I'm 13 days short of being in Berlin for 6 months. SIX months. I'm amazed it has been this long. This journey has been very challenging for my character. Satan has been tempting me and hitting me in my weakest spots. Simultaneously, God has been there cheering me on, saying "Choose, me, son", giving me hope, meeting my needs and blessing me beyond my wildest dreams. Being in Berlin has not been easy, and God is allowing my character to be developed by the challenges I have faced here. Sometimes I have been very slow to learn, sometimes I have just wanted to rebel. Through it all, God has been faithful, forgiving and has been my biggest cheerleader. I'm still amazed and humbled that he believes in me at all.
I always seem to write posts like this after a time of doubt, or just in a time where there, in a worldly way, just seemed to be no obvious solutions. It's times like this where I turned to my own "talents" (which God gave to me by the way), or to what makes the most sense. Sometimes it's about not just believing, it's about putting it all on the line because you believe you serve the most powerful force in the universe, and I get to call him my daddy. I'm all in.
I'm learning to deal with the fact that my life and my circumstances from the outside really don't make sense. You'd be right if that is your view. But I don't believe they need to make sense if you're looking through a lens of faith. I truly believe God can do anything. ANYTHING. I can accept that people may not support what I am doing. That's okay, can God accept what I am doing? I can accept the fact that people may think I have a bad heart in doing this. Does God believe I have a bad heart? I can accept the fact that I really don't like being poor and having to rely on others for help. Does God accept this and meet my needs anyway? I believe the answer is "absolutely".
I had a brother in the church here (that I love dearly) recently share with me some his concerns. He also shared with me that he wanted to be able to do more to support me. I was really encouraged by his heart. He took me to my favorite place to get a bite to eat and afterward I thanked him for buying me dinner. He said it was nothing. I said, no, it really helped me. Again, he said, "This is nothing! I want to be able to do more to help you." I got out my wallet and I laid out two coins on the table. A 10 cent piece and a 1 cent piece, 11 cents. I had just finished my meal and the coins were sitting next to the plate with the remnants of my dinner on it. I looked him straight in the eyes and said, "This is all I have tonight. I couldn't have afforded to buy this for myself. Without your help I couldn't have eaten this tonight." All of the sudden, his demeanor changed. I told him, "I'm so grateful for your friendship. You have helped me so much and have been such a great friend to me. Thank you." After that, we were back to our silly selves and we were able to go pray before we both headed our separate ways. Wow. How blessed am I to have friends like that?
Lately I have been thinking a lot about what brought me here, the answered prayers, the extremely hard times I had with the remodel on my home, getting things sold, doing all the things I needed to do to be able to leave Spokane nearly 6 months ago. I got a chance to spend time with another brother tonight, telling him of the ways God blessed so many prayers and how God went way above and beyond my expectations on every one of them. It reminded me of how much God has done to bring me to this point. Instead of feeling stressed about my situation now, God has replaced stress with gratitude. Instead of worry, God has replaced that with peace. I know I will still experience a full range of emotions over the next few weeks, but for now, I am just grateful that I have an amazing all-powerful God that even takes notice of a wretched man like myself. I have so many people here that love me, have supported me and have challenged my heart and my thinking. I seriously could not ask for more.
Here's the short list of the wonders God has done and is now doing in my life: God currently is allowing me to live literally with a perfect stranger (friend of a brother actually) for free, I was given a brand new bike to have as my own, God has provided me an extension on my tourist visa (which is rarely, if ever, done). I have had food to eat, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head every night for the last six months and I have friends here and in the states (and other places in the world as well) that are praying for me, not to mention the men and women of God in Berlin that have accepted me and loved me and don't want me to leave. There are simply too many other blessings to mention here.
I am still looking for work, and at the moment do not have a lot of options. That doesn't mean there aren't any, just not too many. The fact is, I only need one job, just one opportunity for my entire situation to change. I am praying for miracles at this point, just as I did in July.
This time has been a true test of the depth of my faith. Sometimes it's been good, other times it's been very bad. I have heard preachers talk about "stepping out of the boat in faith", referring to Peter's attempt to walk on the water to meet Jesus. Here is the text from Matthew 14:25-31:
Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." "Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water." "Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"
Peter was the only one brave enough to get out of the boat and come to Jesus, yet Jesus still said "You of little faith." If he had such little faith, I wonder what the other disciples in the boat must have been thinking when they didn't even try! Jesus corrected Peter because he was focusing on the earthly challenges instead of the supernatural qualities of Jesus. That's where I have been this week.
There is one thing I would like to ask of you all though. I am still requesting prayers, but I really believe that God wants us to believe and not doubt. I would like to ask you all to join me with your faith. I would really like for all of us to pray AND absolutely believe that God can and will do this miracle. Faith encourages God, it's so important that he says in Hebrews 11:6 -- And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
The reality is, right now I really don't know what is going to happen in my life in the next two weeks. My residence permit expires in 13 days, that doesn't give me a whole lot of time. I don't know where I'll be in two months, or two years for that matter. I've decided I'm not going to worry about it and that I'm going to invest even more in my relationship with God over the next few days. "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" -- Mat. 6:27
Lastly tonight, I really needed an attitude adjustment today. I was starting to feel stressed out today and realized my submission to God was waning. In my current living situation, I'm living with someone who has recently come out of a battle for his life. He is recovering from nearly a year's battle with cancer. The apartment that he has let me stay in with him is really nice, but he has not been able to keep it up the way he has wanted. I have been feeling frustrated about it lately, but God keeps reminding me that I need to be grateful to him and I should try to earn my keep, and not just be critical. So, I decided to go and clean the kitchen. It was pretty bad, honestly and I was kind of dreading it, but I went in and decided to give it my best. You know, my attitude really changed about it. It's pretty clean now, not perfect but MUCH better than before. My roommate is really encouraged by the way it looks and I felt good knowing I did the right thing. I also asked him today (actually before I cleaned) if it would be okay if I stayed for one additional week (before he was adamant that I am out no later than Oct. 1). Because my residence permit expires on the 8th, it would seem like a waste to have to move and then possibly leave a week later. He said that would be no problem and that it was pretty good having me here! I was very encouraged not to have to move this weekend.
So thank you all for your support and love and faith. I'm so encouraged by all of you, thank you for hanging in there with me these past months. Stay tuned and hopefully soon I will have good news to share, God willing.
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