I was thinking today that I'm having a hard time focusing right now. Then God reminded me that when I was going through challenges in Germany, almost 6 years ago (yes, SIX years ago), that prayer and writing helped me unscramble my brain. So many prayers have been lifted already by me and for me... so here goes the writing.
Today is Friday April 12th and I just got home from Yakima. Wow, what a week.
This past Sunday, my stepmom sent me a message that dad had been taken from his rehab facility back to the hospital because he had fluid in his lungs. Over the last year I have seen (mostly from afar) my dad's health go downhill. He hasn't been eating and he was becoming weaker and weaker and weaker. I last saw my dad about 3 weeks before this trip, and I am so glad I went to see him then. We had such a great time, just talking and joking and having a fun time together with my stepmom!
Back in November of 2013, dad had a double (yes, DOUBLE) lung transplant. The prognosis for survival after 5 years was well into the single digits. His incredible survival was due to (after God's intervention) my absolute hero of a stepmom, and my father's incredible strength and will to survive.
During my trip 3 weeks ago, I could tell we might be getting close to the end. He was so frail! But frankly, I loved that my dad was still the same spunky, smart, and funny guy he always was. I remember one of the last really lucid moments I had with him during that trip. We were sitting in his room and I was just kind of smiling at him. He gave me this very silly, stern look on his face, and I broke out in laughter. And I responded in a very silly tone. "Don't look in me in that tone of voice! How rude!" I think he knew I was just kidding.
Even despite being in tremendous pain, my dad was still in there. His mind and his body ravaged by the medications he had to take to prevent the body from rejecting his lungs. He had lost his short term memory due his brain being deprived of oxygen before his surgery 5 years ago. Recently, only occasionally would his silliness come out, but it DID still come out. My dad was such a wonderful man. I miss him so much!
So this past Monday, I drove to Yakima and arrived at the hospice center shortly after he was transferred from the hospital. And I confirmed this was, in fact, hospice care. It was clear dad was very near the end.. As soon as I walked in the door, I said "Hi papasan! (I've called him that since I was a kid.) He clearly recognized me, but he was unable to speak and almost immediately his eyes just sort of looked straight ahead and his mouth was moving, only quiet sounds making it out.
But the hospital had been unable to do the procedure to remove the fluid from his lungs as it would have been just too much for his weakened body to handle. So they said there's nothing more they could do for him and transferred him to hospice care.
Later that night, my brother arrived from Alaska.... finally the whole family was together. My brother arrived very late and he opted to stay the night in dad's room, and my stepmom went home to get some rest. I had gotten a hotel room and went back to get some rest as well.
The next day, we all returned to see dad. He had not been conscious most of the time I had been there. Only occasionally would he open his eyes, and I believe that he knew what was going on in the room, but he could not really respond, except very brief moments with his eyes. Mostly when his eyes were open, they were looking straight ahead of him, looking very intensely into space.
At one point, the whole family stepped out of the room to get a bite to eat in the little dining room provided by the care center. They provided soup, coffee and tea and some other things to eat, and we all spent a short time with each other there.
When we returned to dad's room, something was different. Dad looked different. Even when he was struggling to breathe, his head was positioned straight ahead. When we came back into the room, his head was off to his left side. We called in the nurse and she said that he was very near death. Likely just minutes.....
A few minutes later, I asked my brother and stepmom if we could pray. They agreed, and we all put our arms around each other. I told God how much we loved dad, and prayed that if we had anything unresolved with him that we can forgive him, and I asked God to take him. When we finished the prayer, we all turned around and we were looking intently at dad. And we all looked confused, and very concerned. I asked my brother to hit the button to call the nurse.
She came back in and said "He's gone." I think he may have gone during the prayer.
One thing that we were dreading was actually watching him die. With all the issues with dad's lungs, we were concerned that he may choke, or cough, or just generally have a hard time breathing as he was breathing his last. By the grace of God, he passed in complete silence, slipping peacefully from this life into eternity.
Whereas, this was the best scenario, it was far from easy to process. We stayed in the room with dad for about an hour and a half as we just dealt with our new reality. We were all in shock and did not want to leave the room. We could not bring ourselves to leave him. The hospice people gave us the time we needed to say our good-byes, process his passing and just pull ourselves together to whatever extent we could.
Finally, we called the nurse in one final time, and my brother and I stepped out of the room. But my stepmom stayed to help prepare him for his final transport to the funeral home. A short time later, she joined us in the chapel.
An hour or so later, they brought dad out for us to say our final good-byes. It was so hard. I didn't want to say good bye to him. I could barely bring myself to walk up to his gurney, look at his lifeless face, and somehow summarize the 49 years I had enjoyed with one of the most influential people in my life. How do you do that? I've never had to do that before.
I began to weep as I told him how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. I just couldn't contain the tremendous sadness any more. A few minutes later, after we had all said our farewells, they began to roll him out of the room toward the van waiting to take him to the funeral home. I thought to myself, this is my last chance. And with my voice cracking, I said "Good bye papasan. I love you!" And he was loaded into the van, they shut the door, and they drove off.
And my poor stepmom, his wife of 42 years, began to weep bitterly....
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So how do you cope with this type of loss? This is all new to me... I didn't know what to expect when he passed. And I don't know how long I'm going to struggle with this. But what I do know is this. I am so grateful that I have such a powerful God. I know he is going to be there to help me through all of this. I understand that I may not ever get over the pain of losing my dad and I acknowledge I'm not the first person to lose a parent or a loved one, and that gives me solace. I know time and God's power will heal this wound, so until then I know God will allow it to get a little easier every day.
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But I want to share with you what I've learned this week. I learned that I'm absolutely the luckiest guy in the world. In spending time with both my mom AND my dad (and stepmom, too, of course!) I have come to understand what a special family God has given me. Both of my parents are incredibly smart, loving, compassionate, and responsible people. I have been given two truly amazing parents, and an additional incredible superwoman of a stepmom, by God. My life has been far from easy or perfect, but I was given the most lovely people to learn from and imitate. I mean that, all three of my parents (dad, mom, stepmom) are some of the most incredible people I know. I have so much respect for them! Thank you God for allowing me to have them in my life!
The second thing I have experienced this week is laughter. I know it sounds crazy, but I can't tell you the last time I have laughed as much as I have this week. Oh the conversations we have had, recalling nearly 5 decades of incredible memories! The ways my brother and I have tormented my dad with our antics, and all the stories that families compile over years of just experiencing life together. That was by far the biggest blessing of this week. Even though our joys were interrupted by incredible sorrow, the joy was the thing that I will remember from this week. The stories stay with us, as well as the heart and the actions of a man of integrity, how he led his family and loved us kids literally more than anything else (even though he was absolutely deeply in love with his wife of 42 years) will never leave my heart.
My heart is full, and my heart is broken. I'm sad, but I have so much joy. I'm having such a hard time saying good-bye, dad, because I love you so much. There is a hole in my heart that will never be fully restored. I knew some day I would have to say good-bye, but I want to let you know I'm a MUCH better man because you were my dad.
I love you, dad. I will miss you more than you will ever know. Good bye papasan!
