New Spiritual Convictions

I just got done watching this video.  I would encourage you to watch it, too, before you read the rest of this blog.  It's inspiring, moving, convicting...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cD32zEin854

I'm going to be honest.  I'm struggling with some stuff in my life.  I don't hate it, but I am having to get used to working a 40-hour week for the first time in 14 months, getting used to a new place to live and a new living situation, bus schedules, responsibilities, etc.  These aren't bad things, they are just things I am having to accept and embrace as my new life.  I've been pushed to my limits physically at times and have felt overwhelmed mentally as well.  In the course of a week, I moved twice, and had to make and accept quite a few changes in my daily schedule.  I didn't realize until this move just how stressful all these things have been collectively.

I've also realized and have learned to appreciate something like I never have before.  You know, each person has their story.  Every person has their own baggage and is on their own journey through this life.  I have learned to listen to people, to try to understand them through the things that God is allowing them to experience.  It's always interesting to see the things they are learning through their individual experiences. I'm super encouraged to meet people that have great dreams, goals, victories, and yes, even some failures. Sometimes people do well through them, sometimes people are in survival mode, and some just do not do well with their challenges.  I feel like I personally have been in each one of those places many times in the past year.

 During this journey of mine, I have encountered a lot of people that have honestly treated me like I didn't have a clue what I was doing. There have been times that it has been very hurtful to me.  I try not to take it personally, but sometimes I do.  What I have realized is this.  I am confident of what I believe God has tried to encourage me with.  The fact that my returning to the states may look like a failure to you or others, but that is not the way I see it AT ALL.

Whether you agree with me or not is not important, because you probably don't have all the information I have access to, on which I make my decisions. I have a number of advisors that I talk with, and whatever decisions I make, in the end I have to take responsibility for those before God.  Now, I'm happy to discuss anything with you if you approach me personally (within reason, of course), but one thing I have learned lately is very interesting.

When I was in Germany, I didn't live in luxury, and I got by with the basics.  And I believe that most days I was legitimately grateful for what I had.  Now, I'm hoping to buy this car, God willing, and the car is really not pretty.  It's nearly 30 years old and has damage on it, rust and a door and trunk that are not the same color as the rest of the car.  And a year ago, I would have been really concerned about what others would think of me driving such a "beater"...

Now, however, I see things differently.  I would be so excited and proud to own this car.  I would show it off to my friends and family and my face would beam with excitement and pride to be able to do so.  It's not because my friends would be jealous of what I have (maybe they would be), but it is out of gratitude.

I'll tell you right now, I have been far from perfect in the things I have done with what God has given me.  But I will not let any of these sins or "learning opportunities" stop me from pursuing my dream of returning to Germany on a permanent basis someday.  God does not expect us to be perfect, he created us and he knows what we are capable of (good and bad!), but despite my faults, my heart is to continue on, even if it seems like the direction of my life seems opposite to my dreams. God expects me to admit my faults and change my mind about those things (this is confession and repentance)  Repentance simply means to a "change of mind".  Practically, this means that we see our faults or sins in a different way.

An example of this is lying.  Lying is often a way we protect ourselves from negative consequences from others, from something we have done wrong. Repentance in lying would be not to just stop lying, but seeing that our lies really might hurt someone else (spouse, friend, etc.). Seeing the pain we cause others can be a motivation to not want to do that any more.  This is how we can "change our minds" on the sin of lying.

________________________________________________

In the past year, there has been a significant amount of negativity from people regarding my life.  That's fine, it doesn't bother me too much.  All I have to do is remember what God has done for me and deal with the daily challenges of my life and I can continue to move forward.  I try to block out the negativity and remember God's promises for those that are faithful to him. I am on a journey, and so are you. My journey has not come to an end yet.  Every day my heart is broken that I can't be in Germany.  That doesn't mean that I don't like where I'm at, my situation, my job, my friends, etc., it just means that my heart will continue to desire to be there.  My heart has been there since 1985 when I moved there and I doubt that will ever change.

So since we are all on our own journey, let's encourage one another to stay the course and ask together for God's blessing to be on us and we continue through this life.  Each person is responsible for his/her life and journey.  If you have concerns, let's talk to each other openly and honestly.  I don't know what God's plan is.  I could be here in Seattle, for instance, for 10 days or 10 years, I don't know.  What I do know is that my heart would be broken to not pursue the dream that God placed on my heart nearly 3 years ago.

What is your dream?  What are you willing to do to pursue your own dream?  You don't have to fly across the world to pursue a dream, but what is your passion?  What gets your blood pumping and gets you out of bed in the morning?  Fight for your dreams and make them God's dream for you as well.

Sorry to continue to mention it, but I would encourage you to read my blog post from last night as well, but I'm really trying to be able to afford this car and would appreciate even a $5 donation to help me get a VERY reasonably priced and I believe, reliable car.  You can donate directly with the button below.  Thanks!

Update

Just wanted to update you on the donations. Thank you to the person who donated $20!  I'm very grateful for your generosity!  That's unfortunately also my grand total.  Seriously even if you could spare $5, please help.  I live very humbly, I am not going to spend this money on anything else but buying this car so I am able to spend more time with the people God has put in my life.  It's so hard to ask for help, but your $5 really will help me.  Thanks!

A Need

Over the past nine months, I have felt needy.  Not emotionally needy, but physically needy.  I have had to ask for help with being able to afford to eat,  I had to ask for a place to stay for free (for three months!) and even for a pair of shoes to replace a pair that was completely worn out.  I sacrificed a lot to fulfill what I still believe was a very clear sign from God for me to go be able to help our church in Berlin.  I do not regret having sold most of my worldly possessions (except my house and some personal items, clothing, etc.) and honestly I would do it again in an instant to have the same experience again.

In making the decision to go, I talked to a lot of spiritual men about my thoughts and they all supported me and walked me through the financial and spiritual challenges that could confront me as a result of making this kind of decision.  I took all of that into consideration and stepped out on faith. I prayed a lot and God blessed my prayers clearly and quickly and in ways that it was very obvious that it was an answer from God.  After all was said and done, it was hard to make the decision to go, despite the fact that in Spokane I was not making enough money to support myself living in my home and taking care of the other responsibilities that I had.  It had become clear to me either way that my time there was coming to an end.

In many ways, the last year of my life has been the most fun and inspiring time of my life.  The relationships I built in the churches in Berlin and Munich, but also the connections (no pun intended) I was able to make outside the church were equally impacting.  At my going-away party, I was so encouraged to hear what people had to say about what God had allowed to work in my being there. I was actually blown away, moved and deeply touched.  

In many other ways, however, the last year has also been the most challenging of my life.  There were days when I didn't know where my next meal would come from, where I was out of money, out of food and had to ask for help.  There were times when I had to wait to the very last moment to find out if my residence permit would be extended or not. Not including my move between hotels, I have moved seven times in the last year.  

One of my prayers in moving to Germany was to put myself in a place where I truly could rely on God.   I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I prayed that prayer!  Don't get me wrong, there is very little I would change about the last year of my life, but it has been incredibly difficult to be on this journey and to live in such a humble way, relying on the generosity of God and others to help me make it through with just the basics. 

I have had to ask for financial help more often than I would like.  But what God has shown me is that when you have a need, sometimes you have to just humble out and ask for help.  I hate it, and frankly I would much rather just be able to take care of my own business without help from anyone.

What I believe that God is showing me is that it's more important for my character to just be humble and ask.   If God has blessed you with a home, a warm bed, and food on your table; if he has made your life comfortable and blessed you with family and everything you could ever want, I would like to make a plea to you.  

In returning to the US, God has blessed me richly with everything I have needed, including a job, a new place to live and wonderful relationships, both new and old. The one thing that I do not have now that I am realizing is a need for me is a car.  I don't need something fancy, just something that is going to get me down the road.  I have found a car that is $600 and is in seemingly very good mechanical condition (although it isn't very pretty). It's great on gas and cheap to insure.  I am trying to borrow money, but the reality is that I am trying to get caught up on some bills and just don't have a lot of room in my budget to have a car payment, even a small one.  

Not having a car is very challenging here.  I am able to get to work just fine, but I am looking into possibly getting additional income from tutoring, which would require me to have a car.  I would also like to be able to help my mom but am unable to get to her house from here by bus.  (Obviously it's possible, but it would be expensive (relatively for me) and would take hours in buses to there and back).   Not to mention, just running to the grocery store or going to visit or encourage friends, run errands, etc. I am also trying to join a gym and the only one I can afford is about 3 miles away. (It's only $10/month!).

So I am asking, in all humility, if you have $5 or $10 or $20 to spare (or more if you are willing), seriously ANY amount will help me.  Either way, please don't give unless you really feel moved to.  I don't want anyone coming to me later and saying that I manipulated them into giving.  Please do it only if it is on your heart to....  The link to donate is below. I believe you can also give anonymously.

Anyway, thanks for hearing me out, and whether you give or not, I am sincerely grateful for your support.  Have a great week!

Job 'n Stuff

Well, I'm happy to report that I've started my job at the hotel and have been in training for the past two weeks.  I've been trained in areas of the hotel that my department has relationships with (reservations, restaurant, housekeeping, etc.) and it has been an interesting time.  I'm glad, however, that on Saturday, I was able to actually start doing my job.

It was a pretty busy day and one of the associates was out sick, so the person who was training me was filling in for them at the front desk.  As a result, I was on the phones, helping customers and coordinating assistance for the guests more or less by myself.  Actually, I think I did okay, and I really enjoyed it. I think this job is such a great fit for my skill set.  My job is a service position where guests call to a central number in the hotel to request everything from shampoo or towels for the rooms, any maintenance issues, room service, or just to ask information.

The job requires me to be in contact with pretty much every department in the hotel to have them deliver the item or service that the guest requires.  I really enjoy it because I love to be in customer service and I'm pretty organized usually and I think it will generally be a fun job.  The other thing I love about it is the people I work with.  They are super friendly and are so eager to help people.  And my co-workers seem happy.

The company also really seems to take excellent care of their employees.  You can tell by the relationships the people have with each other and the guests.  Management tries to work around any days off you request as well as try to get you 2 days off in a row (so you can hopefully have an actual "weekend").  I know it's not always going to be possible to get those requests, but they do want to try their best to make the employees happy.  That's huge for me.

The past week, however, has been a little challenging for me otherwise.  I'm getting used to a new schedule and a new place and physically I have been more tired than normal.  I have great roommates (the couple that's renting the room to me) and they have truly been so generous and loving.  But since I don't drive, I do feel a bit isolated here.  I know things are definitely going in the right direction and I'm very grateful for what I have, so I am trying to just be content.  I really have been blessed with an amazing job and an great living situation.

So I have been sort of knocking around the idea of trying to find a car.  I have been looking on craigslist for a car and most everything has been $1000 or more for basic, barely running cars.  I found an older car that I have been kind of looking at for the past few days and I assumed it had been sold, but this morning I got a call from the guy and he brought it over for me to look at and drive!!  I was amazed at the overall condition of this car.  It's 28 years old and a bit rough, but has actually been very well cared for.  It had decent power and everything worked on it, good tires and brakes, etc.  For $600!!!!

I don't have $600, and I hate asking for help, but I really do need a car just to get to the transit center (some days I have to be at work at 6am), the grocery store, to the gym (trying to start getting into shape), to church and to be able to be of more help in my ministry. If you feel so inclined, I have included a link if you would like to donate, but please don't feel obligated.  I believe if God wants me to have this car, he will make it obvious.

Thank you for checking in with me and I look forward to continuing to update on what's going on with me.  Thanks for your support and all the love you have shown me.  Have a great and productive week and make sure to love up on those that God has put into your lives.

Grrrr....

Tonight's post is going to be a bit of a rant, so I am just going to forewarn you....

First of all, I'm going to start with the good.  I'm very grateful for my new job.  I love working in downtown Seattle.  I love the job description, and the many things I will be doing.  Just imagine all the tasks that take place in a hotel that deal with customer service (except checking people in and waiting tables), I will have a hand in most of the rest of them.  I really think I will enjoy the job....

I am grateful to be all moved into my new place.  I had Sunday and Monday off and with the exception of church, I did little else than start to get my room organized.  I was so tired and sore after a week of moving, and standing while I was training last week. You can say what you want, but being my age and weight and not being used to standing 5-6 hours a day, my feet and my lower back were killing me.  It was nice to have a couple days to just chill out and get stuff done.

So, I got home from work tonight and checked my emails.  I got an email from my credit union that I had requested some information.  I was very frustrated to find out that they were unwilling to follow through with something they had led me to believe they would be willing to do to help me get caught up on some things.  I love my credit union, but I am extremely frustrated by this.

With as much as I have had to deal with lately, I just feel like this is the last straw.  I'm tired, I'm trying, I'm exhausted.  I could really use some things to really start working.  I know this is just a speed bump in the road, but I'm sick of speed bumps.  I want to start making some headway.  I want to start moving forward. I don't need more challenges, I need help and hope.  I feel like I take two step forward and a step and a half back.  I'm so frustrated about this.

I know I just need to go to bed, but I needed to get this off my chest.  I know God's in control and this is all part of the plan, but I'm physically and emotionally at my limit.  Please God, give me some hope and some direction on how to overcome this.  I'm going to bed....