A Weird Anniversary And Feeling Pretty Low

I woke up this morning feeling like nothing matters any more.  I'm not feeling well, haven't been since last summer....  While I remind myself that there are aspects of my life that are incredible, I'm just not feeling very encouraged. today. So much to talk about, but right now, I'm trying to be grateful for my job, but it's so uninspiring, long commute, low pay and a toxic environment.  Nobody's happy there. 

Including me.

My health issues are plaguing me and though I do feel a bit better, I feel like I'm a long way from where I want to be.  And on top of all that, my discipler is too busy to get time with me.  There are days I feel like he cares, generally I don't get that sense at all.  Christianity is all about relationships. I try to teach that, but it doesn't seem to be catching on.  

And on top of it all, today marks one year since I had to return from Europe.  By far the best 8 months of my life up to that point. When I was landing at Sea-Tac, I let out a big sigh.  Not exactly where I wanted to be. And life has not been easy these past twelve months. I do love Seattle, but this is not where I was hoping to be right now.

I'm not sure who I should be the most frustrated with.... me? Others? God?  Some or all of those?  I'm not sure.  If I'm honest, I know it's probably me that I should be the most critical of, but not sure how that is going to help me either.

I just am so unhappy with life right now.  I'm trying, but I'm struggling.  I'm not saying I'm not part of the problem, but I need help.  I think the worst part of this is being able to trust and rely (even if it's just a little bit) on the person that God has put in my life to help me.  I'm very discouraged.  

On top of everything, I've gained almost all the weight back that I'd lost in my run up to leaving for Europe and what I lost while there, which is also very discouraging.  I need to do work on my car that I can't afford.  I hate my long commute and my managers won't let me work from home, even though I have everything set up to do it.  I hate that I have to work a second job just to make ends meet.  

Ultimately, I believe I'll be alright, I trust God.  But I woke up this morning feeling like I just needed to get these things off my chest.  If anyone reads this, please pray for me.  I just have a lot to overcome and what seems like not much help. Please feel free to reach out to me if you know me personally.  I would love to hear from you.

I don't have time to edit this right now.  I'll try to do that later.  Maybe I'll add more, not sure.  Either way, thanks for looking in on me and taking the time to find out how I'm doing.

THE PERFECT DAY

 It's nearly 2 a.m. and I just can't come down off of the day I've had...  I'm full of life and energy and am just thankful to God for every aspect of it. So, I got to see a good friend get married to an incredibly compassionate and kind and beautiful sister in the church today.  They both decided independently to go on a mission team from the Seattle church to another city.  It was such a noble task, one they both took on eagerly.  But God also had other plans for them.  "When you take care of God's people, He will also take care of you."

So today I got to be a groomsman in a wedding for the first time in many years.  The day was perfect (IMHO), cool, overcast, but the lighting was perfect for amazing photography.  It was set on American Lake near Tacoma and the views were as stunning as the bride and groom.  It was truly magical. I don't do well in suit jackets, slacks and extremely uncomfortable shoes, but God worked it out!  THAT was truly an answered prayer, just as much as the marriage was magical and unexpected just a year or two ago....

But I can't remember a day when I just laughed so hard.  I just laughed belly laughs of utter delight.  God has been so amazing!  And Joe invited so many people from our former fellowship, so it also turned into almost a family reunion as well!  My heart is well and truly full.  

We also got to watch bald eagles circling over the lake as well as the herons flying by. Utterly magical, beautiful and graceful!  Nature truly reflects God's beauty and perfection!

When I got home after a very long drive home, and taking Eric home as well, I just couldn't (and probably to some extent didn't want to) allow the day to end quite yet.  I'm at peace, I'm so full of joy and I'm so happy for Joe and Selena. Every part of the day was just perfect.  God knew exactly what we all needed and I got all of that in spades!

I'm realizing it's so hard to put into words why I'm so overjoyed by the day, but this was my best attempt to convey this at this pretty ungodly hour.  But I couldn't go to bed without writing down my heart and sharing with anyone who will listen.  I hope the overflow of my heart can fill yours up as well.  There's certainly more than enough for just me!  

Thank you God for the perfect day.  (Photos to follow, prayerfully!)

12th Move in Under 8 Months - The Exhaustion is Real - Back to Seattle

 Hey all and thanks for taking time to catch up with me.  

Before I get into this post, I just want to say that as much as I do feel exhausted, I'm not unhappy.  Just physically spent.  So this is not to meant to complain, just honestly convey the real situation in my life. There is so much to be grateful for, so many lessons learned, so many amazing experiences, and so many incredible people I've had the honor of meeting.

I think in many ways, I feel like the most blessed man in the world.  What an incredible 7.5 months it has been.  Since June 20, 2022, I've lived in four countries, and moved 11 times (tomorrow will be move #12), and I have a lot of thoughts.  Since writing is so therapeutic for me, my hope is that this will help me organize my thoughts and emotions so that I can be more prepared for this move and the next steps that follow.  

So to give you some perspective of how my 2022 was, I need to start my story at the end of 2021. But 2022 started off with me looking for a new car since my purple '99 Accord (Barney) engine blew up on Christmas Day 2021.  So after several weeks of looking, I finally found a suitable replacement in Tacoma, more than an hour away. Thankfully I had my '82 Civic that I could drive to church and shopping locally. But it had a bad wheel bearing, so I didn't trust if for longer distances, like to Tacoma. For that, I actually rented a car, and then when I went down to pick up the new-to-me 1999 Accord, I rode public transport.  At that time, I was having mobility issues so it was quite challenging.  

So after I got the car, four days later someone stole my catalytic converter.  I worked so hard to find it, so I felt very deflated!  I was REALLY struggling.  And when I submitted the claim to my insurance carrier, they had someone investigate me because a claim on a car you've only owned four days raises red flags. This made a bad situation so much harder.   Ugh.  But God blessed my efforts and the insurance company paid the claim and I was able to get the car fixed.

But it became apparent that the car had some other issues that I was pursuing and not finding resolution for.  It was dumping oil, which was burning off the manifold, which is a huge fire hazard.  My '87 Toyota (JJ) actually caught on fire to this very issue several years earlier. I replaced the valve cover gasket, EGR valve, and even broke off a valve cover bolt when reassembling which required a tow and several hundred dollars to fix at the mechanic.  Just to name a few of the major things wrong... but certainly not nearly everything that the car needed.

About the time I got the new car, I found out they were sending out the Berlin mission team.  And that's when the year really started getting busy!  I got in contact with leadership, had a phone conversation, and was green-lighted to join the mission team!  My dream was finally coming true! I was so excited and got busy with all the preparations that needed to be made to get to Europe!

So my job had been unusually busy for many months.  And when I say unusually busy, I mean extremely busy.  Normally, after tax day in April, it tended to quiet down.  Not last year, it just kept going.  Having been in this job for about six years, I knew this was going to be a bit of an issue.  The job is very mentally demanding and when you don't get any rest, it can really wipe you out physically. 

And on top of that, my manager was saying that my numbers needed to improve or I might be let go.  No pressure there.  By the way, though it was true I wasn't meeting the expectation, I was just BARELY not meeting most of the months.  In fact, it was not possible for me to be any closer to meeting, and still not meeting.  The expectation was 95% and I was at 94.76% for three of the months I was not meeting.

Between the stress and exhaustion of the job, I was starting to have concerns about my physical health.  After a particularly rough May, I asked my (new) manager about my status in the job and shared with her what my previous manager had said, that I may be on the chopping block.  She seemed very surprised to hear this.  She said "Your numbers aren't that bad."  Me: I was speechless

In all fairness, I was not trying to get fired, but I was burning out, and fast!  With my health concerns and numbers TANKING, I was hoping they would finally let me go so that I could get unemployment benefits.  When she said my numbers were not that bad, I was astounded....  And I really couldn't function in that environment any longer and quit on the spot.  I don't normally do that, but it was time and my health had to be my first concern.

Then I readied myself to leave for London.

But not before finally having mom's memorial service.  Nearly 2.5 years after her passing, Covid restrictions were finally lifting enough for that to happen.  It was done 11 days prior to her 75th birthday at the church she loved.  It was beautiful, and Roger said that the slide show Anthony Cross helped me put together was the best one he had ever seen.  Fitting for such a special woman.

Then I was in full kind of panic mode.  I had purchased my flight to London for June 20th, my mom's 75th birthday.  I chose this date in honor of her because she felt like when she was sick and I was caring for her, that she was holding me back from my dreams.  I hope that made her happy for me to realize that dream on her special day.

In all honesty, I wasn't anywhere near ready to go when I flew out.  When I left, my stepmom drove over from Eastern Washington to take me to the airport (she offered), I grabbed the things I had packed and left my apartment a TOTAL wreck. Very little cleaning had been done and so much stuff was still left in my little apartment. So. Much. Stuff.

Thankfully Marvell Holder came through for me.  I paid him (and possibly others) $300 to clean out my apartment, so I was able to get back $500 of my $600 deposit!  SOOOO grateful for him doing that, and it helped some people be able to go to our church's Global Leadership Conference a few weeks later. I left the apartment on June 20th, and they had it cleaned about a month later, just before my lease ended. WHEW!!!!!

I also had to sell my cars.  I actually made a fair amount of money on my '82 Civie, but due to a rear main seal leak on the Accord, I had to sell it as a Mechanic's Special. And I LOST MY SHIRT on that deal! Oh well, God is in control....  I also couldn't sell it before I left, so I had Stephen help me sell it, for which I paid him a modest sum.  That was stressful coordinating the sale!  LOL  (But Stephen did a great job!)

LONDON

So I arrived in London, and the brothers (Jurij, Pablo, Aaron, Tosin and Harry) met me at Heathrow! It was the day after mom's 75th birthday when I landed.  It was a beautiful sunny day and I could finally take a bit of a breath from the craziness of the previous months.  At the same time, it was time to get busy.  To start with, there was a rail strike so no trains were running from the airport so we had to grab an Uber.  The wait was over an hour but it was better than the wait some people had.  We dropped off Jurij at his house and then I made my way with the brothers to East Acton.  A place where over the next 7.5 months, I would spend over 4 months with godly men that I will always treasure.

For the first London stint (there were THREE total!), I was there for six weeks before my school started. In the meantime, I visited Berlin for four days with Eelco at the end of July, and even got in a bit of sightseeing.  I also experienced the hottest day ever recorded in England on July 19, 2022 at 103 degrees or 42 C.  I didn't even have a fan.  I wish I was kidding....  

Then I started my schooling which didn't go well (see previous blog entry from August 2022....)

AMSTERDAM

After a few weeks, I was off to Amsterdam.  I fell in love with the city and the church there.  Seriously as much as I loved the London church, I think Amsterdam was maybe even a little more encouraging.  Great disciples there that treated me like a king.  So grateful for my time in Amsterdam.  After a week there, the plan was to go directly to Berlin.  However as Keonte and I were ready to leave for the train station, we asked to stay because the prices of hotels in Berlin was absolutely astronomical due to the Berlin marathon happening in about two weeks.  So at the last minute, we stayed!  In all, I was in Amsterdam for 28 days.  

Then for the first time in over 30 years, I took a train ride to Berlin!  It was so much fun, it was super enjoyable, comfortable and just a great overall experience.  I had to change trains late at night in Duisburg.  Now, I didn't plan it this way, but I crossed the border into Germany EXACTLY 30 years to the day that I left Berlin.  I am certain that was not a coincidence!  

BERLIN!!

But I got to Berlin and eventually to my hotel and I was finally HOME!  I was a very happy (and completely exhausted) camper!  It took a bit for my room to be ready at the hotel, which was a total throwback to communist East Germany.  It looked the part, like it had not changed much in the last 30+ years since the wall fell.  But it was cheap and that's all I cared about. And I slept like a baby after only about 3-4 hours of sleep on the train.

A few days later, Michael and Michelle Williamson came into town and we had dinner with them and I also got some time with them the next day as we spent some time after the mission team members that had already arrived met at the Brandenburg Gate to pray for the city and get a vision for what God wanted to do with us there.

So I had a great time with Michael and Michelle afterward and after lunch we parted company.  Eventually I made it back to the hotel.  That was the end of the encouraging part of the week, as I woke up the next morning very, very ill.  The Williamsons and the Safe-Adewumis returned to London and Amsterdam, respectively on that day.  But I was down.  I don't know for sure if I had Coronavirus or not, but I'm pretty sure I did.  It was awful.  Thankfully I had been immunized and had received two boosters before I left Seattle.  

After three days I could function again, and I was back to normal, more or less, within about a week. Brent Baker was in town from Seattle and I felt bad that I couldn't spend more time with him, but I was just too sick. But we did get some good time together, I even had my first real veal Schnitzel with him! 

So I was about trying to find work.  I had several interviews that went well and even had one company ready to offer me a job, but due to the immigration office taking four months just to get an interview, they had to give the job to someone else.   As an American, I could only be in the European Schengen area for 90 days in a 180 day period. But appointments were about 120 days out or more.  I was starting to see that this was going to be a bit trickier than I had imagined. 

LONDON (#2)

I was in Berlin for 18 days before I had to go back to London for EMC.  Money was starting to get very tight but I enjoyed the conference immensely.  The European churches definitely felt like home!  The disciples were incredibly encouraging.  I was so humbled and encouraged by all they said about me.  I could write an entire post just on the EMC (or European Missions Conference), maybe for another day.

BERLIN (#2)

So the Berlin Mission Team was sent out from the conference and on November 1, we were all on the ground in Berlin!  The single brothers got a hotel room for 8 nights, then we were able to stay at a couple's apartment that were on vacation for two weeks.  It was the three single men and a couple with their 4-year old daughter. But the apartment was quite large and we were able to make it work. 

After that, the single men had to get another hotel room nearby for three nights until we could move into another apartment that we could have for 6 weeks in Neukoelln. Shortly after this move, I got very ill again.  I'm pretty sure it was the Coronavirus as my symptoms were identical to those I had the month before. This time my illness was significantly more severe and thought at one point that I may have to seek treatment, and was ill for 2-3 weeks.

After three weeks in this apartment, my visa was running out so I had to return to London as I was not allowed to stay in the Schengen area any longer. I was still looking for work and I did have an appointment set up with the German Immigration for February 6th, the day after our inaugural service.  I was legally able to return to Germany after January 21st, but didn't have the funds to do so.

LONDON (#3)

So after I left Germany, on December 12th, I returned to London.  Amarli and Tom came to meet me at Heathrow and we made our way back to East Acton. As we were walking from the East Acton Tube station, I had the overwhelming sense of being home, and I shared that often with the disciples in London.  I was able to be an additional two months there.  But by this time I was suffering from severe exhaustion.

LONDON AND REASON FOR MY RETURN TO THE STATES

So what it had boiled down to for me was simply exhaustion.  I was just not prepared for the physicality of being on a mission team.  I really didn't know how much I could handle and I believed I could, but my body told me otherwise.  I also think that possibly having contracted three very serious illnesses in as many months may have also been a factor.

Also, a year ago (February 2022), I was in very bad physical shape.  I couldn't walk more than two blocks without significant back pain and writhing agony all over my body.  It was very bad.  I'm convinced that being in Europe for the last nearly 8 months that God literally and figuratively saved my life.  No question about it.  I could do 10,000 steps every day which was unthinkable physically for me a year ago. 

And this is not a criticism AT ALL, because all parties that I lived with in my time in Europe were TOTAL and COMPLETE blessings.  But I lived in three different places in Amsterdam, five places in Berlin and stayed three separate times in the brothers' household in London.  Once again, I'm so grateful to God to have been so well cared-for by God and my spiritual family, but ultimately, the constant moving caused me severe physical fatigue that in part caused struggles in other areas of my life.

Leadership in London and Berlin believed it would be best for me to return to the US, since they could not make the mission field any less physical for me.  They encouraged me that I needed physical and spiritual healing, as well as the fact that it would be much easier to find work while being near physical and spiritual family again.

So that's the story.  That's why I had to return.  I'm still hurting in those ways, however it has gotten noticeably better.  Please pray for me as I rebuild my heart and my relationships, including my relationship with God.  I'm committed to being successful, but your prayers would be hugely appreciated.  God has already blessed my time here immensely.  

----------------------------------------------------

I'll end with a funny story.  So as I was making my plane reservations, it was a non-refundable ticket.  I thought it was for Monday or Tuesday, but when I hit buy, it came back with a message, something to the effect of 12/2 (February 12th).  For a moment, I was unsure what it meant, but either way, it was a non-refundable ticket and there wasn't anything I could do about it.  So on Thursday night, I said my good-byes to the Bible Talk and some of the leader brothers came over on Saturday night to say good bye as well because I wasn't going to be able to be at church on Sunday.  

So when Sunday morning rolled around, I was getting ready for my flight, but it wouldn't let me check in.  I was getting a bit frustrated and looked at my booking.  Sure enough, I was flying on February 12th, I was flying on the 14th!  I was so excited because even though it was 9:28 a.m., I had JUST enough time to catch an Uber to church!  It made me really appreciate being at a service of the London ICC.  (If you have never gone to one of their services, it's incredible!) I was actually a little bit early if you can believe it!  I had to explain to everyone that I marked the wrong day and that I still had two full days in London! It was a little bit embarrassing, but it was totally worth it!! 

On my last full day in London, I was blessed with being able to spend time with the Sirotkins.  They had given a very powerful communion lesson the day before and they allowed me to get time with them.  What a great way to spend my last full day in the UK!  Thank you both for allowing me that incredible opportunity! I love you guys!

Any way, if you made it to the end here, thank you!  Until next time, thank you for visiting my blog. 

After So Many Years of Challenges, I Finally Made it Home to Berlin!!!

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."  Proverbs 13:12

Wow, where do I even start tonight?  I still can't fathom the importance of today...

I think I'm going to start with a thought I had a couple of days ago that completely and UTTERLY blew my mind.  So the leader of the Berlin team encouraged me to head out to Berlin on Sunday, but I had made plans already to hang out with the brothers' household in Amsterdam that Sunday night (which was so much fun, by the way!)  He said that it was okay to leave Monday then.  

But as I booked the train tickets, the date got stuck in my head a bit: October 3rd.... Yes, I know it's the Day of German Reunification, but it was also the date that I left Germany back in 1992.  Yes, EXACTLY 30 years to the day after I left Germany, I moved back!!!  And I don't believe this to be a coincidence either.  And I swear I didn't plan it this way either! A "memory" on my Facebook page confirmed this date as well 10 years ago as I had confirmed the date I left Germany then as well!

So now I'm back!  And I have to be honest, I'm just absolutely on cloud nine.  Before I left Amsterdam yesterday, I was just in tears.  It felt more like I was crying because I missed my mom (and my dad, too...) but today I was crying tears of just joy for such a humbling honor to return to the place on this earth that I love so much.

And I want to apologize to anyone who sees me posting about my travels this summer.  I promise I'm not trying to boast or brag, I'm just so blown away by what God has allowed me to experience these last three and a half months. These times are the product of a LOT of pain, loss, prayers and hopes and dreams of the last 30 years of my life and the scripture at the top of this entry fits it perfectly. 

 I definitely feel like I'm home.  But in all honesty, I nearly lost it all two weeks ago.  Bad choices almost put me in a very bad place.  But I was as humble as I could be about it, but more importantly an incredible amount of love, forgiveness and mercy was shown to me so I didn't have to lose it all. 

I don't deserve to be here.  At the same time, I know God has seen everything I have been through, including being present during the time both my dad and my mom were on their death beds. I've had to endure so much, and I'm just grateful that God has allowed me to be here right now.  I seriously feel like the most blessed guy in the whole world.  

Before I left Seattle, and also my first week in Amsterdam, I shared my testimony for communion. I talked about my incredible LACK of faithfulness.  Yes, I've been a disciple for almost 30 years, BUT in that time, I have fallen away SEVEN times.  Nearly eight...  But the fact that I had left God seven times was just devastating to me.  So I'm not saying "Look how awesome I am".  Just the opposite!  What a wretched wicked person I can be! I'm (to some extent) the perfect example of what NOT to be!

But then I come back to God's mercy!  Wow, I am so totally undeserving! Thank you, God for not treating me as I truly deserve and for blessing my prayers even when my heart was starting to wander again. 

So if you'll indulge me, I'd like to share my last 24 hours or so.

I left about 7pm for Amsterdam's Centraal Station (yes, it's spelled correctly😀) for my 8:30 pm departure. We stopped in Utrecht and Arnhem before crossing the border about 10:20 p.m. on October 3, 2022.

I had to change trains in Duisburg, a city I had visited in 1991 briefly for a weekend with a co-worker. It felt so good to be back in Germany!!! But there was some confusion with the train and almost missed it because the boards took our train off the itinerary as it was very late getting to Duisburg.  When it showed up, the board said it was a different train to Dortmund! Thankfully we realized what was happening before it was too late!

But the DB (German railway) required masks on the train.  Thankfully I kept some in my backpack. I haven't worn one of those in a while! And while the train was about 40 minutes late, we only arrived about 19 minutes later than scheduled to the Berlin Hauptbahnhof! I arrived at 5:58 a.m. today, October 4th!

So I found my way to the hotel, it was kind of far out in Marzahn, I'm writing this post from there, but wasn't able to check in until 11.  So I went to Alexanderplatz, grabbed some breakfast and a coffee and just enjoyed being home again! I checked in at 11, and since I had only gotten about 2 hours of sleep on the train, I took about a 3.5 hour nap.  It was glorious!  And badly needed!

Then I went to look at an apartment and I told the guy that I was in finance and that I had come to Berlin as a missionary, he asked for my CV to give to his company to see if they could use someone like me in their company.  It seemed legit, so I sent it to him.

Then I went back to Alexanderplatz (nearby) and did some shopping, and then went to Mr. Gyros for my favorite food in all of Berlin!  It was still good, but I think maybe the ownership has changed because it wasn't quite as good as I remember it.  Still a very solid Gyro though.  I actually had two of them, because I was seriously craving them and one just wasn't enough to satisfy my hunger after traveling and eating train station food, LOL.

Then I took the train back to the hotel and here I am... Man, what a day.  I'm still just so blown away by what God is allowing to happen in my life.  I want to implore you, whatever your dream is, especially your Kingdom dream, don't ever give up on it! Things may seem impossible to you, but they're not. I've had to fight through so incredibly much to get to this point (and there are still a lot of battles to be fought), but the battle is God's, and we are just here to swing our swords!

So please be praying for me to get a job where the company can sponsor me so that I can get a work permit and a residence permit.  And pray for us to get a great apartment for the single brothers.  Thanks!

But that's it for tonight. FROM BERLIN! I'm so grateful to God for this opportunity.  Please pray for me to be faithful in everything for HIS glory!  I love you guys and than you again to my heavenly dad for taking such great care of me, meeting my needs, and today... blessing my dreams! I love you!

(Due to internet issues at my hotel and the very late hour I completed this, I am uploading this entry the day after writing it...)

Back to School for this 52-year old!

So I have to acknowledge that my being here in London and having the ability to go back to school for the first time sine 1991 is nothing short of a miracle of God himself. That said, I'm exhausted!!!  

But I survived my first week of my intensive CELTA certification course to teach English as a second language, and to be honest, it was fraught with some pretty intense challenges.  

A week ago last Monday, I had flown to Berlin to look for apartments with a brother from Amsterdam.  I pushed myself really hard and even through discouraging prospects, fought to persevere and push myself to my physical limits.  And I did so happily!  But by Friday, I was pretty wiped out!  On average in London, I was walking about 10,000 steps per day.  In Berlin, I was averaging over 14,000!

My flight left BER at almost 11pm on Friday night and it was packed!  It was through British Airways, but it was staffed by Iberian Airlines.  And I didn't get the sense that the crew really knew what they were doing.  I've never felt that before on a flight.  

Anyway, the flight was fine, we got in on time and everything, but we landed at midnight on 7/29.  Well at that same time, there was a rail strike starting.  I also flew in and out of Gatwick Airport, which is pretty far south of London, so pretty much the only public transportation option was trains at that time of night...  So that wasn't happening.  

The queue for taxis was at least 100 people deep, and no buses. So it was walking 50 miles or Uber.  The uber was about 72 pounds, or almost $100.  Yikes!  But when I went to book it, it deleted my request because now there was a higher demand.  So it increased the rate 1.8X!  My final bill was about 120 pounds.  I don't want to even do that math....

Anyway, I got home about 2 a.m. and crashed immediately.  And I enjoyed my last weekend of freedom with disciples before starting my class on Monday.  

So I went to class on Monday and I had a bit of a tickle in my throat.  Concerning but hoping it wouldn't turn into anything.  On my first day, our instructor said that we really can't afford to miss any days of class since it's an intensive course.  

But I think I caught a bug on that flight back from Berlin, because the next day I had to call out.  I didn't know what that even meant.  I didn't want to push the boundaries of the course, but I didn't have a choice.  Then, all the thoughts went through my head: "what if it's Covid?" "What if I get someone else sick when I go back?"  "Can I even make up my first missed teaching practice?"   

I was really stressed about how I could navigate missing a day in this course. 

So on Tuesday, as I was home sick, I went out to get some food at the grocery store and grab a few things. When I returned home, there was someone waiting for us. It was an exterminator, that had made an appointment several weeks ago that this (of all days!!) was the day he was going to spray the house and I couldn't be there for 3-4 hours. I asked if there was any way to reschedule. He said no.  

Ugh.

So where do you go when you're sick and you can't be at home? I was like "Really, God???" Now what do I do?  So I decided to go to a coffee shop and do a little bit of reading.  That killed like 1.5 hours....  Then I went to pray at a park near my house.  But when I was praying, before I could pray the sentence I had formed in my head, I would pass out!  I was on a bench praying, then sleeping, praying then sleeping!  This happened several times. 

After about 3.5 hours, I was finally able to return home to rest and recover a bit.

And when I returned to class on Wednesday, the instructor assured me that we could work it out.  But I had to give my first teaching practice THAT DAY!  

Which brings up the second issue that I was having: technical issues downloading the software I will need to do my lessons.  I had just purchased a new laptop right before I left Seattle as I knew I would need something for my class.  But for some reason I was not able to download it onto that laptop.  I was told by the software company that I didn't have a "full version" of Windows.   Huh???  

Thankfully I brought my old laptop with me that's about 4 years old.  It's an HP and it's far and away the worst piece of technology I've ever owned.  Nothing seems to work right, it's just garbage.  I rarely use it, and even though it's 4.5 years old, it has easily less than a year's worth of use.  Probably more like 6 months worth of use.

So Wednesday night I decided that was priority one!  But it took THREE hours to download it and once I had it on my system, my laptop was glitching out badly. So I spent some time removing some other programs that I no longer needed and one browser.  After rebooting a few times (which took up to 30 minutes each), it was unclear if it would work. I went to bed very late and very tired and just prayed that it was enough to move forward. 

I shut down the laptop and took it to school.  I pulled it out and was preparing myself for the worst.  Thankfully, it BOOTED. RIGHT. UP!! Thank you God!  Thankfully I also didn't have to do a teaching practice that day, but I did need to do one the next day, Friday. 

And I was also doing all this while sick, blowing my nose constantly, coughing, the whole nine yards! 

So Thursday night I got home after a long day and I was pretty wiped out!  But I was encouraged to actually be able to do my homework on the software that was finally on my laptop!  So I got it started and for some reason, the application shut down on my screen, it just disappeared.  I couldn't figure out what happened and I couldn't get it to come back.  So I decided to reboot.  Problem was, Microsoft decided that was the perfect time to do an update! At about 10:30 p.m.....

Ugh............

An hour later when the update was finished and I couldn't function any more.  I just went to bed and hoped I'd be fresh enough in the morning to get it done after I get up.

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I was able to get my homework done before work and it was ultimately a successful week.  

There were clearly so many challenges that were big and daunting, not to mention the fact that I haven't seen the inside of a classroom (as a student) in more than 31 years.  But what I'm learning through all of this is that all of these things were not unknown to, or unplanned, by God.  Just the opposite is true, that each one of these issues was allowed by God to expose my character.  So what have I learned about my character through them? 

1. Lack of trust in God. Now some might say that I am living out my faith by this extraordinary time in my life.  Yes, but that's only partially true.  I'm a grumbler.  I whine and gripe when things don't go the way I think they should.  God HATES grumbling.  So much so, that for the Israelites that he rescued from Egypt and did miracle after miracle (like the parting of the Red Sea, sending manna every day to feed them, and even the rescue itself), he said that they would not be allowed to enter the land he promised them!  And then he made them wander through the desert for 40 years and they did not enter the promised land.  God took care of their every need and yet it wasn't enough for them.  I'm doing the EXACT same thing. (Deut. 1 & 2)

2. Not rejoicing in sufferings.  As much as I hate to admit this one, it's sooooo hard to do! But the Bible is also super clear.... "Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS, I will say it again, REJOICE!" Phillipians 4:4 and that I don't trust God when he is challenging my character.  The only chance for me to get to heaven is to allow God to mold me to be more like him.  He's not trying to make my life hard, he's trying to make my heart soft like his.  His goal is for me to pray more, not to get more angry or frustrated.  That's unfortunately where my heart has been at.

1 Peter 4:12-13 - Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

So I wanted to apologize to everyone, and to God, for my ungodly posts last week.  I'm saddened that I haven't trusted God with everything.  He's blessing my life so much right now and I have the gall to complain about how he's doing it.  Please forgive me as I also ask forgiveness from God. 

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers of support.  I'm grateful for the love you show me and our friendships.  Sorry to be a poor example in the area of my faith.

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So I'll close this by attaching a photo of my first day of school.  I couldn't resist.  Thanks Harry for taking the picture.  I needed a good laugh after this week!  Love you all!

Wow, My Dreams Are Coming True!

 Wow, what a whirlwind of encouragement these past few weeks!  I suspect this will be a long post, so thank you if you read to the end.  If you don't, I'll understand too. Either way I won't know the difference so there you go.... LOL

So I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm writing this from London, UK!  I got off the plane and it's been in the 70's, sunny and glorious! My heart is happy and full!  I'm incredibly encouraged that I get to call this place home for the next four months or so!

Back in January of this year, I was watching a sermon by Michael Williamson, who leads the London ICC church and he had mentioned that our movement would be sending out a mission team to Berlin, Germany.  I was so excited because back in 2017 I was being considered for the mission team, but it didn't end up going out at that time.  Unfortunately, at that time it was becoming clear that mom was needing more help.  Either way, I wouldn't have been able to go out at that time. 

So in January of this year, I contacted Michael to let him know that I would be interested in being on the team.  A couple of months later I was contacted by the brother in another city who is leading the team that I was being considered!  We had a interview and he said that he would love to have me on the team.  To say that I was thrilled would be a gross understatement! Was my kingdom dream really coming true????  Be still my heart!

I loved my job and this was one of the biggest struggles I have had in the last several months.  I have to be honest, I was getting super burned out on customer service.  I have been there for over six years and the last few months have been BRUTALLY busy.  On top of dealing with a hurting public who have been savagely brutalized by the past few years, political turmoil and only God knows what other craziness goes on in people's lives, it was becoming increasingly difficult to help people and since I'm an empath, I always feel peoples' pain personally and deeply.  And taking on the burdens of 100s of people every week was more than I could handle any more. 

My company was the best I have ever worked for.  They helped me so much when I was taking care of my mom and gave me time when both she and my father passed.  They had the best managers I have ever had.  But in the end, they had me on a "plan" since December and at the end of March, I was told that I would be let go after May 1st if I didn't meet my goals (I was either meeting them or missing them by the slightest possible margins every month).  

My manager ended up taking a job in another area and my new manager, who I've known for the whole time I've worked there, told me after two very emotional calls (crying, not yelling) and I finally told her that I was going to need to submit my resignation effective immediately because the job was starting to affect my health.  I was beyond burned out.  

So that gave me the time to start moving toward leaving Seattle for Europe!!  

But as I was starting to make preparations, I realized that we still hadn't had a memorial service for mom.  So I got ahold of her good friend Sandy and she helped coordinated all aspects of the service.  Jake was there and so was my friend Roger. It was so beautiful and I believed it honored her memory. I miss her so much and even though she passed away in February of 2020, pandemic lockdowns made it impossible to have an in-person memorial.

But so many people shared their stories about her, and people brought quilts and other items mom made for them, so it was great to see her handiwork.  I brought the small VW bug quilt she made for me, but was unable to bring the big quilt because apparently the suitcase it was being stored in got some moisture in it and it was very musty. 

So once that was over, I only had nine days before I left.  During that week, I asked to I've the sermon at the men's midweek service.  My first full sermon in over 29 years in the kingdom! And I got good feedback too!  Here's the link if you'd like to listen to the audio-only sermon.   (8) 2022 Midweek | Faith & Other Things | Tim Morse - YouTube 

I also agreed to do the communion message at church the day before I flew out.  I was very emotional (once again, crying) and I had a lot of encouragement from people on that as well.  By the way, Michael Williamson asked me today if I would do communion this coming Sunday and I agreed.  What was I thinking??? LOL.  JK, but I think I'll do the same one as last week.  Another emotional Sunday!  LOL It'll be great, but it will help me to do the same one again....

But I digress...

So then it was GO TIME.  Even though I ad been working hard to get rid of stuff, it was not enough. At the end I was just stuffing things into my suitcases, hoping they were the things I was going to need. In 30 years of renting and owing places to live, I've never left one that bad before. And it was bad. So I'm asking some brothers in Seattle to help set up some cleaning and I'll pay them.  I also was not able to sell my car.  These two things are kind of still bugging me.  That car has been pretty reliable the past few months, but it's also become a royal pain the my backside, too.  Anyway, I remind myself that God is in control of all of this anyway so I really should not worry. 

But the good news was that once I locked up the door, I was on my way to the airport! My stepmom came over from Yakima to take me and we had a good, but unfortunately, short time to catch up. But I had just gone to visit her Monday and Tuesday of last week, so we did have lots of time to catch up then.  I love her, she's been such a great stepmom to me, and wife to my dad.  

Then came a pretty long flight.  Thankfully I decided for my own health (and sanity) to take a direct flight from Seattle to Heathrow.  It's only an 8 1/2 hour flight and when I got to London, 5 brothers came to meet me: Tosin, Jurij, Aaron, Pablo, and I forgot the other brother's name already.  Hey, I was jet lagged and exhausted from packing for the last few weeks!  Anyway, they sang "We Love You With The Love of the Lord" as I came out of baggage claim.  I was SOOOO encouraged to see them!

And the only real kind of negative/inconvenient thing since I got her was the rail strike, so no "Tube" in a city of like 12 million people.  Taking the bus is normally not a bad way to travel, but when EVERYONE is trying to take them, it's a bit messy. Also, at the airport we had to wait an hour for our Uber driver as there was so much demand, the backup of cars trying to get to the airport literally went for miles... Our poor driver was having a bad day with all of that...

But I got to the brother's house where I'll be staying for the next four months or so and I'm living with a bunch of campus guys and I'm super impressed by them, I had great talks with almost all of them my first night here.  

This morning was a morning of firsts for me.  Joining a campus household, check!  Getting up at 4:30 a.m. to sing happy birthday to a brother, check! Eating a piece of cake at 4:45 a.m., check!  

Then at 6:30 am, we all went out to pray together and along the way, we were singing. I was having trouble singing AND walking at the same time.  Now even though God has helped me TREMENDOUSLY in my abilities to be more active, I was struggling with both. But the weather was beautiful, clear and crisp morning and I couldn't imagine a more perfect morning! 

Now I want to talk a little bit about my health.  My health has not been good in the last few years.  A year ago, I could only walk a block or two before I was out of breath and my back started hurting so much that it would literally take my breath away.  Fast forward one year and I've had many days in a row over 8000 steps, today at about 9500.  I am so grateful that God has allowed me to grow so much and that I'm still over 40 pounds down from my highest weight. 

I'm able to do shopping trips without the electric scooter carts finally for the first time in over two years and I'm so much more mobile than even a few months ago!  But as much as I have grown, I'm feeling a bit challenged here still.  After the morning walking worship time and a long journey across the city (including a grocery trip), I got home and I was exhausted.  And my body was starting to shut down.  So much so that I didn't make it to midweek which I hated, because I really wanted to be there, it was supposed to be my first meeting of the body in London.  Well, the good news is that I'll be getting together with brothers tomorrow, Friday and on Saturday will be a Singles' event. And of course, church on Sunday.

 But after just a day and a half, and despite my exhaustion, I couldn't be happier. I'm still having a hard time believing I'm here and that in just over a month I'll be taking an intensive course on teaching English as a second language. Please pray for me because I haven't been in school in 32 years! And I literally feel like the most blessed person on earth!  

Freedom FINALLY!!

It's 8:07 a.m. on May 29, 2021. I just woke up and the thought immediately crossed my mind that the day is FINALLY here!  

After 442 days of lock downs, quarantining, social distancing, face masks, gallons (okay maybe not gallons, but a LOT) of hand sanitizer, I'm now free!! 

On  May 15th, I got my 2nd Moderna vaccine and today marks 14 days since that momentous occasion and I'm beyond thrilled to start, in earnest, getting back to life before a pandemic turned the world's apple cart upside down.

I would have never guessed on March 13, 2020 when lock downs began that it would be 14 1/2 months of quarantine.  I'm glad I didn't know that fact back then, I think my mental health would have declined much sooner! And I must say, watching the news every night where 1000, 2000, 3000, 4000+ people were dying every single day in the United States was a heavy burden to carry. 

As of today, my day of freedom, I want to acknowledge the more than 593,000 people in the US that have died due to this virus.  We could have done much better than that, but some people made virology politics. It's sickening, it's sad, and it was unnecessary. I'll step off my soap box now. But I do want to remember the incredible toll this has caused in human terms.

Now I'd like to define freedom in this context for what my life will look like moving forward. It DOESN'T mean that I go anywhere and everywhere without a mask.  But it DOES  mean that I can see family, go to restaurants, and enjoy fun times with friends: dinners, game nights, hanging out in coffee shops, doing touristy stuff around town, traveling, etc!!

The last year has been excruciatingly difficult.  I constantly denied my impulses to go out and to keep myself and others safe by staying home.  But that comes with a high price for someone who is an extravert, lives alone, works from home, and even church became a virtual experience, the solitude became too much to handle at times.  

As a person that works in Customer Service, it has become more and more apparent that people are struggling.  In my interactions with people, poor communication skills that were once an occasional annoyance are now a common feature in calls.  

For example, too many people before the pandemic had the really bad habit of interrupting me as I was trying to answer their questions.  It didn't happen a lot, but now it happens on a much larger number of calls.  It doesn't sound like a big thing, but when you're trying to communicate really important things that will definitely effect them, many times I have to come back and highlight these issues so they don't do something that could cost them in the end.

But back to my original point.  Right now, and for all of these reasons, I'm exceedingly grateful to God that he is starting to deliver us from some of this craziness we've had to endure.  Currently (as I mentioned to my manager at work yesterday) I feel pretty "crispy".  Haha. Yeah, I'm a little burned out.

So I'm taking some time off!  Today is day one of NINE days off, and more days off next week as well.  I'll be visiting my buds in Spokane, one who turns 50 on Monday and where we will be planning to enjoy a little BBQ action for him and his daughter who both celebrate on the same day. I love that guy, he's becoming a bit of a celebrity there, and we were friends before he became locally famous. 😊

Now starts a true era of healing for me, and for us as humans.  Many of us are struggling, lonely, cooped up with family members for over a year, learning how to be social again, and some not desiring that social life any longer (not me, by the way).  Let's try to be very understanding and deliberate in how we interact.  We need to give each other a lot of grace as we re-learn how to be citizens, friends, and even family members to people we have not seen in a long time.

I plan to be very deliberate on how I control my feelings. I'm going to try to be kind despite how I may feel, especially if someone is trying my nerves, whether deliberate or not.  I'm going to always have a kind and honest word ready for people.  I'm going to try....  

And if YOU are struggling, please reach out to me.  Even if you think "Oh, it's not that bad, I'll be okay."  Well, let's not test that theory.  Based on my last post, I did that and (to an extent) didn't work too well for me. If you have my phone number, or if we're friends on FB, please reach out to me.  Or you can email me at amerigerman@gmail.com.  Please, even if you want to reconnect, it could be an encouragement to both of us.

I love you guys, let's have an incredible summer of fun with friends, and if you haven't already, please take this in the most humble way, please get vaccinated.  If we don't and the virus mutates (like the flu virus does every year), then we could be in for years of what we have just been through. And I know that nobody wants that.  Have a great day and may life return to normal for all of us very soon!