The title of my blog entry today is in honor of my friend Jesse. He posts a meme on facebook often that simply states "When something goes wrong in your life, just yell, "Plot Twist" and move on." I don't say that to mean that something has actually gone wrong, just not the way I thought it would. Not a foreign concept to me of late, but I thought of this immediately based on something that happened yesterday.
I was making some of the final preparations for my move today. One of the stops I had to make was to the transit authority. The rail system is set up into zones (like a dart board). The innermost zone is A, outside the "Ring" line (two trains running opposite directions essentially in a large circle/ellipse around the city) is zone B, and Zone C is mostly rural areas that run up to about 15-20 miles from the center of the city. Where I was going to live was past zone C and you would have to purchase an "ABC" ticket "plus one county." Zone C is surrounded by a number of these different counties and you can only use that ticket in the one county you pick.
Since I still have two weeks left on my monthly pass, I went in to see if I could swap it for a the other ticket (hoping they would give me credit for what I had left) and then sell me the correct type. They said they couldn't do that. Essentially what they told me was that if I were to move out there, my current ticket would be useless and I would have to sell it to someone or lose the nearly 40 Euros (over $50!) still remaining on it. Then, I would still have to buy the other ticket for 127 Euros (about $170!). Not great options, unfortunately.
I was also looking at the map of where I would be living in that town. It's not too far from the train station, but there is no quick or easy way to get there. In fact, walking it would take quite a while, or by bike would still be a good ride. In the winter (coming up soon), it would be challenging... So I was left with a choice, do I try to make it work even though I really couldn't afford all the extra expense, or should I go with another plan? The other thing I had to take into consideration was the amount of time I would have to spend on the train everyday (plus walking to the station). Also, what if there was a problem somewhere along the line or what would happen if I missed my train? It would be another hour before I could catch another.
So I asked some brothers what they thought of the situation and everyone seemed to agree that it would not make sense. A few weeks ago, a lady that I met at the library and who has been visiting our church with some regularity told me that a family member might have a room for rent near Alexanderplatz (one of my favorite places in the city), which is also very centrally located. So, after I had prayed about it, I called them on the room and by the grace of God, was able to go look at it right away.
The room was really nice, and had a bed, dresser, place to hang clothes and a shelf. It's a good sized room, very clean and tidy. Also, got to get to know my flatmates a little better too and I was very pleased with everything I saw. I was also offered an extremely reasonable rate on the room and had just enough to move in. Took some time during the evening to get more advice and to see how God would answer a specific prayer. By 9 p.m., I contacted them to say I was interested. I did also warn them that I wanted to move in today, which they were fine with.
Financially, it would cost me about 30 Euros a month more to live there than if I lived outside the city. Based on the amount of time I would save, my ability to be flexible and to potentially get to an interview or to a job, the consensus was that it was worth the extra 1 Euro per day.
So, a dear brother was kind enough to help me move my stuff in his van to the new place. It was quick and so easy and my new flatmates even helped carry stuff up. I have shared before how much I love going to this area of town and I am so encouraged to actually be able to live there! The apartment is on the 11th floor (that's right eleventh!), I actually have a view out my window and the TV tower is so close, I feel like I could almost touch it. Wow, I'm so blown away that God has allowed me to move here, I'm so excited about this place and my new flatmates (including two cats which also seem pretty cool.)
Once I was done with moving stuff in, I was able to still make my tutoring class and head to the library to hang out with the Lewises and see some kids come in for Halloween.
On that topic... Halloween is just starting to catch on here. There were a few kids that came by the library tonight for candy, but we also had someone throw an egg at the window, too. Hm. One of the things I really used to love about Germany was that it was more traditional and less commercialized. Apparently there are a lot of foreign companies encouraging the same kind of commercialism that I saw in the US. I've gotta be honest, I don't think it's making Germany better. In some ways, it kind of makes me sad, actually. At least I have always enjoyed Halloween and there's really not much anyone can do to turn back the hands of time at this point, so I'll just chalk this up to a taste of home.
And now, it's 9pm and I should probably head home and get some things unpacked. It's been a good, but kind of long day, and I am sure I will sleep well tonight. Can't wait to get back to my new place! Have a safe and happy Halloween, all!!
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Struggling to Hold on to Faith
Good evening from Schöneberg (Berlin)! I am writing to you from the library tonight because I think I'm going to leave my laptop here tonight and just come back in the morning to continue my job search. May do that all week actually, just one less thing to have to move.
I'm not sure what I want to name this post, but I'll share with you a little bit what's going on in my life, my mind and in my heart. I'll work on the title once I've finished putting down my thoughts here...
So, ever since I had my residence permit renewed on the 10th (Thank you, God!!), I have been feeling a lot of different things and I am not sure I have completely come to terms with what all this means. So this post is to help me sort through some of these issues. This is one of the things I love about writing, it's not only therapeutic, informational for you, but it helps me to sort out all the things that sometimes just seem to get jumbled up in my head so that I can have clear(er) direction in what needs to happen next.
First of all, I have noticed something in my character lately. This whole experience has been so amazing. I definitely feel like it has been such a gift from God. I'm so blown away with how he has blessed it, met my every need and given me incredible friendships in the relatively short time I have been here. The fact of the matter is that it has caused some pride in me. It has come out in conversations with people and even in posts on facebook. I'm sorry for that if I have treated any of you that way. I pray for your forgiveness.
I feel like God really believes in me, which is inconceivable to me.... But I look at my current situation and still have mixed feelings. In some ways I have compared my situation to those of some of those in the Bible. I look at Paul's challenges, which were far greater than mine are, but have taken some pride that God believes that I can handle them (with his help, of course) and that I actually have the ability to be successful in them as well. That makes me happy.
I was writing an email message to a friend today and I wrote the words, "I am able to stay in Germany...". I know this is going to sound weird, but I looked at that sentence and was still just blown away by the fact that I am even here. 20 years being away from this place I love is like being 20 years away from family. God has planted Germany so deeply in my heart, it's super humbling to know that I am actually here. I say to my shame that it's become a little bit routine seeing the things that I see and doing the things I do every day. I have certainly learned a lot about myself, about trusting and having complete faith in God, but it's been a very hard-fought battle. But I've grown and have friends that help me to have perspective on what God has done for me and through me here. For that I'm incredibly grateful today.
The last few days have been especially tumultuous in my heart. Battling my demons, fatigue and physical pain in my body (I have slept 2 months on a very soft bed which is wreaking havoc on my back and neck mostly) on top of the emotional stress with my last bout with the Foreigners Authority, have left me very weary and exhausted both physically and mentally. Additionally, I currently live about an hour from pretty much everywhere I usually go and my living situation is relatively challenging, generally speaking.
Please don't misunderstand me. I am extremely grateful for the generosity of Thomas and Jared, but one thing about where I currently live is that it is fairly chaotic. I don't do well with chaos. At All. I don't want this to sound like a complaint, if anything it is more of a confession. I am very grateful to have a roof over my head, but the apartment where I live has undergone what seems to be a partial renovation (ie: unfinished) and the room I stay in is filled with my stuff and stuff that belongs to my flatmate. I am living out of suitcases and the room is generally chaotic and messy. So I do try to clean the apartment regularly, but usually doesn't last too long. I tend to do most if not all of the cleaning in the apartment (again, not a big deal because they are gracious enough to let me stay there free). The apartment building is also right in the final approaches to Tegel Airport, so planes are flying in and out, only about 500 feet above the house and they are quite loud. I've drowned out the sound by now a bit, but it is still another kind of "noise" in my mind.
I'm saying all this because I don't feel like home is the place of peace and rest I want (except to sleep). It's hard to get comfortable there and I think that has worn on me a bit over the past two months. I wanted to be open about these things as a bit of confession but also so that you understand a bit more what my life here is like.
I am supposed to move in about 40 hours and, as of now, I still don't even have the address of my new place. I have to be honest, this is starting to add more stress to an already busy and challenging week. I believe God is just seeing if I am going to trust him or if I am going to try to take control again. There's a very fine balance there somewhere that I am trying to figure out.
The other thing, and I mentioned this in one of my previous posts, I am struggling to know how to continue on with my job search. Do I continue to flood the market with applications to hotels, which, so far, has produced nothing but rejections? Should I do better with follow-up? Do I try something altogether different? If so, then what? Is there something more I can do in my relationship with God? How can I continue to keep my faith up after so many denials? How can I spend more time with God through all this, despite spending even more time getting around? I'm sure there are a thousand other possible questions I could ask, but I'll struggle with these few for now. I am, however, open to any input from any of you reading this blog... Please feel free to comment on here or send me an email or facebook me if you're my friend on there.
This morning, I got together with a brother and just had to get open. I'm really struggling with all of these things right now. I have tried to be so faithful during this whole process (and in many ways, have fallen way short). I have sacrificed, worked incredibly hard for incredibly long, and I still have not seen God bless the literally thousands, if not tens-of-thousands, of prayers that we have all prayed for my situation. I just don't understand this. As I sat with this brother this morning, I just opened up to him how much I am struggling with why God has not blessed all these prayers for a job, why he is allowing me to get so far behind on my bills that could have some very far reaching effects if they don't get taken care of soon, etc. He showed me the scripture that says that God will not give us anything we cannot handle. I looked at that verse and just broke down in tears. I told the brother, I'm not sure I believe that right now. He encouraged me and read me some other scriptures that brought me back around. We prayed together and I cried out to God for help and for that miracle I have been waiting and praying for.
The reality is that I see God doing some very specific things to give me hope, like having my residence permit extended, provided a roof over my head, food in my stomach and even the ability to buy some necessary winter clothing, etc. God has been incredibly giving to me and I just need to weather this storm, but I have to be careful to really let him be in control, not just to grit my teeth and power through. I want to be able to do it with peace.
Please pray for me to renew my confidence in God and for him to bless me with something very soon. My situation is getting serious and I really need to move forward. I think my new living situation will be very good for me, I'm looking forward to having a place to call "home", where I can hang out with someone who also has a spiritual mindset, maybe be able to read the Bible together, pray together or even just chill out and pop some popcorn and put in a movie, I really miss being able to do that. It's those little things we take for granted sometimes.
There are times that I think I must be crazy, then I remember what God has done to bring me to this point. Even in the Bible, faith doesn't always "make sense" in the traditional sense. The thing I'm realizing is that despite this, I am trying to balance being responsible and independent with being humble enough to ask for help. This seems to be a recurring theme in my life here. I want so desperately to be able to work again. I miss working (even though it's also been nice to have a break). I enjoy working and giving back to society.
I have been able to work a couple hours a week filling in for an English teacher/tutor at a small school. It's been really cool to work with pre-teen and teen students, helping them. What great kids! A few hours of work per week is great, but it is unfortunately not enough to live on. I'm very grateful to have the opportunity though, I've really enjoyed it.
I have to share one thing that happened to me today. At the library today, I was sharing with a woman I have known since shortly after I arrived here about how I am starting to feel a bit impatient. Something in the moment and the conversation made me laugh so hard. She said essentially that maybe God is just saying "Wait for it..... Wait for it......... BAM!" The way she said it and in the context of the conversation made me just about fall over laughing. I'm sure it'll be obvious when the "bam" moment has arrived.
In one of my very early posts after arriving here, I wrote about the dog in the woman's bicycle basket. The dog didn't know where it was going, it just knew it was with it's owner and settled down and didn't worry about what was going to happen next, to just enjoy the ride. I need to remember that even though I do have to do some work on my end, God is ultimately get me there safely. I need to just enjoy being with my heavenly dad and enjoy the time that I am having here.
I know one day I will look back at these posts with my 20/20 hindsight and be like, "Wow, look what God brought me through." For now, I battle on, trying to love and trust the greatest thing in the universe and to serve and love the people of Berlin.
I'm not sure what I want to name this post, but I'll share with you a little bit what's going on in my life, my mind and in my heart. I'll work on the title once I've finished putting down my thoughts here...
So, ever since I had my residence permit renewed on the 10th (Thank you, God!!), I have been feeling a lot of different things and I am not sure I have completely come to terms with what all this means. So this post is to help me sort through some of these issues. This is one of the things I love about writing, it's not only therapeutic, informational for you, but it helps me to sort out all the things that sometimes just seem to get jumbled up in my head so that I can have clear(er) direction in what needs to happen next.
First of all, I have noticed something in my character lately. This whole experience has been so amazing. I definitely feel like it has been such a gift from God. I'm so blown away with how he has blessed it, met my every need and given me incredible friendships in the relatively short time I have been here. The fact of the matter is that it has caused some pride in me. It has come out in conversations with people and even in posts on facebook. I'm sorry for that if I have treated any of you that way. I pray for your forgiveness.
I feel like God really believes in me, which is inconceivable to me.... But I look at my current situation and still have mixed feelings. In some ways I have compared my situation to those of some of those in the Bible. I look at Paul's challenges, which were far greater than mine are, but have taken some pride that God believes that I can handle them (with his help, of course) and that I actually have the ability to be successful in them as well. That makes me happy.
I was writing an email message to a friend today and I wrote the words, "I am able to stay in Germany...". I know this is going to sound weird, but I looked at that sentence and was still just blown away by the fact that I am even here. 20 years being away from this place I love is like being 20 years away from family. God has planted Germany so deeply in my heart, it's super humbling to know that I am actually here. I say to my shame that it's become a little bit routine seeing the things that I see and doing the things I do every day. I have certainly learned a lot about myself, about trusting and having complete faith in God, but it's been a very hard-fought battle. But I've grown and have friends that help me to have perspective on what God has done for me and through me here. For that I'm incredibly grateful today.
The last few days have been especially tumultuous in my heart. Battling my demons, fatigue and physical pain in my body (I have slept 2 months on a very soft bed which is wreaking havoc on my back and neck mostly) on top of the emotional stress with my last bout with the Foreigners Authority, have left me very weary and exhausted both physically and mentally. Additionally, I currently live about an hour from pretty much everywhere I usually go and my living situation is relatively challenging, generally speaking.
Please don't misunderstand me. I am extremely grateful for the generosity of Thomas and Jared, but one thing about where I currently live is that it is fairly chaotic. I don't do well with chaos. At All. I don't want this to sound like a complaint, if anything it is more of a confession. I am very grateful to have a roof over my head, but the apartment where I live has undergone what seems to be a partial renovation (ie: unfinished) and the room I stay in is filled with my stuff and stuff that belongs to my flatmate. I am living out of suitcases and the room is generally chaotic and messy. So I do try to clean the apartment regularly, but usually doesn't last too long. I tend to do most if not all of the cleaning in the apartment (again, not a big deal because they are gracious enough to let me stay there free). The apartment building is also right in the final approaches to Tegel Airport, so planes are flying in and out, only about 500 feet above the house and they are quite loud. I've drowned out the sound by now a bit, but it is still another kind of "noise" in my mind.
I'm saying all this because I don't feel like home is the place of peace and rest I want (except to sleep). It's hard to get comfortable there and I think that has worn on me a bit over the past two months. I wanted to be open about these things as a bit of confession but also so that you understand a bit more what my life here is like.
I am supposed to move in about 40 hours and, as of now, I still don't even have the address of my new place. I have to be honest, this is starting to add more stress to an already busy and challenging week. I believe God is just seeing if I am going to trust him or if I am going to try to take control again. There's a very fine balance there somewhere that I am trying to figure out.
The other thing, and I mentioned this in one of my previous posts, I am struggling to know how to continue on with my job search. Do I continue to flood the market with applications to hotels, which, so far, has produced nothing but rejections? Should I do better with follow-up? Do I try something altogether different? If so, then what? Is there something more I can do in my relationship with God? How can I continue to keep my faith up after so many denials? How can I spend more time with God through all this, despite spending even more time getting around? I'm sure there are a thousand other possible questions I could ask, but I'll struggle with these few for now. I am, however, open to any input from any of you reading this blog... Please feel free to comment on here or send me an email or facebook me if you're my friend on there.
This morning, I got together with a brother and just had to get open. I'm really struggling with all of these things right now. I have tried to be so faithful during this whole process (and in many ways, have fallen way short). I have sacrificed, worked incredibly hard for incredibly long, and I still have not seen God bless the literally thousands, if not tens-of-thousands, of prayers that we have all prayed for my situation. I just don't understand this. As I sat with this brother this morning, I just opened up to him how much I am struggling with why God has not blessed all these prayers for a job, why he is allowing me to get so far behind on my bills that could have some very far reaching effects if they don't get taken care of soon, etc. He showed me the scripture that says that God will not give us anything we cannot handle. I looked at that verse and just broke down in tears. I told the brother, I'm not sure I believe that right now. He encouraged me and read me some other scriptures that brought me back around. We prayed together and I cried out to God for help and for that miracle I have been waiting and praying for.
The reality is that I see God doing some very specific things to give me hope, like having my residence permit extended, provided a roof over my head, food in my stomach and even the ability to buy some necessary winter clothing, etc. God has been incredibly giving to me and I just need to weather this storm, but I have to be careful to really let him be in control, not just to grit my teeth and power through. I want to be able to do it with peace.
Please pray for me to renew my confidence in God and for him to bless me with something very soon. My situation is getting serious and I really need to move forward. I think my new living situation will be very good for me, I'm looking forward to having a place to call "home", where I can hang out with someone who also has a spiritual mindset, maybe be able to read the Bible together, pray together or even just chill out and pop some popcorn and put in a movie, I really miss being able to do that. It's those little things we take for granted sometimes.
There are times that I think I must be crazy, then I remember what God has done to bring me to this point. Even in the Bible, faith doesn't always "make sense" in the traditional sense. The thing I'm realizing is that despite this, I am trying to balance being responsible and independent with being humble enough to ask for help. This seems to be a recurring theme in my life here. I want so desperately to be able to work again. I miss working (even though it's also been nice to have a break). I enjoy working and giving back to society.
I have been able to work a couple hours a week filling in for an English teacher/tutor at a small school. It's been really cool to work with pre-teen and teen students, helping them. What great kids! A few hours of work per week is great, but it is unfortunately not enough to live on. I'm very grateful to have the opportunity though, I've really enjoyed it.
I have to share one thing that happened to me today. At the library today, I was sharing with a woman I have known since shortly after I arrived here about how I am starting to feel a bit impatient. Something in the moment and the conversation made me laugh so hard. She said essentially that maybe God is just saying "Wait for it..... Wait for it......... BAM!" The way she said it and in the context of the conversation made me just about fall over laughing. I'm sure it'll be obvious when the "bam" moment has arrived.
In one of my very early posts after arriving here, I wrote about the dog in the woman's bicycle basket. The dog didn't know where it was going, it just knew it was with it's owner and settled down and didn't worry about what was going to happen next, to just enjoy the ride. I need to remember that even though I do have to do some work on my end, God is ultimately get me there safely. I need to just enjoy being with my heavenly dad and enjoy the time that I am having here.
I know one day I will look back at these posts with my 20/20 hindsight and be like, "Wow, look what God brought me through." For now, I battle on, trying to love and trust the greatest thing in the universe and to serve and love the people of Berlin.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Here We Go Again!
I want to be known as a relational guy. I want to have deep positive friendships with people. I think God has blessed this in my life in a very significant way, but I am seeing that I definitely have some work to do here.... I am feeling the need to be resolved about some things in certain relationships. Nothing really huge, but who's to say that they won't become a big deal later. Nothing gets better by not dealing with it. So, I have decided to try to have a few conversations, a few of them where I just need to humble out and listen and see what I can do to smooth out situations from the past. God has put some interesting conversations and situations in my path lately, I believe as a test to see if I will deal with them. Either way, I think I'm ready, but it's hard and it's humbling. By the way, if you know me and have any issues with me, please let me know privately and confidentially and I would be happy to discuss with you.
So now comes the fun part in my new-found extended stay here in Germany: trying to figure out the best way to do the job search. I am trying to learn from the past what has worked and what has not. Are there any other areas I should be looking? (Please feel free to post a message with ideas for a multilingual person who is good in customer service, having worked in the insurance and hotel industries. I'm open for new ideas.
Today in that regard, I thought I had an interview on Nov 7, but it looks like they need confirmation of my work and residence permits and my German/European citizenship. Well, I guess I need to really hit those English schools and courses really hard this week. I have set my deadline as Nov. 25, which is only 31 days away! I could really use your prayers as I am feeling a bit discouraged about this development today.
It's also looking like I am moving this weekend or early next week. It looks like I will be moving a bit outside of Berlin to a small town called Eberswalde. A friend who is studying the Bible has generously offered to let me stay there for a while and I'm excited to get some time to have a roommate that is spiritually minded and interested in growing in his faith. I haven't been there yet, but I figured out that it is nearly 40 miles north of the center of the city. It's more expensive to get into town, but at least with the train, it's a quicker train with significantly fewer stops, so it shouldn't take much longer to get most places. There are some trade-offs, but overall I think this will be a good situation for me.
Also, I found out last night that someone I helped become a Christian back in 1995 in Seattle has gone missing. Please pray for his safety, his name is John.
Thanks for looking in on me, will keep you all updated on the latest happenings in this very eventful time in my life. Have a great weekend everyone!
So now comes the fun part in my new-found extended stay here in Germany: trying to figure out the best way to do the job search. I am trying to learn from the past what has worked and what has not. Are there any other areas I should be looking? (Please feel free to post a message with ideas for a multilingual person who is good in customer service, having worked in the insurance and hotel industries. I'm open for new ideas.
Today in that regard, I thought I had an interview on Nov 7, but it looks like they need confirmation of my work and residence permits and my German/European citizenship.
It's also looking like I am moving this weekend or early next week. It looks like I will be moving a bit outside of Berlin to a small town called Eberswalde. A friend who is studying the Bible has generously offered to let me stay there for a while and I'm excited to get some time to have a roommate that is spiritually minded and interested in growing in his faith. I haven't been there yet, but I figured out that it is nearly 40 miles north of the center of the city. It's more expensive to get into town, but at least with the train, it's a quicker train with significantly fewer stops, so it shouldn't take much longer to get most places. There are some trade-offs, but overall I think this will be a good situation for me.
Also, I found out last night that someone I helped become a Christian back in 1995 in Seattle has gone missing. Please pray for his safety, his name is John.
Thanks for looking in on me, will keep you all updated on the latest happenings in this very eventful time in my life. Have a great weekend everyone!
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
A Few Points and Another Soap Box Moment
So I am very excited because sometime in the past day or two, this blog reached 5,000 hits all-time! In the last 30 days, over 1,100 hits! Thanks everyone for your support!
Well, it's been a good day, got some laundry done (just couldn't wait any more to do it) and then headed to the library. Pretty normal day.
I was trying to get started with my job search and I got a call from a brother asking if I would like to do some tutoring tomorrow for some junior high and high-school-aged kids. I said that I would be interested. So I met him and got some information prepared for tutoring 2-90 minute classes tomorrow. This is just a one-day thing, but I'm grateful for an opportunity to work! That kinda made my day...
Also, I was confused last week because all of my electronic devices seem to go on the fritz here in Germany. Last week it was my very very very cheap $15 MP-3 player. I figured I had gotten a couple years use out of the thing, even though I really hadn't used it that much, but today it magically started working again. I'm not complaining! Kinda weird, huh? Okay, who was praying about my electronics? If you could also pray for my camera and video camera, too please! Thanks! LOL
So, I need to get on my soapbox for a minute (for those not familiar with this saying, it means I am about to share a strong opinion)... I wrote and posted this on my facebook wall tonight, and I would encourage you to read it and try to understand the heart behind it:
"It's really discouraging to constantly hear people say that Obama is to blame for everything these days. Whether you like him or not is not important because it takes a MAJORITY of Congress (Dems and Reps) to pass bills (like the new health plan), not just the President. My suggestion is if you don't like who is currently in power, find out how your representatives vote and vote them out if you don't like what they have done. WE voted them into power, so the responsibility lies with us. Americans need to understand that WE have the power in the country with our right to vote, not Congress. If you are not willing to research your representatives, you should not vote or complain about what is currently happening."
YOU absolutely have the power to remove these imbeciles from office and to change the system. I am frankly tired of hearing people complain (and there IS a ton of problems) about our current government, the system, and the people that claim to represent our interests. We need to warn our lawmakers that we intend to remove them if they don't start representing us. You have the right to call and write your representatives in Congress and let them know we will not put up with this nonsense any longer the next time they come up for re-election.
Have you researched your candidates? Have you met them? Have you looked at their records of how they voted? Have you looked at any of the bills they have supported or not? Me either... But it's time I started. We can no longer afford a government that is only looking for ways around the law, or to line their own pockets with our money or serve their own (or friends') interests. If you want to vote, you really need to do your homework. If you don't, you're allowing these men and women have their way with our lives and our money. I hope at the next election, you stand up and vote for someone who is not in the Washington DC mainstream. Write yourself in if you must, but there needs to be a "revolution" to be had in the voting booths. We just can't keep on like this. The people DO have the power, let's exercise it properly!
I'll step off my soap box now. Thanks for looking in on me. Please keep those prayers coming! Have a great week!!!
Well, it's been a good day, got some laundry done (just couldn't wait any more to do it) and then headed to the library. Pretty normal day.
I was trying to get started with my job search and I got a call from a brother asking if I would like to do some tutoring tomorrow for some junior high and high-school-aged kids. I said that I would be interested. So I met him and got some information prepared for tutoring 2-90 minute classes tomorrow. This is just a one-day thing, but I'm grateful for an opportunity to work! That kinda made my day...
Also, I was confused last week because all of my electronic devices seem to go on the fritz here in Germany. Last week it was my very very very cheap $15 MP-3 player. I figured I had gotten a couple years use out of the thing, even though I really hadn't used it that much, but today it magically started working again. I'm not complaining! Kinda weird, huh? Okay, who was praying about my electronics? If you could also pray for my camera and video camera, too please! Thanks! LOL
So, I need to get on my soapbox for a minute (for those not familiar with this saying, it means I am about to share a strong opinion)... I wrote and posted this on my facebook wall tonight, and I would encourage you to read it and try to understand the heart behind it:
"It's really discouraging to constantly hear people say that Obama is to blame for everything these days. Whether you like him or not is not important because it takes a MAJORITY of Congress (Dems and Reps) to pass bills (like the new health plan), not just the President. My suggestion is if you don't like who is currently in power, find out how your representatives vote and vote them out if you don't like what they have done. WE voted them into power, so the responsibility lies with us. Americans need to understand that WE have the power in the country with our right to vote, not Congress. If you are not willing to research your representatives, you should not vote or complain about what is currently happening."
YOU absolutely have the power to remove these imbeciles from office and to change the system. I am frankly tired of hearing people complain (and there IS a ton of problems) about our current government, the system, and the people that claim to represent our interests. We need to warn our lawmakers that we intend to remove them if they don't start representing us. You have the right to call and write your representatives in Congress and let them know we will not put up with this nonsense any longer the next time they come up for re-election.
Have you researched your candidates? Have you met them? Have you looked at their records of how they voted? Have you looked at any of the bills they have supported or not? Me either... But it's time I started. We can no longer afford a government that is only looking for ways around the law, or to line their own pockets with our money or serve their own (or friends') interests. If you want to vote, you really need to do your homework. If you don't, you're allowing these men and women have their way with our lives and our money. I hope at the next election, you stand up and vote for someone who is not in the Washington DC mainstream. Write yourself in if you must, but there needs to be a "revolution" to be had in the voting booths. We just can't keep on like this. The people DO have the power, let's exercise it properly!
I'll step off my soap box now. Thanks for looking in on me. Please keep those prayers coming! Have a great week!!!
Monday, October 14, 2013
Getting Back on the Horse is Not Without It's Challenges
Had a relaxing weekend with lot of time pestering the single brothers. Whoever said that it takes a long time for Germans to warm up to strangers is wrong with these brothers, they are great, and they quickly accepted me here. It was otherwise a laid-back weekend, just trying to get refreshed from a very challenging week emotionally.
After church yesterday, I tried to get a few people together to go to an Oktoberfest celebration on Alexanderplatz, which apparently was also ending yesterday. It wasn't exactly as big or impressive as the original in Munich, but it was still pretty fun. Cynthia, Christiana, Oliver, Matthias, Christiana, Corinne and I were able to enjoy each other's company in a large beer "tent". They served my favorite Oktoberfest beer, Paulaner, and I was able to tear into another half chicken. Christian was in heaven with his Schweinehax'n.
Afterward, Oliver and Corinne and I went to Friedrichshain Park where we walked around for a while and chatted. It was sunny but it wasn't very warm. Oliver mentioned that the hill in the park is a "Trümmerberg", which means it was not a natural hill, it was built on the rubble collected after World War 2. I've been hoping to find one of these because this is one of the things I learned about in high school while learning German. It was a surprisingly large hill...
On the way back, we stopped to get a warm drink, then we headed home (actually I headed to the brother's place to hang out with them for their family night).
I got home and had an email from my renter in Spokane. Apparently there is something wrong with the shower surround that I installed in March, right before I left. I'm dreading this because I don't really have any money to fix it and not sure what to do. An amazing brother has already said he will go out there to look at it, but I have a strange feeling that this is not going to be cheap. Ugh. I really don't need this right now.
So, today is the first day of the rest of my life.... Getting back on the horse, so to speak. I sent three applications today whilst dealing with system issues. Anyway, it's 4pm and I think I'm going to go out and run some errands and enjoy the last bit of warm(ish) weather. It's sunny out and I have been inside all day long. So, on that note, that's the update from here... Much love from Falkenhagener Feld/Spandau, Berlin, Germany.
After church yesterday, I tried to get a few people together to go to an Oktoberfest celebration on Alexanderplatz, which apparently was also ending yesterday. It wasn't exactly as big or impressive as the original in Munich, but it was still pretty fun. Cynthia, Christiana, Oliver, Matthias, Christiana, Corinne and I were able to enjoy each other's company in a large beer "tent". They served my favorite Oktoberfest beer, Paulaner, and I was able to tear into another half chicken. Christian was in heaven with his Schweinehax'n.
Afterward, Oliver and Corinne and I went to Friedrichshain Park where we walked around for a while and chatted. It was sunny but it wasn't very warm. Oliver mentioned that the hill in the park is a "Trümmerberg", which means it was not a natural hill, it was built on the rubble collected after World War 2. I've been hoping to find one of these because this is one of the things I learned about in high school while learning German. It was a surprisingly large hill...
On the way back, we stopped to get a warm drink, then we headed home (actually I headed to the brother's place to hang out with them for their family night).
I got home and had an email from my renter in Spokane. Apparently there is something wrong with the shower surround that I installed in March, right before I left. I'm dreading this because I don't really have any money to fix it and not sure what to do. An amazing brother has already said he will go out there to look at it, but I have a strange feeling that this is not going to be cheap. Ugh. I really don't need this right now.
So, today is the first day of the rest of my life.... Getting back on the horse, so to speak. I sent three applications today whilst dealing with system issues. Anyway, it's 4pm and I think I'm going to go out and run some errands and enjoy the last bit of warm(ish) weather. It's sunny out and I have been inside all day long. So, on that note, that's the update from here... Much love from Falkenhagener Feld/Spandau, Berlin, Germany.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
A Giant Leap for Timkind....
Today was the day. It was my last ditch effort and the question kept running through my mind like an out-of-control locomotive. What would they say? Would I be able to stay in Germany, or would I have to pack my bags and leave immediately, or maybe they would even arrest me and throw me in jail or escort me to the airport?
I posted last night that I was feeling tired. That was true... I still feel tired, because it has been an exhausting week of not knowing the outcome of this time in my life. I have experienced a tremendous amount of anxiety and the emotional roller coaster that I have been riding for the last week or two has really taken everything out of me. I really had no energy today, I sort of just trudged through my morning, trying to get the motivation to spend an hour on the train, only to get turned down. At least that was the fear....
So, I finally got motivated and got out of the house about 11 a.m. Made the journey and took "that" walk again from the train station along one of the most boring stretches of road in all of Berlin. As I trudged along in the rain this morning, I felt like a convict on his way to the gallows, waiting to stand before the executioner to plead my case one last time before he pulled the lever. I finally made it down that long, lonely road and climbed two flights of stairs to face my fate. On my way up the stairs, I was surprised at how many people were waiting to talk to these bureaucrats who held their fates in their hands. There were significantly more people there today than I had seen there before.
I reached the 2nd floor (3rd floor in the US) and found my way to the waiting room. The way it works in this particular office is that you wait in line to speak with someone at the window, then if they felt your cause had merit, they gave you a number to wait to have a more in-depth discussion with someone there. The line was quite long and the poor girl behind the glass was visibly frazzled by how many people were there. She was a nice young woman and was polite but to the point. I told her briefly how I didn't get the job I had hoped for on Tuesday, but was unable to meet with someone then because they closed shortly before I arrived. I asked if there was any way to extend...
She looked at my passport and at me and asked nonchalantly "Can we just extend that 3 more months for you?" In shock, I simply answered, "that would be great." She said fine and gave me a number. She told me to come back around 4 p.m. She said I didn't need to wait then, just come back.
I have to be honest, I was very skeptical. She kept my passport and of course every negative scenario was playing out in my head. Would I come back to have the Polizei waiting for me, or was this a legit deal? I decided to try to allay my fears as much as possible and just return around 4 p.m.
I went to the library and Larry and Teri were there. I told them that I had some bad news, that they would have to put up with me for another 3 months. You should have seen Larry's eyes.... LOL. We talked about it and we were all so glad. I told him that I can't wait to actually have it in my hands because I was a bit skeptical about the whole thing. So, about 3 p.m., I got back on the subway and headed back up to the Foreigner Registration office.
As promised, I returned shortly before 4 p.m. and when I walked into the room, the girl I spoke with earlier saw me and gave me a big smile and said, "Oh, we have that ready for you." I smiled back as she handed me my passport, the residence permit and a letter confirming my ability to stay. I asked if I needed to pay at one of the kiosks in the building, she said no, that extensions were free! I thanked her profusely and went on my way. I put everything in my bag and walked out of the building, utterly stunned. Just to make sure, I got all the information out again to confirm I had gotten my passport back and double-checked the date. Sure enough, I was actually legal until Jan. 9, 2014!
Then I tried to call Katja. No answer. I tried calling Christoph. No answer. Where was everyone???? I have this great news and I can't share it with anyone! Anyway, I did get a hold of Jürgen and he was as relieved as I was. We had a good conversation and I walked back to the subway station.
I mentioned that I have been feeling a little stressed about today, it really could have gone either way, but God just totally blew me away! Now, I just need to deal with how I am currently feeling so that I can get myself back on the horse and ride (ie: start looking for work). I plan to start tomorrow, I was just too exhausted to start today and once I got back, there wasn't much time to look for work anyway. If I don't have a job by Nov. 25, I will make plans to return to the states on the date my flight is currently scheduled, Dec. 19, 3 weeks short of the expiration date on my residence permit.
To celebrate, I wanted to see who wanted to go out and "eat a beer" ( I was tired and obviously not thinking clearly.) Ulf and Matthias and I went to Doree, where they both got a beer, I opted to celebrate with a banana split. I couldn't do a beer and a banana split.
I shared at the men's devotional tonight how I feel like my faith has really been lacking this week. I want to take a moment here to thank everyone for not only just praying for my situation, but by having faith in God with me, and for me this week. I asked a couple weeks ago for your faith, and I feel like you guys really moved God's heart to help me this way today. I'm eternally grateful for all of you who participated in this. Your prayers really did work!
I am looking forward to sleep tonight, I know I will sleep like a rock, a blissful deep sleep. Thank you again for all your support and love, I'm amazed at what God is doing through all of our prayers!
I posted last night that I was feeling tired. That was true... I still feel tired, because it has been an exhausting week of not knowing the outcome of this time in my life. I have experienced a tremendous amount of anxiety and the emotional roller coaster that I have been riding for the last week or two has really taken everything out of me. I really had no energy today, I sort of just trudged through my morning, trying to get the motivation to spend an hour on the train, only to get turned down. At least that was the fear....
So, I finally got motivated and got out of the house about 11 a.m. Made the journey and took "that" walk again from the train station along one of the most boring stretches of road in all of Berlin. As I trudged along in the rain this morning, I felt like a convict on his way to the gallows, waiting to stand before the executioner to plead my case one last time before he pulled the lever. I finally made it down that long, lonely road and climbed two flights of stairs to face my fate. On my way up the stairs, I was surprised at how many people were waiting to talk to these bureaucrats who held their fates in their hands. There were significantly more people there today than I had seen there before.
I reached the 2nd floor (3rd floor in the US) and found my way to the waiting room. The way it works in this particular office is that you wait in line to speak with someone at the window, then if they felt your cause had merit, they gave you a number to wait to have a more in-depth discussion with someone there. The line was quite long and the poor girl behind the glass was visibly frazzled by how many people were there. She was a nice young woman and was polite but to the point. I told her briefly how I didn't get the job I had hoped for on Tuesday, but was unable to meet with someone then because they closed shortly before I arrived. I asked if there was any way to extend...
She looked at my passport and at me and asked nonchalantly "Can we just extend that 3 more months for you?" In shock, I simply answered, "that would be great." She said fine and gave me a number. She told me to come back around 4 p.m. She said I didn't need to wait then, just come back.
I have to be honest, I was very skeptical. She kept my passport and of course every negative scenario was playing out in my head. Would I come back to have the Polizei waiting for me, or was this a legit deal? I decided to try to allay my fears as much as possible and just return around 4 p.m.
I went to the library and Larry and Teri were there. I told them that I had some bad news, that they would have to put up with me for another 3 months. You should have seen Larry's eyes.... LOL. We talked about it and we were all so glad. I told him that I can't wait to actually have it in my hands because I was a bit skeptical about the whole thing. So, about 3 p.m., I got back on the subway and headed back up to the Foreigner Registration office.
As promised, I returned shortly before 4 p.m. and when I walked into the room, the girl I spoke with earlier saw me and gave me a big smile and said, "Oh, we have that ready for you." I smiled back as she handed me my passport, the residence permit and a letter confirming my ability to stay. I asked if I needed to pay at one of the kiosks in the building, she said no, that extensions were free! I thanked her profusely and went on my way. I put everything in my bag and walked out of the building, utterly stunned. Just to make sure, I got all the information out again to confirm I had gotten my passport back and double-checked the date. Sure enough, I was actually legal until Jan. 9, 2014!
Then I tried to call Katja. No answer. I tried calling Christoph. No answer. Where was everyone???? I have this great news and I can't share it with anyone! Anyway, I did get a hold of Jürgen and he was as relieved as I was. We had a good conversation and I walked back to the subway station.
I mentioned that I have been feeling a little stressed about today, it really could have gone either way, but God just totally blew me away! Now, I just need to deal with how I am currently feeling so that I can get myself back on the horse and ride (ie: start looking for work). I plan to start tomorrow, I was just too exhausted to start today and once I got back, there wasn't much time to look for work anyway. If I don't have a job by Nov. 25, I will make plans to return to the states on the date my flight is currently scheduled, Dec. 19, 3 weeks short of the expiration date on my residence permit.
To celebrate, I wanted to see who wanted to go out and "eat a beer" ( I was tired and obviously not thinking clearly.) Ulf and Matthias and I went to Doree, where they both got a beer, I opted to celebrate with a banana split. I couldn't do a beer and a banana split.
I shared at the men's devotional tonight how I feel like my faith has really been lacking this week. I want to take a moment here to thank everyone for not only just praying for my situation, but by having faith in God with me, and for me this week. I asked a couple weeks ago for your faith, and I feel like you guys really moved God's heart to help me this way today. I'm eternally grateful for all of you who participated in this. Your prayers really did work!
I am looking forward to sleep tonight, I know I will sleep like a rock, a blissful deep sleep. Thank you again for all your support and love, I'm amazed at what God is doing through all of our prayers!
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Finally Open to God's Will
For the last few days, the amazing Katja has been planning a party for me, which took place tonight. Neither of us knew if it would be a celebration or good-bye party until, well, tonight! It may still not be good-bye, but either way, I was extremely encouraged. At the party were Sameh, Katja, Jolee, Corinne, Andreas, Kurt, Oliver, Cynthia, Christiana, Kyeung, Anka, Vlad, Florence, Jürgen, Christoph and myself. People shared, but it occurred to me as people were sharing that the friendships with these amazing people have happened in only six months! I feel like I have known many of them for much longer because the friendship we share is so deep. It was extremely encouraging and humbling to hear everyone's hearts and the experiences, the fun times and deep, meaningful times we shared. Thank you to everyone who was able to come and for sharing good things about me!
Tomorrow morning I go in to the Foreigner Registration office to plead my case. I have decided that I am not going to project anything on this talk. I appreciate the people that have said we should be praying for God's will.... not just what I want. There is a lot of wisdom in this. This is sort of a last ditch effort to see if God really wants me to stay. I have been praying for God to make it very obvious. Either way this goes, either yea or nay, I believe it will be obvious. Tomorrow I will begin to make plans based on what I find out. Potentially I could be back in Seattle in the next few days. I have no intention on staying longer if they tell me I must leave.
Confession time here. First of all I want to say that this has been the single most challenging thing I have ever done, but it has also been one of the most rewarding, too. I have given my whole heart to it and I believe God has blessed it way beyond my wildest expectations. I don't say that lightly, he really has... The reality of where I am at physically and emotionally is that I am tired. I have tried hard to find a job, build relationships, and be what God wants me to be as a man, and as a brother to the family here, but I really am just tired now. I've given my all and I don't regret my time here, and the relationships I have built. Please don't misunderstand what I am saying, right now I don't feel discouraged or defeated, just that I have worked very hard. The last thing I want to do is to fight God on this, but I do want to pursue every avenue before I finalize my decision. I want to be able to confidently say, "I gave it my best shot to stay, I left no stone un-turned", and I can return to the US with a clear conscious, no regrets that there was something more I could have done. Isn't that the way we all want to live?
It's late and I need to get some rest. I am a very blessed man to have so many people love me in this amazing city. I love them so much and I hope that I can either stay now and find a job quickly, or be back soon to finish what God has started here. I have a deep sense of accomplishment about my time here; but will be sorry if it does, in fact, have to end here. I'll post again tomorrow (time permitting) to let you know the next steps. Thanks for your prayers and good thoughts and vibes, keep 'em coming!
Tomorrow morning I go in to the Foreigner Registration office to plead my case. I have decided that I am not going to project anything on this talk. I appreciate the people that have said we should be praying for God's will.... not just what I want. There is a lot of wisdom in this. This is sort of a last ditch effort to see if God really wants me to stay. I have been praying for God to make it very obvious. Either way this goes, either yea or nay, I believe it will be obvious. Tomorrow I will begin to make plans based on what I find out. Potentially I could be back in Seattle in the next few days. I have no intention on staying longer if they tell me I must leave.
Confession time here. First of all I want to say that this has been the single most challenging thing I have ever done, but it has also been one of the most rewarding, too. I have given my whole heart to it and I believe God has blessed it way beyond my wildest expectations. I don't say that lightly, he really has... The reality of where I am at physically and emotionally is that I am tired. I have tried hard to find a job, build relationships, and be what God wants me to be as a man, and as a brother to the family here, but I really am just tired now. I've given my all and I don't regret my time here, and the relationships I have built. Please don't misunderstand what I am saying, right now I don't feel discouraged or defeated, just that I have worked very hard. The last thing I want to do is to fight God on this, but I do want to pursue every avenue before I finalize my decision. I want to be able to confidently say, "I gave it my best shot to stay, I left no stone un-turned", and I can return to the US with a clear conscious, no regrets that there was something more I could have done. Isn't that the way we all want to live?
It's late and I need to get some rest. I am a very blessed man to have so many people love me in this amazing city. I love them so much and I hope that I can either stay now and find a job quickly, or be back soon to finish what God has started here. I have a deep sense of accomplishment about my time here; but will be sorry if it does, in fact, have to end here. I'll post again tomorrow (time permitting) to let you know the next steps. Thanks for your prayers and good thoughts and vibes, keep 'em coming!
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
"Recalculating"
Well this sure has been an interesting ride. Finally got the official "no" on the job today so that means I need to think/rethink how to proceed from here. My residence permit expires today which means as of tomorrow I am technically not supposed to be in Germany any more. I really want to be respectful of the laws of this country, because if I do, in fact, have to leave, that I will have the opportunity to return. I went to the Foreigners Registration office today to find out if I have any options, told them my exact situation, and she said to come in on Thursday again, or I would just need to leave the country.
There is a fine line I need to recognize here. Where do I give up or give in? How far is too far? Am I trying to take control again? These are questions that I am agonizing over at the moment, because I have so much at stake. I know God sees my situation and he knows exactly what I need. I believe this is just another test to see if I will continue to trust, even if it means having to return to the states. Before I felt like this would be confirmation of failure, but I don't see it that way any more. In fact, looking back over the last six months, I would say this time was an incredible victory in my life, and one of the most profound and challenging experiences of my life.
What is failure? I believe that failure is not learning from your mistakes and quitting. Notice, I didn't say "making" mistakes, it's not learning from them that is failure. I have had to push through so many feelings, had to ignore a lot of negativity, had to endure countless faithless statements by well-meaning people, that I tried not to let interfere with my faith that God will bring me through it. Well, he did, and so did I. Without the test of time, it's difficult to say which things I should have listened to and which were okay to ignore or not let affect me. It's a tough call to make right now in the middle of it.
I have also experienced the love and generosity of so many people that accepted me completely and with open arms, that have helped me to learn that I really can rely on others. God has been refining my character (sometimes by fire, or at least it seems...) to very deep levels. He has exposed things in my heart that I never even knew were there. It has forced me to rely on him more than I ever have before. Much more. I have built great friendships here that I will always hold close to my heart, and that will hurt if I have to say good-bye to them.
I have battled my own demons and learned a lot about myself during this time. Along with the bad stuff, I have also learned very good things about me. One thing I have learned is that I am very interested in ministry work. There is a saying that if you love what you do, you'll never work another day in your life. Whereas that is mostly true, I really think ministry is what fulfills me the most, makes me happy and the ability to impact someone's life in a real and powerful way is extremely attractive to me. That is what I love, that is what I want to do with my life and my days here on earth.
So there are a few things that could still keep me here. Once again, not sure if they are my trying to regain control, or if I am just doing everything I can to stay... There's a fine line between the two, honestly I am not sure where that line is exactly... Either way, I think I see the writing on the wall, so to speak. I think it might just be time for me to go back to the US. The idea does not sit particularly well with me, but that's my problem. I want to do what's right and what God wants from me. I want to make sure I'm not holding on too tightly. If God wants me to return to Germany, he will make it clear.
I do have peace about something, too, which only in the past couple of days has become clear to me. I believe have finished what I have come here for. What does that mean exactly? I believe that I have proven to myself that I have a heart for the ministry and others have told me they see it as well. I enjoy speaking (not a big revelation to people that know me and readers of this blog, LOL) and would like to do more speaking. I don't know what my future holds, but I believe that God might actually be showing me that I may have some strengths in these areas. I'm very excited and encouraged about that.
I will admit, yesterday was not a good day for me. Thanks for everyone that called and texted, and sorry that I did not respond to all of them, but I was just not in a good frame of mind yesterday. I reached that point of sheer and utter disappointment. Disappointment in myself, firstly; and secondly struggling with not understanding God's plan in all of this. I still don't, but I do still believe that God is still as close as ever, that he will bless my sacrifice and all that he has allowed me to do and become here. I have a lot to grow in, but I am excited about what opportunities I will have back in the US. It looks like, at this time, most likely I will be returning to Seattle. Not 100% sure yet, but might be the best situation for me short-term...
Well, that's enough for now, need to get to our midweek devotional. I am hanging out with the campus group tonight, so it should be fun and interesting. Have a great week!
There is a fine line I need to recognize here. Where do I give up or give in? How far is too far? Am I trying to take control again? These are questions that I am agonizing over at the moment, because I have so much at stake. I know God sees my situation and he knows exactly what I need. I believe this is just another test to see if I will continue to trust, even if it means having to return to the states. Before I felt like this would be confirmation of failure, but I don't see it that way any more. In fact, looking back over the last six months, I would say this time was an incredible victory in my life, and one of the most profound and challenging experiences of my life.
What is failure? I believe that failure is not learning from your mistakes and quitting. Notice, I didn't say "making" mistakes, it's not learning from them that is failure. I have had to push through so many feelings, had to ignore a lot of negativity, had to endure countless faithless statements by well-meaning people, that I tried not to let interfere with my faith that God will bring me through it. Well, he did, and so did I. Without the test of time, it's difficult to say which things I should have listened to and which were okay to ignore or not let affect me. It's a tough call to make right now in the middle of it.
I have also experienced the love and generosity of so many people that accepted me completely and with open arms, that have helped me to learn that I really can rely on others. God has been refining my character (sometimes by fire, or at least it seems...) to very deep levels. He has exposed things in my heart that I never even knew were there. It has forced me to rely on him more than I ever have before. Much more. I have built great friendships here that I will always hold close to my heart, and that will hurt if I have to say good-bye to them.
I have battled my own demons and learned a lot about myself during this time. Along with the bad stuff, I have also learned very good things about me. One thing I have learned is that I am very interested in ministry work. There is a saying that if you love what you do, you'll never work another day in your life. Whereas that is mostly true, I really think ministry is what fulfills me the most, makes me happy and the ability to impact someone's life in a real and powerful way is extremely attractive to me. That is what I love, that is what I want to do with my life and my days here on earth.
So there are a few things that could still keep me here. Once again, not sure if they are my trying to regain control, or if I am just doing everything I can to stay... There's a fine line between the two, honestly I am not sure where that line is exactly... Either way, I think I see the writing on the wall, so to speak. I think it might just be time for me to go back to the US. The idea does not sit particularly well with me, but that's my problem. I want to do what's right and what God wants from me. I want to make sure I'm not holding on too tightly. If God wants me to return to Germany, he will make it clear.
I do have peace about something, too, which only in the past couple of days has become clear to me. I believe have finished what I have come here for. What does that mean exactly? I believe that I have proven to myself that I have a heart for the ministry and others have told me they see it as well. I enjoy speaking (not a big revelation to people that know me and readers of this blog, LOL) and would like to do more speaking. I don't know what my future holds, but I believe that God might actually be showing me that I may have some strengths in these areas. I'm very excited and encouraged about that.
I will admit, yesterday was not a good day for me. Thanks for everyone that called and texted, and sorry that I did not respond to all of them, but I was just not in a good frame of mind yesterday. I reached that point of sheer and utter disappointment. Disappointment in myself, firstly; and secondly struggling with not understanding God's plan in all of this. I still don't, but I do still believe that God is still as close as ever, that he will bless my sacrifice and all that he has allowed me to do and become here. I have a lot to grow in, but I am excited about what opportunities I will have back in the US. It looks like, at this time, most likely I will be returning to Seattle. Not 100% sure yet, but might be the best situation for me short-term...
Well, that's enough for now, need to get to our midweek devotional. I am hanging out with the campus group tonight, so it should be fun and interesting. Have a great week!
Sunday, October 6, 2013
One.Last.Chance. Much prayer needed!
Wow, I can't believe it's here already. Tomorrow is the day I know if I have any chance of staying in Germany or returning to the states. I have to be honest, this is really challenging my heart right now to trust.
On a good note, I was very encouraged today to be asked to lead our house church (a group of about 50 people from three bible talks) in the Communion message at our service today. Of course, it was in German and the topic I discussed, I frankly did not know how to explain it in German. I used Google Translate a lot and got some more input from the brother doing the actual lesson. I was pretty nervous, but glad it was a smaller group. I was not able to print my notes out so I took my laptop with me in front of the group. It was kind of weird, but not that bad...
So I looked down at my notes a lot and once during the lesson (about 5 minutes long), the screen saver went on and I lost my place of course. Oh well, I think the point got across and I had two brothers encourage me that they really liked the message of it. One brother that I hold in high regard even told me that he "really enjoys listening to [me] speak in front of a group." I was kind of blown away by that honestly, very humbling.
Last night I was invited by a brother in the church here to his very special birthday party. It was held in a very small town just outside of the city of Berlin called Grossziethen. From where I live, I have to take a bus to the end stop of the subway and ride it all the way to the other end station on the same line. Then you have to take a bus (which runs once per hour) to get there. It was so cool where the party was held, it was the community center there and there were about 50 people or so there.
The place was really nicely decorated! Tables had dark gray tablecloths with bright green stringed runners. There was so much amazing food and a HUGE spread of cheeses, desserts, wine and champagne, juice and soda. Each setting had a champagne glass, regular glass and a wine glass! There were two songs sung for the brother, one was a solo, another was a married couple singing a duet of "You've got a friend". People shared about him and it was so cool. I hope I can see some pictures of it, I'm sure I'm in a few of them. LOL.
So Monday is coming quickly. Please please please pray for me (or send good thoughts and vibes my way). I have been praying for this company, CCC to call me and to send me a job offer before 12 noon Germany time tomorrow, Monday, Oct. 7. If I don't have something by then, I may have one other "hail mary" pass, but it's a long shot! Either way, please pray for me to have peace. If not tomorrow, I will have to board a plane on Tuesday to leave the country. I'm not thrilled at this possibility, but I may simply have no other choice.
I didn't get as much sleep last night as I would have hoped, so I need to crash out here, thanks again for all your support and prayers. I will be very interested to see what the next 48 hours holds for me. Love you all, have a great week!
On a good note, I was very encouraged today to be asked to lead our house church (a group of about 50 people from three bible talks) in the Communion message at our service today. Of course, it was in German and the topic I discussed, I frankly did not know how to explain it in German. I used Google Translate a lot and got some more input from the brother doing the actual lesson. I was pretty nervous, but glad it was a smaller group. I was not able to print my notes out so I took my laptop with me in front of the group. It was kind of weird, but not that bad...
So I looked down at my notes a lot and once during the lesson (about 5 minutes long), the screen saver went on and I lost my place of course. Oh well, I think the point got across and I had two brothers encourage me that they really liked the message of it. One brother that I hold in high regard even told me that he "really enjoys listening to [me] speak in front of a group." I was kind of blown away by that honestly, very humbling.
Last night I was invited by a brother in the church here to his very special birthday party. It was held in a very small town just outside of the city of Berlin called Grossziethen. From where I live, I have to take a bus to the end stop of the subway and ride it all the way to the other end station on the same line. Then you have to take a bus (which runs once per hour) to get there. It was so cool where the party was held, it was the community center there and there were about 50 people or so there.
The place was really nicely decorated! Tables had dark gray tablecloths with bright green stringed runners. There was so much amazing food and a HUGE spread of cheeses, desserts, wine and champagne, juice and soda. Each setting had a champagne glass, regular glass and a wine glass! There were two songs sung for the brother, one was a solo, another was a married couple singing a duet of "You've got a friend". People shared about him and it was so cool. I hope I can see some pictures of it, I'm sure I'm in a few of them. LOL.
So Monday is coming quickly. Please please please pray for me (or send good thoughts and vibes my way). I have been praying for this company, CCC to call me and to send me a job offer before 12 noon Germany time tomorrow, Monday, Oct. 7. If I don't have something by then, I may have one other "hail mary" pass, but it's a long shot! Either way, please pray for me to have peace. If not tomorrow, I will have to board a plane on Tuesday to leave the country. I'm not thrilled at this possibility, but I may simply have no other choice.
I didn't get as much sleep last night as I would have hoped, so I need to crash out here, thanks again for all your support and prayers. I will be very interested to see what the next 48 hours holds for me. Love you all, have a great week!
Thursday, October 3, 2013
To New Depths in Relationships
I have a new respect for what leaders have to deal with. Last night I led a discussion on a sensitive subject that I was not aware how sensitive it was. It was very enlightening to see some very strong opinions on that subject, but I am grateful for the Word to speak powerfully, and for open discussion. I really feel like God is trying to open (or re-open) some doors in our lives that are very good, and I can't wait to show people how good these things really are. I have been learning a lot and it's been challenging my character to love even more deeply and to just nudge people in the right direction, with the help of God's Word. It is challenging, but I also already see some of the rewards of it, too.
I'm learning about needs. We all have them, whether we are willing to admit them or not. Sometimes in our first world cultures, especially if we are financially secure, we don't always see our needs. This is a trap I fell into when I had my career. I was able to take care of myself, so didn't need to rely on anyone. This gave me a false sense of security, because when the bottom fell out of my financial life, I was totally unprepared mentally how to manage my money, curb spending, cut out unnecessary purchases, etc. As a result, I not only went through my severance, but in less than two years, my 401(k) as well. The account wasn't that huge (relatively speaking), but it was still a pretty substantial sum... I still owe some tax on that, even though I paid my 10% on any money I took out (it ended up being like 20-25% of the withdrawals!).
So, back to my original point about needs. We really do all have them. I'm trying understand what people need, that individuals' needs to vary greatly. Men and women also have very different kinds of needs and even culturally I am learning that people process things very differently. I guess that really shouldn't be too much of a surprise, but it's becoming clearer and clearer to me. I hope I can be an effective tool for change in people's perspectives and in the way they prioritize not only their own needs and schedules, but to also consider the needs of others. (Php. 2:1-8 is a great read on this subject.)
Anyway, I also have to confess I feel pretty frustrated and disappointed right now with some situations and some decisions people are making. I don't want to be too specific here, but it would suffice to say that I am relying on some people for some simple assistance and they, for reasons unknown to me, have not been able to fulfill them. I feel powerless to do anything because I'm totally reliant on them. I trust them, and know they are not trying to hurt me, but I have so much to deal with in my work situation, residence permit and where I will be living (will I be moving back to the states in 5 days?), I just am having a hard time processing this kind of frustration at this point. I guess I just need to pray about it.
Moving on. I am hoping to hear today (Friday) on this job. It's really hard to wait on God. I know I'm on the verge of knowing one way or the other, exactly what God's will really is, but it's honestly just a little unnerving. One more thing for me to really give up to God. I have very little power to change it right now obviously. I'm actually okay about having God be in control, but I'm so used to having control, and being and impatient person anyway, it's just very hard.
I know this post sounds a little negative, I really don't mean it to. I just have a lot on my heart and this blog is such a great release valve for me. I'm actually doing well. I enjoy being challenged and I will be glad to know next week where I will be and what I will be doing for the near future (prayerfully). Just have some nerves to work through and just vent some angst. Thanks for letting me bend your ear with it. Pray with me just to wait, trust, and obey.
------------------------------------------
I was very excited today to still have sunny weather, albeit a bit cold and windy, to be able to have an opportunity to hang out with Jürgen and Christian, both have been sick and both seem to be doing much better. Jürgen was full of spunk, so I think he's pretty much back to abnormal again. It's fun to spend time pestering him, and he feels the same. One minute we will be in the middle of a deep spiritual subject, the next, we're just being silly. Who said the Germans are serious and boring??? So grateful for friendships with crazy spiritual men!
Well, I think that's it for me tonight. Happy German Unification Day! Enjoy your weekend!
I'm learning about needs. We all have them, whether we are willing to admit them or not. Sometimes in our first world cultures, especially if we are financially secure, we don't always see our needs. This is a trap I fell into when I had my career. I was able to take care of myself, so didn't need to rely on anyone. This gave me a false sense of security, because when the bottom fell out of my financial life, I was totally unprepared mentally how to manage my money, curb spending, cut out unnecessary purchases, etc. As a result, I not only went through my severance, but in less than two years, my 401(k) as well. The account wasn't that huge (relatively speaking), but it was still a pretty substantial sum... I still owe some tax on that, even though I paid my 10% on any money I took out (it ended up being like 20-25% of the withdrawals!).
So, back to my original point about needs. We really do all have them. I'm trying understand what people need, that individuals' needs to vary greatly. Men and women also have very different kinds of needs and even culturally I am learning that people process things very differently. I guess that really shouldn't be too much of a surprise, but it's becoming clearer and clearer to me. I hope I can be an effective tool for change in people's perspectives and in the way they prioritize not only their own needs and schedules, but to also consider the needs of others. (Php. 2:1-8 is a great read on this subject.)
Anyway, I also have to confess I feel pretty frustrated and disappointed right now with some situations and some decisions people are making. I don't want to be too specific here, but it would suffice to say that I am relying on some people for some simple assistance and they, for reasons unknown to me, have not been able to fulfill them. I feel powerless to do anything because I'm totally reliant on them. I trust them, and know they are not trying to hurt me, but I have so much to deal with in my work situation, residence permit and where I will be living (will I be moving back to the states in 5 days?), I just am having a hard time processing this kind of frustration at this point. I guess I just need to pray about it.
Moving on. I am hoping to hear today (Friday) on this job. It's really hard to wait on God. I know I'm on the verge of knowing one way or the other, exactly what God's will really is, but it's honestly just a little unnerving. One more thing for me to really give up to God. I have very little power to change it right now obviously. I'm actually okay about having God be in control, but I'm so used to having control, and being and impatient person anyway, it's just very hard.
I know this post sounds a little negative, I really don't mean it to. I just have a lot on my heart and this blog is such a great release valve for me. I'm actually doing well. I enjoy being challenged and I will be glad to know next week where I will be and what I will be doing for the near future (prayerfully). Just have some nerves to work through and just vent some angst. Thanks for letting me bend your ear with it. Pray with me just to wait, trust, and obey.
------------------------------------------
I was very excited today to still have sunny weather, albeit a bit cold and windy, to be able to have an opportunity to hang out with Jürgen and Christian, both have been sick and both seem to be doing much better. Jürgen was full of spunk, so I think he's pretty much back to abnormal again. It's fun to spend time pestering him, and he feels the same. One minute we will be in the middle of a deep spiritual subject, the next, we're just being silly. Who said the Germans are serious and boring??? So grateful for friendships with crazy spiritual men!
Well, I think that's it for me tonight. Happy German Unification Day! Enjoy your weekend!
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Making Adult Decisions is Haaaaaaard......
Okay, so the title is a little juvenile. I think it's funny.
There are those pivotal times in your life where you wonder, was that God speaking to me, or am I just crazy? Did I make the right decision? Then, I agonize over whether I should have done this, or not done that, to the point where it can actually drive you a little bit crazy. Then you second-guess yourself and ask "What was I thinking????".
Today could be one of those days that I do that... I guess I don't know right now, and only time will really tell. Out of someone's pure and incredible generosity, I was given an opportunity that sounded really encouraging and promising, but from the moment the idea was given to me, my spirit was very troubled. I'm a very sensitive person (even though I have kind of a tough shell sometimes, ha!) and I think I'm usually pretty in touch with things. Not always, but generally speaking, I think this is a true statement.
I figuratively had an opportunity on the table, right in front of me. I didn't have a lot of information at the beginning, but was able to ask some questions later to get some more clarity, hoping that maybe I was missing something. Once I had the information I felt I needed to make a decision, I agonized, fretted, worried, second-guessed myself, and didn't want to pass up the opportunity. Any opportunity!
I turned it down.
It was one of those decisions that I agonized over, that tore me apart to even have to tell the person "No, thanks." I am learning a lot about my character and because of the intensity of my situation and impact things have on my life right now and on my future, some of the decisions I'm having to make are very big ones. I don't take these decisions lightly and I believe that whatever I decide, that God can still use me and my situation for my benefit and for the benefit of others as well. Unfortunately for me this morning, I noticed that I was numb. Let's just say that's not a good sign for me. After I finally decided I needed to listen to my troubled spirit and make that decision, the question became, "Now, how am I going to communicate this to the person in a grateful and loving way?"
Since I have rediscovered writing, especially through this blog, I figured I had better write an email because I just wasn't able to come up with the spoken word to somehow decline the incredibly generous and loving offer. I wrote the email and read it over a few times just to be sure. I hit the send button, no taking it back now... Shortly thereafter, I got a response full of grace and love from this person, and I have tremendous peace that I did the proper thing.
I suspect at some point I'll think I am the craziest person in the world for doing this. Hopefully I'll be able to look back on this blog post and remember why I made the decision that I did.
So for now, I go on, still looking for that miracle. Even if it doesn't happen here in Berlin, God is still there beside me, cheering me on. I know I might be crazy, but only time will really tell. Whether here or the U.S. or Timbuktu, this would not be the end of my journey, just a really great chapter in the book of my life, one that I know I will look back on and be incredibly thankful for.
There are those pivotal times in your life where you wonder, was that God speaking to me, or am I just crazy? Did I make the right decision? Then, I agonize over whether I should have done this, or not done that, to the point where it can actually drive you a little bit crazy. Then you second-guess yourself and ask "What was I thinking????".
Today could be one of those days that I do that... I guess I don't know right now, and only time will really tell. Out of someone's pure and incredible generosity, I was given an opportunity that sounded really encouraging and promising, but from the moment the idea was given to me, my spirit was very troubled. I'm a very sensitive person (even though I have kind of a tough shell sometimes, ha!) and I think I'm usually pretty in touch with things. Not always, but generally speaking, I think this is a true statement.
I figuratively had an opportunity on the table, right in front of me. I didn't have a lot of information at the beginning, but was able to ask some questions later to get some more clarity, hoping that maybe I was missing something. Once I had the information I felt I needed to make a decision, I agonized, fretted, worried, second-guessed myself, and didn't want to pass up the opportunity. Any opportunity!
I turned it down.
It was one of those decisions that I agonized over, that tore me apart to even have to tell the person "No, thanks." I am learning a lot about my character and because of the intensity of my situation and impact things have on my life right now and on my future, some of the decisions I'm having to make are very big ones. I don't take these decisions lightly and I believe that whatever I decide, that God can still use me and my situation for my benefit and for the benefit of others as well. Unfortunately for me this morning, I noticed that I was numb. Let's just say that's not a good sign for me. After I finally decided I needed to listen to my troubled spirit and make that decision, the question became, "Now, how am I going to communicate this to the person in a grateful and loving way?"
Since I have rediscovered writing, especially through this blog, I figured I had better write an email because I just wasn't able to come up with the spoken word to somehow decline the incredibly generous and loving offer. I wrote the email and read it over a few times just to be sure. I hit the send button, no taking it back now... Shortly thereafter, I got a response full of grace and love from this person, and I have tremendous peace that I did the proper thing.
I suspect at some point I'll think I am the craziest person in the world for doing this. Hopefully I'll be able to look back on this blog post and remember why I made the decision that I did.
So for now, I go on, still looking for that miracle. Even if it doesn't happen here in Berlin, God is still there beside me, cheering me on. I know I might be crazy, but only time will really tell. Whether here or the U.S. or Timbuktu, this would not be the end of my journey, just a really great chapter in the book of my life, one that I know I will look back on and be incredibly thankful for.
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