet" the people that I love back in the states.
I was really tired after the lesson, it had been a long day. I was, however, very surprised by some of the responses I got afterward. I was very humbled by that but also very encouraged. I had a couple good conversations afterward as well. Katja and I cleaned up the library and we sat down to pray for a bit as well. All in all, it was very encouraging.
Afterward, I got to Skype call my Mom and then my Dad. After those conversations, I went home, satisfied with how God had blessed the day, but ready for some sleep!
This morning my roommate returned to the US, so now I'm staying alone in my current place. I really enjoyed having the company, but this will be fine as well. Looking forward to the next couple of weeks here. In my first apartment, I only had my laptop for entertainment. Now, I have TV, DVD, internet, etc, and very comfortable places to chill out and sleep. I really feel spoiled here. Thanks to Larry and Teri for so generously allowing me to stay here!!!
Well, I think that is it for tonight. Thanks for looking in and I look forward to seeing a miracle happening soon. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers, I'm eternally grateful....
Friday, August 2, 2013
To Him Who Overcomes....
I'm coming to you from the library and it's warm but comfortable and Dale is snoozing (and snoring I might add) a few feet away from me. The weather has been really sunny and warm except Monday when it rained. It was a nice break from 35C or 95F temps on Saturday and Sunday, and I was just drained all the time. I really miss having places that are air-conditioned... I would get home at night and just be soaking wet with sweat. Pretty gross.
On top of being wiped out from the weather, having my laptop crash, etc., I also had to make some decisions about my living arrangements this week and then had to move on relatively short notice. Thanks be to God that I didn't have too much stuff!
During the time when I was moving, I was really starting to feel low, bordering on depression. As I sat there yesterday waiting for a brother to come by with his car to pick me and my stuff up, I couldn't help but to just look at the ground, discouraged because I couldn't see any way out. I was ready to give up, to throw in the towel, to essentially prepare myself to go back to the states. Even though I still have time to look for work, I just was done, and I didn't care about anything. I just felt everything was so overwhelming.
I finally got my stuff to the new apartment and I was so exhausted that I could barely move. It was pretty hot yesterday and I was just unable to do any more work, including cleaning. As I was on my way back to the apartment (to try to clean it), my landlord sent a pretty harsh text message. I always try to do my very best to be responsible and rarely shirk them, but yesterday I was simply unable to complete them. I really felt bad, but as usual, my landlord was not very understanding. It gets really old when you have someone that is all smiles until you mess something up then comes the drama. I got to the front door of the building and rang the bell to see if he was there. He was. So I came back a while later and dropped the keys in the mailbox. Again, I felt so bad that I hadn't been able to clean, but I was so hot that at times I felt like I wanted to pass out. Cleaning was just not going to be an option for me, unfortunately.
This was not particularly helpful for my already bad mood/sick feeling. I had made an appointment with a sister to hang out with her and another sister from our newly-planted sister church in Warsaw, Poland. So I got on the train and went to hang out with them. I was still not feeling very well, but the plan was just to sit down and hang out and either grab coffee or food, so I figured I would be able to do that. And hopefully somewhere cool.... So we walked around trying to find somewhere that she could go online. We walked abut 20 minutes and tried to log on to the Wi-Fi at McDs. After 20 minutes of trying to get that to work, and a nice worker who came to our table to help, we simply could not get it to work. I suggested we head to Starbucks and try it there.
So we get to Starbucks on the Kurfürstendamm and we were not only able to log on, but the store had a HUGE upper seating area that was super plush and we hung out up there in AIR-CONDITIONED bliss... It was so nice to have a cool place to hide out for a while! Well, she was online trying to meet some people to come hang out with us and went onto couchsurfing.com and a couple of local guys came out. It was really fun. The first guy who came was a professor of cultural history (I think that's correct) and we had a great conversation! After Starbucks closed, the other person came and we had a great chat with him too. He was from Metz, France (near where I went to high school!). It's a small world. Anyway, it was a good time.
But for me the highlight of the evening was talking to this sister from here in Berlin. After having a pretty discouraging couple days, it was nice to just have some people to hang out with. This sister and I talked and talked and talked and after a few hours there, I was so encouraged again. We discussed things we see and could use improvement in the ministry here and just life and people in general. (We weren't gossiping, I promise!!) This discussion really helped to remind me of why I am here. Did you catch that? I think I finally understand why God has called me here to this city at this time.
I really want to do missions work. I see the need for a singles ministry in this city that is led by someone that can love it and give their whole heart to it. There is also a very great need to help people understand how to truly love each other in a very Biblical way, like Jesus loved people. I'm hoping to start writing my book shortly and have some, I believe, some really great and practical insights into how to really love people and give to them in a way that really helps them feel loved but also to see and understand God. I've been on the giving and receiving end of really bad things. I have had to endure a lot of hardships in the past few years, times that were painfully difficult and extremely discouraging and trying to my relationship with God. I believe that God has really helped me to rely on him through those hard times, and especially so during my time here in Berlin.
In the 20 years since I have become a Christian, I have left the church twice for relatively short periods of time. The first was just a time of great stress and big changes in the church and it just became too much for me. The second time was when I was going through some very significant struggles in my relationships with other people that I really felt like nobody cared. I was right, because nobody showed it. It simply is not enough to have love in your heart for someone. Without showing it, the other person doesn't know it. I have been reminded of that scripture in 1 John 3:18 -- "Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth."
At any rate, it was wrong for me to leave the church, but the circumstances I felt I had to endure for a year and a half had simply destroyed my faith in the goodness of people, especially people that called themselves Christians. Through all of this, though, God was never far from my heart or my thoughts. I knew I would return one day, but just needed some time off to regroup and let some healing begin in my heart. As I was being restored to God and to the church, I was going through some very intense physical issues. I began having problems with my gall bladder, sometimes having flare-ups that kept me home from work and church activities. At the same time, I was diagnosed with having sleep apnea. Because of the sleep apnea, they would not perform surgery as my blood oxygen levels would dip too low. It was a problem not being able to sleep, feeling incredibly wrung out all the time, and not being able to have surgery until I could get the sleeping issue resolved.
Anyway, after all that finally got resolved, a brother I trust dearly, named Jeff, told me "You can't just have a revolving door" in your relationship with God in the church. I was really convicted by this and had to make a decision. If I decided to continue to follow Christ, I could never leave again. Since that time in 2007-early 2008, I have had some really hard times, some self-inflicted, others just testings from God. I have had to make the decision to stay faithful because in John 6:67, Jesus asked Peter if he wanted to leave the Way as well, to which Peter replied in verses 68 and 69: "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God."
These were just a few of the significant challenges I have faced and God has helped me to overcome in the past few years. Not to mention a 30-40 hour a week job while doing a remodel on my house, selling most of my worldly possessions while still getting good time with people. It's been a very challenging time, but I am ready to see how to start this process. I have so much to give, so much that God has given me, so much he's changed in my heart. I'm ready to learn how to pass these things along to others now.
I think that's it for now, we have to close up the library for the month of August today, so for now I say "Auf Wiedersehen", until we meet again.
On top of being wiped out from the weather, having my laptop crash, etc., I also had to make some decisions about my living arrangements this week and then had to move on relatively short notice. Thanks be to God that I didn't have too much stuff!
During the time when I was moving, I was really starting to feel low, bordering on depression. As I sat there yesterday waiting for a brother to come by with his car to pick me and my stuff up, I couldn't help but to just look at the ground, discouraged because I couldn't see any way out. I was ready to give up, to throw in the towel, to essentially prepare myself to go back to the states. Even though I still have time to look for work, I just was done, and I didn't care about anything. I just felt everything was so overwhelming.
I finally got my stuff to the new apartment and I was so exhausted that I could barely move. It was pretty hot yesterday and I was just unable to do any more work, including cleaning. As I was on my way back to the apartment (to try to clean it), my landlord sent a pretty harsh text message. I always try to do my very best to be responsible and rarely shirk them, but yesterday I was simply unable to complete them. I really felt bad, but as usual, my landlord was not very understanding. It gets really old when you have someone that is all smiles until you mess something up then comes the drama. I got to the front door of the building and rang the bell to see if he was there. He was. So I came back a while later and dropped the keys in the mailbox. Again, I felt so bad that I hadn't been able to clean, but I was so hot that at times I felt like I wanted to pass out. Cleaning was just not going to be an option for me, unfortunately.
This was not particularly helpful for my already bad mood/sick feeling. I had made an appointment with a sister to hang out with her and another sister from our newly-planted sister church in Warsaw, Poland. So I got on the train and went to hang out with them. I was still not feeling very well, but the plan was just to sit down and hang out and either grab coffee or food, so I figured I would be able to do that. And hopefully somewhere cool.... So we walked around trying to find somewhere that she could go online. We walked abut 20 minutes and tried to log on to the Wi-Fi at McDs. After 20 minutes of trying to get that to work, and a nice worker who came to our table to help, we simply could not get it to work. I suggested we head to Starbucks and try it there.
So we get to Starbucks on the Kurfürstendamm and we were not only able to log on, but the store had a HUGE upper seating area that was super plush and we hung out up there in AIR-CONDITIONED bliss... It was so nice to have a cool place to hide out for a while! Well, she was online trying to meet some people to come hang out with us and went onto couchsurfing.com and a couple of local guys came out. It was really fun. The first guy who came was a professor of cultural history (I think that's correct) and we had a great conversation! After Starbucks closed, the other person came and we had a great chat with him too. He was from Metz, France (near where I went to high school!). It's a small world. Anyway, it was a good time.
But for me the highlight of the evening was talking to this sister from here in Berlin. After having a pretty discouraging couple days, it was nice to just have some people to hang out with. This sister and I talked and talked and talked and after a few hours there, I was so encouraged again. We discussed things we see and could use improvement in the ministry here and just life and people in general. (We weren't gossiping, I promise!!) This discussion really helped to remind me of why I am here. Did you catch that? I think I finally understand why God has called me here to this city at this time.
I really want to do missions work. I see the need for a singles ministry in this city that is led by someone that can love it and give their whole heart to it. There is also a very great need to help people understand how to truly love each other in a very Biblical way, like Jesus loved people. I'm hoping to start writing my book shortly and have some, I believe, some really great and practical insights into how to really love people and give to them in a way that really helps them feel loved but also to see and understand God. I've been on the giving and receiving end of really bad things. I have had to endure a lot of hardships in the past few years, times that were painfully difficult and extremely discouraging and trying to my relationship with God. I believe that God has really helped me to rely on him through those hard times, and especially so during my time here in Berlin.
In the 20 years since I have become a Christian, I have left the church twice for relatively short periods of time. The first was just a time of great stress and big changes in the church and it just became too much for me. The second time was when I was going through some very significant struggles in my relationships with other people that I really felt like nobody cared. I was right, because nobody showed it. It simply is not enough to have love in your heart for someone. Without showing it, the other person doesn't know it. I have been reminded of that scripture in 1 John 3:18 -- "Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth."
At any rate, it was wrong for me to leave the church, but the circumstances I felt I had to endure for a year and a half had simply destroyed my faith in the goodness of people, especially people that called themselves Christians. Through all of this, though, God was never far from my heart or my thoughts. I knew I would return one day, but just needed some time off to regroup and let some healing begin in my heart. As I was being restored to God and to the church, I was going through some very intense physical issues. I began having problems with my gall bladder, sometimes having flare-ups that kept me home from work and church activities. At the same time, I was diagnosed with having sleep apnea. Because of the sleep apnea, they would not perform surgery as my blood oxygen levels would dip too low. It was a problem not being able to sleep, feeling incredibly wrung out all the time, and not being able to have surgery until I could get the sleeping issue resolved.
Anyway, after all that finally got resolved, a brother I trust dearly, named Jeff, told me "You can't just have a revolving door" in your relationship with God in the church. I was really convicted by this and had to make a decision. If I decided to continue to follow Christ, I could never leave again. Since that time in 2007-early 2008, I have had some really hard times, some self-inflicted, others just testings from God. I have had to make the decision to stay faithful because in John 6:67, Jesus asked Peter if he wanted to leave the Way as well, to which Peter replied in verses 68 and 69: "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God."
These were just a few of the significant challenges I have faced and God has helped me to overcome in the past few years. Not to mention a 30-40 hour a week job while doing a remodel on my house, selling most of my worldly possessions while still getting good time with people. It's been a very challenging time, but I am ready to see how to start this process. I have so much to give, so much that God has given me, so much he's changed in my heart. I'm ready to learn how to pass these things along to others now.
I think that's it for now, we have to close up the library for the month of August today, so for now I say "Auf Wiedersehen", until we meet again.
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