I woke up this morning feeling like nothing matters any more. I'm not feeling well, haven't been since last summer.... While I remind myself that there are aspects of my life that are incredible, I'm just not feeling very encouraged. today. So much to talk about, but right now, I'm trying to be grateful for my job, but it's so uninspiring, long commute, low pay and a toxic environment. Nobody's happy there.
Including me.
My health issues are plaguing me and though I do feel a bit better, I feel like I'm a long way from where I want to be. And on top of all that, my discipler is too busy to get time with me. There are days I feel like he cares, generally I don't get that sense at all. Christianity is all about relationships. I try to teach that, but it doesn't seem to be catching on.
And on top of it all, today marks one year since I had to return from Europe. By far the best 8 months of my life up to that point. When I was landing at Sea-Tac, I let out a big sigh. Not exactly where I wanted to be. And life has not been easy these past twelve months. I do love Seattle, but this is not where I was hoping to be right now.
I'm not sure who I should be the most frustrated with.... me? Others? God? Some or all of those? I'm not sure. If I'm honest, I know it's probably me that I should be the most critical of, but not sure how that is going to help me either.
I just am so unhappy with life right now. I'm trying, but I'm struggling. I'm not saying I'm not part of the problem, but I need help. I think the worst part of this is being able to trust and rely (even if it's just a little bit) on the person that God has put in my life to help me. I'm very discouraged.
On top of everything, I've gained almost all the weight back that I'd lost in my run up to leaving for Europe and what I lost while there, which is also very discouraging. I need to do work on my car that I can't afford. I hate my long commute and my managers won't let me work from home, even though I have everything set up to do it. I hate that I have to work a second job just to make ends meet.
Ultimately, I believe I'll be alright, I trust God. But I woke up this morning feeling like I just needed to get these things off my chest. If anyone reads this, please pray for me. I just have a lot to overcome and what seems like not much help. Please feel free to reach out to me if you know me personally. I would love to hear from you.
I don't have time to edit this right now. I'll try to do that later. Maybe I'll add more, not sure. Either way, thanks for looking in on me and taking the time to find out how I'm doing.
