Climbing Out of the Pit

Well I felt much better yesterday after my really bad day on Tuesday.  My job is just killing me at the moment and I simply could not stand it any longer.  My job is so stressful and busy and it has just sucked the life and joy out of me. Yesterday went much better, but today I nearly quit.  I'm so grateful for my manager.  We had a very open and honest conversation and he gave me hope that they are, in fact, hiring.  He said he hopes to have 5 people in my unit hopefully within the next month or so.  He also said that he sees that I am very competent in my duties.  I still have room for improvement, but am at least competent and he sees that I am trying very hard.

As I was leaving tonight, I ran into one of the other managers, and he asked me how I was doing.  I told him that I'm just trying to make it.  He told me that he doesn't know how I do it.  Finally, someone sees the amount of work I do, and a little confirmation that it really is too much for one person to handle all byhimself. When he said that I was already pretty raw from my conversation with my manager and I nearly broke down in tears as I got in the elevator.

Another day tomorrow and I just need to continue to push through. One day at a time, one minute at a time. This is extremely challenging for me, I don't know how I'm going  to make this another few weeks by myself.  I'm still not even fully trained in my job, but almost.  Please, please, please pray for me to make it.  I'm noticing how I'm struggling with being constantly frustrated and unhappy.  This needs to change soon, for my own sanity.

Finally tonight, I would like to thank everyone for their kind comments and love, they really made a difference for me to feel understood and loved by you.  Unfortunately there was one person that responded in a negative way and it was with that specific person in mind that I asked for people not to try to fix me. I meant it, and now I have to deal with the fact that one person refuses to respect my boundaries. Just what I need on top of all my other challenges right now....   Ugh.

I'll make it through this time, but I would really appreciate your prayers and good thoughts.  I need all the help I can get right now.  Thanks for all your support!

Sincerely

I sincerely hate my life right now.  Hate it.  I know I'm supposed to be joyful and grateful and all that crap, but I'm not.  I don't want to be either.  If you're reading this and you want to "fix" me, don't.  Over time I have pushed through hard times and have overcome a lot, but I'm tired.  I'm tired of pushing through hard times.  I'm tired of hard times.  I'm tired of having to expend 110% just to do the most simple things.  I'm discouraged, lonely, and extremely frustrated. I hate working in a job that is making me feel depleted every day.  I have no control over anything in my life and I'm tired of being at the mercy of every wind and opinion of people that neither know my heart or my situation and that cannot relate.

Whether I'm right or wrong I don't particularly care at this point.  I have lived a very challenging existence for the last few years.  I know very few people that could go through what I have and still have a smile on their face.  What I do want is some compassion, some acknowledgment that I've had to fight through so much.  I don't need to know how great God is, I already know.  I don't want you to shove scriptures down my throat to fix me.  I want someone to listen, someone to take an interest in a fellow brother/human being.

For those of you who know me really well, something happened to me today that I don't recall ever happening to me.  If it has, it is extremely rare.  I didn't want to talk to anyone, see anyone, or be around anyone.  I'm as outgoing as they come (okay, there are probably others that are actually more outgoing, but either way, I am pretty outgoing), but I don't want to be around anyone right now. I don't want to get on the phone, and I don't want to chat with anyone.  I'm sure tomorrow I will be better, but for now, I'm just at the end of my patience.  I'm not sure that I will actually post this to my blog, but you'll know if I do, and you won't if I don't.

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So that this post is not all doom and gloom, I wanted to share with you a few of the good things that have been going on with me lately.  Most recently, this weekend I was able to get away for about a day to a good friend's house in Port Orchard, which is about 70 miles away.  Just the night before I finished the last piece of a tune-up on the car that has taken me about a month and a half to complete.  It sure runs better now!  It still needs new CV axles (they clatter pretty good going around corners when I start driving in the morning!) and I should do an oil change and a radiator flush.  Those will come in time....  For now, the car is getting the 35mph it should be getting, instead of 22 before the tune-up.  That will save me some serious money on gas!  It did great on the drive and got me there and back quickly and safely.

I talked to my dad on Sunday for Father's Day, and I was very encouraged to find out today that his monthly checkup showed that he is making very good progress on his infection, but the doctors would like for him to stay in Arizona for at least another month to make sure he can maintain his good health before they are willing to send him back to Washington State.  Unfortunately, this time of year can get extremely hot there and they are not enjoying having to be indoors all the time.  Thanks for all your prayers for him.

Well that's all I can do for now.  I need to chill and go to bed early here in a while. Maybe it's one of those nights to sit and watch some old great music videos from the 80's...